Losing a part of me

Blog

  • Day 9 – Not Good

    I wasn’t doing great yesterday, but I got through it. I was also thrilled to get the best night sleep in a very long time! And then…

    I couldn’t believe how tired I was this morning. I almost got back into bed after my morning ritual. I had to work, so it was not an option. With that said… wow I was tired.

    I have not been on my program today because I did not think I was going to make it through the day. I had granola for breakfast and lunch. That’s not where it ended… I devoured several ropes of licorice. I am disgusted with myself. Tomorrow will be another day.

    I am not actually waiting for tomorrow. I am going to try to resume the program this evening, with my late-afternoon and evening meal replacements. Honestly, while the granola wasn’t a great idea for the weight loss program (it was probably necessary to have enough energy to teach my class without falling asleep), I hate myself for the licorice. No fat… pure sugar. I cannot imagine that there is any redeeming property to licorice, and I am certain that when I step onto the scale tomorrow morning, my weight will be up a bit. F&ck.

    I ordered two weeks worth of meal replacements yesterday, and there is an interesting variety that includes chocolate shakes, candy bars, and soups. I am hoping it is all palatable. When it arrives I will know.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Week 2 begins…

    I did not weigh myself the morning of Day 1, so I cannot be certain of my exact progress at the beginning of the second week. It is approximately fifteen pounds based on my weigh-in the previous day, and the night. I’ll take it.

    I ate weird yesterday. I had my first two meal replacements as expected, but then was out for the rest of the day and so could not easily have my third and fourth. The peanuts are finished, so in lieu of the third meal replacement I found a package of unsalted almonds (1.5oz) which was a good substitute. I then sat at my bar until nearly midnight, and while I was hungry when I got home… I decided to skip my fourth meal replacement of the day and go to bed slightly hungry. Because of the nutrients required to stay healthy I know to not make a habit of this… but once in a while, it will not hurt.

    As I dressed to teach this morning I am wearing the same pants I wore yesterday so there is no difference there; my shirt is one that I was able to wear comfortably ten days ago, so I do not think that is an indicator. The sports jacket that I am wearing… that feels a bit looser than it did ten days ago in Indiana. Not only am I able to sit down in it comfortably, but I was also worried about the fit over the holstered firearm in my belt. Do I need to be armed while teaching? Of course not! I am wearing it because I am trying to get used to wearing it. I suspect that as I lose the weight it will continue to feel more comfortable, and I will need to carry it less.

    On a subject partially related to the firearm: I was excited that my new eyeglasses were meant to arrive today for many reasons, not the least of which is that I am hoping it will help with my aim. I also find that as I sit looking at my computer screens, I am squinting more than I used to. Perhaps that will be helped a bit. Well, I woke up to an email that said they are now due to arrive tomorrow. Will one extra day make a huge difference? It will not.

    My initial self-challenge statement was that I would lose fifty pounds from last Monday to New Years… something like 49 days. I am not posting progress charts on my fridge, I am simply doing my best. I know that Week 1 will always produce the most extreme results, so I am guardedly optimistic that I am now about thirty-five pounds from that goal with 42 days to go. These last three days the progress has been one pound per day, and that will not continue. Might I reach my goal? Perhaps. Will I be successful if I do not meet that goal by New Years, but continue to lose all of the weight I want to lose? Yes… but only if I can keep it off.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 7 Begins…

    I felt like a failure yesterday because I keep eating peanuts. I again ate three portions (one of which was in lieu of a meal replacement). I am still just hungry and listless, and despite my productivity yesterday I wish I could just make it through the day on my allotted meal replacements.

    Tomorrow or Tuesday I will be ordering my next shipment of them, and there will be a difference. Whereas the Canadian program (which I have been following) calls for 4×225 calorie meal replacements per day, the American program (which most of the equivalent programs follow) call for 5×160 calorie meal replacements. More often, but fewer calories (both per-meal and overall). I have been thinking that I will try to do the 800 calorie regimen, but if I do not succeed, then I can add a sixth meal replacement which would bring my total up to 960… more that the Canadian program, and still less than 1000 calories. I don’t know… we’ll see.

    I’m tired. I am going back to bed for an hour.

  • Saturday Morning

    Yesterday was both an easier day… and a harder one. It was easier in that I had more energy than I have recently. It was harder in that I had three full helpings of peanuts – only one of which replaced a meal replacement. I have to cut that down today.

    I went to the firing range yesterday, and did not do too bad – considering my age, my weaker arms, and my lousy eyes. I said a few times throughout the remainder of the day that I am looking forward to receiving my new eyeglasses with the updated prescription.

    I started to write this entry this morning and got distracted. It was not really a ‘oooh! Butterflies!’ moment; in truth, I was quite productive for a few hours on actual work. I then spent a couple of hours at my cigar lounge before coming home to walk and feed the Floof.

    I had my third shake of the day, as well as two servings of peanuts. I am still hungry, I do not know how I am going to make this work.

    Have a great day folks… I am off to my bar to have another cigar and to watch the hockey game!

  • Day 5 Midday

    Yes, I had peanuts yesterday. I bought more than I should have, but I did not eat them all. In fact, I do not think I even overindulged.

    My weight was still down this morning, despite two handfuls of the legumes. One of those handfuls was in lieu of a meal replacement.

    It is currently just after noon on Friday, and I have had a mostly productive morning. I have a little more work to do from home, after which I will take my tablet to the cigar lounge and work from there. I am nursing my second meal replacement of the day, and I wish is were a bit more satisfying.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 4 – mid-afternoon

    I think today is going to be the day I succumb to the need for extra calories. I have been sluggish all day, spent two hours in bed in the afternoon, and still feel like I have no energy whatsoever. I have been hungry, listless, and unable to be productive. This is a bit of a change, since yesterday was a very productive day.

    It took me nearly 20 minutes to finally pull myself out of bed and get dressed. I am currently enjoying my third meal replacement of the day, but despite that I strongly suspect there is a handful of peanuts in my near future.

    I have things I need to do this afternoon and evening, and I doubt that my current (or soon to be) 675 calories will suffice. Until the ketosis sets in I am going to have to add a bit to it. Yes, there is a trip to Sprouts in my very near future.

    I am really looking forward to the extra energy that will come with ketosis…

  • Day 4 – Morning

    I did something proactively this time around that I had not done in any of my previous kicks at the can. Rather than waiting, I began adding a tablespoon of fibre to one shake on Day 1. I remember some of the painful moments (and even days) that I have had on previous attempts, and I think I made the right call. In fairness, had I not found the fibre stored with my meal replacements, I likely would not have thought of it… but I did.

    I moved here three months ago and have been quite social in a small circle… mostly with the patrons of a sports bar where I have been hanging out. I have not had any success with women, and not for lack of trying. I have made a lot of female friends… but that is not the same thing. Last night I was trying to watch my hockey game when a very attractive woman sat down next to me and started a conversation. I was under no delusion that it was anything other than social, and I was fine with that. I have decided that until I can look in the mirror and really believe that my body might be attractive I am not going to try to date. I think it is a wise decision for a number of reasons… not the least of which is that dating often involves food, which is something I am trying to avoid for the time being.

    I am not sure if it is because of the fibre, but I had to take a break from writing to return to the washroom. Things can move quick sometimes.

    One of the reasons I am looking forward to losing weight is because of all of the clothes that I have that I cannot wear. My closet is full of custom-tailored suits, sports jackets, and shirts that have not fit me in a couple of years, and I am looking forward to being able to wear them again. It will take time, but I am not really in a hurry. That is not to say that I am patient… only that I am trying to work on that!

    There have been so many changes in my life over the last few years. I am not going to go into detail, but I will say that I am not happy with many of them. There have been several extremely stressful issues that have come up… and most of them are, for the most part, now behind me. Not all of them. I am not going to go into any detail. Suffice it to say that my decision a few years ago to be honest in all things has both bit me in some ways and kept me on track in others. I just wish that I had not allowed the stress and anxiety to lead me back down the obesity path. Now it is time to get past that.

    Today is Day 4 of my renewed efforts. Let’s see if I can get that to 220 lbs.

    I have a very long way to go.

  • End of Day 3

    I told my son this afternoon that I was going to be weak the next few days… he has been very supportive so far.

    I did not think I would be able to get through today. I have been hungry, but I am still trying to stay firm. I have not cheated… yet.

    I did some research into replacements for my replacement shakes. I was advised by several members of the support group toward one that they have succeeded with, and I will place an order before the weekend. I still have more than a week’s worth of shakes, and I am not going switch to the new ones until I have gotten through them. Yes, I will order them sooner… but not this evening.

    I am off to bed… but I need to find a way to get past the hunger.

  • End of Day 2

    I have not been posting religiously every day as I have on previous diet reboots. With that said, I am at the end of Day 2… although I do not even want to think about how many Day 2s I have gotten to the end of. It is not ‘Fall down seven times, stand up eight.’ It is more like my twentieth attempt.

    My son the elder is living with me in my new place. When I told him on Saturday that I would be starting the program on Monday, he asked me what he can do to support me. I told him that I did not know, but if I thought of anything then I would let him know. Since then I have:

    • Asked him to surrender my ‘large cube ice trays’ so that I could use them in my meal replacement shakes;
    • I told him that the larger of the blender cups, as well as the blade cover, needs to be available and clean. I did order more cups of that size though, so now it is only about the blade;
    • I warned him that there would be times, especially during the first week or two, when I would likely be in a very crappy mood, and that if I took it out on him then I would need for him to forgive me PDQ;
    • Over the first few days, while I am sluggish until the ketosis kicks in, I asked him for some help with my dog, especially the evening walks.

    He asked me a couple more questions: Would I still be drinking coffee, and would I still be taking milk in it? Yes… and sugar, although I am severely cutting down on the sugar. Would I be eating anything other than the shakes? Hopefully not… but in the event that I needed to, I would buy unsalted peanuts or almonds.

    I did nearly blow my top today, but he was not around, and it had nothing to do with him. I thought for a minute that I might leave my firearm in the safe for a few days, but I was extremely well-trained in firearm safety and discipline. I will not be drawing it unnecessarily.

    There are so many things I want to write, but it is 9:45pm and I just sat down at the computer because I was having my final meal replacement of the day, so I am not going to write essays. With that said, there are two things I want to put down before they slip my mind:

    1. I still have some of the meal replacement that I have always used left. I brought it from Canada, and I have a ten-day supply. They used to have an equivalent product (under the same trade name) in the USA, but from what I can tell it seems like they stopped selling it. I had heard about a year ago that they might have, but this was the first time I had to check. I will have to find an equivalent product, and fortunately there seem to be a few options which I can research later this week.
    2. I know I tried to start again in 2026, but it never really lasted very long. There have been so many changes to my life since I was last fully open and honest and transparent in this journal. Over the next few days I am going to try to cover some of what was going on.
    3. I do not remember the first time Connie emailed me offering her support, but she has been so amazing in trying to back me over the past few kicks at this can. I realized I know very little about her, but she has been the one constant and completely supportive cheerleader in my corner these past few tries. I cannot tell you how much her emails mean to me. We have never met or spoken, and I do not even know what country she lives in… but when I posted last week that I was planning to start again she emailed me, and it meant so much. I started to write a sentence that would have been perceived as a shot at someone and I do not want to do that. We all have to do what is best for us. I suppose all I will say then is thank you so much for your support Connie! You will never know what it means for me.

    I don’t know if I will write tomorrow, but over the next few days I’ll fill in some gaps.

    Have a great day.

  • Let’s Go

    The last 18 months have been a rollercoaster. Even the good times have been extremely stressful. I am disgusted by my current shape.

    I have been traveling these last two weeks and I am not certain what my current weight is, but I know it is disgusting.

    A week ago I was sitting with a colleague and as we sat there I made a decision, and I told him. I am getting home from this trip tomorrow (Saturday) evening. Monday I am starting my program… and I will lose fifty (50) pounds by New Years.

    Is it realistic? I don’t know. I do know that I will do my best, and even if I lose only 45 pounds then it will be a success… and I will try to keep going.

    Let’s get back on track.