Losing a part of me

Category: Advice

  • Day 530

    With this morning’s drop I am down nearly (but not quite) five pounds since Saturday. That means that I can continue to eat the way I have been eating and I will expect to continue to lose weight. I have been having an omelette for breakfast (and a yoghurt along with it), a protein for lunch (with a side salad and sometimes with a side of frozen fries), and a protein with dinner (with either a salad or rice). I have included a couple of fruit in there for snacks (which reminds me that I need to go to the supermarket to get more fruit). I will ride this one until it stops working!

    Someone in one of my support groups on Facebook asked why I recommended she not tell people that she is on the program. I told her there are a couple of reasons. First and foremost is that everybody thinks they are an authority. They tell us firstly how unhealthy the program is, and how it is not the right way to lose weight. This they say about a program that is prescribed by a doctor and is done under medical supervision by weight loss experts. They will then go off and give you (seldom asking if you would like their advice) every advice about how they think you should lose weight. Next, they will keep their eye on you forever, and if three years from Tuesday you take an extra bagel at the company breakfast, they will be there to call you on it. It is easier to not tell anybody but your closest confidants. That will often require us to lie about why we are not ordering food or why we are not joining a social outing at a restaurant or so on; it is a small price to pay. Remember that it is none of anybody’s business.

    I did not sleep great last night, but I also did not sleep terribly. I changed my bed sheets over the weekend, but I think I have to remember to pull the bottom sheet tight every morning rather than just straightening the top sheet and duvet and claiming I made the bed. I know that is one of the factors that prevents me from sleeping well… although definitely not the only one. I know that the day that I changed the linens I still did not sleep all that well. I truly think the number one factor in my sleep issues is when I am not sleeping next to my wife. That will be resolved in eleven days.

    My plans for today: I have to stay on track, so I am going to prepare my chicken for lunch. I do not have any frozen potatoes so I will stick to the salad. In the afternoon I will run to the supermarket to pick up fruit and a few more items that I am running low on. I realized I have no more fish in the house so I will likely pick up a nice piece of salmon for dinner. I also suspect I am completely out of rice, so I will buy a bag while I am there.

    As today is The Fourth of July I will not be teaching this evening, so I might go out to see friends later on. It will not be a stressful day, although I do have an appointment to help my rabbi with some technical issues around 1pm. I guess I should start making lunch now so as to be done in time for that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Know Where To Stick Your Comments

    **This is another article that I wrote during a previous weight loss attempt. It is funny how little editing I needed to do in order to make it apply perfectly to this week, nearly three years later. –MDG

    Has anyone else had it up to here (gesturing just above my head) with people telling you what to do with regard to your weight loss? Is there someone in your life who thinks they know better than you? I suspect we all try to be polite to them, but sometimes it can be too much.

    There was one person that I met recently who fed into my stress. As I said, I have very little patience for people who try to tell me what I should be doing to lose weight… no matter what their intentions are. Yes, they mean well… but do me a favour and keep your opinions to yourself.

    “Mitch, you know that the extra weight you are carrying around is not healthy, right? If you were to do X, you would continue to lose even more weight. You will be so much happier when you do!”

    I usually do not respond when someone opens their mouth like this, but I suppose was having a bad day, and this was just too far. ‘Hey, Fred (not his real name) … thanks for your concern. One of us has lost about 115lbs in the last year, and the other one of us should shut up and save his advice for when I ask for it. Would you care to guess which one of us is which?’

    Yeah, ‘Fred’ was more than a little surprised that I would say that… but really, at this point I think I’ve done pretty well, and that the method I am using is pretty good, wouldn’t you say? If I did not want your advice when I was at my heaviest, what makes you think I would want it now? If you want to offer support, offer words of encouragement. Things that friends have said over the past few weeks:

    • Oh my G-d, Mitch… I cannot believe how well you are doing! Keep it up!
    • Mitch, you look amazing! Keep up the good work!
    • Wow… you are a shadow of your former self!
    • You are a true inspiration to me!
    • Mitch, you look hot!

    All of these are perfectly acceptable (and welcome!) comments. Keep them coming folks!

    The following, on the other hand, are neither helpful nor welcome, and if it is what you were thinking of saying, then just say nothing:

    • You are doing well, but you still have a lot of weight to lose.
    • Mitch, how much more weight do you think you need to lose?
    • If you’d like, I know a doctor with an amazing weight-loss plan that would help you lose the weight even faster!
    • You’ve lost so much weight and still wear a Size 38 pants?
    • You should do X to lose more weight.
    • The program you are following is not healthy, so be careful.
    • If you do not change your habits, you are just going to gain the weight back again.

    Do you see that most of these comments sound like they are meant to encourage me? Some of them are from people who want to help, who think they are helping. Do you know what they all have in common? They are all unsolicited. I can almost guarantee at this point that I know more about weight-loss, but certainly about my own body and weight loss, than you do. I have also spent more time morbidly obese than you have. Please, keep it to yourself.

    I welcome, I love hearing, I love getting words of encouragement. Positive reinforcement is wonderful, and when people tell me how great I look it makes me well with joy. I have figured out what works for me, and that is why I look the way I look now, rather than what I looked like a year (or even three months) ago. Let me keep at it… I assure you I have no desire to ever gain another ounce again. But I have figured out a way to do it without your help, and I am my own harshest critic.

    When I was married to my second wife, I went on a weight-loss program. I asked Theresa (my now ex-wife) to be my Diet Sergeant. For a couple of months, she was… and with her help I did pretty well… until I did not. When I tried to get back on track, I asked her to resume her duties. She told me that it was unfair of me to put that responsibility on her… when no matter how strict she was, I could always circumvent her ‘authority.’ She was right… My diet is just that… mine. The responsibility is mine, and the success or failure of it is mine.

    I am my own harshest critic… in all things, not just the diet program. I beat myself up over it all the time, and nothing that you say will be harsher than what I say to myself. The difference is that I have the right… you do not. My mother used to say that if you have nothing good to say, say nothing. She was the worst offender of this advice that I have encountered in my fifty years on the planet. That does not make it bad advice, it just makes her a hypocrite. If you want to encourage me, say something nice… and completely nice. Be prepared with a follow-up should I be self-deprecating. I’ll give you an example:

    (You) Wow, Mitch… you look like you have lost a ton of weight!

    (Me) Thanks, but it’s just a drop, and I have so much more to go.

    (You) Well you are doing great… whatever it is you are doing, keep it up!

    Do you see how easy that was? On the other hand, the following would be a terrible way to follow up:

    (You) Wow, Mitch… I can’t believe how much slimmer you are than the last time I saw you!

    (Me) Thanks, but I hope the next time you see me I will be even slimmer still.

    (You) Make sure you have the occasional cheat meal, so you do not give up completely. Want to join us for pizza?

    I cheat enough, and I do not need your encouragement or permission. If I tell you I want to lose more weight, just follow up with ‘Well, you are doing great!’ or ‘Whatever you have been doing, keep doing it!’ That’s all I want. That’s all I need. If you cannot say something 100% positive, then don’t say anything.

  • Weight Loss Platitudes

    In one of my support groups on Facebook, someone was sharing her fears about being around all of the temptations that will be in her house for the Super Bowl. Several of us gave her practical advice, and she will either follow it or not, but I am sure we all hope she will succeed.

    One person posted: Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

    I want to be clear that I feel that this statement is absolutely true, and that looking back on the 390 days of my depriving myself of all of the foods that I love, when I look at myself in pictures (not yet in the mirror) I really feel good about myself, and the only thing I would change is that I would have cheated less so that I could be further along my journey than I am. Skinny feels great! (At least, skinnier does… I have not felt skinny since I was in the Army.)

    With that said, the original poster was sharing her fears and feelings about a real challenge, and not about a generalization. I wonder how helpful this very clever platitude will be when she comes face to face with pizza, wings, chips, beer, and sodas all over her house, and there for the taking.

    There are so many of these platitudes out there and they are all true. I just wonder how helpful any of them actually are. Yes, we all know that weight loss is a marathon and not a sprint; we know that losing weight is hard and being fat is hard, so choose your hard. We have been told a thousand times to not eat our emotions, and that fat loss is a mental challenge rather than a physical one. Of course, we know that our desire to change must be greater than our desire to stay the same, and that we have to change our habits in order to change our bodies… and that if we have discipline, drive, and determination, then nothing is impossible. We are aware that we did not gain all of the weight in a day, so we should not expect to lose it in a day.

    All of those statements are inspirational, and I think there is a place for each and every one of them. Weight loss is a mental challenge, and it is an emotional one. We cannot expect to help people with strictly practical advice, especially when they are feeling down or despondent or weak. We have to inspire their emotions and their mentality so that they can either stay on track, or too often get back on it.

    We all respond differently to different situations. When I started the program the second time, my doctor was an Army veteran, so when I told him that I did not want him to blow smoke up my six, he understood that I needed the regimented discipline from him that he would have given his soldiers. He understood that I would not respond to the inspirational platitudes that so many of his patients needed to get ahead. Today I may feel a little different than I did then, but more often than not, I prefer concrete advice than inspirational quotes.

    My wife has the unenviable task of trying to read my emotions and seeing if it is one of those rare times when I need the platitudes… or if she needs to be firm with me. Last night we were talking about ice cream (she loves a particular flavour that is only available in Canada) and I told her that I would have some in the house for her next visit… and that I might even have some in the freezer now. She told me that if I had gone out and bought ice cream that she would kick my butt… ice cream is one of my kryptonites, and she knows that having it in the house is a bad idea for me. If there was a pint in the freezer today, it would not be there by the time she comes next. More likely than not it would not still be there by Tuesday.

    At the same time, there have been several days when I have been down about my lack of progress this last week. She has been supportive in reminding me how well I have been doing, how far I have come, and how weight loss is about the downward trend, and not the individual plots on the graph.

    Leslie has learned (though a lot of difficult times) that there are times when I need her to be harsh with me, and there are times when I need her soft reassurances that I am doing well. I doubt that any dieter is all that different. So, when one of them comes out and says, ‘Oh my, I am disappointed that I have not lost weight this week!’ it is important to tell them that they are doing great, and to keep doing what they are doing, and the weight will come off. On the other hand, when someone says something like ‘This is what I have facing me today, and I am worried about how I am going to deal with it…’ then it is probably time for practical advice.

    I have often said that weight loss is simple, but it is not easy. Putting aside for a moment that this too is a platitude, I am not really sure how true it really is. Yes, if you consume less foods (and even less of the wrong ones), and if you exercise, you will lose weight. However, that only addresses the physical… and if you are in prison or the military, it might be true because you are given the food that should help you to lose weight. It does not take into account all of the mental and emotional stress and anguish that we go through when we make the choices that face us every day. Here is what you need to eat in order to lose two pounds per week. Great. That does not cover the anguish and anxiety, and it does not necessarily stay at the front of mind when we are on the go during our busy week.

    There is a place and time for platitudes… they truly can be inspirational. There is also a place and a time for practical advice. Knowing which is which is also not always easy.

  • Day 383

    Today is the first day of a very long and grueling week, all of which I am very excited about. I love teaching, and I especially love that as a contractor who ‘eats what he kills,’ my dance card is filling up nicely for the next little while. Knowing that my daytime class today starts shortly, and that my evening class follows immediately after the culmination of the early class and continues to 9:30pm, I was in bed at a reasonable hour last night, my alarm set for 7:00am, ready to face the very long day well-rested. What happens then when you cannot sleep? I fell asleep just fine, but my eyes popped open around 3:45am, and for love or money I could not fall back into slumber. When I finally gave up on sleep (for the short term), I decided to go through my phone’s picture library from the past three years. I am very good at taking lots of pictures, and because I was notified recently by Apple that my cloud storage was full, I even went through them a few weeks ago and deleted hundreds (if not thousands) of pictures that were just not needed. In the middle of the night, my mission was to add a few mew pictures to my Favourites folder. It turns out that meant nearly two hundred pictures of Leslie, several of HRF Princess Sophie, and maybe 5-10 of friends and others. By the time I finally got back off to sleep (around 5:15am) that folder had ballooned from 18 pictures to 230. I broke my general rule and took another melatonin gummy, and finally closed my eyes again… and even though I did not sleep through to my alarm, that extra 90 minutes of sleep was important. I feel that I can now face the day.

    Yesterday evening I told Leslie that after two days at the same weight, I was really looking forward to seeing the numbers on the bathroom scale drop this morning. She told me that if my weight stayed the same, I am still winning. While we had a minor misunderstanding over the homonym lose, I agreed with her that staying where I was would not be a loss. I am glad we had that conversation, because guess what I weighed when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning? If you guessed exactly what I weighed yesterday and the day before, then you win the prize! I did not drop below 285 (see my psychology rant from yesterday… I originally wrote 385), but I did not gain. I will stay on track again today, and hopefully tomorrow I will break the plateau. If not, Leslie is right… as frustrating as it might be, it is nowhere near as bad as that plateau just above the 300-pounds mark. I will also mention that today was the third straight morning that I was unsuccessful moving my bowels… that is not uncommon while on my full-fast program, but I do hope to end that streak tomorrow.

    My plans for today are to stay on track, and with my schedule I doubt I will have any opportunity not to. While I have three 15-minute breaks throughout the day, I am supposed to have a 1-hour lunch break, but I have an important appointment that will take up most of that time. As such, the order of the day is coffee with meal replacements… and nothing more.

    My diet buddy came over for a cuppa yesterday, and we had a great talk. It really is great that both of us have stayed (mostly) on track. I had my modified program, and she had her surgery, but a year later and we are both doing great. I really hope our friendship continues to grow even after we have both achieved our goals. We discussed yesterday how difficult it is to know that we will always have to be mindful of what we eat and will never be able to eat like we once did again. It is sad, but an alcoholic cannot have just one drink… for us it will be more difficult because we will still have to eat, just differently. I told her all about the Chinese meal that I planned out beforehand and enjoyed in Dallas, and that gave us both a little hope that while we cannot eat like we once did, at least we can eat and enjoy it. I think one of the big tricks will be for us to switch from eating to enjoy the experience to eating in order to fuel our much healthier bodies. That will not be an easy change for either of us to make… we both love food so much! She was telling me about a brunch she enjoyed that included eggs benedict on avocado toast, and while it sounded delicious, it also sounded dangerous. She enjoyed it but got right back on track. Maybe she is further ahead with the psychology than I am.

    One more thing that we discussed was getting rid of our bigger clothes, which led to a much more important discussion. She told me that she had a colleague who was larger, and she was going to give all of her larger clothes to. I asked her how close she was to that colleague, and she told me not at all. I then advised her not to do it. I reminded her how personal our weight loss is, and that giving her the clothes can be seen in several ways, but almost all of those ways would include having to share her journey with yet one more person… and each extra person you share with takes a toll. That is before we even hear from them their experiences and struggles, and why what we are doing is wrong, but their way is better. She agreed with me and will be donating all of those clothes to charity. The colleague’s loss will be the charity’s gain.

    I want to clarify one thing about my occasional sleep issues. A year ago, I had trouble sleeping because I could not get comfortable with the massive bulk of my body. That is not the case now… but sometimes I simply cannot sleep. I know that the meds I take for ADHD can affect that, which is why I take that pill first thing in the morning, which my doctor assured me is the best way to make sure that it does not affect it too much. There have been several nights over the past few months when I had trouble sleeping, but that was usually due to stress and anxiety caused by factors that were (at the time) beyond my control, but which were still very real. Last night? There is no reason, other than sometimes people have trouble sleeping!

    Have a great day folks!

  • La Plus Ça Change…

    I do not remember what diet I was on six years ago, but according to my Facebook Memories, I must have been doing pretty well. This was, of course, six months before I started on my first medically supervised meal-replacement program at the bariatric clinic in Hamilton. I do know that I posted the following on Facebook six years ago today (November 5, 2016):

    To my friends and acquaintances who have commented on my weight loss:

    1. Thank you for noticing. I am not talking about it, but I am working very hard to lose weight.
    2. How much I have lost is none of your business. If I do not offer it, please don’t ask.
    3. How much I weigh is none of your business. If I do not offer it, please don’t ask.
    4. How much I weighed when I started is REALLY none of your business. I will not offer it, please don’t ask.
    5. If you have noticed that I am losing weight, please do not suggest ways for me to lose weight. What I am doing is apparently working for me, and I am going to continue to do it my way until such time as it stops working for me… at which point I will consult with the people (professionals) who have guided me thus far and will work out other stratagem. If I have not asked your advice, please accept that I do not want it… regardless of how pure and noble your intentions are.

    That is all.

    I see that several things have not changed since then… and a few things have. For one thing, I am talking about it… or at least, I am writing about it. To date, I have written some 240,000 words about it in this journal, which is transferred daily to my blog. I do not know whether that is to inspire others, or just as a cathartic exercise to put my thoughts into some sort of order, or just to keep me on track and accountable. I do know that my blog currently has about 125 subscribers, and it gets between three and thirty hits per day. I am glad that someone is reading it… but I also suspect that I would write it even if nobody ever did.

    My attitudes about other aspects of my progress have not changed much. I do not want anyone’s unsolicited advice. While I have started writing it recently, for the first seven or eight months I did not mention (on the blog) what I weigh. These numbers were, of course, kept in the journal to track progress. Until very recently they were never shared.

    It is amazing that so many people have so much advice to offer about how to lose weight. I wonder how many of those can say that they have lost ninety pounds. Thanks for your advice… I’ll file it with the rest of the unsolicited crap I get in the post.

    For a couple of years before I moved to Israel, I coached high school basketball. I had a lot of fun with that, even though in hindsight I was not very good at it. In my last year of coaching girls, I remember a game which we were winning. We were doing really well. I had the girls playing a zone defense, and we were shutting down the opposition. At halftime, someone told me that we were not supposed to be playing zone but had to switch to man-on-man. I do not remember the details, but I remember in the locker room telling the girls to shift from one to the other. We came out for the second half, and we lost the game by ten points. It was not because man-on-man is better or worse than zone, it was because we changed our strategy mid-game… and we blew it.

    Every winning coach has a different strategy to win, and while some of them are similar, some are quite different. I remember hearing somewhere that the hardest thing to do in sports is to go into the locker room at halftime of the Super Bowl and change the strategy that worked for you all year but is not working anymore. There will come a time I am sure when I am forced to re-evaluate my plan because it stopped working. In fact, that has already happened twice. I had been having two meals per day, and I switched to one meal per day. I was having my meal in the evening, but then shifted to eating it at lunchtime (when my schedule allowed for it).

    My point is this: while I am losing weight, why would I try to change what is working for me? It is not like the people who are spewing advice at me are saying ‘Oh, I am sorry to hear that your weight loss has stalled or plateaued… maybe this will help?’ They are usually saying ‘Hey, you are losing weight? Great… this is a better way to lose weight.’ Really? You don’t say? Thanks for your garbage advice. Have a nice day.

    While my program is working, I am going to keep on it. If you are offended that I am not telling you about it, that is just something you are going to have to learn to live with. I am sure your way of doing things might work… but my way of doing things works too. In fact, it is working, and I will keep at it until I decide to change. I am not going to change my strategy that is obviously working because you feel that your way is better. I am sure your way is better for you. My way is what is best for me for now.

    Just to be clear, the answer is NO. When the time comes when I decide to change my strategy, I will not go looking for the advice of everyone who thinks they know best. You may be surprised by this, but I did not come up with the current strategy off the top of my head. It was not delivered on tablets from Mount Sinai. I came up with it by taking the advice of many medical professionals, at least some of whom know more about weight loss than do my friends the accountants, marketing professionals, bankers, and brokers. Thank you, I will continue to let you all handle my finances, marketing, and banking. I will continue to seek their advice about my health.

    I know that the above paragraph is going to incense somebody who thinks the entire medical field is a giant scam to push pharmaceuticals on their patients. I can assure you that over the past 290 days that I have been on my weight loss journey, no drugs have been involved. Also, I trust my doctor. Also, I think most conspiracy theories are stupid.

    To those of you who might ask what I am doing to lose weight safely? I encourage you to read my blog from the beginning. For those of you who want to give me advice about how to lose weight? I encourage you to pick up a book, turn on the television, or go for a walk. Do anything but give me weight loss advice. Trust me, I’ve heard it all before, and I have picked a strategy that works for me.

  • Just Ignore Them

    A few days ago, I shared a piece that I wrote about peer pressure. I was angry that a friend of mine tried to get me to eat something that was not only fattening but also not kosher. I wrote the article to remind myself – and others like me – how hard it is to stay true to one’s diet (and to one’s religion), and that pressure from friends was unwelcome.

    I got a response from a fellow dieter that read: ‘Just ignore them.’ This got me thinking.

    The word ‘just’ should be taken out of the language as far as dieting is concerned. Let’s look at some of the advice I have gotten from people over the years that begin with that word:

    • “Just cut out the carbs and you’ll lose the weight.”
    • “Just drink a glass of grapefruit juice before every meal.”
    • “Just cut out sweets.”
    • “Just eat between 10:00am and 6:00pm.”
    • “Just cut out alcohol and the weight will melt away.”
    • “Just walk a couple of miles every day!”

    The list goes on and on and on, ad nauseum. There seems to be this colossal misunderstanding that by adding the word ‘just’ in front of a suggestion means that it will be easy. If that was true, there would be no fat people in the world. Nor, for that matter, would there be any poor people, or weak people, or people who abuse their spouses and children.

    What would happen if we were to replace the word ‘just’ with something more appropriate and honest?

    • “As much as you love carbs, if you cut them out you will lose weight.”
    • “You may not like the taste but drinking a glass of grapefruit juice before eating might help with weight loss.”
    • “They are so tasty and addictive… but if you cut out sweets you will lose weight.”
    • “It is not easy, but some people find they lose weight if they only eat between the hours of 10:00am and 6:00pm.”
    • “We all love a drink now and then, but alcohol is empty calories and cutting them out can help you to lose weight.”
    • “Exercise is good for weight loss, as hard as it might be.”

    This advice may not sound easy, but it is honest. There used to be a commercial on the radio that started: “Losing weight is simple… but it is not easy.” I do not know how simple it is, but it is certainly not easy… and it is certainly not a one size fits all thing.

    I have a close friend who is a gourmet chef, and probably outweighs me by a couple hundred pounds. He is having success losing weight with intermittent fasting (the 10-6 thing) but has told me flat out that he will not cut pasta out of his diet. Okay, he still eats his carbs… and is losing weight. I have another friend who has lost a lot of weight by dieting but does absolutely no exercise.

    Do you see where I am going with this? There is no one approach to losing weight, but none of them are easy. Likewise, ‘Just ignore them’ was what my mother used to tell me about bullies when I was in elementary school. IDIOT! It isn’t like I was going out looking to be bullied. They came to me, and if I ignored them, I got beaten up. This may not have been the worst advice I ever got from my mother, but it was pretty bad. It was if she was saying “Why are you so stupid! If someone gets in your face and calls you names, just walk away and they will never call you names anymore! Name calling doesn’t hurt anyone!” Thanks, Ma.

    Rather than saying to someone ‘Just ignore them,’ try “Oh my G-d, that is terrible. I know it is hard, but you have to remember to walk away. Whatever you eat hurts you, not them.” There are lots of things you can say, but whatever it is… take the word JUST out of it and throw it in the garbage. Unless you are explaining something on a computer when you say ‘Just press the space bar’ just stop saying the word.

    </rant>