Doing no better today, but this afternoon I have to put a smile on to go see some friends. I have a good excuse to beg out early – I have to start teaching at 1am which means I need to get some sleep.
Life sucks.
Blog
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Day 1199
Someone asked me yesterday morning what my plans were for today and I had to confess that I did not have anything. I walked Princess Sophie in the morning, and of course I will walk her again in the evening… but that’s about it. I was originally supposed to spend the afternoon with a friend, but that fell through. If it rains I will connect with a buddy for cigars… he is scheduled to do an outdoor photo shoot, but if the weather is not cooperative then he is free. We’ll see.
Next week I am teaching a class to an audience in Europe which means my sleep schedule will be well and truly upside down; I am working from 1:00am until 11:30am every day. Add to that my evening class and that has me working Monday Wednesday and Friday from 6:30pm-10:30pm, and then from 1-11. It will be a tiring week for sure.
If it sounds like I am complaining then let me assure you that I am not. I love working, and while I wish I had a steady job with a guaranteed income, for the time being that is not my life, and I need to may hay when the sun shines. When a broker calls then I am almost always happy to take the job. It is wonderful that so many different training providers like using me, and it is a relief that I am making money again so I can continue to pay down my debt. With that said, my sleep has been atrocious for the last little while, and I am not expecting this coming week to be an easy one for me.
Speaking of paying down my debt, I have some bills to pay so I am going to get on that. Have a great day folks…
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Day 1198
Is it any surprise that yesterday brought more disappointing news? At this point, is there any other kind?
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Day 1197
Today is Yom Ha’Aztzmaut, the Israeli Day of Independence. I have a lot to do, mostly in preparation for the most useless exam I have to take tomorrow. It is a certification exam for the class that I am teaching next week, and it earns you a certification that I earned nearly six years ago and have maintained ever since. The customer wants that exact exam on my transcript, so here I sit going over some of the minutia that might come up on the exam. It could be worse.
My original plan was to skip my Lodge’s Meeting of General Purpose this evening so that I could attend the Yom Ha’Atzmaut celebrations in Hamilton. Unfortunately, I can no longer do that, as one of the members of the Lodge passed away this week. To make it slightly more complicated, he is the brother with whom I had a very contentious relationship, and while I disagreed with him and a lot of what he said and did, I want to be there to express my sadness of his passing. At this evening’s meeting we will be discussing the details of his Masonic Funeral which are extremely important, and I will not miss the meeting.
I am trying to cope… I do not know if it is working, but I am trying everything that I can. This morning (after Her Floofness and I came back from our walk) I went to the fridge to start preparing my breakfast, and I remembered that I used the last of the eggs yesterday. Despite my stress, anxiety, despair, and depression I am going to try once again to get back onto a program of some sort. I am going to have one midday meal, but other than that I am going to have only the meal replacement shakes. I hope that I can stick to it this time. How easy should it be to stay true? In a vacuum it would be simple. In my current reality? Not so simple. Putting one foot in front of the other isn’t simple… staying alive is not so simple. I have to try,
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Day 1194
Today is election day in Canada, and I plan to go vote right after my daytime class, hoping that I will get through it and home in time for my nighttime class. It is going to be tight if the lines are long, but I have to make my voice heard.
Other than that, I still hate myself, have no hope, and wish that it was all over… but I cannot do that because I have people who depend on me… and I do not want to go deeper into that.
I did not see any friends this weekend despite numerous plans. I did a lot of work, and I did some terrible things. I have to get off this terrible downward trend. I have to find a way to get a hold of myself and stop falling. I just see no way out… and no hope.
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Day 1193
I finally got a bit of half-decent sleep last night. It seems the answer is simple… sleep like crap for a week and then finally go to bed early from sheer exhaustion.
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Day 1191
I am feeling no more cheerier or positive today than I have been; this despite a lot of positive things going on in my life. It is the negative stuff that are so much stronger and harder to cope with. I am going to have to find a way.
My weight seems to be normalizing, which is to say that after a week of Passover I am back to where I was before the holiday. Really the only bad thing I ate over the holidays was a lot of chicken soup with matzah balls, but the salt content of that is tremendous, and I spent a week and a half flushing it out.
Now if only I could flush the sadness.
