Losing a part of me

Category: Negativity

  • Day 496

    I stuck to the plan yesterday, except that I accidentally made too much rice with my chicken. I have to remember to measure it out, and for some reason I was not paying attention and I just free poured. It could have been worse… I was probably a quarter of a cup too heavy on my pour.

    I was once again worried as I got into bed last night. Before I lay down, I stepped onto the bathroom scale. Of course the evening reading is discarded, but it usually gives me a good indication of what my weight will be in the morning. I can usually expect a drop of two pounds from 11pm to 7am. When I saw that my weight last night was a full 3.6 lbs. heavier than it had been in the morning, I got concerned that I would be gaining weight today. I might have to rethink my plans if that was the case… even if I did eat too much rice. It turns out that I worried needlessly. This morning I actually dropped .2 lb. from yesterday morning. I suspect the reintroduction of starch into my diet is having an effect on things, and the fluctuations over the course of the day are going to be less predictable. As long as I continue to lose weight from morning to morning then I am less concerned with that than I might have been.

    I am trying to remember if today is the second or third straight day that I have not had a successful bowel movement. While not yet worrying, this is certainly surprising as I have reintroduced a proper meal (and some days two) into my diet. I will have to pay attention to this over the next few days to see when I finally do, and if that becomes regular. I suspect that my next attempt might be painful, and in anticipation of that I decided to take a teaspoon of fibre powder this morning. I do not want to get so backed up that it gets uncomfortable and scary.

    My plans for the day are to do exactly what I have been doing these last few days. I will have lunch after my class, and that will be my only meal of the day. I will probably go shopping in the afternoon because I will be out of chicken, and also need some vegetables. I will not be tempted to cheat, and the best way to make sure I stay on track is to ensure that I have the proper stocks to prepare my meals in a timely fashion. I will not be straying from my path. I also need to return a couple of packages to Amazon, which I will try to do this afternoon as well.

    Today is Her Royal Floofness, Princess Sophie’s birthday! I took her for a very nice walk this morning, and she got to see some of her friends. We have treats that are usually reserved for the Sabbath, but she got one of those (and an extra cookie) this morning. She deserves to celebrate. Over the next few weeks there will be a few occasions that she and I will mark, including the day we met, the day I picked her up from her foster family, and the day I finalized her adoption. She has been my faithful friend these last four years, and I do not begrudge her the extra treats to celebrate. She will be getting a few of those this month.

    I am still reeling over a negative evaluation I got from a student from a course a couple of weeks ago. I finally read the full review this morning. It is clear to me that this student felt I was the worst instructor she has ever experienced… and was saying that the rest of the students felt the same way. On the one hand, I know that I am pretty good at what I do. On the other hand, a single really negative evaluation can cause a company to not hire me again. I am hoping that is not the case here, but I am going to make sure as I go forward that I do what I can to improve on some of the criticism she gave. On the other hand, she said that I said something that I know that I would never say to a class. I have no idea what she heard that makes her think that I said it, or if she heard it from another instructor and projected it onto me. Either way, it might be damaging, and I am hoping that it is a one-off and that the organization does not hold it against me. I am still certain they will keep an eye on me though… sort of like probation. It is a stress that I wish I did not have to worry about.

    In any event, it is time for me to get back to my day. I will stay focused and will not let any of this drag me off course. I need to succeed, and I will succeed.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 396

    For no good reason, I started reading articles from my original weight loss blog. In an article I wrote in January 2015 I wrote that when my first wife left me in February 2005, I weighed about 255 lbs. According to the article, his was down from a previous peak of 310 lbs. that I weighed in 2003. I guess I was a little off on my calculations for my best weight in twenty-five years… but only by about five pounds. Okay, that gives me a new milestone to add to my list of mini milestones that I keep handy!

    Another one of the entries I read was about everyone who wants to offer their advice and opinions. Thank you, but I am doing well on my own. I looked at one person who tried to tell me how I should lose weight and I said, ‘You know, in this conversation, at least one of us has lost over one hundred pounds. Anyone who has may offer advice.’ This offended them… possibly as much as their unwanted and unwarranted advice offended me.

    I wrote my article on food delivery services yesterday, and I decided to share it to my Facebook support group. I got a lot of positive feedback, but one busybody decided to scold me. I told her that before she scolds me and chastises me, she should read the whole article, rather than just the highlights… and if she still wants to speak down to me, she should just keep it to herself. She responded defensively of course, and I blocked her. I do not need that kind of negative energy in my life. I am doing well, and when I face challenges, I write about them. She took offense. Thank you, go away. Why can’t people understand that supporting others can be positive, and if you have nothing positive to say, then just don’t say anything? It took me years to understand that.

    I was not expecting a huge drop on the bathroom scale this morning, but I was pleasantly surprised. I was thinking that if I nudged back up to 280 lbs., even for a day, it would not be the end of the world. I did not veer from the program at all, but I was prepared for it anyways. Sure enough, I was down 1.6 lbs., which made me feel elated. Punching that number into the comparative chart from 2020 I am now 2.8 lbs. ahead of Day 17 from back then. What’s more, back then I dropped below but then back up, and it was not until Day 28 when I was at today’s weight, and then continued to drop. It also means that I am now 8 lbs. from achieving my best weight from 2017, which feels good as well.

    It took until Day 15 for me to be ahead of the 2020 pace. Now, unless I fall hard and drastic, it is likely that the number in the Compare column will be in the positives for good. If I can lose ten more pounds in the next eighteen days before I fly to Dallas – a stretch, but not impossible – then even if I were to gain two or three pounds during the trip, I would still be on pace to beat my 2020 pace to my best weight ever. I enjoy playing around with the numbers on the spreadsheet, so for the fun of it I did the math for if I came back to Canada on March 19 weighing 270 lbs., and then lost 2.8 lbs. per week, I would match the final day perfectly. Here’s the thing though: I plan to come home from Dallas under 270 lbs., and if I do not veer from the program at all then that is a very conservative estimate of my potential pace. It is not out of the question that on April 1st I could be at my best weight from 2020… and by April 12 (which would match the best weight pace from 2020) I might be at that best post-Army weight that I recorded from February 2005. Just for fun, I punched that same weight loss pace in from today, which would mean a .4 lbs drop per day. At that rate, I will be 255 on April 18. I could live with that!

    My plans for the day will depend on a couple of factors. I have reached out to Sam to see if he is still free to smoke cigars for a couple of hours. It would be nice to see him and Eduardo, but I understand that he is a busy man. The forecast calls for a high of 9° and partly cloudy, which means that if they do not come through, I will almost certainly suit up for a jog. I have not been out in a few days, and it will be good to get active. Looking at the hour-by-hour forecast, the highs are expected between 2-4pm, which is a perfect time for me to hit the trails… so to speak. Although now that I think of it, I might look up online to see what trails there are in Burlington. Even if I have to drive to get there, it would be nice if I could jog through wooded parks, and not on the sidewalks along semi-major streets. I will see if I have time to do that before my study group, which starts in a few minutes.

    Once again, I will stay on track. I will stay focused, and I will not fall off the wagon. It felt great when Lyle and Dorothy told me yesterday that even since they saw me last (about mid-January) they can tell that I have lost more weight. Yesterday I changed my Facebook profile picture, and several people commented that I was looking great and must have lost weight. If I can keep this pace up and shatter all expectations, then I can get to Dallas 18 lbs. lighter than when I left just thirty-six days earlier. I love feeling better with every pound I drop, but I am not going to lie… there is one person for whom I want to look good, and that is my wife. When she fell in love with me, I weighed a lot more than I do today, but that does not change the fact that she is younger than I am and prettier than I am, and she deserves the best looking me that I can give her. She was shocked when she put her arms around me and for the first time, she could wrap them completely around me… every drop in my weight will make that even more pronounced.

    I said just yesterday how important it was for long-term success to set short-term goals. It astounds me that after hitting all of those short-term goals that I have set for myself over the past thirteen months, I am just over three pounds shy of having lost one hundred and twenty pounds. It is a number that I am still having trouble wrapping my head around. It is hard to believe that yesterday I gave away the last of my fat clothes, and that I will never have to wear a XXXL shirt or a Size-40 pants again… and most of my XXL shirts don’t fit well either, to say nothing about my Size-46 pants that I started in. I look at myself in the mirror and when I am naked, I still see a fat man; when I put on clothes that are somewhat stylish, I am beginning to see the man that I want to be looking back at me. The first time that happened was on Day 267, when I walked into the washroom at the Mexican restaurant where Leslie and I were eating. It has gotten progressively better since then, although it is sad that in 130 days, I have only lost 30 lbs. At least I know that I am past that two-month plateau from Hell, and that I am back on track… I hope for good.

    Okay, it is time to get moving. My study group is about to start, and I do not want to be late. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 321

    I have been having a very difficult time of it of late. I have glossed over a lot of it, not wanting to share the depths of my despair, but the last few days it has been harder to hide. I walked out of the house yesterday on my way to Eduardo’s, and as I walked out the front door, I thought to myself ‘why bother?’ It is getting harder and harder, and I am getting less and less results and frankly less support, so why do I bother? I don’t care about myself, whether I live or die, so why do I care if I lose weight? Why don’t I just splurge, go out to Montana’s and pick up a huge order of deep fried Buffalo wings? Why don’t I pick up a bag of chips – or three – and watch the World Cup the way I would have ten years ago? Chips, wings, beer or whisky (or at least sodas), and pizza? How great would that be? Okay, maybe that would be excessive… maybe I could just go out for wings though. Fuck it all and damn the torpedoes.

    I did not do any of that. I wanted to, believe me. I was depressed enough that I thought about it, but I did not do it. My compromise was to have a piece of bread with a slice of cheese while watching the games. For lunch, I had a bowl of Cheerios… with skim milk. While not on my program, it was certainly not the worst thing I could have done. Even when Eduardo asked if I wanted to go out for lunch between the matches, I said no thank you. Thinking back on the options I would have had to eat in a restaurant, and how low my defenses were, I think we can all agree this was a very smart move.

    I am not going to Eduardo’s this morning. Yes, I will go in the afternoon for the second match, but I have things to do this morning. I am also so down that I do not think that I could be strong for a second day in a row, so I plan to stay home until after lunch. I am less likely to splurge out there if I have already eaten a full meal that I prepared at home… a meal, I should add, that is fully in line with my program.

    My weight was indeed down this morning, but who cares? The way I am feeling, I sure don’t. I want to give up… not just on weight loss, but on everything. Despite so many opportunities presenting themselves now, I feel like a complete and total failure. I am not employed, but despite having several contracts, as well as opportunities for more contracts on my plate, I hate where I am at. I am reticent to take a job in Canada, knowing that I will be moving to the United States in less than a year. At the same time, until I have my visa for the USA, I am not allowed to take a job there. I am at the whim of those who offer me contracts; thankfully those have sustained me. My problem is that while I am motivated to fulfil those contracts, my motivation to grow beyond where I am has fallen of late. I am trying, but I find it so hard to pull myself up, and when I am not contracted, I am wasting my time. I have to either be learning, or writing, or even working out. How do I get from where I am to where I need to be? That is the Sixty-Four Dollar question.

    Will I be able to succeed with that? Will I be able to get back on track with my work, with my life? I don’t know if, and I don’t know how. This morning my ex-wife and I had a meeting with a school that we are considering sending our son to, and I reflected (as I so often have) on my part in his life, and if he might not be better off if I was not around. This question is not limited to him. Maybe the world would be a better place… but until I figure that out, I will make my chicken and salad for lunch, and then I will go to watch the afternoon football match… and I will put on the brave and happy face that most people think is the real me, and I will continue to fool almost everyone. I wish I could fool myself.

    This is likely the most negative entry I have written in eleven months of writing about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Most of the time I am upbeat and happy, at least on the outside. When I am not, I try to put that face on anyways. After all, weight loss journals are not supposed to be about wanting to give up and end it all… but here I am. I do not have the energy or the will to lie about it today. If I have one drink today then I will open and finish a bottle, so I will not do that. If I take one pill, then I would do the same thing. If I went to a restaurant, I would not have the ability to order a small plate of anything, and unlike the Chinese food that Leslie and I shared a couple of weeks ago, not only would I not be throwing anything out, there would not even be any leftovers. Knowing all of that, I have put my chicken into the air fryer to make my lunch. After posting this entry as a blog article, I will go prepare my salad. I picked up Charlie (the neighbour dog) to come over to play with Princess Sophie, in the hopes that their playing would cheer me up a little. Here’s hoping.

    Have a great day folks. I won’t, but hope you do anyways.