Losing a part of me

Category: Moderation

  • Day 26: FAILED

    I fell off the wagon yesterday.

    I went to a Lodge and… well, it would be so easy to say that I succumbed to peer pressure, that I was encouraged or urged to eat. In truth, I just fell into old habits and did not pay attention. I asked to make sure the chili had no pork, I made sure to add onions but not cheese… but I had two large helpings of turkey chili which is extremely not on my program. The result? I gained 2.0 lbs. from yesterday. F&ck.

    Today might have become another difficult cheat day because I am going to another Lodge this evening, and I will be encouraged to eat there. With that said, I think someone mentioned they are serving pizza, and while I love pizza, most of it will not be kosher. It they have a cheese or veggie pie then I might allow myself a single slice… not two, one.

    I am already looking and feeling better than I did less than a month ago when I embarked upon this journey, and I am not going to fall off the wagon. I am, however, going to allow myself to recognize that I am not a machine, and eating only the same meal replacements for months on end will be hard. Coming into this holiday season, I am going to have a couple of turkey dinners where I can splurge. I will not go overboard, but I do love turkey. I am dating a lovely lady and I will take her out… and eat salads. I will try to separate the ‘cheat meals’ with several days of staying on my program.

    I had an interaction at my bar last night that left me a bit floored. There is a woman there that I went on a date with a couple of months ago. We kissed but nothing more. She seemed to really like me, but succumbed to peer pressure from some of her other friends at the bar who convinced her that dating me was a bad idea. The words ‘Fucking Jew’ were mentioned among the only solid reasons for this. For the most part, I did not really care. I moved on. I would say hello to her at the bar, but that was about it. Before I decided to not pursue her any further, she broke her word to me several times. She stood me up on two occasions when we were supposed to meet, she promised she would text me so that we could talk but never did, and she promised to pay me back for something (less than $20).

    Last night she was there with the guy who convinced her I was an FJ and bad news. I did not feel any need to interact. I’m sure you will agree that was the best strategy. I enjoyed my cigar, I sang a few karaoke songs, and I was getting ready to go home when she got me to come over and to speak with her and a friend of hers (not the guy). She told me that her friend had nowhere to go, and she was wanted me to bring the friend home with me. For some context, the friend is quite attractive. I am reasonably sure that had I agreed, I would be quite a bit more tired this morning than I am. The woman told me ‘She is very safe and trustworthy. I can vouch for her.’

    I said no. I did it politely, and told them both that it was out of the question. The woman asked me why not, if she vouches for her? I told her she did not want to know the answer. She insisted.

    I told her that she had no credibility with me, and that her vouching for the woman actually worked against her, rather than in her favour.

    She tried to turn it around on me that I don’t want to help her because she never slept with me, and then focused on that I don’t like that she hangs around with Kevin.

    I told her that I did not know who Kevin was. (I was telling the truth, although it was safe to assume that Kevin was the guy who called me an FJ. He was also the guy she was hanging out with that evening, and who she seemed to make out with a few times although I can’t be sure) I told her truthfully that I could not trust her because she had lied to me a number of times, and because of the decisions she makes.

    In short, this woman is going to start talking trash about me at the bar. She has no real ammunition, but lies are plentiful.

    I told the girl I am dating the whole story. I did not want her hearing it from anyone else. I think she agrees that I handled it properly. Phew!

    Okay, it is time for me to have my lunch. My new order of meal replacements arrived yesterday so I have the beef stew readying. It is not quite mouth watering, but it is tasty.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 796

    Yesterday was a wonderful day from beginning to end. IY”H every day should be as good.

    After the ridiculously long, stressful, and expensive two-day span that was Saturday into Sunday, I landed in Cuba only one hour later than I had originally planned for, and was at my apartment by 4:30pm. I did not unpack, but I did go into my suitcase to find a pair of shorts and my sandals (I had changed into a short-sleeve shirt on the plane from Toronto to Houston) and I went out to meet my buddy only a few minutes later than expected. He and I spent the evening together, enjoying a coffee and then dinner… followed by another snack a little later. I was back in my apartment by 11:00pm, and while I was quickly running out of juice, I had to unpack and organize my kit before turning in. I turned on the water heater so that I would be able to shower before getting into bed, which I was finally able to do by 12:30am. I slept like the dead.

    I seldom eat well on travel days, and what with all of the stress and anxiety of the entire ordeal Sunday was no exception. After everything, I should have turned it off… but as we sat in the cafe-bar toward the end of the evening, as Johnny devoured his desert I compounded it by indulging in a plate of French fries. I knew it was wrong… and I did not and do not and will not feel bad or apologize for it. My step count for the day was 14,000, and my stress count was through the roof. I deserved every morsel and every calorie that I ate Sunday.

    Yesterday would have to be better… and it was. I did not eat breakfast, partially because the restaurant I had planned to eat at was not open yet, but also because I met a few guys from Kentucky at my buddy’s cafe and nibbled on a piece of their toast. For lunch I had a plate of pasta (which in Cuba is a reasonable size, and not what one might get in a restaurant in North America). Dinner was a plate of fried plantains and a chicken dish that likely had the nutritional value (or lack thereof) of an order of General Tao’s chicken… but again it was a reasonable size. I walked 17,000 steps throughout the day, enjoyed many cigars and cups of coffee, and the company of a few friends I always see when I’m here. In the balance, yesterday was a weight-plan success.

    After dinner I went back to Johnny’s bistro for another cigar and a video call, and I ran into the guys from Kentucky who joined me for a cigar… and pulled out a bottle of very fine bourbon. I relaxed until closing and then walked with Johnny as far as my apartment, where I picked up another cigar and then went to see my friend Gloria at her work. She and I chatted until nearly 3:00am, at which point I headed back to my place and had a very good (if short) sleep.

    This morning I ordered a plate of fried eggs and toast, and a couple of cups of coffee. Depending on whether or not people I met show up or not, I will either be leading a tour today, or I will just do my own thing in Habana Viella. While it would be great if they do show up, my day will likely be no better or worse if they do or not… it will just be different.

    My goal is to register 15,000 steps or more every day in Havana. That should not be a difficult goal to achieve, and will likely do much more than that some days. The only thing I need to be aware of is the state of my feet, remembering the problems I had with them on my last trip. Those problems started with a lot of steps in a pair of sandals that were probably well past their expected lifespan (measured in steps, not in age). I gave that pair away, and am wearing another pair that I had… which are older, but not nearly as well worn. After a day and a half in them (and over 30,000 steps) my feet seem fine, so I am optimistic. I brought running shoes just in case, but so far so good. If I need to then I will switch out for runners, but if I can manage it then my other goal is to return to Canada without having worn a single pair of socks the whole trip. We’ll see…

    If the group does not show up then I am planning to have a pizza for either lunch or dinner. The other meal will likely be fish or pasta. We’ll see. I did not feel the need to snack yesterday and while I was peckish by about 12:30am, I did nothing about it and went to bed a little hungry. I would have had to be much hungrier to decide to eat after 11pm. If I can make it through today without snacking then it will absolutely be another good food day.

    It has been some time since I wrote about my bowel movements, but this morning was so good that I feel I should mention that my system is working well, and I suspect that it was ridding my body of all the garbage I ate Sunday. As I walked toward my buddy’s bistro for breakfast I felt five pounds lighter.

    On the negative side, I was extremely disappointed with myself yesterday morning when I put on one of my new shirts and it was tight. I could have gotten away with it, but decided against it and changed into something looser. Hopefully within a few days I will try it on again with better results. While I am well aware that hope is not a strategy, I am truly hoping I can make that happen.

    It is now approaching 10:00am and my group is not here. As I said, either they will show up… or they will not. Either way…

    …have a great day!

  • Day 672

    Happy Thanksgiving. Sure… how can one be happy when there is nothing to be happy about? How can one be thankful when there is so little to be thankful about?

    My weight stayed the same as yesterday. I’ll take that as a win.

    My office chair has been a problem for a few months, and I finally pulled the trigger and bought a new one (second hand). I picked it up last night and it seems quite comfortable. Is that a reason to be thankful? No… but at least I will not have to worry about the issues I had with the old chair.

    I did a lot of studying yesterday and decided to pull the trigger. I booked my exam for Saturday afternoon. I always work pretty well under pressure, and knowing that Saturday is the day I will spend all of tomorrow cramming and preparing. Will it be enough? I hope so… the exam actually retires in two weeks, and I do not want to have to take it again next week (at great cost). If I do not get it then I will most likely abandon this one and start working toward the newer version of it. That won’t be too much of a problem, but I am still hoping to pass on Saturday.

    American Thanksgiving means that most of my contacts are completely off the grid today. I am going to spend the day with a friend. I need the company. My simple goal is to not eat more than I should. I had breakfast pretty late, so I will prepare dinner when I get home. I will have a reasonable snack, but will not eat anything else until then… or afterwards either.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 221

    Following our walk, Leslie and I had a great day. We went to a mall to pick up a couple of things (and to walk around… but at a much more leisurely pace. The original plan had been to go there, then to the Asian stores, and then for dinner. What we ended up doing was going from the mall to Cigars International Superstore (where we had a fabulous time sitting out, drinking, smoking, and watching people), and then at around 8:00pm we decided to go get food.

    We had miscalculated how busy the restaurants were going to be. In the end, our only viable option was P.F. Changs, which is tasty but not great for weight management. We ordered well, we ate smartly, but the restaurant must order MSG by the truckload, because I was feeling it all night. My weight this morning is up, but it is a temporary up; just like the other day with the rotisserie chicken, I know I am retaining water because of the sodium. In a day or two, that will fix itself.

    Leslie made a very valid point yesterday that I need to learn to be able to have a very small piece of something that I like without feeling that I have to gorge myself on it. The example she gave was a piece of a chocolate bar that she was eating. I am afraid that if I have one piece, I will then want two pieces… and it will not take very long before I will be devouring entire chocolate bars. If I am going to break my unhealthy relationship with food (a phrase and a concept that I have repeated over and over along this journey) then I need to be able to have one piece… and be satisfied by that. If I am not satisfied by it, then I need to restrain myself. I need to know that I can have the one… but I cannot have the second piece.

    I should mention that I also had a glass of scotch at the lounge… I mention it because I do not want to leave out any transgressions. I should not have had it, but I did… and I enjoyed it tremendously. Fortunately, I do not have the same addiction to alcohol that I do to food; I was satisfied with the one drink, and was not tempted to order another.

    The forecast for the day is another hot one, with no shelter from the sun. I am going to go out for my walk shortly. Yesterday I wore my new Adidas shoes which were great! Today I will wear my Asics shoes, only because I feel it a good practice to not wear the same pair day after day. I have a quick stop to make along the way to pick something up, but because of the heat I will not be going for records anyways. The temperatures are going to be very hot today; it is already 30° Celsius (85° Fahrenheit), on its way up to 36°/97°. I am going to make sure I drink a lot of water along the way, and pace myself.

    Have a great day folks!