Losing a part of me

Fat Charlie the Archangel files for divorce
He says, “Well, this will eat up a year of my life
And then there’s all that weight to be lost”
– Paul Simon (Crazy Love, Vol. II)

I decided this morning to change the template of this blog, and an old piece that I wrote eight years ago came up, starting with this quote from a Paul Simon song. It is ironic to think back on my weight loss journey that started in 2014, shortly after my ex-wife and I separated. Yes, at the time I thought that in order to attract women, to not be lonely, I would have to lose weight.

Over the last eight years, I have lost a lot of weight a few times. Never was it because of a woman. I have come to a lot of realizations over these years, and one of those is that my being happy should not be tied to how attractive I am to women. That I feel better about myself when I am slimmer… that’s another kettle of fish altogether.

If you review the massive successes I have had with weight loss (which I have now done three times, although never to completion), it has never been because of anyone other than myself. It was never because a doctor told me that I need to (although that has been an ongoing theme in my life). It was never because a woman broke up with me. Each time was because I made the decision that I wanted to be happier and more comfortable in my own body.

If you review the massive regressions and failures that I have had with my weight loss – twice over the past five years have I lost nearly or over one hundred pounds, and both times I slipped and failed and found myself back at my heaviest – there are clear psychological reasons for my failures. Please note that I claim them as my failures, and not anyone else’s.

I am now on my third massive weight loss journey. I am 230 days into that journey, about 8.5 months. I have lost nearly eighty pounds. I did not start because of a woman (although there was encouragement from one, she and I were not dating the day I began losing the weight).

One difference in this weight loss journey from my previous ones is that I have the love and support of a wonderful woman. Leslie is now my wife, and she supports me and encourages me, and is my rock when I feel weak. If she were not in my life, I do not know if I would have been so successful. I do not know if without her ongoing support I would be able to maintain my weight loss.

I have a long way to go. I am still fifty pounds heavier than I was two years ago, and a hundred pounds heavier than I was when I was in the Army. It has been a very long time since I have been slim, so I do not know what my ultimate goal will be. I do know that I am going to keep losing the weight, and I am going to fight like Hell to keep it off permanently.

I truly hope that the present is not like the past, because my past attempts have been failures. I hope that I can break that cycle, get slim, and stay healthy for the rest of my natural life.