Losing a part of me

Tag: Fitness

  • Day 14 – Achievement unlocked

    The achievement that I unlocked is not a weight loss milestone… although I probably hit a couple of those in the last days. I am proud of myself that I got through yesterday on five meal replacements – 800 calories on the day – and nothing more.

    I had a shake for breakfast, and then did a whole lot of organization in my bedroom, finally making real progress (I’ve only lived here three months!) to it being liveable and presentable. It was 2:30pm before I realized it, and I had a bowl of stew (which was better than I’d expected) and then a smores bar for a dessert.

    I went to the cigar lounge for a couple of hours and chatted with some of the guys there. I knew I was going to go to the bar in the evening, but I wanted to go home to see the new shelving unit that my son picked up and put together for me – it is an Ikea unit so there were no surprises, and of course he did a fine job of assembling it. I had a bowl of tortilla soup, and as I was getting ready to leave the house I decided to grab another meal replacement bar; I would not eat it right away, but I felt that it was smart to have in the car in case I got peckish before it was time to come home.

    My friend Al joined me at the bar after the cigar lounge closed, We smoked another cigar, and then as we left the bar I told him that I was looking forward to devouring the bar that was in my car, which is exactly what I did. It was delicious, or maybe just seemed so because I was so hungry.

    I got into bed at around midnight, I watched a little bit of television, and then I turned out the lights around 1am… without eating anything more.

    I was not sure how difficult the transition was going to be from 900 calories to 800 calories, and especially knowing that I had not been following the original program very well. Yesterday I proved to myself that I can do it… and I will continue to try to do the program without incorporating peanuts or almonds… and especially without plates of pasta from my favourite Italian restaurant.

    Today is the last day of my second week on the program. My weight is down about twenty pounds in that time which means that I am about thirty pounds from achieving my goal of fifty pounds by New Years Day. I know of course that the pace of weight loss will abate greatly now – otherwise I would be on track to lose more than sixty pounds in that time – but it should still be doable. If previous attempts at this program are an indication then I can still expect to lose 6-7 pounds per week for the next couple of months. That would get me to exactly my goal by December 31st.

    What angers me is that I regained all of the weight I lost the last time… and the time before that. I have to find a way to meet my weight loss goals, and then to stay there permanently. It will involve serious lifestyle changes that will have to incorporate both diet and exercise. It will be a challenge. I have never shied away from a challenge.

    Have a great Sunday folks.

  • Day 1298

    I wrote yesterday that when I fell off the wagon on Friday, I bought enough chicken and vegetables for two days, in addition to a challah. What I forgot to mention (and this was a complete blank on my part – that’s what sleep deprivation can do) is that I also bought from the prepared food counter (never a good destination for a dieter) a container of onion rings. It was because I had forgotten about this major transgression that I had a bit of trouble accepting that my weight jumped two pounds day-over-day. Worse, I had gained 3.6 lbs. in four days. As soon as I remembered that, it all made sense.

    I weighed myself twice this morning – once before taking Princess Sophie for her walk, and once after we got home; I had made coffee, I had prepared my meal replacement shake, I had sat down at the computer, and I had even typed in the first couple of sentences of this article before the urge hit. A productive bowel movement was just what the doctor ordered. Not only do I feel better, but instead of the .2 lb. drop from my first encounter with the bathroom scale, the drop from yesterday is now 1.4 lbs.; that is a good start, but I still have 2.2 lbs. from what I weighed five days ago.

    Yesterday was the first day in a month that I did not have a single meal replacement. For breakfast, I had challah with margarine. When I was finished eating, I removed the remaining challah from the bag… and threw it in the garbage. Just having it around would be too tempting. Around 2:30 I prepared the remaining chicken and salad. After running an errand, I picked up a handful of peanuts, and four dried peaches. That was it. I am done.

    This morning is not a new Day 1. Rather, it is Day 32… knowing that I fell off for two of those days.

    In addition to being able to void my system, I can also brag this morning of a wonderful night sleep. According to my fitness watch, my sleep score of 92 is the result of 8h55m of balanced and optimal sleep stages. After the last week, as well as knowing what is ahead of me, I am relieved. It was very much needed!

    It is going to be a beautiful day today… hot and sunny, with a high of 32°. I will spend most of the day at my computer preparing for my class which starts tomorrow… or should I say because of the time zone shift… at 2:00am tonight. That means that for Day 1 (which is tonight) I need to be online at 1:00am. Yes, I have now set my alarm for 12:30am for tomorrow, and 1:00am for the rest of the week… and the next week. Oh what fun we will have! I have friends who work the night shift on a regular basis, so I have nothing to complain about. I actually enjoy it to a degree… but the transition can be less than fun.

    The course that I am teaching is a very advanced cybersecurity class, and I am really looking forward to it. This will be the first time I have taught the course, thus why I will spend the day going over the material and the labs. It will be exhilarating to be sure… but every time I teach a new course – especially one at this level – I get a bit nervous. Proper Planning Prevents Poor Performance, right? That’s my plan.

    My plan for the week is to stay on my program… and to try to shift my circadian rhythm for the fortnight. In other words: When I wake up at 12:30am it will be my early morning. After getting dressed I will have my breakfast shake… let’s call that 1:15am. When my class breaks for lunch I will take Princess Sophie for her walk, and on my return I will have my midday meal replacement… we should get back from that walk at around 6:45am. Class ends at 11:00am, and I will spend the next 30 minutes reading and answering emails. I will probably need until noon to deal with everything else that is on my plate. At that point I will have meal replacement number three. I have a few things to deal with in the afternoon, but by 4:30pm I should be able to have my fourth and final meal replacement. I will take Princess Sophie out for our second walk of the day, and when we get home it will be time to go to sleep so that I can hopefully get seven good hours of it.

    That is the goal. Will I be able to stick to it? I do not know. I always underestimate the challenges posed by the transition from a diurnal to a nocturnal lifestyle. All I know is that I will do my best.

    Speaking of doing my best… it’s time to hit the books. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1271

    I do not remember at what point I stopped updating my offline journal – that is, the one large document that included all of the posts from my online blog – but it occurs to me that I should seriously think about going back and updating it. I do not really want to see a lot of the worst of my entries from the deepest times of despair, but I suppose I can just copy-and-paste without reading them. We will see. That will not happen before Thursday – today is my last complete day to study for my exam which is at 1:00pm tomorrow afternoon, so my main focus until after the exam will be that. Wednesday I will be at a provincial Grand Lodge event, which takes us to Thursday.

    I should mention that I did resume updating my weight tracking spreadsheet from my bathroom scale. That is much easier to do, and does not involve going to each individual day to cop-paste. All I needed to do was to expert all data from the scale since the beginning of April and then copy-paste that into my spreadsheet.

    The new shirts and jacket that I ordered are out for delivery according to FedEx, and I will have them in time for my event on Wednesday. That is a relief. While I do have a suit that I can wear, it is tight and I will feel more comfortable wearing something that is tailored to my size. The disturbing truth is that from the day the tailor measured me for these new clothes I gained over ten pounds… that is just over a month ago. Fortunately I have these last five days lost all of that. Phew! As terrible as I feel that I needed to have bigger clothes made, that would have been amplified had they now been tight.

    Yes, today is Day 5, and according to the bathroom scale I have dropped a little over ten pounds. I am pleased but far from satisfied. I have a long way to go, as I said yesterday, until I am anywhere near satisfied. Maybe ‘satisfied with my progress so far’ is a better way to write that.

    I need to start exercising in order to make sure I continue to not only lose weight, but also to ensure I get back into shape. My doctor will tell you that I am in great shape for a man a fucking overweight as I am (she would not use those exact words), but that is not good enough for me. I would like to run a marathon next year. Before I do that, I need to start walking again before I can start jogging again. I am going to wait a couple of weeks before jogging for a number of reasons, but as for walking I might start as early as Thursday, depending on the weather. Yes, I have a treadmill… but if the weather is nice I would much rather begin my journey again in the fresh air.

    My sleep score last night was equal to the previous night. I suspect that if I was not drinking what amounts to a small swimming pool every day it might be a bit higher… but alas, I am going to continue to drink as much water as I can. Water is great for the body, but it is also a big contributor to weight loss… even if it did not help to fill my occasionally hungry stomach. I only woke up three times to pee in the night last night which is a 25% improvement over the two previous nights.

    I did finally move my bowels yesterday which was a relief (no pun intended). I neglected to add fibre to my morning meal replacement, but will make a point of doing so this afternoon.

    Owing to something I needed to get done for a buddy yesterday, I was not as productive as I would have liked to be. I did get some studying done… but not as much as I hoped to. Today there will be no disturbances, and that is what I am going to do.

    There are so many things I probably should do with regard to tracking my renewed weight loss efforts, but I am not ready to do that yet. I know that my Body Mass Index (BMI) is a disgusting 42.6, up twelve points from my best ever in October 2023. I have to assume that means that I would again be classified as morbidly obese, but looking to see at what point I would drop out of that… I am not ready for that. I know that I need to set short, medium, and long-term goals for myself, but for the time being I just want to follow the program like an automaton. I will drink my meal replacements and do nothing more other than journal about my emotions.

    The friend who came over yesterday is one of two who has gone through the same medically supervised program that I did. He understands a lot of what I am going through. He and his wife went through it and they lost a lot of weight. It is good to have people that I can speak with who have been there.

    My only plans to go out today are to go to the store to pick up milk for my coffee. Other than that, I expect I will migrate between my desk and my balcony, studying either inside or outside. I will continue to try stabilizing the timing of my meal replacements, which might be easier today at home than tomorrow (when I have my exam) and Wednesday (when I will likely be in Toronto for the day). Speaking of which, I had better remember to bring my meal replacements with me if I go to Toronto… I do not want to be caught having to break the program as I am still trying to make it a habit… and while I am doing so well.

    While I have felt hunger at times, I suspect that yesterday was the first day that I did not consider the program (which is by any measure extreme) a hardship. I was able to get through it without a great deal of difficulty. There have been times these last few days when cigars have helped to distract me from my hunger, and I will continue to use them as a tool. I was going to use the word crutch but no, it is not a crutch. I am not leaning on them, rather I am using them to bridge the hunger meal replacements, much as a snack might bridge the hunger between meals.

    I have said before that forcing a happy face when one is down can be a way to actually induce the happiness eventually. I am trying to put on that positive and happy air these days, and I hope that after tomorrow’s exam I might start to feel it. Until then? The exam and its implications are all consuming.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1231

    I know I keep saying this but I need to get back on track. What do I need:

    • My work life needs to be on track
    • My eating and weight loss (somewhat of a joke these last few months) needs to get back on track
    • My exercise – nearly nonexistent this last year – needs to get back on track

    I am not even going to address my emotional issues… more on that later.

    My work life, which had been a disaster for months until February, seems to be back on track. January was still not a great month but things picked up a little at the end, and I got through the first two months of the year by the skin of my teeth. March, April, and May were all banner months, and so far I have courses booked for June, July, and August – traditionally very slow months in my industry, so I am relieved that I will have continuous income throughout the summer – and if it is slightly lower than the last few months then that is still far better than nothing.

    My eating and my exercise are probably quite closely tied together, and finding my way back on track with those is also tied to (although not at all related to the cause of) my emotional issues. I know I have to get back on track but I am not sure whether I have the strength right now. There are some days that it is all I can do to get out of bed. At the same time I am extremely upset about my body so I know that I need to get back on track. I have lost so much of the incredible work that I did which took me so long to do. I am hoping that with the warmer weather finally upon us that maybe I will be able to drag myself out of the house for a walk if not a jog quite yet.

    My life is the total shite right now and I have to either get out of my funk or I don’t know what is going to happen. For those of you wondering, yes I know how terrible the grammar of that last sentence is… I just do not have the energy to try to fix it.

    I slept a lot last night, but I did not feel refreshed in the morning. My fitness watch backed that up. Sigh.

  • Day 1174

    Holy crap it is cold out there. Yesterday afternoon I joked with someone that if there was any more inclement weather this season it would be my fault because I had my winter tyres switched out for the summer tyres Monday morning. we laughed ironically in the way we would when we blame someone who had their car washed for the rain. We probably should have checked the forecast before laughing.

    As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep last night I could not help but notice the howling winds outside. It sounded like we might see the Wicked Witch of the West searching for her sister’s feet under neighbourhood houses this morning. I figured at least the storm was blowing through in the night, and should be passed in the morning. No such luck.

    As I dressed to take Her Floofness out this morning, I checked the weather as I always do. The temperature was a brisk (sic!) -6°, but with the high winds (with gusts up to 50km/h) the windchill would make it feel like -17°. Just to clarify, we are in the second week of April, and no, this is not normal. Our walk was not as long as it usually would be on a clear spring morning.

    After a disastrous night the previous night, I did take a couple of naps yesterday and was able to make it through my class. When I laid my head down on my pillow last night, I had plenty on my mind… and none of it was good. I did not expect much, but when I woke up this morning I could not remember waking up in the night. My sleep score was 87, and while I only slept 7 hours it was quite restorative. I am now eager to attack today with gusto!

    What do I have going on today? I have to pack my car and drive to the other side of Toronto to check into my hotel. I will pick up my dry cleaning on the way, but until 6:30pm (when I am meeting a friend for dinner) I have nothing to rush. I do have some work that I would like to get done, so I might do that before hitting the road. We will see.

    The week before last I was a bit off my game, and the instructor evaluations for the class I taught reflected that. I knew going into last week’s class that I needed to redeem myself, and I think I did. This morning I was able to review my evals for last week’s class and not only did the numbers reflect my success, but some of the student comments absolutely made my morning. A couple that stood out:

    “(Mitch) has been an amazing instructor and i will remember these past 5 days due to how engaging he has been. I took this course a few years back and i can hands down say he is my favorite teacher! 100 stars if i could”

    “Mitch is a seasoned instructor with excellent delivery of information. He is able to provide examples and definitions. He has character and charisma. Mitch is probably the best instructor that I’ve had to date, he keeps me captivated and engaged, he’s able to take something boring and make it interesting. He both asks and answers questions from students, he is very dedicated to the subject which he teaches and has a delivery of the subject that is better than any instructor that I’ve had in my life.”

    “Thank you for the great examples you gave in class. When I took a practice test for Security+, I remember them, and they helped me to answer the questions more easily. Your way of teaching really helped me understand the material better.”

    “Mitch needs a raise”

    These were, it should be mentioned, from four different students. Even so, not everyone was 100% satisfied… I just don’t know why not because he or she did not leave a comment. Oh well.

    The sun is shining bright through my window and I have to remember that were I to step outside I would be blown away and frozen solid. Okay that is an exaggeration, but it is cold and not exactly ‘walking outside comfortably’ weather. I hope the wind will abate by this evening so I might be able to enjoy a cigar outside my hotel… if not? it will not be the end of the world.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1154

    I did better yesterday than I had the previous day, but I still have work to do before I am in top form on my program. My weight, which was up a pound yesterday, is now down two pounds this morning. I am reminded that it is not the points on the graph, but rather the trend that matters. With that said, I have to keep the trend going or else it is a huge failure.

    The meal replacements that I ordered Monday are due to arrive today, and I am stocked up to hit the ground running upon my return from Montreal Tuesday afternoon. While I am still planning to work at it until I leave, I know that on my trip (Saturday through Tuesday) I will be a giant ball of anxiety and stress, and expecting to stay true to the program is not reasonable. I set that expectation before I posted my ‘No Groceries’ calendar on the inside of my door. While I am not going to go crazy with eating and snacking, I am also not going to try to consume only meal replacements. Yes, I will take some with me. No, I am not planning on sticking to the program. That will begin in earnest Wednesday.

    Spring is in the air, and my walk with Her Floofness this morning was quite pleasant. That being said, every year Canadians experience their first warm days in March and are then shocked to find out that we are not quite done with winter weather until mid-April. With today’s forecast high temperatures of 18°, some may think that it is time to store their coats in the cellar and to change out their winter tyres. They do not notice that tomorrow’s forecast low is the freezing point, and by Saturday and Sunday that drops further to -6°. The forecast for Montreal for the duration of my stay predicts a maximum high of 7° and a low of -9°. I am not even making the appointment to change my tyres until that is in my rearview mirror.

    With all that, it was still nice to walk through the park this morning unmolested by ice and snow and slush. What were extremely hazardous walking paths a few short days ago are now mostly dry with the occasional puddle or wet patch. It is a relief to not worry about injuring oneself due to slipping and falling as a price for walking my dog through the park. While I am sad that I will be stuck behind my computer for most of the day and evening, I do plan to spend my lunch break on the balcony… and that door will be open to allow Princess Sophie to sit out and bask in the sun as she watches over her subjects walking through her realm.

    My weight is still way too far above the terrible mark, but I have a plan. That is important. My first short-term goals are to drop below that permanently, and to hopefully drop below 290 lbs. by April 11th – the night of my Lodge’s banquet.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1054

    By all rights my weight should have been up this morning, and not down .6 lb. From yesterday morning. But for a very late delivery guy I would have gained two pounds. I was weak, and when Ryan ordered the pizza, I was really looking forward to having a slice… or two. Fortunately, ninety minutes after he ordered them, they had not yet arrived, and I decided to take my leave. I enjoyed a protein bar in the car, and an omelette when I got home. Yes, I ate some peanuts and even a little popcorn throughout the day, and that was bad. Pizza would have been a disaster. 

    Following my dinner, I got onto the treadmill and jogged 5km. It was the third day in a row that I jogged, and the second that I completed 5km. I am quite happy with that and will try to continue to do that. My next goal is to start increasing the speed and distance… although not necessarily at the same time. I did kick up the pace for the last .2km, but that is not the same. I want to increase my maintained speed, rather than just ‘sprinting’ the last few metres. It will not be a quick increase, but if I do it gradually over time then I will be happy with my results. At my current pace of 4mph I would need over 6.5 hours to run a marathon. By increasing my pace to 5mph that would drop to 5.24 hours. I would still not qualify for the Boston Marathon, but I would be thrilled with myself if I could do that. 

    I am teaching today until 4:30pm, and then I have to go to the supermarket to pick up eggs, milk, and one or two other provisions. I will try to be good and not buy any cheats. At 7:00pm I am visiting a lodge in Burlington with a friend. I have never been to this lodge, but it is much closer to me than my own. By all rights that is where I probably should have joined, but I had my friends at my lodge and here we are. It should be a fun evening. I just have to remember to not eat! 

    My current steps-goal streak is nine days. I am not sure when I will be able to get onto the treadmill, but I will do my best to do so either before or after my lodge visit. I would love to extend the streak to ten days. Actually, according to my fitness watch my longest streak is sixteen days, and I would love to be able to beat that… but I am going to do it one day at a time, which means for today extending my current streak to ten days… and then tomorrow will be tomorrow’s problem. 

    I spoke with a buddy yesterday and we decided that later this week (probably Friday) we are going to drive down to Niagara Falls, NY for the day. We both have a few parcels to ship, and as Canada Post is on strike, there is no inexpensive way to ship anything to the USA. Maybe we will make a day of it (and not just run across and back like our last trip), but if we do then I had better plan ahead. To that end, I now have three protein bars in the armrest of my car so that if I do get hungry, I do not have to settle for foods that are incompatible with my weight loss goals. 

    I started this entry at 8:15am. It is now 12:30pm and we broke for lunch. It has been a pretty easy morning – I am teaching a very high-level overview of a technology that I know, and we will not be getting deep into anything. I just finished my afternoon meal replacement shake and so far, I am feeling satisfied. I hope that continues for the next few hours. If I could get through to the end of class before needing another meal replacement, and then when I get home from the Burlington lodge, I can hit the treadmill for 5km and then have my final mean replacement, then I will have succeeded 100% in my goals for the day… which is to say that I will not have cheated, and I will have had the necessary nutrition, and I will meet my steps/exercise goal. That is the plan. 

    We know, of course, that the best laid plans of mice and men do not always work out… but I am going to try. 

    Have a great day folks!