Losing a part of me

Category: Slipping

  • Day 648

    I was relieved (and quite surprised) to step onto the bathroom scale this morning and be up one pound. Of course, I always want my weight to be down, but after our long weekend in Houston – during which I essentially took four days off of my diet – I expected the jump would be closer to five pounds. No, I was only 1 lb. up from Wednesday. I call that a win.

    I am going to try to be back on track today. It is my only long day of work – that is to say I am teaching from 8:00am to 8:00pm – of the week, and of this trip. I would be relieved that from tomorrow on I will be able to just relax, but a friend of mine asked me to go look at his mother-in-law’s computer while I am in Dallas… while neglecting to mention (until I happily agreed) that she actually lives in Fort Worth. Okay, I have one more long day of work! I’ll survive. Wednesday through Sunday I will be able to spend time during the day relaxing, catching up, and doing whatever it is that I want to do – including smoking a cigar or two – while only teaching for a few hours in the evening Wednesday and Friday. My wife and I will be able to spend time between her meetings. Ahh, the simple pleasures of life!

    If I am to get back on track, I am going to try to eat well. I will likely prepare a chicken breast for lunch, and I might just skip dinner, opting for a light snack instead. We will see how the day goes. What is certain is that I will not be letting myself go as far off the program as I did these last four days. While I am relieved that I did not gain more weight than I did, I also know that if I continue this way then I will continue to lose ground… slowly, but that’s how it always starts. I am getting back on track! I may only have gained a pound in Houston, but I have to remember that I am up nearly six pounds these last ten days and am a full 6.8 lbs. up from my best weight ever… less than two weeks ago. It is time to stop the slide and to get back on track. Hopefully that starts today. I hope that by the time I fly back to Canada on Sunday I am less than five pounds from my best weight ever.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 87

    I almost asked for a recount. I got onto the scale this morning and was a full two pounds over what I weighed yesterday morning. I am back above 350 lbs, and I am not happy about it. I will focus today to get back to where I was… focused.

    This morning’s weight gain was not a surprise. I went to see Lyle and Dorothy yesterday, and as I headed for home, I stopped to pick up a small container of milk. I was hungry, which is never the right time to walk into a convenience store. In fact, when you are dieting there is never a good time to walk into a store whose entire business model is to sell you fattening and unhealthy foods that are overpriced. I picked up an all-beef pepperoni, and a bag of peanuts (in addition to the 2% milk). By the time I got home half an hour later, all that was left was the milk, and the empty wrappers.

    I was not feeling particularly weak when I walked into the store. I was not sad or despondent. I was simply tempted by the myriad food choices that were all calling out to me.

    It was far too windy for a cigar yesterday evening, but I did have my holiday dinner. A piece of fish, a piece of chicken, a bowl of chicken soup. I should have cut one of those three out… but it was the holiday, and I defrosted what I defrosted, and that’s life.

    I am relieved that last night I finished the last of the expired meal-replacement shakes. Some of them tasted better than others, but they were the old formula, and the new ones taste so much better. I am enjoying my first new one in several weeks. Aside from better flavour, they are also creamier and smoother. I am definitely glad that the old ones are done, and if another lot of them comes up for sale I will be passing on them.

    Today I am going to do my best to get back on track. In a little while, HRF Princess Sophie and I will head out to see my friends Jacqueline and Matt, and their puppy Charley. We will not be out too late – I plan to hit the road to come home around 4:00pm. I do have to do some shopping today, but I will likely drop Sophie at home first, and then head out anew. While she does not really mind it, I do not like leaving her alone in the car while I go into the store. I need to pick up chicken and fish, some veggies, and of course my distilled water. I cannot think of anything else that I will need.

    Leslie’s plane is landing at Pearson International Airport in twenty-three days and twelve hours… if anyone is wondering how badly I miss her. We speak for hours every day, but it is not the same. Yes, it is true… the fact that she will be here in just over twenty-three days means that in just over twenty-four days we will be in Cuba, and I am excited about that… but I am much more excited to see my girl.

    It is a beautiful day outside today. Last night’s rain seems to have washed away the dirt, and there is nowhere near the kind of gusting winds we had yesterday. I strongly suspect that there might be a cigar in my future.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Losing and Gaining and Losing Again

    I wrote earlier about the times I have lost weight, and then gained it back. After I finished that piece, I decided to go back to look and see just how long it takes to fall from grace.

    The first time I lost the weight, I was following a medically supervised intensive program. I lost one hundred pounds in just over twelve weeks. It was great! I was feeling wonderful, I was looking better than I had in years. The Province of Ontario’s medical insurance (Ontario Health Insurance Program, or OHIP) allows you to do the program only once, and only for twelve weeks. After that, they essentially kick you to the kerb. I struggled to stay on track; I even tried to get back on the program. Unfortunately, the discipline required to restart once you have stopped was, at the time, beyond me. In July 2017 I weighed my best, around 265 lbs. By New Years or so I was back up around the 300 lbs mark. A year and a half later, in July 2019, I weighed around 370 lbs.

    My next honest try was in California. It was still supervised by a doctor, but this time I was paying for it out of pocket. I did not stay true to the program for one extended period of time, but over the next fourteen months I dropped down to my absolute best weight, 260.8 lbs on September 28, 2020. It was two months later that I last popped back over the 290 lbs mark, and on December 22 of that year I was back over three hundred pounds. I got back down to just under 285 lbs toward the end of January 2021, but on February 18 I was back above 300 lbs, where I have been ever since. By March 18 I was at 320 lbs, and around the day my father died (April 19) I was over 330 lbs. On the morning I flew back to Canada (July 16, 2021) I weighed in at 348.2 lbs. Over the next six months, during which I did not really weigh myself, I gained another forty-five pounds.

    I was not able to accurately weigh myself then, but on January 20, 2022, I was at my heaviest weight ever, somewhere around 392 lbs.

    Let’s recap: In August 2017 I weighed 262, and twenty-three months later I weighed 370. In September 2020 I weighed 260.8, and seventeen months later I weighed 390.

    If ever there was proof that I cannot let my guard down ever, and that this struggle with my weight is one that I will need to actively fight until the day that I die, it is those numbers right there. It took me less than two years to gain 108 lbs. It took me less than a year and a half to gain nearly 130 lbs.

    All it takes is my letting my guard down, thinking that I can eat the way I used to eat… or more accurately, not thinking about how or what I eat.

    I have lost about forty-five pounds in the last eighty-four days; at this rate, I will be down to my ideal weight in just under a year. It has taken a lot of hard work, willpower, and sacrifice to get this far, and I know it will take even more to get to where I want to be. I cannot throw all of that away again. I’ve already done it twice; this time – the third time has to be the charm. If not, I am eventually going to eat myself into an early grave – in a coffin that will break the backs of six pallbearers.

    The third time is the charm; with dedication and perseverance – and the love of a wonderful woman – I will get to where I want to be, and I will stay there.

  • Day 47

    I did not have a good day yesterday either, but I vowed that today would be better. So far, it has been. I know that there was a terrible hit to my mood over the weekend, and I am hoping that it is over. I really want to be back on track, and to be a happy person in general.

    Leslie got her confirmed start date at her new job! I am thrilled about this. She was worried that two discrepancies on her background check might be an issue. I assured her that the two issues were not going to be factors, and the confirmation came today. Unfortunately, the new start date interferes with her next trip here, and the countdown jumps from 14 days to 30 days. We are both up disappointed by that, but the job is a good opportunity, and I do not want her to do anything to jeopardize it.

    It is nearly 1pm, and I have had only my coffee and my morning shake. When I finish writing I will make a salad for lunch, and I should be good for the day – chicken is defrosting for dinner, and I went shopping for more vegetables. No more cheating, as I did so badly over the weekend.

    Yes, I know the weekend was horrible. I promised Leslie yesterday afternoon – and I promised myself – that I would be back on track today. Yes, I slipped. Now it is time to get back to business.

    Have a great day!