Losing a part of me

Category: Wife

  • Day 1142

    I had a very difficult conversation with my wife yesterday. I think she now has a better understanding of the depth of my troubles these last few months. I hated having to put so much weight on her, but I will not lie to her.

    My weight loss has been a complete and total failure these last few months, and every attempt I have made to make it better has been a failure. The fact that it is not worse is nothing more than luck. I am going to have to figure out some changes.

    I woke up this morning in pain. It is not a serious pain, but it is in my foot and it is an outbreak of gout. Fortunately, and for the first time in a couple of years, I have the medicine that is meant to take ‘in the event of outbreaks’ and I took it right away. I will take it thrice daily until I am no longer in pain. I hope that is not very long.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1126

    I am tired. It has been a long day which was supposed to begin with a 3:00am alarm to drive Leslie to the airport… but my eyes popped open at 2:00am and were not shutting. She is home safe… although there is an issue with her luggage which I will not address here.

    This afternoon she and I had a frank discussion about both my finances and getting back on track with my weight, which necessarily will include exercise. Yes, the last couple of months the stress and anxiety have nearly killed me, but even though not all of my issues are resolved, it is time to start up again. That will be this week.

    Have a great day folks… I have to teach which means I cannot sleep until after my class ends at 10:00pm… but I doubt I will be awake by 10:15.

  • Day 1125

    I took Leslie for breakfast yesterday as planned. I ordered the French Toast with strawberries and bananas and drizzled it with maple syrup. It was delicious! Before driving her to the airport we then went to the pub, and I enjoyed a plate of fish and chips. I was tempted to change that up but decided that many of the other options were somewhat less healthy for me. We drove to the airport and were so early that we decided to stop off at another restaurant to share a dessert. I dropped her off at the exact time we had planned for our tearful goodbye, and I drove back to Burlington.

    I was already back in Burlington when my phone rang. Leslie told me that the airport was shut down, and that she needed for me to come back to pick her up. I had already completed my (safe and calculated) U-turn before I asked her what had happened, and was back there in precisely the least amount of time one can safely drive from Burlington to Pearson International Airport. A plane crash on an active runway (which you have probably already heard about by now) had the entire airport shut down until… nobody knew. My wife, ever the smart one, had already rebooked her return flight for Wednesday morning when she called me. The reasons may be terrible, but I have another full day with her, and I am not complaining about that.

    My original plans for dinner last night were complicated by this, and I left the leftover shawarma for my wife to eat. After all, it was her leftovers! I prepared a couple of meatless cheeseburgers for myself – one with a bun, the second without. I had some mini crisps on the side. I had to be finished with my meal by 6:15pm so that I could be online to teach my class, and so I had plenty of time to digest before bed. While I do not think my food intake was the healthiest yesterday, it could have been much worse.

    My weight dropped this morning by over a pound. I actually weigh less than I have since the beginning of February – I have vacillated between this morning’s 305.6 lbs. and Friday’s high of 311.2 lbs., which tells me that while I have not made any progress, I have also not lost ground. In truth, expanding that date range back to December 20 and I have been as low as 299.8 lbs. twice (December 22 and January 19), which means that I have not changed a lot since before Chanukah. With all of the stress and anxiety and problems I have endured in that time it is no small success that I have not done worse.

    My food plans for the day today are currently up in the air. I decided to wait until Leslie is awake to discuss breakfast, as I would normally just make myself an omelette and she would make whatever she had planned (usually instant oatmeal), but I know she had planned her oatmeal down to the packet for her original Monday departure, so she has none left. She is not a fan of my omelettes. I will give her the option of taking her out for breakfast again, and if she agrees then we will probably do something similar to yesterday. I will skip the desserts, as I will also take her out for a nice dinner. I had planned to do so Saturday evening, but those plans were thwarted by the inclement weather. Where we will eat is up in the air, but it will most likely be either sushi or steaks. I have not discussed this with her yet, and she might not want to eat out because of her very early flight tomorrow morning. We will see.

    I usually only discuss my sleep score when it is really good or really bad, and even then, I often forget. Last night it was down to a 77, which is still on the high end of fair. The fact that it was down from two nights in the 80s (88 Saturday night and 82 Sunday night) means that I have actually been sleeping pretty well. I am quite pleased by this, because good sleep is so important to good health.

    Leslie is now awake, and she has told me that she does not want to go out for breakfast. That is good for my eating, and I will shortly make my omelette. Lunch and dinner are still unknowns – I will discuss them with her once she has had her caffeine and some food.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1124

    As planned, Leslie and I had a lazy and relaxing day at home. The only exception was when mid-afternoon I suggested we go down to dig out the car. I was actually joking when I suggested she come to help, but she was happy to. After receiving over 14” of snow (35cm) of snow, the car was literally unrecognizable as anything more than a heap. We trudged through the snowbanks that were up to my mid-thigh to brush off the entire car. We then pulled the car out of the spot for a couple of reasons: I wanted to pull out and pull back in so that some of the driven snow would be tamped down, but there was also something that I wanted to get out of the trunk, which would not have been easily doable without much better snow boots had I not done so.

    Leslie and I were just finishing up our dinner last night when I got a call from a cousin that I do not hear from very often. While we had a great conversation, and it was wonderful catching up with him, the reason for the call was sad. He told me that an uncle of ours (who is really our first cousin once removed, but he was my mother’s generation, so we called him uncle) passed away. While I had not spoken with that uncle in several years, there was a time when we were very close, and it was sad news indeed. Partly to remember him, but also partly because it was Leslie’s last night here, I went out to the supermarket and bought us a half pie for dessert. I have to assume that this pie, coupled with my not successfully moving my bowels this morning, is why my weight stayed the same as it was yesterday morning.

    Although the trip to the supermarket was unplanned, it was indeed a fortuitous decision. As I drove back into our parking lot, my upstairs neighbour (whose parking spot is next to mine) had pulled his car out, and the snowplow was clearing our three spots so that the snowbanks were gone, and the spots were once again flat. For those of you who have never lived in snowy climes you may not fully understand how advantageous this is but trust me… when you get 14” of snowfall then the banks between parked cars is often as high as 4’ high. Thank you, Mr. Plow, and thank you neighbour who thought of asking him!

    Leslie and I are going out for breakfast shortly, and then we will likely come home to relax for a few hours before I sadly have to drive her to the airport. This visit was too short, but I think we made the most of it. We did not do any socializing (which is too bad because some of my friends would have liked to see her), but we really just wanted to spend the time alone. It is so important with us living apart and only seeing each other every couple of months… and who knows when the next visit will be? It is hard, but I am so grateful for the time we do get to spend together.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1122

    I was completely shocked yesterday morning by the 2.2 lbs. gain over the previous day. It was the first time in a very long time that my weight was over 310, and I hated myself for it. I knew the reasons and I made the excuses, but I was devastated. This morning, as I prepared to step onto the bathroom scale, I girded myself, hoping that the number would be lower. It was… and significantly so. Yesterday’s 2.2 lbs. gain was more than wiped out by this morning’s 2.8 lbs. drop. Phew. I am still way too far over the terrible mark for comfort, but at least I dropped back below terrible plus ten.

    Because of all of the snow, I am not taking Her Floofness for the same long walks I usually would. It is not my decision – she looks at the snow and says ‘Nope! I’m going to do my business and then we can go back inside, and you can make me a cup of hot tea.’ No, she does not actually drink tea… but that’s the attitude she has! I went out twice besides the walks yesterday; once I picked up lunch for Leslie and me, and the other Leslie and I went out shopping. How it is that I amassed nearly 6,500 steps is beyond me. I do not anticipate doing much more than that today.

    We are going to head back to the supermarket today. The forecast is predicting 10cm of snow today, which is quite reasonable; tomorrow we are expecting another 30cm, which is not. For those of you who do not understand the metric system, that comes to nearly 4” of snow today… and nearly 12” tomorrow. While we are hoping that these predictions are exaggerated, we are nevertheless going to purchase whatever provisions we might need to be stuck in the house tomorrow. I want to make sure we have everything we might need.

    Aside from that, Leslie and I are going to spend a couple of quiet days together. We only have five days, and we are trying to make the most of them. I am praying that sometime soon we will be able to live together and, as so many other couples do, take for granted that ‘sure, I have to work tonight, and she is working during the day… but we’ll have tomorrow or the weekend to make up for it.’ We have these five days together, our first since the beginning of November, and our last until… we don’t know. We are really trying to make the most of it. That does not mean going out to fancy restaurants or socializing with others… we are just happy to be together for what little time we have.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1120

    My weight was up again this morning, but I should mention that right before I ate I had a much better bowel movement than before I got dressed. I did not sleep very long, but I slept next to my wife which makes up for a whole lot. My cold is slightly better today than yesterday.

    I taught all day today, and I believe my students were happy with the class… despite my cold changing my voice somewhat.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1106

    My weight dropped a bit from yesterday, but I am still a bit more than five pounds over the terrible mark. I really need to get below that. The stress and anxiety that is my life for the next few weeks may not kill me, but it is certainly not doing my weight management any favours.

    My sleep score from last night was a respectable 80, but I know that I woke up too many times for it to have been great. I finally gave up trying to get back to sleep again a little before 5:00am. It is not often that I can actually dawdle a little in the morning before working.

    There was a news article a couple of days ago that really shook me about people in Colombia who showed up at the U.S. Embassy in Bogota for their immigration interviews only to find their appointments had been cancelled. My appointment is in a week, and while I do not let on about it very often, I know that the rest of my life hinges on the results of that meeting. Leslie and I have been married nearly three years, and the process has been a very long and trying one… not only is it miserable to live in a different country from my wife, but it has nearly bankrupted me from all of the travel and other expenses. I really need for this to be over so that I can live with her at long last.

    I will try to eat well today. As I had so much time to spare this morning, I prepared my lunch. I am marinating a piece of salmon with some vegetables, and I will serve it over a bed of rice. For dinner I will likely have the same chicken I would normally have prepared for both lunch and dinner.

    While I really cannot afford it, I decided to book a haircut appointment for tomorrow. My hair really is too long to keep under control, so I bit the bullet. A couple of days after I booked the appointment, my barber told me that the shop she was working at closed its doors, and so she is coming to cut my hair at my apartment. That will definitely be a first for me. At least I will be able to look at myself without wretching.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1069

    My wife had very good advice for me today. She told me that I am stressing so much because of the holidays, and it might not be a bad idea to take a break from my diet (which has not been working anyways) until after New Years. That is not to say that I should go nuts and eat everything, but trying to stick to the severe plan has not only been failing, but it has also been causing me stress and anxiety. Thanks Leslie!

    Tonight is Christmas Eve, and it is not a holiday for me, but I miss being with my family. I bought a nice veal steak for dinner which I will prepare later on.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1012

    I will start with the here and now… my usual daily update. As I said that I would, I did go out for a long walk yesterday. I power-walked 8.4km in the 28° sun, even though my initial plan had been to do 6-7km. I do not follow a route I had taken before, and when I crossed over the highway to start heading back I realized that there was no service road – let alone a sidewalk of any kind – on the other side of the highway. I had to go through residential streets that were unfamiliar to me, and somewhat winding. I would also have to contend with finding a level crossing of the railroad tracks, not to mention an underpass that would get be back onto the friendly side of the aforementioned highway. I was proud of my accomplishment though, even though I did need to stop to rest for a minute once along the way.

    It was that accomplishment that I felt gave me leave to enjoy the movie theatre popcorn that I shared with my wife. In the future though I think we should share the medium size and not the large. Had I thought of this at the time I suspect my weight would have been down more than it was – a mere .2 lb. from yesterday morning. At least I did register one food-related accomplishment… we went for peri-peri chicken for dinner, and for the first time in I don’t know how long I ordered the quarter breast meal instead of the half chicken. I need to start eating less… even when the foods are healthy, I need to control my portions.

    As we sat on the patio smoking and talking last night Leslie did something extremely meaningful and helpful. She asked me what my plans for succeeding on this weight loss journey were. I told her, and it led to a good conversation.

    1. Yes, I need to eat less. I have to control my portions. There is no question that this is going to be important.
    2. I need to stop buying any foods that are bad for me. She pointed out that when she reads in these pages that I ate a mango, for example, the mango is full of sugar and however otherwise healthy it may be, the high sugar content is bad for weight loss.
    3. She asked what my plans for activity are, citing that in the winter months I can get lazy. I told her that when I get back to Canada, I am clearing everything off my treadmill and will be using it regularly throughout the winter months. I acknowledged that while I do walk HRF Princess Sophie twice daily for nearly 4km total, that is all at her pace, and is not really exercise. I will me making sure to use the treadmill and it is easy because I can just put something to watch on the TV and go for an hour. On days that I am teaching I need to do it in the evening, and when I am not teaching I can do it during the day… but I need to do it.
    4. I need to be accountable to myself. When I have a bad food day, I need to enumerate in these pages not just ‘I had a bad day’ but rather how… and why. If I am to ask her to hold me accountable then the only way she knows when I am going off is from my journal, and if I write out ‘I was bad today… this is the list of what I ate’ then not only does it help her to help me, but it will help me to help myself.

    In addition to all of this, I need to write when I have a massive failure. Over the past few weeks, I have been wearing my dress pants when I need to wear long pants because they are the only ones that fit me. I ordered two pair of slacks from Amazon that arrived Monday… and they were a size 40. FORTY! It was such a huge accomplishment when I was able to fit comfortably into a size 36 in some fits, and now I am back into a size 40. I am disgusted with myself over this, and need to reverse that. I need to get back into the smaller sizes again. I recognize that it will take time, but I need to do it.

    (I also needed to order a new belt Monday morning when I was securing the one that I had brought with me, and it broke. This was more because when I wear looser pants (such as my dress pants) I need to pull it tighter to hold them up, and I have more belly pushing back against it. I had known for a few weeks that it was on its last legs, and it was folly of me to not bring another one with me. Oops!)

    The Size 40 is bad… but the fact that my suits are tight, and that I can only wear one of my sports jackets is worse. How I have not discussed in these pages that so many of my nice clothes (which I was so happy to call a non-scale victory at the time) no longer fit because they are too tight… I was just so embarrassed by my failure. I am ashamed to be where I am.

    I have never been one of those people who needs to put a positive spin on everything. I do not need anyone blowing smoke up my rear. When I screw up, I need to acknowledge that I screwed up. That is what will encourage me to un-screw whatever was screwed. That is why I am writing all of this. I need to get out of the Size 40 and into the custom-tailored clothes that I was so proud of. I need to be wearing my pants around my belly button and not around my hips with my belly hanging over them. I need to know that if I put on a shirt that does not fit, it is because it is too big, and not too tight.

    If this new attempt works, then I have Leslie’s pointing it out to thank for it. I will do the work, but I am so happy that she is not coddling me about it. That is what people who love you need to do some times.

    For the record, if you are a friend who is also a reader and you think this gives you leave to start talking to me about my needing to lose weight, let me stop you there. I am happy to take it from my wife. That’s where it ends.

    As for this being where it begins, I am going to try to record another 24km of walking between now and the time I return to Canada. That is four walks of 6km each… or three walks of 8km each.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1010

    My weight gain from yesterday was canceled out today. Phew! We ate reasonably well – Leslie picked up salads for our lunch, and we ordered Japanese curry chicken katsu for dinner. I snacked in moderation. I am still much heavier than I was hoping to be by now. I do not mean long term, I mean a couple of weeks ago. I hope that as I start walking this week, I will be able to get down below that terrible mark. In the meantime, I am enjoying my time with my wife.

    As had been the plan, I woke up this morning and made French toast for our breakfast. I then went out to pick up lattés for us, which we were able to enjoy on the balcony with our cigars. This evening we will again go to watch the baseball game at our cigar lounge, and hopefully we will eat intelligently before we go.

    It is a beautiful afternoon, but it is hot in the sun. After our cigars we came into the apartment. Leslie took HRF Duchess of Chif for a short walk, and I got a few things done. We might run an errand this afternoon, but if not then I might go for a walk. We will see.

    Have a great day folks!