Losing a part of me

Category: Injury

  • Day 1061

    I was relieved to see my weight drop back to almost the same level it was before my cheat day Saturday. It is not quite back, but almost. This morning’s 2.2 lbs. drop was welcome indeed… especially knowing that tomorrow evening is my Lodge’s holiday party, and while I will not be over-indulging… I do hope to be able to at least eat something. With that said, I still do not know what is on the menu, and in case it is something that I cannot eat then I will at least have a protein bar stashed away in my car. Of course, I am hoping for turkey and gravy and cranberry sauce… but I will find out tomorrow!

    My sleep score was a 75 last night which is not bad. I am sure that had I gotten to bed an hour earlier then it would have been better. As it happens, when my eyes opened at 6:00am I did not want to go right back to sleep, knowing that my alarm was set for just ten minutes later. My body battery was a 72 this morning… also not bad, but I know that neither of these scores is great.

    There is something that the reader should know about me, which is that I do not remember pain. If something is hurting now then I know it, but if it was hurting an hour ago but is fine now then it is completely out of mind. That is why for the last few days as I wrote my journal entries, I have had trouble remembering why I did not jog my entire workout the previous day. I realized that as I was on the treadmill yesterday and made a note on my phone (for this morning) to remind me that my ankle has been tender. It is because of that I have been mostly walking on the treadmill, and not some sort of ‘out of shape, out of breath’ issue. As I wrote yesterday, “I would rather reach that goal at a slower pace than miss it at a faster one.”

    I did hit my steps-goal yesterday with a 5km workout on the treadmill, but only about half a kilometre was jogging and the rest was a brisk walk. With that I am happy to see this morning that my steps streak is sixteen days, tied for my longest streak which dates from April 10-25, 2023. It was just two days after that I got onto the plane to Dallas, and then to California with my wife for our religious wedding (we had already been married civilly for nearly a year by then). This time I have no travel that will impede it… although tomorrow will be a challenge because of the evening social obligations. I have a few ideas that I am thinking about trying and am not precluding the possibility of spending an hour on the treadmill during my class and watching the lecture instead of my regular TV. We will see… but for that to even be an issue I have to extend the streak today, which means that after class I will be going at it on the treadmill… and thanks to my lovely but occasionally obstinate dog who does not care for the wet weather, I will need to go longer this evening than I normally would.

    It is time for me to get signed into my class so I will end here. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 708

    How exciting… today’s the day I go in for the second part of my dental surgery. I am not excited about that.

    I was excited that I not only decided to but actually bought a treadmill yesterday. I am not excited that while trying to put it into my car I broke a finger. To add insult to injury, my finger was trapped in the treadmill for ten minutes while the teenaged girl who was selling it to me tried in vain to not panic. This was not the first time in my life that as the injured party I had to calm and console the other person. This poor girl did not do anything wrong, but I could not convince her of that. I finally told her to get some liquid soap so that I could extricate my finger from the vice-like grip. The fact that I did not react at all – I did not raise my voice, I did not swear or curse – was a feat. I rewarded myself by smoking a $500 cigar when I got home… and self-medicated with what I will call Scottish Penicillin.

    All this, and I still do not have the treadmill. I have left a down-payment for it so it is mine, but I have to go back with a friend to pick it up.

    I suspect that my weight would have dropped a bit more this morning had I not had the whisky… or at least if I had not had so much of it.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 286

    I was certain that after yesterday’s 2.6lbs drop, my weight would creep up a little bit today. In fact, it dropped. As well, my BMI, that devil of a number that confirms that yes, I am indeed obese, dropped to 39.0. I continue to be excited by my progress, especially as the numbers on the scale continue to creep closer to the magical 300lbs mark.

    I mentioned the last couple of days I was having a bit of a blockage issue. That finally passed this morning, and I had my first healthy bowel movement of the last few days. I expect that was a contributing factor to my day-over-day weight loss, in addition to my mostly sticking to the program yesterday (there were some peanuts, as the evidence was discovered by my sleuthing wife).

    Lyle and I were talking about food yesterday. He is a gourmet chef and has also been losing a lot of weight recently. We discussed the bad rap that fatty food has always gotten, and how the sugar lobby convinced the world (and the US FDA) that fat was the real enemy. All the while, it was simple carbohydrates and sugars that are the real villains. With that said, I am amazed that I got from one end of the Halloween season to the other without being tempted by any candy. I did not buy any to give away (which is good, because nobody knocked on my door), and I did not partake in any of the giveaways that were offered to me over the last few days.

    I remember one Halloween a few years ago when I was living in my apartment in California, the first year of the pandemic. I bought a big bag of miniature chocolate bars, and while my buddy Tam and I sat on the balcony smoking cigars, we would toss them to kids (and adults) passing by. We probably ate a few of them as well… this was in the first month after I fell off my weight management program, and I did not yet realize that I was falling back toward the pit of morbid obesity. Last night, I sat outside on the balcony after 7:30pm with only a cigar… and a video date with my wife. All in all, it was a much healthier Halloween than 2020 was.

    I woke up this morning to the very sad news that my downstairs neighbour passed away last night. She has been very sick for the last couple of months and went into hospice care ten days ago. Her dog Bella was always the mean kid on the block, barking at Princess Sophie like she might intimidate my girl. Still, we know she was a good doggie (if not well behaved). Her mom Wendy welcomed me to the neighbourhood before anyone else, and I will miss our chats when I would be coming in and she was sitting on the patio. Charlie’s mom and I were lamenting how fast it happened, how someone can go from ‘not feeling well’ to ‘riddled with Cancer’ to ‘dead’ in two months. It is another reminder to be grateful for what we have, because G-d can take it away just like that.

    I am going to head back to Lyle’s house this afternoon again. While it is cloudy and a bit foggy now, the sun is forecast to come out around 2pm, which is when I’ll head over there. The forecast for the next few days is sunny and warm for the season, and we Canadians do not take for granted warm weeks in November. Yes, I wish I had a job… but I am going to make the most of this time in the meantime. We will smoke a cigar in Wendy’s memory.

    With Halloween behind us, I am hoping that people respect the next eleven days, and do not start decorating for Christmas until after Remembrance Day. Of course, it would be nice if they could hold off until after American Thanksgiving, but that is a lot to ask for. I am not against Christmas, but I do believe that we should be able to remember our fallen soldiers with dignity and solemnity, and without grinches and santas and whatever else jumping out everywhere. Of course, some will say this makes me a grinch. Fine. Get off my lawn.

    The stitches in my finger are not bothering me. What is bothering me is having to wear the bandage on it. I removed the old bandage yesterday and put on a fresh one; in fact, I went through this exercise twice, because I did a shoddy job the first time… and because there was blood seeping through it. Here’s the weird part though: the blood was on the opposite side of my finger – that is, the side that was not sliced and sewn back up. There was no indication of damaged stitches or bleeding, but there was a bloody bandage. Maybe that was a Halloween thing, who knows? I will continue to keep it wrapped and as dry as possible for the next week and will ask my doctor to look at it when I see him on Monday. I expect that by then I should be mostly healed.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 285

    Based on my cheating yesterday at Ryan’s house (which proves, once again, that I have not yet broken my relationship with food) I suspected I would be writing a very different entry for today’s journal. Instead, here is what I have to say.

    In March 2021 my best weight was 305.6lbs. It was on March 1 that Leslie and I both started training on a team where we would work together… and fall in love. It was March 3 that I weighed my best. By the day that she confessed her feelings for me, some four months later, I had gained 40lbs. By January the next year, I would gain another fifty pounds. Leslie did not fall in love with me because of my body; I have never once doubted the sincerity of her love for who I am. While our relationship has also experienced some highs and lows over the past year, our love for one another has never been a question.

    Several weeks ago, I realized that at some point my weight would drop below what I weighed last March… and that going forward, every best-weight-ever recorded would also be the lowest weight at which my wife has ever known me. I know she loved me (and was attracted to me) at my heaviest weight, although she was as frustrated as I was by my limitations based on my enormous size. It was during her last visit to see me in 2021 when I decided that I was going to start my weight loss program again in January.clip_image002 It took a few weeks longer than I had hoped – I originally planned (as everyone does) to start January 1 – but I did eventually get going. Through the best of times and worst of them, Leslie has supported me, has encouraged me, has loved me. I have felt that every failure was not only me failing, but it was also me disappointing her. Maybe that is why after a bad fight in July, I decided to redouble my efforts to lose the weight.

    As you can see from the graph that I included, my weight loss has not been a straight downward line. Rather, it has a lot of peaks and valleys. It goes up a bit, it goes down a bit. The important thing, as Leslie consistently reminds me, is that the overall trend is significantly downward. What has no ups and downs is Leslie’s love for me. Yes, there have been times when she has been furious with me… she has never stopped loving me. That is one of the reasons I keep going… not only on my weight loss program, but in general.

    Today, for the first time since the week we met, I weigh less than I weighed that fateful week. I am officially the lowest weight I have ever been since the gorgeous woman who is my wife has known me. I see that as a huge milestone, possibly moreso than the upcoming milestone of dropping below 300lbs (for the first time since February 2021). I have been looking forward to this more than that for the simple reason that the 300lbs milestone is just a number; it is a meaningful one to be sure, but it is only that to me. The weight I was when I met Leslie is a shared comparative milestone which symbolizes my willingness to continue improving myself for her, because her love is worth it.

    —

    I spent yesterday at Ryan’s house watching football and smoking cigars. That was expected. I cheated on my weight management program; I cheated way too much. I had peanuts (which are not the worst thing in the world, although these were salted). I also had some bar nuts (which were coated in some sugary something), as well as some pretzels that had peanut butter in them. I was ashamed of myself, and I remember thinking that eating like this will destroy any progress I have made. What I should have been thinking about was my suit. Leslie reminded me yesterday before I went to Ryan’s that I want to fit into my suits… so that I can impress her. Yes, that is what I should have been thinking. I have to get past the not thinking when I put food into my mouth. I have to remember why it is that I am trying to lose weight. I also have to remember how hard it has been to lose this weight… now 90lbs. I never want to have to go through this again, so I cannot slide back into my old ways.

    Some might think that there is a subliminal connection between my punishing myself for cheating and the trip to the emergency room I had to take last night after I sliced open my finger. In truth, that is unlikely. I was distracted by something for a moment while cutting vegetable for my salad and ended up needing five stitches in the middle finger of my right hand. I was not punishing myself but there is no doubt I reminded myself to focus while wielding sharp knives. The upside of the whole debacle is that I did not end up eating my meal (I asked my neighbour, who was also looking after Her Royal Floofness, to take the chicken from the air fryer, as well as the vegetables on my counter, and put them in the fridge). I got home from the hospital around 11:30pm, and I was not going to eat a whole meal that late at night. Instead, I made sure everything was put away properly, and I had a meal replacement bar. Had I eaten the meal, I would not have achieved the two milestones I did this morning (I also dropped below 305lbs).

    My plans for today are to visit with Lyle for a couple of hours. We will have a cigar on the patio, and he wants help moving something to the kerb. When I agreed to help, I had all ten fingers, but I suspect I should still be able to manage with nine and a half. I love my friends, and anything I can do to help is usually my pleasure to do.

    I do not know if my weight will jump tomorrow, but I suspect it will. I do not know if it will go above 305lbs, but I really hope it does not peak above the 305.6lbs mark, which is the Leslie-mark. I know that she won’t be upset about… but I would be. In other words: I have to stay on track today!

    Next stop: the 300-pounds milestone!

    Have a great day folks!