Losing a part of me

Tag: education

  • 2026 Day 30

    This morning’s exam is behind me. I have no idea how I did it, but I passed. It is the eleventh straight exam that I passed (dating to May of last year), and extends my current streak to 32 of 35 exams passed dating back to November of 2017. The pass streak of eleven exams surpasses my previous best streak which was ten exams (nine of which were technical) from November/2017 through June/2020. I am also confident in saying that unlike that previous streak, this one included four of the most difficult exams I have ever sat. I definitely get to celebrate today.

    With that said, I am exhausted. I was in bed by 9:00pm last night (in anticipation of the 4:30am alarm that I set), but it took me three hours to fall asleep. My eyes popped open five minutes before the alarm (which is good) and I was out of bed and ‘at it’ with plenty of time to spare. According to my fitness watch my sleep score was an abysmal 50 based on 3h59m of actual sleep. I am glad that I did a few things last night that would otherwise have had to be done this morning – I cleaned off the table and set up my testing environment, and I prepared my coffee machine so that when I woke up I just had to press the button. I also ran through the pre-test verification procedures that are required before taking an on-line proctored exam. I would usually be more cavalier about that, but realizing that the testing platform was completely new to me I decided to not take any chances… and it turns out it was the right decision!

    Following the exam completion I wrote a couple of emails to people who needed to know immediately (which was accompanied by my morning meal replacement shake and half a cup of coffee), and then went to my neighbour’s to pick up Her Floofness. We went out for a walk that was longer than most from the last few weeks, but still much shorter than usual. I hope that within a week or two the weather will be consistently better and we will be able to resume our usual morning walking routine. As there is another deep freeze predicted for the weekend, I know it will not be before Tuesday… by which point I will be back to teaching overnight for the week, so that might have to wait for next weekend.

    In the meantime, while the winds are forecast to pick up around dinner time, the forecast high for this afternoon is a balmy -2°… which means that unless the forecast is wrong, or if something comes up between now and then, I will be able to sit outside on the balcony with a cigar for an hour or two. I have not done that since the cold spells began several weeks ago, and I am looking forward to it!

    I did not step onto the bathroom scale this morning, but I can’t imagine I would have liked what I saw. I was very bad yesterday. The stress of the exam I was preparing for (which, despite being related to information security, was quite a bit outside of my usual comfort zone) had me stressed, and I stress-ate. That included carbs and starches, in addition to more chicken than I normally would eat to make positive progress. I will do better today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1319

    Sunday of the long weekend, and the last day of August. Tomorrow is Labour Day, and the unofficial end of the summer. What a season it has been.

    My summer has been far more productive than I thought it would be. For one thing, I did a lot more teaching than I had expected. Yes, most of my classes are booked within a week or two before the start date, but summers are usually slow. The fact that I taught three complete week-long classes and had five more days of 1- and 3-day classes since June 30 means that it was a very productive summer. However, if we add to that the fact that I have passed four certification exams since June 15 (including three major ones) and this summer vaults to the high end of productive and successful.

    While I consider my weight loss a complete shambles, I still weigh 22 lbs. less than I did on July 1… had my supplier not run out of meal replacements I know that I would be much further ahead… but here I am. I would rather be 22 lbs. less than two months ago than exactly where I was… or worse.

    In some respects the summer was a resounding success. Do I wish my life had not fallen apart? Yes… but that had nothing to do with the summer. Life is what it is… and I am going to continue to slog along. The last three certifications that I earned – SecurityX (Advanced Security Practitioner), Microsoft Cybersecurity Architect (Expert), and Certified Information Systems Security Professional (CISSP) – are going to mean a huge boost to my career; the classes that I can teach are more in demand at the higher level, and the daily rate is much higher, and when I do decide to take a job (when my whole situation starts to stabilize) I will be worth a lot (with a much higher demand). At least there’s that.

    I certainly do not have all of my ducks in a row… but at least I have a lot of them lined up. What is next? I don’t know… but one thing I can say is that my life is never boring. Just once I wish it were.

    Have a great long weekend folks.

  • Day 1317

    If you are wondering why I have been so distracted these last few days, let me assure you that it was not because I was being lazy. The following came up (one externally, one internally) since Tuesday:

    • Because I am teaching the Microsoft Cybersecurity Architect course next week, I decided that I wanted the certification. A brief explanation: The course is Microsoft’s SC-100, which corresponds directly to the exam of the same number. This will be the second time that I am teaching the class, and I passed the exam a few months ago in advance of teaching it. However, after I passed the exam, I realized that I had not earned the certification – I had only passed the exam. The certification requires one of three or four other exams. Okay, that’s fine… I’d get around to it. Well, Tuesday I decided to book one of the other exams for today at noon. That exam is SC-300: Microsoft Identity and Access Administrator. I spent most of the last three days studying for that exam.
    • In the meantime, one of the training companies that I do a lot of work for called me sometime over the last couple of days and asked if I would be willing to learn another course (Cloud Security Alliance’s Certificate of Competence in Zero Trust) so that I could take the exam sometime in advance of teaching it the week after next. The courseware is only 340 pages.

    So yes, I have been working my furry little tail off. This afternoon I passed the exam (yay). One of the training brokers that I do a lot of work for had asked me five minutes before I sat down for the exam if I would send my latest curriculum vitae, and so before I did… I edited it to add this new certification, as well as the one that I earned a few weeks ago, to it.

    I had just pressed Send on the email when I saw another email come into my box. I immediately re-emailed him to tell him to delete it. After five weeks of waiting, I received at that very moment the confirmation of my ISC2 Certified Information Security Professional (CISSP) credential. I had been waiting eagerly for that, and I re-did my CV and resent the email.

    I have neither gained nor lost significant weight this week. The status quo is better than regression; next week I need to start losing weight again.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1280 – Afternoon

    I still cannot believe it.

    I left home at 11:15am so that I would be at the testing centre thirty minutes before the scheduled start time of noon (that is not only recommended, but ISC2 states that if you are not at least fifteen minutes early then you are considered late). I was driving down Walker’s Line when I realized that I had not taken my meal replacement shake with me, which had been my plan. With all of the stress and anxiety in my gut, I did not want to make things any worse by going into the exam room hungry. I stopped at a convenience store and picked up a sleeve of peanuts. They did not have any unsalted peanuts, and I know I will be paying for that tomorrow morning when I step onto the scale. With my emotional turmoil I decided that was a problem I was willing to live with. I even splurged… seeing that the nutritional facts were pretty close, I picked the salt and vinegar flavour.

    The staff were welcoming and helpful, but that would not be helping me to get through the next two hours. They had me take off my watch, ring, and my dogtag (although they let me keep my chai necklace), and empty my pockets of everything except my drivers license. It all went into a locker and I was escorted to the exam room.

    As I sat at the computer at the testing centre filling out the post-exam survey, I was trying to think how much more studying I would need to do before I would be confident that I was ready to re-sit the exam. I clicked ‘End Survey.’ I raised my hand to call the proctor over. She had me rescan my palm print, checked my ID, and escorted me out of the room.

    As I was reasonably certain that I would not like what I would see on the score report, I did not mind that the administrator told me to collect my things from my locker before collecting it. I was actually relieved by this because I was extremely thirsty, and along with my wallet, watch, keys, and jewelry I had also left the half-bottle of water that I was drinking as I arrived.

    ‘Congratulations! We are please to inform you that you have provisionally passed the Certified Information Systems Security Professional (CISSP®) examination. Your examination result is provisional in that it may be subject to further psychometric and forensic evaluation before a certification decision is reached.’

    I did not even read past the first word… my mind exploded with relief. Unlike last week, I did not wake up this morning with that sense of peace that came with the acceptance that I was unlikely to pass and that it did not matter. I was stressed, I was anxious, and I was frazzled. I wrote in my journal this morning that I was a bit out of sorts and that I had not slept well. All true. I walked into the exam room with that same heavy weight that I have been carrying on my shoulders for… how long? I don’t even know.

    I have another high-stress situation that came up this morning, but that is going on the back-burner until Friday. This evening I am going to go for a walk, then I am kicking my feet up and relaxing. Tomorrow I have several engagements that will keep me busy, but none of them are stressful – three meetings with friends for either coffee (the two in the morning) or cigars (the evening, and my cleaning lady is coming between those. On Friday I will deal with the bullshit.

  • Day 1272 – Afternoon

    I did not pass my exam.

    In my defense, I also did not fail my exam. I arrived at the testing centre as prepared as I could be, perfectly at peace in the knowledge that I very well might (dare I say would probably) fail the exam. At least I would know what I was up against, and what my shortcomings were. I would then come back home and relax for a couple of days… and then I would reschedule the exam (at great expense, but leave that for now) for sometime in August or September, and I would continue studying… with greater focus on the areas that I needed to focus on. Because I was comfortable knowing that I would probably not pass, I was just glad that the stress and anxiety would be behind me.

    I drove into the parking lot, I paid for parking. I walked into the building and walked down the long corridor (I have been here before so while I forgot what floor it was on, I at least knew my way there). In the hallway there were emergency lights blinking… not a good sign. I got to the elevator and a building maintenance manager flagged me to get my attention. There had been an electrical issue that was not resolved and was deemed to be a safety issue; the building had been evacuated. It did not bode well for a quick turnaround that I did not see any large groups of students or workers congregating outside of the building waiting for the all-clear signal to return to their classes or offices or whatever. The maintenance manager told me that the power company had to come in to do a safety inspection on a transformer, and if that was the case then it was highly unlikely that anyone was going back to work today.

    I stood outside the front door of the building and logged onto the testing centre website to try to reschedule. With any luck, they would be able to book me for the next hour at a test site within short driving distance (there is one that is a 20-25 minute drive from where I was standing). Why did I do this all standing outside the front door? It was the only shaded area, and while I love the sun my smartphone screen does not, and would have a) been hard to read with my polarized sunglasses, and b) would have, within a few minutes, have gone into sum/heat protection mode (I do not know what the actual term is) which would dim the brightness to the point of near-illegibility. I logged into the site, paid my dues chatting with their AI chatbot, and then finally was chatting with a person. I never expected they would be able to accommodate that quick reschedule, but hope springs eternal. SPOILER ALERT: I was right and they did not.

    While I knew that would likely not happen I was at least hoping they could reschedule me for tomorrow… or later in the week… or next week. They could do none of that. In fact, the global body for the testing centre had not been informed that the local testing centre was evacuated so they are not even sure that I will get a replacement voucher (the exam costs USD$750) in order to reschedule it. As I type this it is two hours after my original exam time and at least three hours after the building was evacuated and there is still no indication (either from the testing centre or from the local news) that there was anything, so I am starting to sweat about that…

    When I got home I called them, and they told me to call the testing organization (Pearson Vue administers tests for hundreds of organizations and I would need to escalate to the certifying body). At least they gave me a direct phone number… it astounds me how difficult it is to find someone to speak with these days.

    After several minutes on hold with the ISC2 (that’s the certifying body) I spoke with a very nice and sympathetic gentleman named Edgar who promised to escalate my case and assured me that the team he was escalating to would help me to reschedule. When? That’s a good question… it might take 3-5 business days for them to get back to me with my rescheduling voucher and then it might take another 2-3 weeks for a free appointment at the testing centre.

    What does all of that mean?

    1. I am obviously no further ahead on my certification than I was when I woke up this morning.
    2. The anxiety and stress that I have been experiencing over this exam is still with me, but now instead of having a set date when I would be past it, I have another unknown which might be… who knows when.
    3. Instead of coming home with the exam behind me I know I will now be continuing to study until… WHENEVER THE F&CK THEY LET ME TAKE THE EXAM.
    4. Instead of coming home and booking airfare to Newfoundland to go visit friends, I am… well, NOT doing that.
    5. Instead of going to my Provincial Lodge event tomorrow (and hopefully smoking an extremely fine cigar to celebrate passing) I am staying home and studying.

    …the list goes on. This literally screwed up the rest of my summer.

    So why, you may ask, am I writing this here? Because it was all that I could do to not stop off at a pub and order two pounds of chicken wings. I was so sorely tempted, knowing how f&cked things are, to throw my hands in the air and to give up. I did not do that. I came home, made my phone calls, and then sat at the computer to type this. Once again, something else blew up the next few weeks of my life… but this time I was able to stay on track. How? I have no idea.

    This evening I will be smoking cigars on the balcony. I suspect I will take the night off from studying, and might even rent and stream the new Karate Kid movie. If I can be strong then I will not open a bottle of scotch (which right now I am sorely tempted to do). Tomorrow I will resume my studies and will wait… I was about to say wait patiently, but who are we kidding? I will wait very impatiently to hear back from ISC2 so that I can rebook the exam. The absolute earlies that might happen would be late next week but I doubt I will be able to book before the week after. Yay to two more weeks of my anxiety stress and dialed to a fourteen.

    …and I know that when I finally do walk into the testing centre it will take every bit of willpower for me to not yell at them that the least they could have done was phoned in that they were evacuated so I would have received an email canceling and I would not have driven down there and paid for parking. I have this image of a kid from a movie in the 1980s who is trying to collect for his paper route and keeps yelling ‘I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!’ Yes, parking cost me all of $7 but that is a very small cherry on top of the very large heap of shite that this inconvenience caused.

  • Day 1197

    Today is Yom Ha’Aztzmaut, the Israeli Day of Independence. I have a lot to do, mostly in preparation for the most useless exam I have to take tomorrow. It is a certification exam for the class that I am teaching next week, and it earns you a certification that I earned nearly six years ago and have maintained ever since. The customer wants that exact exam on my transcript, so here I sit going over some of the minutia that might come up on the exam. It could be worse.

    My original plan was to skip my Lodge’s Meeting of General Purpose this evening so that I could attend the Yom Ha’Atzmaut celebrations in Hamilton. Unfortunately, I can no longer do that, as one of the members of the Lodge passed away this week. To make it slightly more complicated, he is the brother with whom I had a very contentious relationship, and while I disagreed with him and a lot of what he said and did, I want to be there to express my sadness of his passing. At this evening’s meeting we will be discussing the details of his Masonic Funeral which are extremely important, and I will not miss the meeting.

    I am trying to cope… I do not know if it is working, but I am trying everything that I can. This morning (after Her Floofness and I came back from our walk) I went to the fridge to start preparing my breakfast, and I remembered that I used the last of the eggs yesterday. Despite my stress, anxiety, despair, and depression I am going to try once again to get back onto a program of some sort. I am going to have one midday meal, but other than that I am going to have only the meal replacement shakes. I hope that I can stick to it this time. How easy should it be to stay true? In a vacuum it would be simple. In my current reality? Not so simple. Putting one foot in front of the other isn’t simple… staying alive is not so simple. I have to try,