Losing a part of me

Blog

  • Day 1170

    Yesterday was hard for a few reasons, but I still managed to make slight progress with my weight this morning, dropping another few ounces according to the bathroom scale.

    My stress and anxiety are nearly crippling me right now but I have to get through. I have too many things I need to do and too many people I do not want to disappoint. If I were to disappear it would leave a heavy burden on those that I love so I am going to keep struggling through.

    I am not suicidal. There is a difference in my mind between wishing I was gone versus actively thinking of making myself gone. I will not harm myself. I will not carelessly put myself in harm’s way. I am just really struggling right now, and the only reason I can think of to stick around is to clear up my messes so that they do not become a burden to others. I am hurting, and I feel completely alone.

  • Day 1169

    I am back on track with my partial program, and am while I am seeing results, two days is not enough to see anything really. I need to go for a few weeks to make it real.

    There is an old saying that if you do not like the weather in Canada… wait a minute. Yesterday the temperatures were hovering around 0°, with the wind chill making it feel like -5°. It snowed and when I looked out around 5:30pm there was probably 3″ of accumulation – not unheard of, but certainly not common for this part of the country on the second day of April. This morning when I took Her Floofness out there was only a hint of snow left, with temperatures hovering around 14°. It is rainy and windy (the wind chill right now has it feeling like 5°) but the actual high temperature is expecting to hit 17°by noon. The wind is not forecast to abate until the evening. Welcome to springtime in Canada.

    Since Princess Sophie did not feel like walking much in the rain, I am thinking about taking her out at lunch. I will, of course, also take her out before I head to Grimsby this evening… but we will see. I might have to answer a bunch of emails at lunch so that might not be feasible.

    I did something today that I have not done in decades: I popped the top button on my shirt from sneezing. It was not because my neck is bigger today than it was the last time I wore the shirt (it is not), but rather because I knew that I had secured it improperly… probably too high on my neck; it felt tight, and I was about to adjust the collar when AHCHOO!!!! pop goes the button. I decided to wear the shirt anyways – my tie was already tied, and I was running late because I slept through my alarm. Looking at myself in the mirror I still look dapper, so I will let it go. With that said, this shirt will go into a pile to go to the tailor.

    Speaking of sleeping in… I must have needed it, because I do not even remember my alarm going off this morning. While it is set for 5:45am, I rolled out of bed around 7am to the slight panic of ‘Crap, I’m late!’ I knew that I was not really late… especially since breakfast is no longer a sit-down meal, but a blended meal-replacement shake. I was still sitting at my computer at 8:05am with my shake and coffee. Had Princess Sophie wanted to go for her full walk that would have extended to 8:30am, which would have still had me logged in for my class thirty minutes early. No problem. My sleep score was 80 for the second night in a row. Owing to some difficult news I received on Tuesday, my sleep the previous night did not feel very good, but I guess the biometric measurements don’t lie. Last night felt better than the previous night, but that could be because I worked the 14-hour day, and was truly exhausted by the end of it.

    My class this week is going very well. I am really engaging with the students, and I feel that they are really enjoying it. What a relief after the class I delivered last week… I felt like a fish out of water and just could not get my footing. It is a relief to be back on terra firma. Next week I am teaching Wednesday through Friday, and I have to travel for it. It will be my first work-related hotel stay in over four years and I am traveling to… Toronto. Yes, Toronto is so big and the commute would be so long that they are putting me up in a hotel for three nights. Without traffic it would be an hour-long drive. In rush-hour that could easily be 2.5 hours each way, which would be fine for Thursday (when I am free in the evening), but Wednesday evening I have to teach and that would not work. I was not going to argue when they suggested I get a hotel.

    Okay, I guess I should get into the headspace for my class. Showtime is in ten minutes. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1168

    There are days that are worse than others… sometimes you fall, others you use those hard knocks to remember who you are so that you can pull yourself back up again.

    Yesterday morning my weight was the worst it had been in two years. It is time to end that. I am going to go hard on the program and get back in shape. With spring in the air I am going to start walking more, and hopefully get back to jogging. Not this morning… it was -1° with a wind chill of -9°. I am working morning to night today, but I will try to get onto the treadmill between my daytime class and my evening class. It will be a start.

    I found out on Monday that an old friend who had been suffering from brain cancer lost his battle, and it has had me thinking. I am lucky in that with all of my struggles, my only physical impediment is obesity. Otherwise I am healthy. I have to use that to fight the obesity, whether or not food is an addiction. I have to overcome it.

    I have had too many false starts. Life has really been kicking me hard these last few months and I have let it get the best of me. I have to remember that I am me, and I have to work to make myself the best me that I can be.

    Day One.

  • Day 1167

    I have to get a hold on myself. Today will be better.

  • Day 1166

    As we set out on the final day of March I am still struggling to get back onto my program, and it is hard. The stress and anxieties this weekend were more powerful than my willpower, and I did eat. I have to try harder and am going to redouble my efforts today to get back on track. At least my weight did not go up today… even the ounce or two that I dropped is better than gaining.

    Today begins another crazy long week of classes that have me teaching 14 hours Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I am embracing it, but I know I will be tired.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1165

    It was not until the early evening that I found something online that might ease my stress and anxiety a little… possibly bringing it down from a fourteen to an eleven. I am hoping…

    My weight dropped by nearly a pound this morning. It is progress but only because of how bad I had done the previous two days. I am hoping to do a little better today.

    I have to go to the supermarket today. I need coffee and sugar for said coffee. I will try to be good aside from those items.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 1164

    Yesterday was a disaster. I will not go into it and it might be nothing, but I found something out that put me into a panic and an eating frenzy. I have now regained all of the weight that I dropped just two short days ago. Until I find out otherwise (regarding what I accidentally discovered) then my anxiety levels will be dialed up to a fourteen. I do not know how I will get through it.

  • Day 1163

    Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I forgot in an instance how hard it is to get back on track. I faltered. My weight crept back over the 310 mark. I will do better today.

  • Day 1162

    When I saw the numbers on the bathroom scale yesterday morning I wanted to vomit. Despite all of the stress and anxiety, and not to mention the travel, I could not believe that I had gained nine pounds in four days. I was not back to where I had started… I was a couple of paces behind that. So when I stepped onto that horrible device this morning I was hoping to see a significant drop… but would I? I was not exactly perfect with my program yesterday. The drop of more than five pounds was a relief. I was back below 310 lbs., and honestly I was about where I thought I would be after the Montreal trip.

    I am going to do my best to curb my eating today, but I was not able to make it through the day yesterday, so I picked up some pasta (I had to go to the supermarket to get milk, so I made a slight detour down that aisle).

    Today is a short work day… which is to say I am only working from 8:30am to 5:00pm, and will not have to teach in the evening as well. That is tomorrow. I was also booked last-minute for another class next week, which means that I’ll have the crazy Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule again. How fun.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1161

    Holy crap, my first instinct was right. Despite a number of successful bowel movements these past few days, I gained a ridiculous amount of weight since leaving for Montreal. It is time to get back on track.

    I do have to go to the supermarket today… the milk in my fridge turned, and I do need it for coffee. Actually, it is more likely that I will go tomorrow, as I am teaching from morning until night.