Losing a part of me

Category: War

  • Day 997

    I am still not sleeping nearly as well as I would like, but sometimes I wonder how accurate the scores on my fitness watch are. I trust it completely for my walking and heart rate, but whether my sleep score is correct? I’m not sure. Yes, I think I could have slept a little better last night, but a sleep score of 69? Hmph. I did have trouble falling asleep last night… I was in bed by 9:00pm, but could not fall asleep until I decided, at midnight, to get up and take a shower. I know I saw 12:30am on my clock, but I do not think I saw 1:00am. According to my fitness watch app: ‘You slept long enough, but not well enough to bring your stress levels down overnight. You might feel higher stress or fatigue today.’ I do not know that I feel stress or fatigue, but I will try to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

    After a disastrous week of gaining weight (about 8 lbs.) I am glad that my weight dropped significantly once again this morning. I am down over 5.5 lbs. in two days… after gaining nearly 7 lbs. in under a week. I should attribute the last two days of my weight dropping to Yom Kippur; let’s see how it looks tomorrow.

    Speaking of tomorrow, it is Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. To honour that, when I went shopping yesterday, I bought a smoked turkey leg. This is always a dangerous buy because of the extremely high sodium content in smoked turkey, but I decided to take the chance. Hopefully it will not hurt me too badly, and if it does then it will be from water retention and should be gone within a couple of days.

    No, I do not have any Thanksgiving plans this year. My friends who traditionally invite me every year decided to spend the weekend camping, and most of my other friends are either away, or else serving ham. I am neither upset nor lonely for this… growing up in my family, Thanksgiving was never a big deal for my family so while I am always happy to spend it with friends, tomorrow will really just be another day for me. I think back to where I was a year ago – Thanksgiving fell on October 9th, which means that it was just two days after the October 7 attacks in Israel. I put on the happy face to spend that Sunday with my godson and goddaughter (and their parents and grandparents), but there was nothing happy in my world. I was waiting in earnest for a call that would never come recalling me to active duty. It is had to believe it has been a year already, and what a horrible year it has been on so many fronts. My weight is 60 lbs. heavier than it was a year ago; the roller coaster of my personal relationships (owing chiefly to the massacre) felt like a free-fall abyss for much too long, and while I am relieved that they survived… the last year has been fraught with far too much pain. I have wept for every one of our hostages in Gaza as well as for those Israeli soldiers who have fallen in the war. I have spent the year in a red-hot rage over the worldwide hatred and vitriol spread against my people, proving once again that the only socially acceptable form of racism is against Jews. With every false accusation spread and every protester shouting for Israel to accept an unconditional cease fire (at best) to the death and destruction of our nation and all Jews (at worst) I want to scream and lash out… but I cannot because if I do the useful idiots (Hamas’ term, not mine) will accuse me of aggression and violence. How is it that people who have never set foot in my country can hate us so much? How is it that they do not understand that they would be welcomed in Israel, but they would be executed in the streets of Gaza just for being who they are… and yet they call us genocidal oppressors.

    The weather has turned. These last couple of days I have been wearing my jacket out, whether to take Her Floofness for her walks or to sit on the balcony with my cigar. Autumn has arrived in Canada and while Leslie is jealous, she is so from the heat of Texas; I know that Canadian autumn leads all too quickly to Canadian winters! With that said, I am flying down to see her a week from today, and I will spend two weeks in her warmth of her embrace, and in the warmth of the Texas October. If you cannot tell from the previous paragraph, I think I need Leslie’s warm embrace now more than ever. Going through this alone very often leads me to despair… and I cannot let it influence my eating this week.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 757

    I clocked 19,300 steps yesterday (not including the 1700 steps I walked after midnight but before bed), bringing my total since I got to Cuba to just over 99,000 steps in five days. By any measure that is a big success. I am glad that the pains in my feet are still less and less every day. I did not take any painkillers before bed or when I woke up. I am relieved that I am able to get through it without needing to take a day off of my intense walking.

    I met a friend who is a local yesterday, and he took me to a locals bar where they made me the largest (and strongest) mojito I have ever seen in my life. It had a shot of six different rums in it. Wow! We were having a great time dancing in the street outside the bar and just enjoying life… in a very non-touristy area of town. It was a lot of fun, but I had to be careful because I know how drunk I was. When he and I finally parted company I went to my buddy’s restaurant and ordered a plate of pasta to make sure I had something in my stomach that would help with the potential issues one might have when they drink that much.

    After dinner I went to my other buddy’s restaurant for a coffee, and I met some other friends and hung out for a few hours. I then went to see another friend who works in a hotel in the old city, and we had a great conversation until 3:00am. Needless to say I did not get a lot of sleep last night. Somewhere in there I was challenged to a fight by a drunk American arse who asked me why Jews are the new Nazis. If I didn’t love my friend who works there, after he decided to not come outside to ‘talk’ I would have made sure he stepped out. The encounter sobered me up in a hurry to be sure. His friends were disgusted by him – not only because of his behaviour, but one of them was Jewish. Some people just don’t get it. His friend told me that he would be ashamed of himself when he sobered up. I assured her that he might feel stupid for saying it to someone like me, but that I guaranteed that his opinion of Jews would not have changed one bit. Some people are just terrible people.

    I have not weighed myself this week, but I would not be surprised if when I step onto the bathroom scale next week, I will have lost a couple of pounds. It is hard to walk as much as I have been walking and not lose weight. I have also not been eating badly at all. Here’s hoping, right?

    Once again, I have written my article, but the Internet is down. It is now 12:15pm Friday, but I do not know when I will be publishing. My fitness watch has by steps at nearly 3,900 so far. That will be over ten thousand before the day is done, and I would not be surprised if I achieve 15,000 again. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 632

    It was a week ago this morning that I woke up to a series of messages telling me that Israel was under attack. It took me about three hours to get off my duff and realize that I had to do something about it… I mean, aside from praying. For the last week I have been completely unsuccessful at what I have been trying to do, but I am not going to stop trying.

    This morning’s .4 lb. drop was a welcome sight. I am going to try to keep going today with no changes to the food plan. I am now only .2 lb. from my best weight ever, and I plan to be there within a day or two.

    I was both hungry and craving yesterday. I decided that if I was going to go to the supermarket to pick up some peanuts then I was going to walk there so that I could at least balance the cheat with exercise. It is a 5km round trip which I did pretty well, averaging 9m03s per kilometre. It was my first power walk in eight days, and nowhere near as long as most of my outings. With that said, it was also the first time I needed to wear long pants and long sleeves for my outing. It was a good reminder that the summer is behind us. My shorts and t-shirts can go away for the season… or at least they can come with me to Dallas for the winter.

    Of course that is not entirely true. I going to start going back to the gym shortly so that I will be able to keep up my progress. I thought about going yesterday and donning my IDF shirt, but my day was busier than I had anticipated and so that did not happen.

    As I walked back from the supermarket yesterday, I passed a group of girls who were probably in their mid- to late-teens. One of them waved and gave me a big thumbs up and I couldn’t figure out what for until I realized I was wearing an IDF t-shirt. It is nice to know that people around here are supporting us. After my walk with Her Floofness yesterday morning I hung the Israeli flag (which I had previously draped over my shoulders) from the balcony. As I sat outside smoking yesterday a couple of people looked up and smiled. So far it has not been vandalized, which is a good sign.

    My plan for today is to stay home for most of it. I have some work to do but not much, and I have chicken and salad to prepare for a late lunch. Yesterday’s peanuts took the place of a meal replacement, and while there are a few peanuts left over, I might leave them where they are and have my first meal replacement in a couple of days in the early evening. There is rain in the forecast until at least 5:00pm, so if I do plan to exercise then it will likely be at the gym. We will see. Maybe I will bundle up and walk outside after the rain stops. I am hoping to continue my weight loss these next few days… there is a decade milestone that is less than a pound away, not to mention that it is nearly two weeks since I crossed off the last number on my refrigerator chart, and it would be nice to be able to do so tomorrow or Monday.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 630

    The number of calls and texts I am getting from my amazing friends checking up on how I am doing through this war supporting me and telling me that they have me and my family and my country in their prayers continues to bring tears to my eyes. I just wish I could get over there to join the fight… even in a support role.

    My son the elder came over for a drink after my class yesterday evening. He won’t admit it but he is worried that I might get the call. He tried to convince me that once I tried and was denied (twice now) then I have done my duty and I should stay here and get on with my life. It is very sweet of him… even though he knows that I cannot do that. We discussed a lot of other things too, and it was good to catch up. I love him and when he opens up to me it warms my heart.

    That is not to say that his visit did not cause me some level of anxiety. That, coupled with the fact that I had bought a pre-cooked barbecue chicken earlier in the day, resulted in bad things happening on my diet. I am un 1.4 lbs. from yesterday. I will get back on track today and do better.

    I bought the chicken with the intention of trying to integrate a second meal into my day. I originally thought to buy raw chicken to cook, but the timing would not have worked so I bought the cooked one. That was a mistake. It was easy to fall off the program at 11:00pm when the chicken was right there. It would have been a very different story if I had to actually cook it.

    Yes, I am thinking about making that transition from one meal per day to two meals per day. I am going to try again today, which means I will be going to the supermarket shortly. I will not be buying anything prepared. I will buy the provisions to prepare a healthy and tasty lunch. Before I go I should make sure that I have the proper herbs and spices in the pantry… it has been a while since I have needed them!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 629

    I am having a terrible time with what is going on in Israel. I have been trying these last few days to get what is called an ‘Order 8’ which would allow me to get onto an airplane and deploy, but I am having no luck. Most of my friends (and especially my wife) are happy about that. I feel as useless as I ever have. It has caused me to lose sleep, as well as cheat on my program. It is so frustrating that for the first time in twenty-five years my uniform fits… and they will not let me put it on. I just have to keep myself from falling off to the point that I no longer fit into it.

    My weight dropped another pound this morning. I am now 1.6 lbs. heavier than I was Saturday morning before I fell hard for two days. I will continue to try to get back on track with my program; I am flying to Dallas in eleven days and by then I want to be under 240 lbs., which should be achievable by early next week.

    Yesterday I ate only slightly better than the day before, which is to say that I had the same two omelettes and the same bag of chips, but instead of the turkey drumstick I had a shake. Today I will try to do the single omelette and three shakes. I will try my best.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 296–Remembrance Day

    On the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month the guns fell silent for the last time.

    Not quite.

    This morning I eschewed my regular fedora, deciding instead to wear my military cover. I did not expect anyone to recognize it for what it was, although one fellow dog walker commented that it was an interesting hat. As she often does, Princess Sophie decided to stop and play with Davey as the kids waited for their school bus. One kid (maybe nine or ten years old) said ‘That one minute of silence… it feels like ten hours!’ I wanted to tell him about my friends, boys really not that much older than him, who were silenced forever. I wanted to tell him how ten hours of constant explosions can feel like a minute… and an eternity.

    Last night I folded my laundry and had a bittersweet moment. Knowing that tomorrow will be the last day with a forecast high of double digits for several months, I separated my golf shirts (which are the main component of my summer wardrobe) from my long sleeve shirts and put them into a drawer. Among those that went away for the season are several that I will likely never wear again, having shrunk out of them. I have been wearing mostly XXL shirts for the few months, but there were (until last night) two 3XL shirts in my rotation: a purple one that I always loved, and a pink one that has always been Leslie’s favourite. Come spring, most of the shirts that I put away last night will likely be given to charity. The purple one will go for sure. Leslie will not let me get rid of that pink shirt, no matter what. As strange as this might sound for a golf shirt, I might try to get it tailored down to size. We’ll see. Maybe it will just live in my drawer forever, or when I finally move to Dallas, hanging in our closet.

    It feels really good to be shrinking out of my clothes. I am really looking forward to the day when even the custom-tailored suits that I have been waiting for be able to wear, which were bought when I was at my lowest weight of the last twenty-five years, no longer fit and have to be either put away or given to charity. Even though when I look at myself in the mirror, I still see a morbidly obese reflection of myself, both the numbers on the scale and the fit of my clothes are good indicators of the tremendous progress I have made. The reflection looking back at me? That is a morphing of the road I have ahead, and the psychological damage of a kid who would never be good enough.

    I did my first full workout with Kezi yesterday, and yes, I did all of the warmups before starting. Today is our next workout, and I will once again do all of my warmups. I promise. I swear. Prior to the workout, I decided to pick up a handful of dried apricots, which gave me the carbohydrates to fuel the workout. Honestly, I do not know if the carbs work or not, but I ate them, I enjoyed them, and I will do the same today. As it was, I was feeling a bit dizzy and light-headed during the workout, which is most likely due to my low blood pressure. I do not want to make it worse by not having the fuel to keep me going.

    One thing I asked Kezi to adjust going forward. The workout that we did yesterday was mostly with free weights. I told her that if we would be working out together long term that would be fine, I feel that for my program to be sustainable for the long term, we should focus on the machines. We have five more workouts together, and the reason I paid for the package was because I want to know the best way to work out alone. I think the machines are a much smarter way for me to go than trying to remember every workout with free weights, especially knowing that I don’t know if my form is right or not. She told me she understands and will adjust her plans for us accordingly. I am looking forward to seeing how that plays out today.

    The only cheat on my program yesterday was the dozen dried apricots, and the numbers on the scale reflected that. My bathroom scale this morning read 303.0 lbs. which puts me back into the best-weight-ever territory (by only 0.2 lb.) . After my workout yesterday, the needle on the scale at the club read 299 lbs., making it the first time I have registered under 300 pounds since February 17, 2021. Of course, the post-workout weigh-in may feel good, but it is meaningless for me. The only weigh-ins that count are my morning weigh-ins, and the only ones that I actually register in this journal consistently are the semi-weekly weigh-ins at my doctor’s office. The next one of those is on Wednesday, November 23. I hope by then to drop from 139kg to 136kg… 299.8 lbs., with my clothes on.

    If 2022 will truly be the year I lose 50kg, then as of my last weigh-in I am still 10kg (about 22 lbs.) from that goal, and I have less than two months to achieve it. The 100 lbs. loss is certainly achievable, as I am only about 8 lbs. shy of that number. Losing eight pounds in seven weeks is absolutely achievable. Losing 22 lbs. in the same seven weeks? I am going to try my best, but I will not be terribly upset if I fall slightly shy of that number. If I do, then I will settle for losing fifty kilograms in 365 days, which gives me until January 20 to do it. I am still going to try to get there by December 31 though!

    I do not know why I agreed to an 11am workout on Remembrance Day, but I did. We will have to start a couple of minutes late, as I will observe my minutes of silence. I do not expect those around me to, but it would be nice if they did. I know that my wife is thinking about me today. She has already told me that she is thinking about me and my service this morning. I have not responded, but I will call her right now.

    Have a great day folks!

  • War and Sanctions and the Economic Casualties of War

    I am in a quandary.

    Flags of Russia and the Ukraine Divided Diagonally - 3D Render of the Russian Flag and Ukrainian Flag with Silky TextureThis week, Russia invaded Ukraine. We can discuss the reasons behind it, but they are irrelevant. Simply put, Vladimir Putin wants to control the country, while the country wants to join NATO and the European Union. It is clear that Putin is a ruthless dictator who wants to rebuild the Russian Empire, conquering people who do not want to be controlled by Russia.

    The West has imposed sanctions on Russia, which short of declaring war and putting troops on the ground is as much as they can do. Fighting Russia on its borders would be catastrophic for all involved, and so before it gets to that, they are going to try the sanctions. Anyone who knows what terrible effects war can have would support this… unless of course you are Ukrainian and your country has been invaded.

    For these reasons, I support the sanctions. The fact that, as many news outlets are reporting, the effects of the sanctions might take years for them to feel does not diminish the importance of them. Russia invaded Ukraine, we impose sanctions. Everything else might take time, but this is an immediate step that we can take to show our support for the Ukraine and our opposition to the criminal activity of Russia.

    I know people in Russia who are against the war. They are against Putin, and know that he is a ruthless dictator. They want him gone, but are realistic enough to know that he is not going anywhere. These people have already started to feel the effects of the sanctions. This morning, many Microsoft Certified Trainers living in Russia received an e-mail effectively saying that they are not to receive the benefits of being an MCT anymore.

    image

    This is not from an occasional trainer; this letter was forwarded to me from an active full-time trainer who is a nice guy, and who is now worried because he has effectively lost his livelihood, and his ability to feed his family.

    So how can I be in favour of sanctions, yet against the effects of them? It is indeed a quandary that I have had to think about. I feel terrible for the individual Russians who are going to feel the effects of the sanctions long before their government ever will, and I will cry for them. At the same time, I have to cry also for the trainers in Ukraine who are also losing their livelihoods… and often their lives. They are not losing anything because of sanctions, rather because of the invasion that is killing people.

    War is not simple. It is not black and white, good and bad. It is, in a sense… but it is not completely so. This war is a completely unwarranted invasion of a sovereign nation, and there is a right side (Ukraine and the West) and a wrong side (Russia and Vladimir Putin). The response from the west could be stronger and it could be lesser, but for the time being, the effects are being felt by the innocent, where the not-black-and-white part comes in. I feel horrible for the people in Russia who are being hurt by the sanctions, but if the alternative is sending in troops that will result in more death and destruction, then maybe the current economic sanctions (that are hurting the wrong people for now) are the only reasonable immediate response.

    And so, I completely support the sanctions… and I completely sympathize for the innocent people who are being hurt by it. I would love to send this friend money… but with the sanctions what they are, not only would I not be able to get it to him… I would be in danger of having my accounts frozen for trying to defy the sanctions.

    I have thumbed my nose at blockades when they are unjust. I feel that the American blockade of Cuba is not only an anachronism, I think it was a stupid blockade when it was put into place… essentially John F. Kennedy and the Americans taking their ball and going home after the Cuban Revolution kicked out his (JFK’s) gangster friends out of the country, and then foiling their attempted invasion at the Bahía de los Cochinos (Bay of Pigs). I have been to Cuba dozens of times, mostly when I was living in Canada but also several times when I was living in the USA. Yes, I have thumbed my nose at this unjust blockade. Sanctions against Russia for invading Ukraine? I’m sorry, but there is nothing unjust about that. Unfortunately, the effect is that many innocent people will be hurt in Russia.

    When the innocent people in Ukraine stop getting hurt and killed by Russia, then we can discuss removing them.

    Conclusion

    It is hard to be for an action but against the effects of the action. On the surface, the geopolitics of a war can be clearly good versus evil, but there are good people on the side of bad who are going to be hurt by the consequences of what their government does, and that is unfortunate. I wish there was something that could make it easier for them, but it is up to them, if they feel they are being led by an unjust dictator, to topple that dictator… and I am not going to go into by what means they should do that. Hoping that he, one of the richest men in the world, and not yet 70 years old, will die soon of natural causes is unrealistic. The people of Russia who are against the war and against the man must find a way to bring about change. It cannot be done by foreigners, who would then be seen by the Russian people as just as bad as we now see the Russian government.