Losing a part of me

**I am writing this entry for many reasons, but part of it is because it might be easy for most of my readers to think that I am always upbeat, even when I am failing. I try to maintain a positive mindset. Today I am failing, but that is okay… tomorrow will be better. It is also okay to feel down and depressed… and not to cheat. -MDG

I was trying to think when was the last time I wrote two journal entries in a single day. I certainly cannot think of the last time I did so because of how sad and depressed I was feeling. Today has just been a really hard day.

I honestly did not even realize it for most of the day. I wrote my article in the morning. I went out to the balcony with my cup of coffee and a cigar, and I put my ears in to watch TV for a bit. After my cigar, I prepared my meal replacement shake, which I also enjoyed on the balcony. I recited the grace after meals, washed my dishes. I was just going to select another cigar, but I decided to spend twenty minutes organizing the trays of my humidor. I then selected a cigar, I poured a glass of iced tea, and I continued to watch TV on the balcony. Following the cigar, I decided to go into the house and possibly nap for a little while. I did not fall asleep, but I lay in bed and continued to watch TV.

I just had no drive to be productive. I did not want to go for a walk. I did not want to read a book. I did not want to study. I had zero drive.

Around 8:00pm Leslie texted me, and we chatted for a bit about the difficulties we are faced with on this program, and how hard it is. Earlier in the day she had told me that it was one of the hardest things she has ever done. I agree with her. She has to take care of her son, and that involves feeding him… and that involves smelling the foods that he eats. It is the smells that can kill you on this program.

Here’s the thing… if you read everything that I ate today, you will notice that there was no cheating. The only omission is the meal replacement I had at 8:30pm, which I actually prepared and drank after I wrote that paragraph. I have not cheated at all today, and I am not actually hungry.

What makes the program so hard is that last sentence, which is actually just the first part of it. The complete sentence should read: I am not actually hungry, but I want to eat anyways. Why do I want to eat? I suppose that is the $64,000 question. To quote Leslie’s question from our chat: ‘Bored, lonely, sad, depressed, angry?’ The answer? Yes. To be fair, I am not bored so much as my mouth is bored. I am lonely because my wife lives in another country, and we cannot always be together. I am sad not only because of that, but because I started thinking about my relationship with my children, and a bunch of other things. Depressed because… well, maybe I should not add depressed and sad; depression for some people is chemical, but I think my down is just sadness. Angry because I had been doing so well, but I threw that away yesterday and could not control myself. Granted, in days past I would have done much more damage. I only had about 3oz of steak, no potato, one corn on the cob (in season it is absolutely so heavenly), some potato chips, some popcorn, and some blueberries. Yes, it was bad. Yes, I fell off the wagon. Yes, I am bloody well angry with myself over it. Anyhow, all of these and more are reasons I wanted to devour all sorts of food today, and by not doing so, I suppose I was fixating on it, and that vicious cycle made it a very hard day.

I hope tomorrow will be easier. I will have my omelette in the morning and then study for a couple of hours, and then in the afternoon Lyle is coming over, and Michael might come as well. I am teaching in the evening. After my morning bathroom ritual, I will step onto the scale and see that I lost the weight that I gained this morning… or at least most of it. It will be a better day than today.

It will have to be.