Losing a part of me

My weight dropped below 250 this morning which was a nice relief. I still weigh 11 lbs. more than my best weight ever (which was over a month ago), but at least I dropped back below that horrible mark. Now all I have to do is work to stay there.

My diet buddy and I were speaking this morning and she asked me what I plan to do with regards to eating while my friend is in town. I told her that for the time being my biggest concerns are elsewhere; I am going to try to stay on track, but I suspect that for the two days that he is here that might be difficult… and of course there is the fact that I am in so much pain inside that I am just trying to keep it together. The fact that I have only had a single alcoholic drink these last three weeks is beyond belief.

I feel like a complete failure in so many ways and I just do not want to talk about it. I know that so many of my friends would be there for me if only I would reach out. For the time being I can count on a single hand how many people I have told of what’s going on. For someone who makes a point of always being there for my friends when they need help and support, I seem utterly uncapable of reaching out to them in my time of need. The fact that Jay is flying into town to support me reminds me that for the most part I have chosen my friends well. Through good times and bad…

I am trying to gird myself for one of the more emotionally difficult conversations that I will ever have tomorrow evening. At this point I do not know how it will go or what will come of it; I do not even know how I want it to go. I am only glad that when it is over, I will have a friend here who will help me after it is over.

I’ll see you tomorrow.