Losing a part of me

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  • Day 4 – Morning

    I did something proactively this time around that I had not done in any of my previous kicks at the can. Rather than waiting, I began adding a tablespoon of fibre to one shake on Day 1. I remember some of the painful moments (and even days) that I have had on previous attempts, and I think I made the right call. In fairness, had I not found the fibre stored with my meal replacements, I likely would not have thought of it… but I did.

    I moved here three months ago and have been quite social in a small circle… mostly with the patrons of a sports bar where I have been hanging out. I have not had any success with women, and not for lack of trying. I have made a lot of female friends… but that is not the same thing. Last night I was trying to watch my hockey game when a very attractive woman sat down next to me and started a conversation. I was under no delusion that it was anything other than social, and I was fine with that. I have decided that until I can look in the mirror and really believe that my body might be attractive I am not going to try to date. I think it is a wise decision for a number of reasons… not the least of which is that dating often involves food, which is something I am trying to avoid for the time being.

    I am not sure if it is because of the fibre, but I had to take a break from writing to return to the washroom. Things can move quick sometimes.

    One of the reasons I am looking forward to losing weight is because of all of the clothes that I have that I cannot wear. My closet is full of custom-tailored suits, sports jackets, and shirts that have not fit me in a couple of years, and I am looking forward to being able to wear them again. It will take time, but I am not really in a hurry. That is not to say that I am patient… only that I am trying to work on that!

    There have been so many changes in my life over the last few years. I am not going to go into detail, but I will say that I am not happy with many of them. There have been several extremely stressful issues that have come up… and most of them are, for the most part, now behind me. Not all of them. I am not going to go into any detail. Suffice it to say that my decision a few years ago to be honest in all things has both bit me in some ways and kept me on track in others. I just wish that I had not allowed the stress and anxiety to lead me back down the obesity path. Now it is time to get past that.

    Today is Day 4 of my renewed efforts. Let’s see if I can get that to 220 lbs.

    I have a very long way to go.

  • End of Day 3

    I told my son this afternoon that I was going to be weak the next few days… he has been very supportive so far.

    I did not think I would be able to get through today. I have been hungry, but I am still trying to stay firm. I have not cheated… yet.

    I did some research into replacements for my replacement shakes. I was advised by several members of the support group toward one that they have succeeded with, and I will place an order before the weekend. I still have more than a week’s worth of shakes, and I am not going switch to the new ones until I have gotten through them. Yes, I will order them sooner… but not this evening.

    I am off to bed… but I need to find a way to get past the hunger.

  • End of Day 2

    I have not been posting religiously every day as I have on previous diet reboots. With that said, I am at the end of Day 2… although I do not even want to think about how many Day 2s I have gotten to the end of. It is not ‘Fall down seven times, stand up eight.’ It is more like my twentieth attempt.

    My son the elder is living with me in my new place. When I told him on Saturday that I would be starting the program on Monday, he asked me what he can do to support me. I told him that I did not know, but if I thought of anything then I would let him know. Since then I have:

    • Asked him to surrender my ‘large cube ice trays’ so that I could use them in my meal replacement shakes;
    • I told him that the larger of the blender cups, as well as the blade cover, needs to be available and clean. I did order more cups of that size though, so now it is only about the blade;
    • I warned him that there would be times, especially during the first week or two, when I would likely be in a very crappy mood, and that if I took it out on him then I would need for him to forgive me PDQ;
    • Over the first few days, while I am sluggish until the ketosis kicks in, I asked him for some help with my dog, especially the evening walks.

    He asked me a couple more questions: Would I still be drinking coffee, and would I still be taking milk in it? Yes… and sugar, although I am severely cutting down on the sugar. Would I be eating anything other than the shakes? Hopefully not… but in the event that I needed to, I would buy unsalted peanuts or almonds.

    I did nearly blow my top today, but he was not around, and it had nothing to do with him. I thought for a minute that I might leave my firearm in the safe for a few days, but I was extremely well-trained in firearm safety and discipline. I will not be drawing it unnecessarily.

    There are so many things I want to write, but it is 9:45pm and I just sat down at the computer because I was having my final meal replacement of the day, so I am not going to write essays. With that said, there are two things I want to put down before they slip my mind:

    1. I still have some of the meal replacement that I have always used left. I brought it from Canada, and I have a ten-day supply. They used to have an equivalent product (under the same trade name) in the USA, but from what I can tell it seems like they stopped selling it. I had heard about a year ago that they might have, but this was the first time I had to check. I will have to find an equivalent product, and fortunately there seem to be a few options which I can research later this week.
    2. I know I tried to start again in 2026, but it never really lasted very long. There have been so many changes to my life since I was last fully open and honest and transparent in this journal. Over the next few days I am going to try to cover some of what was going on.
    3. I do not remember the first time Connie emailed me offering her support, but she has been so amazing in trying to back me over the past few kicks at this can. I realized I know very little about her, but she has been the one constant and completely supportive cheerleader in my corner these past few tries. I cannot tell you how much her emails mean to me. We have never met or spoken, and I do not even know what country she lives in… but when I posted last week that I was planning to start again she emailed me, and it meant so much. I started to write a sentence that would have been perceived as a shot at someone and I do not want to do that. We all have to do what is best for us. I suppose all I will say then is thank you so much for your support Connie! You will never know what it means for me.

    I don’t know if I will write tomorrow, but over the next few days I’ll fill in some gaps.

    Have a great day.

  • Let’s Go

    The last 18 months have been a rollercoaster. Even the good times have been extremely stressful. I am disgusted by my current shape.

    I have been traveling these last two weeks and I am not certain what my current weight is, but I know it is disgusting.

    A week ago I was sitting with a colleague and as we sat there I made a decision, and I told him. I am getting home from this trip tomorrow (Saturday) evening. Monday I am starting my program… and I will lose fifty (50) pounds by New Years.

    Is it realistic? I don’t know. I do know that I will do my best, and even if I lose only 45 pounds then it will be a success… and I will try to keep going.

    Let’s get back on track.

  • 2026 Day 41

    I have completely fallen off the rails. How do I get back on track?

  • 2026 Day 38

    I was shocked to see that I did not gain weight this week. How that is possible I do not know.

  • 2026 Day 37

    Yesterday was a little better… not much, but a little. I will weigh myself in the morning and then tomorrow morning hopefully I will be able to start back on track.

  • 2026 Day 36

    Drowning in it.

  • 2026 Day 35

    I think I did a little better yesterday… but I still feel like crap about the way I have fallen off the wagon.

    I did do one smart thing yesterday. After my class I got maybe five hours of sleep. I got up, took the Floof out, and then had dinner. I tried to reschedule an exam that I am taking tonight for last night, but was unable to get an appointment; I was about to sit on the balcony with a cigar, but then I realized that I was a bit tired. It was 9:30pm, and I did not start work until 1:30am. I went back to sleep for nearly three hours, and it was the right thing to do.

    Have a great day folks.

  • 2026 Day 34

    I was still off the cliff yesterday. I need to get a hold of myself!