Losing a part of me

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  • Day 586

    Yesterday was the first day in I don’t know how many that I got through the day without my wife being here that I did not cheat at all. It is not easy to get through these days, but I am finding inspiration in my wife. She is an amazing woman who has been through so much; if she is willing to put up with me then I owe it to her to look and to feel as good as I can, and to stay as healthy as I can so as to not make her a widow – or worse, a nursemaid to an infirm husband. I am back on track, and I will keep at it so that I can be the best me that I can be. When I pick her up at the airport in California in just over three weeks, she will see the slimmest Mitch that she has ever seen… I make that promise not to her but to myself.

    By staying true to the program I was rewarded on the bathroom scale this morning, this time by a drop of .6 lbs. Doing as I have done these last few days, there are now twelve days that I registered at or lower than my current weight. There was one day in mid-April, and then from May 20 (when my weight was the same as it is this morning) through May 31st. If I drop another .4 lb tomorrow morning, then that number will drop to nine. With a lot of mindfulness and discipline then within the week that scale should be behind me, and looking forward I will only see uncharted weight territory. How exciting… as long as I can stay true to the program.

    I have two obstacles today that I have to overcome with regard to my goal of staying on track. The first is a couple of errands I have to run in the afternoon. Before I go to see my barber, I have to stop off at an office to sign a few papers, but that is of no concern. I seem to have a pattern of going to Bulk Barn to buy peanuts after getting my hair cut. I have to be mindful that I come straight home after that. The second obstacle is that I am meeting someone to buy more meal replacements; he is someone I was advising on the program but who decided it is not for him, and we are meeting for a cup of coffee. There is no harm in the coffee; what else might be tempting at the café is quite another story. I will gird myself to stay disciplined and will not succumb to any temptations. It is so easy to say or write that at 9:45am, an hour after I finished my breakfast omelette, and in the comfort and safety of my apartment. It is quite another to say it in the face of the temptations. I can only do my very best to stay focused and remember why I am depriving myself of all of those foods that I love… so that I will eventually look and feel better than I have in decades.

    Okay, following the conclusion of that paragraph I should mention that I do now already look and feel much better than I have in decades… it is simply that I want to keep improving upon what I have achieved… looking and feeling even better than I do now. That will only come with discipline, and I know it.

    Last night following my class I had my first meeting in a month with my diet buddy. She has moved to Yukon for the year and so our meetings will all be virtual, but it was great to catch up with her. She told me about some of the challenges that she is facing in her new environment. We can talk about small towns in southern Ontario and joke about it, but they are nothing like the sheer isolation of the great white north. She is a schoolteacher, and the stories of her indigenous students tear at your heart. I remember the expression that ‘There but for the grace of G-d go I.’ Yes, I have experienced a hard and challenging life, but it pales in comparison to how some of those children are growing up. Nearly two months after the move she is still adjusting to her new reality, and I hope that when she does get acclimated she will resume with her weight loss success.

    In speaking with Leslie the other day I realized something horrible. She told me she was tempted by a particular food – I do not remember what – and I told her about a weight loss mantra that I have heard many times over the years: Nothing tastes as good as slim feels. When she told me that it was a mantra for anorexics I was horrified. I did not know that the people who said this suffer from a mental condition that is so unhealthy as to lead to hospitalization and even death. I will never forget that lesson and will tell it to the next person who says it to me.

    I am putting off buying a new hard drive. One of my external storage devices failed yesterday, and it will need to be replaced. Fortunately there was nothing critical on it, but I do need the device. I am thinking of purchasing a network attached storage (NAS) device to replace it, but I do not feel like spending the money just now. I have other priorities, and I will hold off a while. I think before I buy that, I should probably buy my server… which I have put off buying because I just do not feel like spending the money right now. There is no connection between that and the meal replacements I am buying today (which will set me back over $500 for what I am buying, and which cannot be put on a credit card); I need to eat, and while my storage will be a little tighter now than it was previously, I am sure I will be able to make do for a couple of months.

    Okay, I suppose it is time for me to get on with it. I am going to see if my wife is available, and if not then I will get a couple of hours of studying in before heading out for my first set of errands.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 585

    I was surprised that I was able to cross off another number on the fridge this morning. That makes three numbers in four days, and the seventh day straight that my weight has dropped. I once again feel bad for Leslie who was not happy with the number she saw on the scale yesterday morning, even though she is working so much harder at the program than I am. I also owe her a big thank you, and I told her about it yesterday when we were chatting as she waited for her much-delayed flight.

    We left the apartment at 11:00am to drive to Cambridge to see Ryan (and his sister) and smoke cigars. It was a lovely afternoon, except I made a mistake. I left the house without taking meal replacements with me. I had eaten my usual omelette in the morning but that was all. Leslie offered to share one of her remaining American meal replacements with me, which we shared at around 1:00pm. We left Cambridge around 4:30pm which would have me dropping her at the airport by around 5:30pm, so without any traffic I would be getting home by 6:15pm or so.

    I was not going to make it. I was hungry and I was not going to be able to make it until 6:15pm. As we sat in traffic on the Trans Canada Highway, I was thinking to myself that I could drop her off art the airport and then look for a convenience store to buy a bag of peanuts. Leslie would be at the airport, and she wouldn’t need to know. She was gone, and so was her scrutiny which had kept me honest during her visit. I started to salivate as I anticipated with gusto the snack I would be enjoying within a short half-hour!

    We were probably fifteen minutes out from the airport when she turned to me and said, ‘Okay… so what are you not going to do tonight?’ Without hesitation I replied ‘Cheat! I will not cheat!’ That was the answer she was looking for. Satisfied, we spent the rest of the car ride basking in our last few minutes of togetherness before she would walk into the terminal.

    Princess Sophie and I drove straight home making no stops along the way. As soon as we got into the apartment, I prepared my meal replacement. I then texted her to let her know that I owed it to her that I did not fall off the program… even if for a minute. I also told her that I do not know what will happen today or tomorrow… but my success on Sunday I owed entirely to her – first for sharing her meal replacements with me, and then for inspiring me to not cheat in the evening. For as many times as I have credited her support and encouragement for my success, this was one more time that it was a specific incident rather than a general helping.

    Over the last couple of days we also discussed my wardrobe, and I made an appointment with the Hong Kong tailor who will be in Hamilton for two days in September – the day I fly back from California, and the next day. Leslie suggested colours for shirts – navy blue, green, and purple. I am surprised she says I look good in green but that is likely because after the Army I spent so much effort avoiding that colour that I started thinking it was just because I did not look good in it. I trust my wife’s sense of fashion and style better than my own, so I will look for something green! I hope that I can be at my lowest weight ever by then (it is precisely thirty days from today), even though I will just be back from spending a week in California where I will try to eat well, but I will not be sticking to the program.

    With regard to my progress: I am now four pounds from my best weight ever, and as that number shrinks so too does the number of days when I weighed less. My spreadsheet shows thirteen days when my weight was lower than this morning’s; with the exception of a single day in April, all of those were between May 20 and May 31. It took me eight days to drop from 256.2 (what I weighed on May 19) down to 250 lbs…. and then just five days for my weight to jump back to 254.6 lbs… my weight on June 1. My plan is to not fall off this time, and to lose as much as I can between now and October.

    There is nothing particular about October 1… other than it is the beginning of a month. With that said, now that I might be back on track, it is not a bad time to try to set some new short-term goals.

    • This week: Stay on track! I am seeing my doctor on Thursday, and I would love to see my best ever medical weigh-in. I could, in theory, stay put where I am now and achieve that… as long as I stripped naked and stepped onto her scale the same way I do my own every morning. To be safe, I would love to continue with my current pace of .8 lb. per day, but assuming that unrealistic I would be thrilled if I could lose another 1-2 lbs. in these next few days.
    • Within the next ten days (that is, by September 7) I would like to drop below 250 lbs. for the first time in my post-Army life.
    • If I can maintain a weight-loss pace of 3.5 lbs. per week (or .5 lb. per day) between now and Rosh Hashana (the evening of September 15) then I would weigh just under 245 lbs. by then!
    • Maintaining that pace, the day I pick my wife up from Los Angeles International Airport I would weigh 242 lbs.!
    • Even if my pace were to abate somewhat, at a .3 lb. per day average drop (2.1 lbs. per week) then I would still weigh 246.8 lbs. when I pick Leslie up at the airport on the 20th. Even that would be a success!
    • Knowing that the week in California will be a difficult one to stay on track, I am nevertheless hoping that my weight the morning of September 27 – that is, the day of my appointment with the tailors – I should weigh between 245-250 lbs., which would be as much as a twenty-seven pound loss from my last visit at the beginning of March.

    How can I achieve these short-term weight loss goals? It is simple, but not easy. I just have to stay on track and not veer from the path.

    Sometimes it is fun to dream, imagining what I could achieve if I never veered from the program. I plugged some numbers into my spreadsheet to see when I would drop to 220 lbs. losing an average of .3, .4, and .5 lb. per day. At .3 lb. per day I would weigh 219.8 on December 20. At .4 lb. per day I would weigh 220.0 on November 21. At .5 lb. per day I would weigh 220 lbs. on November 4. All it would take is dedication without faltering, and no matter which way it goes by the end of this calendar year I would be a very reasonable 220 lbs. Not a bad dream, huh? How about we try to get through the next week or two without faltering… then we can look past that.

    I have a lot of studying to do this week so most of the days I will spend either watching videos of classes or else reading. If the weather forecast for the week holds up, then a lot of that studying will be done on the balcony. It would not bother me one bit if I could smoke a couple of cigars while advancing my mind… all the while preparing for a few exams I have to take and then a couple of classes I need to be ready to teach. It should all be good fun!

    My plan is to do just that… stay on track, studying on the balcony and smoking my cigars, preparing my meal replacements as needed (and properly timed). Tomorrow, I have to go out as I have a haircut scheduled, but there is no reason for me to leave the apartment today except for taking Her Floofness for a walk. I was able to stay on track yesterday, so there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to do so again today. If I can stay on track today, then there is no reason why I cannot stay on track tomorrow. That is how I have to continue to think.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 584

    I am happy to be down another .8 lb. from yesterday morning. At the same time I watch my wife who is a lot more religious about following the strict program than even I am about following my modified program and who is not doing nearly as well with sadness. I realize that every body’s metabolism is different and that there are marked differences between men and women, but to see her frustration at her slow rate of progress is heartbreaking.

    Today is our last day together for this trip which always makes me sad. At the same time I know that we will see each other again in 3.5 weeks in California, so it is not so daunting as it has often been. When I left Dallas at the end of July, I thought we would not see each other again until California which was much harder. This trip was too short, but it was wonderful to be together, and it was a good way to break that too-long time apart. I will miss her dearly when I drop her off at the airport today… and that is when the countdown to when I will pick her up at Los Angeles International Airport officially begins. In case anyone thinks I am not counting, as of this minute that is 24 days and fifteen hours from now.

    I am once again below 255 lbs., if only barely. Prior to this morning I had previously registered under that mark fifteen times (between March 31 and June 1st). Looking at the list of those dates I can see that after the first time I achieved that number it was for only one day. The second time as well. It was not until May 20th that I got back there and stayed under that number… until June 1st, the last time I was this weight. I do not have those days to compete with this time, and 250 lbs. is not my goal, it is just my next major milestone that I am eagerly looking forward to, and which I plan to celebrate only with a fist pump and a whoop, and not with a steak dinner. I do not plan to veer from the program again until I am in California with my wife.

    We are spending the afternoon with friends, so I am going to cut this short. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 583

    For the second day in a row I stuck to my modified program perfectly yesterday, and I was rewarded for it. Ed McMahon rang my door with a cheque from Publisher’s Clearinghouse for Ten Million Dollars! Okay, no… but I did get to cross another number off on my fridge-side tracker! I dropped 1.4 lbs. from yesterday morning which is absolutely astonishing. It may not be $10 Million, but it is still a very nice minor victory.

    I was speaking with Leslie last night about a lot of weight-related issues. One of them is that I am going to the doctor next Thursday, and wouldn’t it be nice if I could show a significant drop in weight from my last weigh-in. At the end of May I weighed 116kg; after that I started my slide which I hope was just a plateau. At the end of June I met with my new doctor for the first time, and I had gained 4.7kg – nearly 11 lbs. I was certain that I had done the worst and would be back on track immediately, but July proved to be a harder month than I thought. I did not actually step onto the scale when I was at the doctor’s at the end of July, but I was up about half a kilo in the month. If I were to step onto her scale today, I should weigh a little more than 5kg less than I did then, and it would be my best weigh-in at the doctor’s office ever. With five days left to go I would love to lose another 2-3 lbs., which would take me under 115kg! That would be my best weigh-in at a doctor’s office since before I went into the Army. Yes, I saw plenty of doctors during my service… but never for a regular check-up. I seem to recall weighing over 260 lbs. when I saw my Canadian doctor the first time after returning, which would have been some time in 1997. I am thrilled to be on this path!

    Not only am I thrilled by that, but I am also excited to be able to say something honestly today that I have been dishonest about since May. I have lost 140 lbs. overall. I have not in the last three months amended that when asked, even though at the worst of my sliding I was back to having lost 115 lbs. I am also less than six pounds away from dropping below that monumental milestone: I have not since leaving the Army weighed less than 250 lbs. I achieved that number on May 27 (Day 492)… and then the slipping began. The day that I step onto the bathroom scale and see the number 249.x – it could be 249.999 for all it matters – I will jump for joy. If I am able to stay on track, then I am almost certain to reach that before I fly to California in 3.5 weeks. My wife will see me at the lowest weight that she has ever seen me… and the lowest that anyone has seen me in my post-Army life.

    While writing that paragraph I realized something, and I decided to go back to confirm it. While I was a full 5.6 lbs. lower than I am now (according to my spreadsheet, there are nineteen days when I have weighed less), none of those days coincided with us being together. When she woke up this morning, I weighed less than my wife has ever seen me. When she gets out of the shower, I am going to tell her that… and we will sit on the patio with our coffee and cigars.

    Our plan for the day is to see a movie. We discussed picking up some almonds to munch on but unless she mentions it again, I am not going to. I think I might have been pushing her to do that, and I do not want to impede her progress. She is doing so well, and I will not be the reason she falters… certainly not with all of the love and support she has shown me during this long, strange, and often tumultuous trip. I am thinking of preparing our evening meal replacements as a fine candlelit dinner on the balcony. We’ll see if I can manage it. Otherwise, we will just enjoy our last full day together. She flies home tomorrow, and that is hard for both of us.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 582

    I have no idea why my first reaction when seeing a 1.2 lb. drop on the bathroom scale this morning was disappointment. It allowed me to not only re-cross and re-date my tracker on the fridge and is a great single-day drop. I suppose is a psychological issue that I should be trying to deal with. Woohoo!

    As I had hoped (and written about) I have dropped below 258 lbs., which does make me happy. I am still seven pounds from my best weight ever, but I am definitely going in the right direction. I will get there for sure.

    I received in the mail today the bi-yearly advert from my Hong Kong tailors. I am currently only fifteen pounds lower than I was when I was measured for my last shirts and suits, and they are still fitting pretty nicely. With that said, the older shirts that I had made in 2017 are very loose (especially the neck) and I am seriously thinking of getting a few more made. We will see.

    It’s been a long week but a good one. I am thrilled that Leslie is here. The class that I was auditing is now over and I have a couple of hours before I start to teach. In six hours my weekend with my wife begins.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 581

    While yesterday did not go as well as planned (there were a number of impediments to my well planned timing of my meal replacements), the bathroom scale did once again show a lower number than yesterday. It was not a severe drop, but it was a drop. Speaking of drops, I am now on my third day of not moving my bowels on the current streak. Sigh.

    It is so wonderful to have my wife here; she is only here for a short visit, but I am so thrilled to see her. As soon as she texted me that she was through Customs I left the Cell Phone Waiting Lot and zipped over to the terminal… and twenty minutes later she was in the car. It is truly amazing how badly people drive at and around the airport. We then hit the highway and were on a beeline to get home quickly when we the highway, clear as one would expect at 11:30pm, came to a stop. We are not 100% certain of what the incident on the road was, but we sat there for at least half an hour before we were turned around and forced to get onto the toll road. If I think of it I will try to figure out what happened… when they close a 400-series highway in Toronto/Mississauga there must be something on the news about it.

    Over the last few days I have realized that I want to start wearing my pants differently. In 1998 I acted in a play, and I remember a conversation with the costumer who told me, as I secured my belt beneath my stomach, that normal people secure their belt right around their bellybutton while fat people wore it under their fat. That is where I have worn my belt for decades; yesterday and today I realized that I was having trouble with that, but I still cannot secure it properly higher up… at least, not consistently. I am able to do it for a bit, then find myself having to pull my pants up.

    I stand corrected. During my class’s morning break I was able to take care of business in the restroom… and very productively and to great relief. I feel much better! I only wish I had been able to do it prior to weighing myself this morning. Oh well… that’s life!

    I will be in class all day but that in the afternoon there will be a section that I need to pay less attention to so that Leslie and I can enjoy a cigar together on the balcony. I do not mind listening to the class with half an ear, but I do not get nearly enough time with my wife as I would like, so hopefully we will be able to bask in each others’ company for a few extra hours. While the wind will be picking up this afternoon, there is no rain in the forecast until the middle of the night. Hopefully the wind is not too bad…

    It is great to have my wife here, and that makes my day better! It also gives me a much better chance of being successful with my modified weight loss program. I am extremely unlikely to cheat on my program while my wife is here; she is not responsible for keeping me accountable… but as she is on a similar program to mine (the American program, unmodified) then the least I can do is to not try to not entice her by breaking my stride. Yes, I made my omelette this morning… but that is my modified program, and I will not be eating anything else other than my meal replacements.

    I decided that with the minor slide that I had these last few days I am going to re-cross and re-date the 258 lbs. threshold on my sheet again when I drop below it, which will almost certainly be tomorrow morning. I did not do the same when I dropped back below 260 lbs., but I was only above that threshold for two days. I spent over a week above that last best threshold that I had previously reached, and I am happy to re-date it to show my progress forward from here, and not from last week.

    Okay, I am going to start focusing on my class.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 580

    Just a few days ago I was counselling Leslie about how to handle something; I told her that one of the dangers of cheating is getting onto the scale the next morning and realizing that cheating did not impede your progress. Seeing that it becomes easy to justify those little cheats in your mind… and little cheats have a tendency to morph into large cheats. I was reminded of the conversation this morning when I stepped onto the bathroom scale. I know that I cheated yesterday, eating more peanuts than even my regular cheats might have allowed for. I was disgusted with myself all evening and was resigned to the fact that my weight would be up this morning. In fact it was down nearly a full pound. I am not going to let this become a habit of indulging in large cheats. I am going to take it as a reprieve only.

    I reached out to someone I have not spoken to in a few years this morning. During the conversation he told me that he is a regular reader of my weight loss blog and congratulated me on my hard work and success. I was shocked. I did not realize that anyone read it on a regular basis. It warmed my heart and brought a tear to my eye. Hopefully one day I can inspire others on the same path.

    Leslie is flying in this evening! I am so excited, but I have to get through the class I am sitting through during the day, and the class I am teaching this evening. Once that is done, I can head out to the airport. Yay! We are both so excited! This will be our least expensive visit to date only because we are both on our very strict diet programs and so we will not be eating out. That is not a concern of mine, it is just something I thought about.

    While the forecast this morning called for rain only until 9:00am it is still raining outside my window. That forecast has been amended predicting rain through 1:00pm or so. Of course I am not sure how accurate that is as meteorologists were put on this earth to make psychics look good. Still and all, if it is not windy, I might take my afternoon class on the balcony, nonetheless. The definite advantage is that the sun will not make it difficult to see the screen. We will see how I feel after the lunch break, which is now. On that subject, I am going to try to make it through to 12:30pm before preparing my meal replacement, which would then position me well to have my next one at 5:00pm and then at 9:15pm – one before my class, and the other after my class and before I drive to the airport to pick up my wife. The best laid plans of mice, right?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 579

    After several days of sliding (which I suppose is a nice word for cheating) I finally had a day of sticking to the program on Monday. I did go to bed slightly hungry, but not terribly so. I woke up this morning after not sleeping very well (which had nothing to do with hunger which was forgotten very quickly) I was once again not successful in the restroom (which does get frustrating after a while) I was happy to see a significant drop on the bathroom scale. I lost nearly two pounds, putting me back to where I was a couple of days ago. I am still 1.4 lbs. from my best recent weight (it was six days ago when I crossed off the number 258.0 on the side of my fridge), so I am at least going in the right direction.

    It was not a very difficult day for me. I was sitting in a class throughout the day, and I taught in the evening. I took Her Royal Floofness for a walk in the morning and then another one in the evening – even though she spent the day playing with her friends Charlie (doggo) and Sue (human). They likely went out for a few walks, but when she asks so nicely to go outside, and the weather is agreeable then it is not at all a hardship for me.

    I did get a little hungry in the afternoon yesterday, and decided the best way to address that hunger was not to give in to it, rather to find a way to put it out of my mind. I decided to take my mobile office onto the balcony and sit through the last couple of hours of my class with a cigar. It worked, and I was able to get through the rest of the day by having a shake at 5:15pm and then another when I came in from Sophie’s walk at 9:45pm.

    My plan for today is to stay on track and do exactly what I did yesterday. I am not teaching in the evening, but I will make sure I can stay busy and keep my mind occupied. I suspect there might be a cigar or two in that plan. I just want to get back to my best recent weight so that when I pick Leslie up from the airport I will look as good as I can, in addition to feeling as good about myself as I can. I never feel good in the knowledge that I have failed in something.

    I have had this text open for a while and have been half writing, half listening to my class for the last hour. I am going to try to do my best today as I can… I did it yesterday so I can do it today, right?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 578

    Today is the day that I am going to get back on track. I have been asked to audit a class this week (one that I have taught many times before) which means that I will be sitting at my desk all week during the day, in addition to teaching Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings. As well, my gorgeous wife arrives Wednesday evening and will be my encouragement on the program… as I will be hers. I expect that this week I shall be able to record at least some weight loss.

  • Day 577

    I had an epiphany last night. Wednesday my buddy came over. We talked about food… and I started falling off the program day after day. I went to his house yesterday and we once again talked about food. I fell off the program worse. I think the first thing I have to do is stop talking to people about food. I am going to try that for the next few days.