Losing a part of me

Category: Sadness

  • Day 1194

    Today is election day in Canada, and I plan to go vote right after my daytime class, hoping that I will get through it and home in time for my nighttime class. It is going to be tight if the lines are long, but I have to make my voice heard.

    Other than that, I still hate myself, have no hope, and wish that it was all over… but I cannot do that because I have people who depend on me… and I do not want to go deeper into that.

    I did not see any friends this weekend despite numerous plans. I did a lot of work, and I did some terrible things. I have to get off this terrible downward trend. I have to find a way to get a hold of myself and stop falling. I just see no way out… and no hope.

  • Day 1191

    I am feeling no more cheerier or positive today than I have been; this despite a lot of positive things going on in my life. It is the negative stuff that are so much stronger and harder to cope with. I am going to have to find a way.

    My weight seems to be normalizing, which is to say that after a week of Passover I am back to where I was before the holiday. Really the only bad thing I ate over the holidays was a lot of chicken soup with matzah balls, but the salt content of that is tremendous, and I spent a week and a half flushing it out.

    Now if only I could flush the sadness.

  • Day 1183

    I did a good deed today. I felt like I needed to because maybe that would pull me out of my sorrow and stupor. I am very happy that I did it… but I am still hip-deep in sorrow. At least the wind has finally abated.

    One of my Lodge brothers texted me out of the blue yesterday and asked if I was free for breakfast Friday (tomorrow). I told him I was, but because of Passover I cannot go to any restaurant. He and another are going to come here, and I will make them a traditional Passover breakfast… one that I made last year for Leslie (much to her delight). I hope it works out. I truly do not feel like seeing people right now, but I know I cannot allow myself to settle into an abyss because it will just keep getting worse.

  • Day 1179

    Last night’s Passover Seder was a delight. I was invited by a group of friends who were all kicked out of a community group because they are Zionists. Not all of them were Jewish, but they were all my people. It was a delight. The company was wonderful, the food was delicious; Passover is truly my favourite of the Jewish holidays.

    I was worried about my weight following last night’s meal, but I actually dropped back down to what I weighed before I went to Toronto. Phew.

    While I slept marvelously Friday night, last night was not as good. It was not horrible, but it could have been better.

    As I write this, I am also making chicken soup. Once I press save I will add the matzah balls into the mix. I cheated a bit this year – I asked my buddy Lyle, a gourmet chef, to prepare the chicken stock. Actually, last weekend I asked him for advice, and he told me that he was already making it this week, and did not mind making extra for me. Now I have it on the stove with carrots, onions, and dill. I am cooking chicken in the air fryer, and in a few minutes that will go into the pot as well. It will be a good few days of soup. Hopefully it will help to get me out of my funk. As the old saying goes… if it doesn’t help, at least it doesn’t hurt. I miss my wife.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1178

    I am going to a Passover Seder this evening. I wish I was feeling more in the holiday spirit but the truth is that my heart is in agony and my spirits are so low that I do not feel like celebrating. Last night at my Lodge gala I plastered a smile on my face and it was all I could do to not cry.

    I am back from my three-day stay in Toronto and while I was thrilled to be back in front of a live class, that was only for eight hours per day. The rest of the time I was trying to keep myself out of a deep and dark abyss. The fact that I did not gain more weight – the fact that I did not balloon to my highest weight in two years – was a minor if hollow victory for me.

    I hope that as the weather improves, so too will my spirits. Sometimes it is hard to see that things will improve. That’s where I am.

  • Day 972

    I was very down yesterday. I tried to nap unsuccessfully. I did not try to walk. I will try today. In the meantime, I also hope to get back on track with my weight loss, as I am up three pounds since the weekend. I have not moved my bowels in days and suspect a lot of the weight is backed up in there. My sleep score was a 75, and my body battery did briefly peak above 51 this morning… but that’s terrible. Hopefully I will get out for a walk today and will sleep better this evening.

    Speaking of this evening: Leslie’s son returns home to her tomorrow, so this evening will be our last cigar date for a while. At least I have that to look forward to.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 970

    I ate more than I should have yesterday, but again that was not unexpected. As is often the case, no single transgression is egregious, but combined they account for a very slight weight increase this morning. I made French toast for Leslie and myself for breakfast, and then on our way to the airport we stopped to pick up sandwiches from Subway. When I got home from dropping her off (usually the saddest part of our visits) I made chicken and salad for dinner… I simply ended up making more than I should have, and eating more than I should have eaten. Combine that with the fact that I am not moving my bowels regularly these last couple of weeks and yes… my weight was up a whopping (sic!) 0.2 lb. from yesterday morning.

    I was exhausted last night, so once Leslie had confirmed that she was home safe I planned to hop into bed to get a good night sleep. That was not to happen. Well, yes… was in bed by 10:15pm, that part worked. The sleep part? Not quite.

    The following might sound implausible to those of you who are not fur parents. Not that some nights Princess Sophie likes to sleep in my bed… that is not uncommon with pets. When Leslie is here though, we do not let her sleep with us. While the bed might be big enough, we both tend to move in our sleep to get comfortable, and it was decided long ago that we would not let her sleep with us. Well! Saturday evening, she (Sophie) decided that she wanted to sleep in the bed, and we were firm in our refusals. To get her to cooperate (reluctantly), I had to promise her that she would be allowed to sleep in the big bed two nights in a row if she agreed to sleep outside the room. I was surprised that when I was ready to go into the bedroom, she was comfortably laid out in her bed, so I did not disturb her. I got into bed and was slowly dozing off when I heard the pitter patter of little paws walking my way. Knowing I had promised her, I picked her up and brought her into the bed. She then spent the next hour licking my face. I do not know whether that was because she missed sleeping with me, or to thank me for keeping my promise, I do not know. I do know that I after my hour-long face-cleaning, I could not fall asleep until 2am. Sleep score: 69, and my Body Battery was only 47 when I got up. I will try to sleep well this evening so that tomorrow I’m in better condition. That is not to say that I will not try to go out for a walk, but it might be a shorter one. I have a bit of work to do today so it’s going to be later in the day – possibly even in the evening.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 924

    Welcome to August. My weight was back up this morning, and I am again not happy. With that said, I have made a decision, and I have asked Leslie to hold me to it. I am dropping one meal, and will be eating breakfast and lunch, and then I will have a meal replacement shake. That’s it. I am glad that Leslie confronted me today. I need the support. She pointed out that I am just one bad day away from hitting that dreaded 300 lbs. mark, and I have to get myself back in check.

    I ate my two meals today, and in a few minutes I will have my shake. As I have been telling myself for years: GET WITH IT, TAZ.

  • Day 922

    I am spiraling out of control with my weight and I have to put a stop to it. I am higher today than I have been… and forget about the dreaded 290 lbs., I am over 295. This must stop!

  • Day 920

    I got my days skewed again, mostly because I have not been doing well on progress… or with my mental health. I did actually lose weight this morning, but I have to keep on that trend before I get excited. The fact that I weighed in yesterday at my highest in months did not bode well for me. I hope I’m doing better today.