Losing a part of me

Category: Reflection

  • Day 996

    Yom Kippur. The Day of Atonement. May we all have an easy fast and be inscribed into the Book of Life.

    Since the fast did not begin until after dinner last night there is no weight loss from it just yet… but the fact that my weight was up a ridiculous amount since Sunday meant that there was a lot of low-hanging fruit to shed; the numbers on the bathroom scale are still disgustingly high this morning, but there was a significant drop from yesterday. It is still well above that disgusting and depressing mark that I hate to mention, but at least it is closer to that mark than it was.

    Speaking of fruit, I was bad yesterday which turned out to be good. I will explain: I drove to Hamilton to spend a couple of hours with my buddy Lyle yesterday, and en route I stopped and picked up some dried apricots. Dried fruits are extremely high in sugar, and therefore a bad idea for anyone on any diet, especially a keto diet. On the other hand, apricots are, to quote one website I found, ‘may promote gut health, and are high in fibre.’ This is the polite way of saying ‘they are going to make you poop… a lot.’ Last night I had a very good bowel movement, and I had another this morning. Whether it was because of the apricots or not I do not know, but between the two I am not surprised that my weight dropped so significantly this morning.

    Other than the dried fruit, I ate pretty normally yesterday. I had my omelette and a roll for breakfast, chicken with egg rolls for lunch, and chicken with salad for dinner… with a challah roll. I actually bought two challah rolls and will break the fast this evening with the second one. I am also going to have to run to the store because I do not have anything to prepare for dinner… but that’s not the worst thing in the world.

    It is 10:15am and I am already hungry. I will try to not eat until sundown, but I did brush my teeth, I did take my meds, and I will smoke a couple of cigars on the balcony. These are all violations of the strict rules of the fast, but I am going to do my best to not eat or drink (except for the water required for my meds). I took the Floof out for her walk this morning, but it is my intention to not exert any more energy than necessary until after sunset when I can eat. I hope that I can stick to it… I will do my best.

    Yom Kippur is meant to be a day of reflection, so I am going to add something else here. On Wednesday I will write my Day 1000 entry into this journal, and what a wild ride it has been. While I am much slimmer than I was 1000 days ago, I have slipped terribly this last year. I would like to drop back below ‘that disgusting and horrible mark’ by Wednesday, and I would like to continue to lose weight to get back to where I was a year ago. I have had a few false starts so far, where I have made some progress… and then lost it all. I hope that this one can be the one. While hope is not a strategy, I will put in the effort to succeed.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 803

    I got back to my apartment at 2:00am and decided it was better to start packing before I went to sleep, rather than rushing it and trying to do everything in the morning. It was not at all surprising that although I came down with two suitcases that weighed 60 lbs. each and two carry-ons that weighed 25 lbs. each my two suitcases (which included my larger and heavier carry-on) weighed less than 60 lbs. combined, and my knapsack that I am carrying on weighs probably 20 lbs. From the beginning it was my intention to leave a ton of stuff (much of which I collected from my generous friends in Canada) with my buddy in Havana who is a Mason; some of it was for him and his family, most of it will be distributed by his lodge. It feels incredible to be able to help the poor Cuban people who need it; it feels wonderful to be traveling home with a much lighter load than I came with.

    Yesterday was another good day, both with regards to walking and with food intake. Late in the evening I was hungry and thought about enjoying a protein bar, but instead I opted to go to sleep with a slightly empty stomach. According to my phone (which I know is not as accurate at my fitness watch) I walked nearly 18,000 steps and climbed sixteen flights. There is nothing wrong with that!

    As I write this journal entry I am sitting in the airport in Havana. After passing through all of the checkpoints I purchased a bottle of booze at Duty Free, as well as some crackers and wafers. I gave my buddy the last of my US Dollars this morning, after putting aside enough to get to the airport and $5 extra for a cheese sandwich (which I am slowly savouring as I write). I was hoping that my Canadian credit card would work at Duty Free, but it did not, and I was relieved to have Canadian Dollars. The exchange rate is lousy, but the bottle that I purchased is not available in Canada, and as long as the US does not confiscate it from me, I should not have a problem. I have an hour and a bit before my flight boards, and while I will not be connecting to the Internet (which means it will not publish until I land in Houston), I am happy to have a relaxing time to sit and put down some thoughts.

    I love helping the Cuban people, and am happy to have the ability to do so. What sometimes jades me is how blatantly the people in the street size you up and try to separate tourists from their money. Last night as I was walking home a lady (in the loosest sense of the word) accosted me in a vain attempt to get me into bed (and for her to get into my wallet). This was not the first time that has happened to me, and I was not in the mood to even stop walking. As I kept telling her no, she asked why. I eventually told her that she was not my type. She asked what was my type, because she has a friend. I told her that I only like boys. This shocked and offended her… but after a snide comment it also got her to leave me alone. (For those who are wondering, it was as blatant a lie as I have ever told, as I clearly am quite straight!)

    This morning a guy saw me walking with a couple of bags that I was taking for my buddy. He said ‘Is that for me?’ I told him that it was not. He then started playing upset that I help others and not him, and that he says hello to me every time I pass by ‘his corner.’ I looked at him straight and told him that am happy to say hello to everyone, but with 400 people saying hello to me in Old Havana every day, I do not have the wherewithal nor the desire to help every single one. I say hello because it is the nice thing to do, but if he is doing it solely to get something from me then he should not say hello to me anymore. He got pissed off… but he pissed off.

    I may be exaggerating with the number 400, but not by much. There seems to be an entire brigade of people trying to get you a taxi, sell you cigars, give you a tour in a classic car (or walking), or sex with their sister mother daughter aunt or grandmother. Every single person wants to change your dollars, or wants you to help the me to buy medicines or bread for their children or grandmother. Everyone has a sob story, and every one of them is well trained in sizing up tourists and figuring out an angle. While I joke about it from time to time, it really does get boring in a hurry. When I give something to someone in the street I do not know where it will end up. When I give it to the Freemasons I know that it will be distributed to people who really need it, and not to people whose job it is to con tourists.

    That is not to say that I do not give money to some people in the street. Sunday evening I was sitting at a café when a man walked by wearing a kippa and wearing a Star of David. I stopped him and spoke with him, and gave him some money. Saturday evening I was waiting for a friend outside a restaurant when a man approached me on crutches; he had one leg, and his one foot was obviously in trouble. I gave him some money (and spent time talking with him), but what he wanted I could not give him. He wanted hard currency… dollars and Euros. He said he needs it to buy his medicine. Whether or not that is true, I did not have sufficient money in my pocket… and when he told me I should go back to my apartment to get it for him, I told him that I could not. I feel terrible for him and for all of the Cuban people, but there is only so much I can do. If I gave every person in the streets that needed money for (fill in the blank) only one dollar, I would not have money to eat… let alone take care of my friends who also have their sad stories.

    I feel terrible that I get jaded, but the incessant onslaught of people obviously trying to scam me gets old fast. I feel terrible that I cannot help everyone… but I do not have that kind of money. I try to find a balance between not making eye contact with all of them and not letting my heart harden to their plight. I am reminded of my visit to Mumbai, how sad it was seeing the dichotomy between the opulence of the palatial hotel I would spend my evenings in and the modern and secure office complex in which I spent my days, and the throngs of people living in lean-to hovels along the road who had nothing. It was hard to see that. It’s hard to see the plight of the Cuban people as well… but while none of them live well, I know that none of them are going to starve to death, and they all have somewhere to live. Knowing that the tourist areas are well-manned by these hawkers and such, I have to decide each time I come whether my love for the city is enough to keep me renting the cheap apartment off the beaten path, or if I am better off at a hotel. So far the apartment and the real Havana keeps winning out.

    My plane leaves in an hour, and I am going to make my way upstairs to my gate. I was disappointed to learn that I will need to collect my luggage in Houston, but that’s life in the fast lane. I only wish I did not have the overnight layover. I miss my dog and I miss my bed. The hotel bed tonight will be much more luxuriant than the one I have been sleeping in this trip, but Princess Sophie will not be in it. I look forward to seeing her tomorrow afternoon when I finally do get home.

    Have a great day folks!

  • The Sadness of Misplaced Optimism

    After realizing that I probably had pants that would fit in my locker, I walked down to the basement and went through the bin. I found several pair of Size-36 jeans and pants (most of which still have the tags on them) in the bin. You might have thought that my first reaction was ‘Cool! I have all of these clothes for my next big drop!’ While I eventually came to think that, my initial reaction was sadness. I thought back to where I was when I bought those pants and realized that I was doing so well, certain I was on track and was never going to stop losing weight. I was so certain, in fact, that I proactively bought hundreds of dollars worth of pants. I was at my lowest weight in at least 20 years and saw no reason why I would not keep losing weight, so I was ready for that next drop in pants size. And then it all went to hell. All of the work I did over the course of a year… every inch of progress that I made was lost. It did not disappear overnight, of course… it doesn’t work like that. It started with a cookie and a shot of tequila. After that, it was fried chicken… but only a piece or two. In the meantime, I stopped jogging because I started golfing, and exercise is exercise, right? What difference does it make if I am riding the cart instead of walking?

    It took me fifteen months to gain back what had taken me fourteen months to lose.

    I am not yet where I was on the day that I started my slide of regression in 2020. I have about 30 lbs. left until I am there. It is easy for me to say that ‘It won’t happen again.’ How often have I said, ‘This will be the last time I ever have to lose all of this weight!’? I have said it so many times… it is a mantra that I swear by, reminding myself how important it is for me to stay on track, and then to never lose focus? I am sure every alcoholic said the same thing, right up until that first drink. It is possible that this time will be different, but how can I be sure? Is there any way that I can guarantee it? It will require eternal vigilance and mindfulness… and it will require me to never fall off the wagon.

    I spoke with Leslie about this, and she told me that I have to focus on how well I have been doing. She is astounded by my progress and is truly proud of the progress I have made. She really has been a wonderful support since I started. When I went on this journey in 2017, I was alone and had nobody supporting me… but I also did not have anyone distracting me. In 2019-20, I started the program while in a relationship, and within a few weeks of starting I moved in with her. That was a disaster, but I eventually moved out and was able to be very successful on the program. This is the first time that I have had a supportive partner since the beginning, and hopefully that will never end. In the end, while that may be helpful, there is only one person responsible for my weight management… me.

    Leslie is right. I need to be proud of the progress I have made, encouraged that I am going to succeed in losing all of the weight I want to lose, and optimistic that I have to motivation and willpower to stay slim once I have lost it… long term. It is easy on the way down to think like that. When the numbers on the scale have been down fifteen of the last sixteen days, and I have not deviated from the program in that time, optimism is much easier than three days into a slide, when the program is too hard, or when I succumb to temptation… or even when I have gone a few days without seeing any downward movement on the scale.

    I have learned that in this life there will be positive days and there will be harder ones. I like to think that I am a positive person, but at the same time, it is easy to compare us to goldfish… when we are happy, it is like we have always been happy, but when we are down, well… you understand the analogy. Today I am thrilled by the progress that I have made, and I am energized to continue. I am not at all tempted to go out and eat. Okay, I wouldn’t mind cooking up something that I have in the house, but I am not doing that. I will be rewarded when I get to Dallas, and I can eat a little… under the watchful and supportive eye of my wife. How will I feel three months from now? Will I finally be able to remove the tags from the Size-36 pants? Will I be all excited and optimistic and buy the next size down, and will they sit for years in a bin because I failed again? I cannot think like that… but it is so hard not to.

    Like any addict, I can only live one day at a time, trying to stay on track for that day. Yes, I would like to lose X number of pounds between now and Y date… but beyond following the program, I cannot do much more. I have to stay optimistic, and I cannot let things trigger me and get me down… or worse, pull me off my positive track. I can be sad for a few minutes… I can even spend an hour talking about it and then writing a thousand words on it… and then I have to refocus and stay on track. As Leslie said, there is nothing that I can do that will change the past. I just have to learn from my mistakes and try to succeed for the present… and for the future.

  • Day 366–Year 2, Day 1

    Happy anniversary to me! It has been one year to the day since I woke up to my first meal replacement shake, and with a dedication and commitment to actively get slim. It would be my third such attempt in five years, so I do not know what my confidence level was that I would succeed in the long term, but when you walk into your first AA meeting they congratulate you, because that first step is hard. Then, as now, I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil that had nothing to do with my weight loss; the fact that I started and succeeded still astounds me.

    My morning started much earlier than normal, for no particular reason. I had set an alarm for 7:00am to make sure that I was all squared away in time for my 9:00am conference call, but an hour before that Her Floofness decided that lying next to me on the bed was over, and she crawled up onto my pillow to nestle herself into the back of my head and shoulder. Maybe lying on my head and shoulder would be more accurate. It felt warm and wonderful and cozy and loving… but it was also an impossible position in which to get back to sleep. I had slept seven hours (which is more than average for me), so I decided to start the morning early. It was 6:45am when she and I stepped out for our morning walk.

    As I was at my desk with my meal replacement and my first cup of coffee much earlier than usual, and because today is so special an occasion, I decided to go back to my previous two weight loss journals (neither of which is online, before you go looking for them), and read what I wrote for the beginning and first couple of days of the program. There were some amazing similarities, as well as some stark contrasts. Each time I was always out of breath, I found it difficult to stand up from a seated position, and it was hard to put on my socks. There were other issues that I discussed, most of which have to do with embarrassment –things that are embarrassing to admit, but also the general feeling of embarrassment at being so morbidly obese. Each time I express at some point on Day 1 that I am proud of myself that I had not yet broken my diet… maybe astounded is a better word. I did, however, read something that I shared with Julie on Day 1 that I wish I had remembered… and that I am going to remember every day going forward because it applies as much now as it did then. Look at the numbers on the bathroom scale and make yourself a promise that you will never be this heavy again. The day that I said (and wrote) that I weighed 395 pounds, and I vowed that day that I will never be that heavy again. This morning I weighed 293.2 pounds… and I am making myself that same promise: I will never be this heavy again. Of course, that might be an easier vow to keep in the long term, because as I have mentioned so many times before, the short-term is more difficult to predict day-over-day. It is possible that I will be completely faithful to the program, yet tomorrow morning I will weigh the same or even more than I do today. Week over week is more realistic; overall even more so. I vow that once I have lost a few more pounds, I will never weigh what I weighed this morning again.

    I know that both times I started the program I did extremely well in the short term. Reading Day 1 is encouraging, but I also need to remember that it was not all successes. I decided to read ahead to Day 365 in both journals… or as close to it as I could. The first time around, I was going through a lot of emotional trauma. I do not remember what that was, but thinking back, I was going through a divorce, and my finances were a disaster (partly due to the divorce). I was more than 47 lbs. up from my best weight. I was trying again… but the next year was a constant regression into morbid obesity.

    Day 365 of my second go-around (August 2020) was much more encouraging. The time and path it took me to get there was not a straight drop down like it was in 2017; I took my time, which is to say that I faltered several times over the course of the year, but by Day 365 I was doing great… I was down 116 lbs. from my peak the year before and would eventually lose another 17 lbs. before the slow (and then not so slow) slip and fall from grace would begin. I was happy, I had just started a great new job, and I was truly optimistic. Two days later I would lose that job, and while my diet would continue to succeed for another month and change, the series of events that would eventually lead to my gaining back all of that weight and having to relocate to Canada began.

    I look back at the past to remember where I was, what went right but also what went wrong, and what I need to do (and what I need to be mindful of) in order to succeed this time. I once asked the CEO of Microsoft about a trend that I saw which made me worry that they were making a lot of the same mistakes that IBM had in the 1970s and 1980s. His response to me was that he hoped that if they were going to make mistakes, they would be new ones. I am not sure how soon thereafter he stepped down, but many see Steve Ballmer’s tenure as CEO as one fraught with mistakes. I thought of this because I know the mistakes that I made previously that caused me to fail at long-term weight loss. It will be easy to avoid those. It is also important to remember that there are so many other mistakes that I can make, and that while the paths to success are few, there are a great many roads that lead to failure. I will have to remember every day for the rest of my life to be mindful so that I do not fall back into bad habits… or into new bad habits either.

    I went into a lot of detail yesterday about the differences between last January 20 and this one. I am keeping track of my weight loss daily and tracking my progress on the scale. I decided last night to spend a couple of minutes looking at the three measurements that a year ago I felt important enough to measure in addition to my weight. I pulled out my measuring tape and stripped down in the bathroom. Here are the results:

    January 20, 2022

    January 20, 2023

    Difference

    Weight

    395 lbs.

    293.2 lbs.

    101.8 lbs.

    Under belly fat

    53.5”

    46”

    7.5”

    Belly (Navel)

    63” (bigger than my 60” tape!)

    54.5

    8.5”

    Chest

    58.25”

    50”

    8.25”

    Yes, I am kvelling. I seem to be doing that a lot of late, and I hope that nobody feels that bragging about these feats is too obnoxious.

    I was on a cruise ship many years ago and there was a spa treatment offered that promised you to shed at least 2” from your body during the cruise. What they neglected to mention was that they were measuring twenty-five different locations on your body, and the combined loss on all those locations would be 2”. A year ago, and again last night, I measured only three locations on my body, and the combined loss on all those locations equals 24.25”. To put things in perspective, that is slightly more than two feet. Not only have I lost 25% of my body weight, but it can also be argued that I have also lost 33% of my height!

    It has been a year of amazing highs and terrible lows, both with regard to my weight loss journey and with the rest of my life. Once I have lost all the weight I need to lose (however much that will be), I hope the ups and downs of my weight will be much less drastic… like a normal person, I might gain a couple of pounds on vacation, and then go on a diet when I get home to burn them off. I also hope that my life, starting now, I will experience many more highs, with only the occasional muted low… just to remind me of how lucky I am to be where I am.

    Yesterday’s consumption was exactly where it was supposed to be. For nine days straight I have been able to stick to the program religiously. I hope that I will be able to stay true to it until I wake up Wednesday morning and fly to Dallas. Leslie and I were talking yesterday, and I told her that I was hoping to be closer to 285 lbs. than 290 lbs. by the time I arrived, which would mean as much as a twenty-pound loss since she left here in November. I am so excited about that! I want her to throw her arms around me… all the way around me! We will have to see how that goes, but one thing is for sure… I will be smaller than the last time she saw me… and 24.25” smaller than the first time she saw me! Unfortunately, the numbers on the bathroom scale are not cooperating with that plan; after no loss yesterday, this morning I was down .4 lb. which is good – down is always better than up! – but at the same time I realize that if I lose that same amount every day between now and Wednesday, I will only lose two more pounds by the time I fly on Wednesday. I would not even drop below 290 lbs. I know that she will not be disappointed, and really neither will I. It is just harsh to remember that when I started on the program both times the doctors told me to expect a 2-3 lbs. drop per week. It was nice to drop nearly ten pounds in my first week of the strict program, but it is not realistic to expect that pace to continue.

    The lesson in this is that setting unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment, but it is also important to be happy with all progress. I was so upset about the plateau that I was at for two months, and then thrilled when my weight dropped so quickly when I switched programs. I have told so many people over these last few months that they were looking at it wrong. You cannot look at it as ‘I only lost one pound this week.’ You have to look at it like, ‘I lost a hole pound this week!’ It is not the first time that I find myself giving people really good advice that I have trouble following myself. I have to work on that and remember that a 2-3 lbs. drop in a week is not only good progress, but it is also what the doctors told me that I should expect once that initial water-weight loss is behind me. If I can maintain that overall trend, then by September I will be at or beyond any goal that I have ever hoped for with my weight loss. I cannot be impatient. My body will lose the weight. I know that when I first started the extreme program, I lost a lot more weight that this in the first few months. Back then, I was at my heaviest weight, so it was coming off easier than it is now. Patience is key!

    My plans for today are to do some studying, and to stick to the program. I am going to spend a few hours this evening smoking cigars with friends, and I will take care to make sure I am not tempted by any food or drinks… and I will remember that ever-important lesson that a small handful of snacks – even healthy snacks – are not allowed on my program. I will be true to the program a full fortnight by the time I get onto the airplane to see Leslie.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 347–January 1, 2023

    Happy New Years to one and all! It is usually at the end of the year, rather than at the beginning, when we reflect on the past year. After sitting and chatting with Eduardo last night, I have been thinking back on it. 2023 was a great year and a troubling one. I married Leslie, I lost over ninety pounds. During my weight loss journey (which is ongoing, and at the current pace will take another year) I wrote in this journal every single day (although I missed a day on the blog because I forgot to press Publish). I have had some professional ups and downs, but I am still standing. Fortunately, my career as an IT Trainer is still going strong… despite some bad bumps on the road.

    All has not been sunshine and roses though. I experienced a lot of downs. Knowing now what I do, many of them were caused by outside interference, and many more by my only recently diagnosed ADHD. These were all very difficult, but I am hoping that with therapy (which resumes next week) and medications (which started last week, but which I hope to be able to increase my dosage of this week) I will be able to navigate my future in a much more positive way.

    Yesterday I spent a few hours with Lyle and Dorothy. As promised, they served a homemade chicken noodle soup for lunch which was quite tasty. We exchanged holiday gifts, which was quite sweet. They really are very thoughtful people. I am sitting at my desk with my new Montreal Canadiens mug, which was only one of the eight Chanukah presents they bought me! We sat outside and talked for a couple of hours before I went home to take care of a few things that needed to be done. I arrived home and realized that Princess Sophie had been dognapped! No, not really… her friend Charlie asked his Mommy to pick her up, and they spent the afternoon together. By the time she came home, she was wiped out!

    I enjoyed the soup, but it was not as satisfying a meal as I hoped for. By 4:00pm I was hungry, and I made my usual chicken and salad. I made an Israeli salad with tomato and onions. It was quite tasty! I am not sure why I held the lettuce; it probably has something to do with a photo I saw on my Facebook Memories. Either way, I will likely be back to my regular scheduled salad with my lunch today.

    I did some work on the computer that I have been meaning to do, and then at 6:30pm I was ready to head out to see Eduardo. Her Floofness wanted to go out first, so we went for a quick walk (which included taking care of all of her business). I was not going to deprive her, especially since it was raining in the morning, and she held it in much of the day without an accident. I spent a few hours with Eduardo, and then was home (as predicted) shortly before 10:00pm… in time to take the Princess out for one more walk. I then spent a couple of hours on the computer until a minute before midnight, when I texted Leslie that I loved her, and then shut down my systems.

    While I did have the soup and then a full meal, as well as some nuts at Eduardo’s, I do not think I went overboard. I think that for my first ‘back on track’ day, I did pretty well. My goal is to keep doing better, and that this year – 2023 – will be the last year that I will ever have to do a crazy intense diet. I know I will have to work on getting slim this year, and then work on staying slim every day for the rest of my life. I do not have the genes that some people have that lets them eat without gaining weight, so if I want to be thin and in good shape, it will have to be a constant in my life. I am not saying that I will never be able to have a cheat meal… only that I will not be able to fall back into the bad habits which plagued me for the past twenty-seven years. Also, I will have to work hard to stay in shape, which means not only from a dietary standpoint, but also from a physical activity one. I do not know if that will forever mean going to the gym, or fitness walking, or Taekwondo, or a combination of these and other activities. I just know that my obesity is only partly caused by my love for fattening foods, and it could have been held in check had I always remained active.

    I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, but for today my bathroom scale is reading all over the place. The numbers ranged from two pounds up from yesterday to two pounds down. I was able to get two consistent readings at that lower number, so I accepted it. I am, once again, half a pound from my best-weight-yet territory. Considering I did not really veer from the program yesterday, I think it is best to start the new year on a positive note. Again, I will be weighed on the doctor’s scale on Wednesday, and that will be my next official weight. For now, I can be as angry as I want with my bathroom scale… or rather, with the floor of my apartment which is absolutely terrible.

    Assuming that the bathroom scale is reasonably accurate this morning, it means I have two major milestones coming. First, I am only 3.5 lbs. from breaking under the 300-pound mark; after that, I have only another five pounds to go before I can honestly say that I have lost one hundred pounds. I confess that if it were not for life getting in my way (and myself getting in my own way) I had expected to hit both of those milestones in early December. Okay, I dealt with all of the crap I had going on, and now it is time to buckle down and lose more weight. If I am truly a creature of habit, then I can look at the past year and realize that after four months of weight loss I had lost forty-five pounds, and then plateaued for about two months. I then lost another forty-five pounds and plateaued again for a little under two months. If that is to be a pattern, then I do not mind getting down another 45-pounds between now and late April. Unfortunately, it is not so easy for me to sit on the plateau and know I will indeed follow the pattern. I also have to be careful to not aim for it, because while it would be nice to be down to that weight, I am trying to get into a healthy lifestyle, and by forgetting the pattern I could skip the next plateau altogether. We’ll see. In the meantime, I just want to press that elevator button to start going down.

    I had a very frank discussion with Lyle and Dorothy about weight loss, and especially how important it is for him and me to continue on our parallel missions to get healthy and lose weight. I told him that until his recent stroke, he and I had a very dangerous problem: we were extremely obese, but otherwise we were perfectly healthy. Of course, that is not entirely true, as is demonstrated by my gout and his stroke, but on the surface, it seemed that way. We discussed the importance of regular medical visits and checkups, including heart rate monitoring but also bloodwork and more. I am glad that I have been checking in with my doctor every month (and occasionally more frequently than that), and for my American readers who may believe the Republican propaganda bemoaning the condition of the Canadian healthcare system, I can vouch that it is both extremely efficient, and completely free.

    I suspect that stores are closed today, but that matters little as I have everything I need in the house. I took Princess Sophie out this morning, and of course I will do so again later in the afternoon. Between now and then I will likely have a lazy holiday Sunday. The only actual chore I have to do is to shine my boots, which needs to be done quite regularly during the snowy months. Aside from that, I will relax, watch some TV, maybe read a little bit, and possibly study some Torah. We’ll see what the day brings. I am sure that at some point there will be a cigar or two in the mix.

    Have a great day folks, and happy new year!

  • Day 340

    It’s Christmas Day, and Princess Sophie and I will be relaxing at home for most of it. Yes, she woke me up in the middle of the night to go out again, because she absolutely hates the weather, so she holds her business until she realizes that she can’t anymore. I appreciate the consideration; I just wish she had it at 9:30pm and not 2:15am. I love my doggie, so despite my issues falling asleep the last little while, I got bundled up and took her out. Fortunately, she was not dawdling… she did her business, and then made a beeline for the front door of the building.

    Despite my best planning, I had to go out yesterday afternoon… to the store… in violation of every rule that I have ever set for myself. I was not careful, and I spilled the last of the milk, meaning I could either venture out and brave the cold, the wind, and the holiday hordes, or I could drink my coffee this morning black. I do so when I have to, but I really do prefer a little bit of cow-juice in my coffee, and my morning coffee is one of my constant pleasures in life, through good times and bad.

    While I was at the store, I decided to splurge. Yes, my diet has gone to crap through these last few days and weeks, but I am still essentially treading water. I decided to buy myself fancy buns and meatless hamburgers, and I made them for dinner… even though I had already eaten my daily meal. The bigger mistake that I made for my meal plan was having that in the evening, after having my chicken earlier in the day. I should not be eating carbs and starches at night; if I am going to eat them, I should be doing so earlier in the day. I bought two of the buns, but only ate one of them last night. I will correct this mistake today and will have (meatless) hamburgers for lunch. Of course, since they are vegetarian burgers, I might even add some cheese to them today. Happy Holidays!

    I was hoping that the winds would die down so that I could enjoy a cigar on the balcony today, but that is not in the cards. Depending on whether I listen to the CBC (who predicted a forecast high of -2°, or the weather app on my phone (which has it at -5°), the winds are not dying down today. They should abate in the middle of the night, and tomorrow should be better. HRF and I are driving to Strathroy tomorrow to visit with my godchildren tomorrow, so it is unlikely that I will be smoking – unless I decide to enjoy a cigar in the car. Tuesday, however, shows a forecast of partly cloudy with a high of -3°, which would make for a perfect day to spend a couple of hours on the balcony… as long as I bundle up and light up the heater. We will see.

    It is incredible what a difference a year makes. I remember spending last Christmas with my wife (then girlfriend) and it was wonderful… but I was at or near my absolute heaviest weight; despite my joy at spending the week with Leslie, I hated myself. I did not have to look into the mirror to feel it, I remember the difficulties I had tying my shoes, I remember hating that even my XXXL shirts did not fit properly, and I hated that I needed to buy a 4XL ski jacket, because the jacket that I had worn for fifteen years wasn’t just tight, I actually could not close it up. Walking Princess Sophie was a chore, and we would hardly walk to the corner before turning around and heading back. I remember the difficulty in just bending down to pick up after her, and how embarrassed I was that I had to struggle to do so. Today I am married to a woman who loves me. I am ninety pounds lighter than I was; in warm weather, I can walk ten miles, and at a very good pace. I am wearing Size 40-42 pants, and shirts that are either XXL and loose on me, or XL and fitting properly. I can bend down to tie my shoes, or I can do what was not so long ago unthinkable and cross my leg (without bending down to pull it over) to tie them. I still look in the mirror and see that I am extremely overweight… but despite plateaus, I am still trending down toward where I want to be. I may not truly love myself yet… but I see great potential, especially with the recent realizations of what many of my real problems are and beginning on the road to fixing them.

    Why do I plateau? The physiological answer is simple… I stop following my meal program religiously, and I cheat. The psychological answer is not so simple, nor is it as simple as saying ‘here’s something we can point to that is the reason for cheating.’ In 2017 I lost nearly a hundred pounds, and I did so in a twelve-week period. It was intense, it was regimented, it was absolutely unforgiving. When the program was over, it did not take very long for my weight to creep back up, until I was back to where I started… and worse. 2019-20 was not so different. I think those two times I was so unforgiving of myself that when my life got more difficult, I forgot the lessons I learned – just like after my military service, I let all the regimented strict behaviour go. I hope that this time around, taking longer but being more forgiving of myself will allow me to not revert back to old behaviours once the program is over. I have to remember that cheat meals might be an occasional indulgence, but not a daily one. I have to remember that portion size matters, and that if I go overboard on a given day, the following day cannot be a continuation of that… despite the fact that I will feel hungrier and tempted to indulge. I have to stay focused… forever. So yes, I have these plateaus, and I sometimes beat myself up over them. I have to find a way to make sure that they stay in check, even though they are going to happen.

    This current plateau (which has now lasted a month) has to end, not with my going back up, but by getting back on track. I know that tomorrow I will be indulging at Cam and Amanda’s house for Boxing Day, and I know that New Years Eve I will be indulging at Lyle and Dorothy’s… although that one will be less of an indulgence, knowing that while they are gourmet chefs, they have been trying to lose weight (even before Lyle’s stroke). Aside from that? I will be back in the gym this week, and I will be back on my program. Today I am making the correction to eat my hamburger (with the seeded ciabatta bun) at lunch and will have chicken as an early dinner. I will not be buying any more breads, with the exception of challah rolls for the Sabbath. I will not be buying any more popcorn or pop chips – While a serving portion may not be bad for my program, I do not yet have the willpower to limit myself to a serving portion. I have said it a few times this week… Focus.

    In addition to focus, which has been a theme these last few days, I have to include awareness. I have to be aware of everything that I eat, and everything that I buy at the store. As an example: a couple of days ago, I decided to buy a box of Corn Flakes so that I could make a different chicken recipe for myself. The fact that the box of cereal was here means that Mr. No-Willpower had the means and opportunity to have two bowls of it a couple of nights ago. Does that mean I cannot make my different chicken recipe because I cannot withstand even the slightest temptation? No… but rather than buying the cereal, I will look for breadcrumbs that have similar nutritional value, but no temptation to eat.

    I am over eleven months into this program, and I still do not feel that I have built the willpower to withstand temptation. That does not mean that I have not changed (or at least started to change) the unhealthy relationship I have with food. Not only am I more aware of my dietary requirements for my religious progression, I have also noticed that some foods are just less appetizing to me when I see them in advertisements. That is not to say that I did not steal one chicken wing from my son the other night when we were out for dinner… but the fact that I only stole the one chicken wing shows real progress. As for the salad that I ordered, which was delivered in an edible bowl: I took a very small taste of it, and then crushed it down and doused it with water so that I would not be tempted to eat it. The speaks to my awareness that is better than it was; I knew that eating the bowl was a bad idea, so I took action to eliminate its allure.

    Today is Day five of my medication journey, and I am seeing some real improvement. As I mentioned yesterday, I do not know if that is because I am looking for it, and so I am behaving the way I want to be… or if I am really seeing a difference from the medications. It might be a little of both, but in the meantime, this journal entry (which is now close to 1,700 words) was done with only minor interruptions… I got up to pour another cup of coffee, and while I did, I realized that the tower of wrapped presents that was perched on the side of my desk might fall if I did not move them, and so I did. Other than that, I have been writing from the time I sat down. Is that medicated focus, or is that my wanting to be focused? I don’t know… maybe it is a little of both.

    Have a great day folks!