Losing a part of me

Category: Emotions

  • Day 1202

    Whatever else I could say about myself today, well rested is not on the list. I got a couple of hours of sleep yesterday afternoon, and then about ninety minutes of sleep last night. I am hoping that after today’s class I will be able to get a few hours… not having the evening class to teach will help. This week is not fun, but it is what i have to do to keep going.

    I know that however lousy I might feel about my situation, and I feel plenty lousy, it would be worse if I did not have my work to immerse myself into. I love my work, but I am also relieved that I am slowly paying down my debts which got a bit out of control during the four months that I was not working. It is a relief to be back on track.

    With that said, I am no happier than I was, and my emotional state is still in the toilet. I need to focus and find a way to get past it.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1171

    I am not having an easy time of it emotionally. I am doing my best to stay focused, and I am trying my best to stay on track with my program. It is mostly working, and my weight continues to drop day over day. I am seven pounds lighter than I was on Tuesday, but that still has me at a terrible number. The fact that my world seems to be falling apart around me does not make it easy to stay on track.

    I am looking ahead at the week, and I know that I will be in a hotel from Tuesday through Friday, and then Friday evening is my lodge’s banquet, and then Saturday evening is the first Passover seder. While I was hoping to be below 300 lbs. in time for the banquet that is not realistic, but I am hoping to at least continue to lose weight through my three days on the road. I know, it is strange that I will be ‘on the road’ in the same city, but that is the way it is when you live in a city this big.

    I have been taking it easy today, but in a couple of hours will head down to Grimsby to see a couple of friends.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1151

    One habit I am going to try to get back into, as I embark on this ‘No Groceries’ diet, is writing my journal article first thing in the morning (after my morning rituals, washroom, dog walking, and making coffee and my meal replacement). There have been too many days when I have forgotten, and it is meant to be a way for me to record my thoughts, emotions, and feelings to keep me honest. Not doing so every morning has led to where I ended up… and doing it half-assed is why I have spent most of the last four months hovering between 298 and 313 pounds. It is time for a reset, and I am going to give it my all.

    This morning, following my walk with Her Floofness, I had my first meal replacement shake. Okay, that is a lie; after I finished typing that sentence, I looked to my right and realized that I have taken three sips of it and am actually currently drinking my first meal replacement shake of the new regimen. I have some food that I will make for lunch, but I finished the eggs yesterday and am not going grocery shopping. Today is effectively Day 1 again.

    In the spirit of what I wrote in the first paragraph, I am feeling apprehensive. I do not know if I have the willpower to do it, and while I hope that I do, we all know that hope is not a strategy. I want to be able to fit into every shirt and jacket and suit and tuxedo and vest in my closet, and right now I do not. There is one suit that fits very tightly, and a few shirts that are still comfortable. None of my sports jackets fit, and only one of my vests fits. I have been wearing that vest over the few shirts that fit for every single class I have taught, and I am done with that. By next week I want to be able to wear the largest of my sports jackets. **Okay, I was wrong… kinda. The first of the sports jackets that I had made for me when I was first losing weight fits decently. I forgot about it because I had put it into a bag to donate in Cuba and forgot about it. I have not been back to Cuba for a year, so it has been sitting in my closet. Midway through writing this paragraph I pulled it out, tried it on, and then hung it up in the washroom. I also plugged in my hand steamer. When the steamer is heated up, I will steam the wrinkles out of it and will thus be able to wear it this week. I do not consider that any sort of victory, but at least I can give my vest a break.

    There are a couple of things that I need to remember to do while I am on the program. The first is to drink a lot of water; it is harder to remember to do that during the cold winter months, but as we slide into spring, I hope to be able to remember. The second is that I should be taking fibre. I had the jar of fibre powder on the counter this morning, but I still forgot to mix it into my meal replacement shake. I killed two birds with one stone by mixing a teaspoon of fibre into a glass of water and I downed it. Now I just have to remember to keep with it. Drinking a lot of water is one of the ways my body will flush some of the waste from my body. The fibre is important because as I curb and then cut out solid foods I want my bowels to stay regular. It is bad enough that there will be days when I do not move my bowels successfully; I remember how painful some of those movements can be, and I do not want to relive that!

    I do not know how long I will go. I know that next weekend I am driving to Montreal and do not plan to stick to the program during my four-day trip; the reason for my trip is too stress- and anxiety-ridden for me to even try. The next ‘break’ after that will be the weekend of April 11-12 because of the banquet and subsequent breakfast that I am obligated to attend, followed by that evening (Saturday) being the first Passover seder, and I will try to find one to attend. My hope is that after that I will have a box of matzah which I will enjoy for breakfast, but the rest of my meals will be replacements. I will decide closer to the actual date what I am going to do. This might be a 30-day sprint to drop 20-pounds, or it might turn into another push for my ultimate goal. We will see.

    This afternoon and evening I will be in Grimsby seeing friends, but before that I will be doing some work and having a video date with my wife. Aside from that, I have some work to do to prepare for some upcoming classes. That should be fun.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1130

    Yesterday should have been a day of positive emotions. I spent much of it helping others, which is good for the soul. I spent a lot of time forgetting my issues, and the day would have been perfect… had I not dropped my phone in someone’s car and had to spend 10 hours tracking it and eventually getting it back. Yes, I got it back, no, there was no foul play involved. It was actually a good day, but one with an asterisk. **

    After several days of gaining weight, it dropped yesterday, if only by a fraction. This morning I was pleased to see a drop of 2.6 lbs., which brought it back down below 310. That does not change that I need to get back on track. I promised my wife that if I do not get back on track and seriously over the next few weeks then I am going to reevaluate my strategies. That is probably a good idea anyways.

    I may be exhausted, but I have an old friend coming over for a cigar shortly. It will be good to see him.

    Have a great day folks!

    ** It is a little embarrassing that having grown up in Quebec and studying French from an early age, I occasionally type the * character as Asterix (the name of a French comic book character) and then have to look up the proper spelling as asterisk when my spell-check marks it as wrong. This usually happens when I do not get enough sleep.

  • Day 949

    Yesterday went from good to bad in a hurry when a very close friend called me to tell me about something that is going on in his life. I will not go into details but he is close enough that his pain hurts me. I ended up eating more than I should have… but only by a couple of peaches – the last of the bag that I bought on the farm on Friday. It also stopped me getting out to exercise… but only partly. My back and leg and foot pains were also contributory factors. The leg pains are not related to the knee pains I was experiencing; they are clearly muscular and caused by extreme exertion, and my foot pain was caused by a blistered heel. I should be good to go again today… as long as I put something on my heel before I head out.

    My weight was up marginally this morning, almost certainly thanks to the peaches I ate last night. As much as I love them, I am glad that I have no more left. I was hoping that by this morning my weight would be down enough to check off another line on my chart. That will now have to wait at least one day more… probably two.

    It is a beautiful day in Burlington. I have a few things to do this morning (not the least of which is talking with my wife), but hopefully this afternoon I’ll be able to get out for a walk.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 853… Day 1

    Weight: 291.8 lbs. (up 53.2 lbs from Best Weight Ever)

    Last time I weighed this much: January 22, 2023

    I woke up this morning with dread and hope and excitement and fear and trepidation. That’s a lot of emotion to experience before your first cup of coffee, don’t you think? Today is the day that Leslie and I decided we were starting our extreme program together. Last night I took out the first of my boxes that I placed on the stove to remind me in the morning that I would be starting again… not that I would have gotten very far had I forgotten, as I planned it well and have no real food in the house. While that is not technically true, I do not have any eggs, which would have made preparing my regular breakfast of a large omelette quite challenging. I took Her Royal Floofness for her walk, and then prepared a pot of coffee and my first shake in many months. It is time.

    Leslie and I had a cigar date this morning and we discussed how w are feeling about it, as well as what each of our goals are. I made her a promise… the day I reach my best weight ever I will shave my goatee. While she has seen pictures of it from before we met, Leslie has never actually seen me without facial hair. She has often joked that should would love to see me with what she calls my ‘baby face’ and I am not setting that as a milestone for myself. I know that she will encourage me to get there… and that she will insist I keep my promise!

    (To be clear, once I have done that she will almost certainly encourage me to grow it back again, which I will gladly do. I like the goatee, and I know that she does as well. This is a one-time thing!)

    It is now 12:40pm, and I am sitting out on the balcony with my laptop. I have a lot of work to do, but it is a beautiful day and I am sitting out topless enjoying the weather. The work I have to do today can as easily be done on my laptop as at my desk, so why shouldn’t I enjoy the weather?

    My plans for the first week at least are to have my first shake when I get back from walking the Floof. The second shake will be at 1:00pm, the third at 5:00pm, and the final one at 9:00pm. My rationale is that I am teaching three days a week from 5:30-9:00pm, which means that I will have one right before class, and then immediately after it. There is a good chance though that I will have to delay the final shake some nights until I have walked the Floof again, but we will see. I am greatly encouraged that I am neither tired nor hungry right now, and that I am ready for that next shake. What does worry me a little is that I woke up late this morning, and by the time I finished my first meal replacement it was already 10:00am. I might push today’s second shake to 2:00pm to see how I feel with four hours between my first and my second shake. I am sure I will be able to make it, but I am curious to see how hungry I get. I am starting to feel the pangs now, but they are faint and I am not concerned. If they get worse then I will go down to 1:30pm, but I am sure I’ll be okay.

    I have not felt week yet, but the day is still relatively young. I also have all of the excess caloric energy from yesterday still floating around my system. Hopefully I will get through the first few days without too much difficulty. I really want to make it with the program again, although as of right now I am not sure what ‘making it’ really means.

    In my discussion with Leslie this morning she mentioned that she wants to shrink her stomach because she has been overeating. I agreed, and told her that one of my goals for my post-program changes is to reduce my meal size. Over the last few months I have been eating a four-egg omelette in the morning, followed by a whole chicken (plus salads and various other side dishes) throughout the day. The omelette should be reduced to three eggs, and the whole chicken should last me two days. I will make smaller portions of rice (or whatever side dish I choose), and I will only buy side dishes like egg rolls as a special treat. I will not completely cut out bread, but I will reduce the frequency back to once or twice per week… and reasonable portions when I do.

    It is time for me to start exercising again, and to that end I am not sure if I am going to go out for a walk this afternoon, or if I will get onto my treadmill. I am leaning toward the treadmill even though it is such a beautiful day outside because that will not only force me to stop using it as a clothes hanger (as so many people do), but it will also give me the opportunity to catch up on last night’s TV shows. While walking outside forces me to a certain distance (once I have walked three kilometres, I must then necessarily turn around and walk back another three kilometres), it has been a while since I have gone for a good walk, and I do not want to find myself completely out of steam and still a couple of kilometres from home. Today is my first day back on the severely reduced caloric program, and I do not know at what point I will run out of steam. It is too bad I cannot bring the treadmill out onto the balcony… but that would just be silly (not to mention extremely heavy and potentially dangerous).

    I have written so often about the need to be mindful in my eating. The good part of this program is that I do not have to worry or even think about what I am going to eat, as each meal replacement is pre-planned and measured. What I do have to be mindful of is my energy. I need to make sure that I can get through the day (including my evening class) without falling off. I also need to be mindful of my emotions and attitude, as those can be greatly affected by caloric deficiency. I think that Leslie and I will have to keep an eye on each other for that these next few days.

    Okay then… it is settled. As soon as I have finished my second meal replacement I will change into exercise shorts and a t-shirt and I will get the treadmill cleared off. I am excited to be getting back on track! I am not saying that I am back on track yet… I am five hours into Day 1, so until I have a week of successes under my belt I am not going to consider the necessary habits formed.

    One more thing… I have on several occasions in the past decided to go down to three meal replacements and a single full meal during my program. While I have definitely seen success with that, I am not going to do it for at least the first month. When my weight is back below 250 lbs. then I will think about it, but I want to see huge weight loss before I do that.

    There are a couple of things I need to do in order to make this work: The first: I am going to make an appointment to see my doctor. I have not seen her in a few months, and aside from my weight loss, I also need to discuss a few other things with her – my meds, as well as a mole on my face that I might want to have removed. I will make that call immediately, although I know I will need to leave a message and her staff will call me back.

    Wow! That was the first time ever that I called and got someone to speak to since I have been seeing this doctor. I have an appointment for June 10, and have made notes in my calendar appointment to hopefully remember some of what I need to speak with her about. Great! That is one thing off my plate.

    The second: I am going to make a new chart to put on my fridge. The last one was for the competition that Leslie and I had for a prize of a meal at our favourite steakhouse and cigar lounge in Addison. That is not coming down… I am leaving it up to remind me of how far I have fallen. The new one will be to track my progress on paper. Yes, I have the chart on my computer, and I have a spreadsheet that I keep… that is not in my face like the fridge chart was and will be. I will print that out now.

    Okay… I have made the chart, although it is not yet printed (this computer is not on the same subnet as my printer… long story). I put the increments at 2 lbs., and I will hopefully be able to start ticking those off tomorrow or Friday. We’ll see.

    It is now 1:50pm and it is time for me to head inside and prepare my meal replacement. I will then clean off the treadmill for a good workout. I am hungry now.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 845

    I ate mostly well yesterday, but still gained half a pound this morning. Grrr. I hope that will shed off again tomorrow morning.

    Israel has a transition that is a real weird. From Yom HaZikaron, a day of sadness and remembrance for our fallen soldiers and victims of terrorism, we go right into Yom Ha’Atzmaut, our joyous day of independence. We are literally supposed to shed our sadness at sundown and become joyous and festive. It is quite difficult for me, but I somehow manage. Last night I finished my class at 9:15pm and had a video date with my wife and a cigar on the balcony. I was extremely tired after a long day, and was going to go right to sleep except that Her Royal Floofness asked to go out for another walk. I was still asleep by midnight and slept well most of the night… except for waking up to pee.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 803

    I got back to my apartment at 2:00am and decided it was better to start packing before I went to sleep, rather than rushing it and trying to do everything in the morning. It was not at all surprising that although I came down with two suitcases that weighed 60 lbs. each and two carry-ons that weighed 25 lbs. each my two suitcases (which included my larger and heavier carry-on) weighed less than 60 lbs. combined, and my knapsack that I am carrying on weighs probably 20 lbs. From the beginning it was my intention to leave a ton of stuff (much of which I collected from my generous friends in Canada) with my buddy in Havana who is a Mason; some of it was for him and his family, most of it will be distributed by his lodge. It feels incredible to be able to help the poor Cuban people who need it; it feels wonderful to be traveling home with a much lighter load than I came with.

    Yesterday was another good day, both with regards to walking and with food intake. Late in the evening I was hungry and thought about enjoying a protein bar, but instead I opted to go to sleep with a slightly empty stomach. According to my phone (which I know is not as accurate at my fitness watch) I walked nearly 18,000 steps and climbed sixteen flights. There is nothing wrong with that!

    As I write this journal entry I am sitting in the airport in Havana. After passing through all of the checkpoints I purchased a bottle of booze at Duty Free, as well as some crackers and wafers. I gave my buddy the last of my US Dollars this morning, after putting aside enough to get to the airport and $5 extra for a cheese sandwich (which I am slowly savouring as I write). I was hoping that my Canadian credit card would work at Duty Free, but it did not, and I was relieved to have Canadian Dollars. The exchange rate is lousy, but the bottle that I purchased is not available in Canada, and as long as the US does not confiscate it from me, I should not have a problem. I have an hour and a bit before my flight boards, and while I will not be connecting to the Internet (which means it will not publish until I land in Houston), I am happy to have a relaxing time to sit and put down some thoughts.

    I love helping the Cuban people, and am happy to have the ability to do so. What sometimes jades me is how blatantly the people in the street size you up and try to separate tourists from their money. Last night as I was walking home a lady (in the loosest sense of the word) accosted me in a vain attempt to get me into bed (and for her to get into my wallet). This was not the first time that has happened to me, and I was not in the mood to even stop walking. As I kept telling her no, she asked why. I eventually told her that she was not my type. She asked what was my type, because she has a friend. I told her that I only like boys. This shocked and offended her… but after a snide comment it also got her to leave me alone. (For those who are wondering, it was as blatant a lie as I have ever told, as I clearly am quite straight!)

    This morning a guy saw me walking with a couple of bags that I was taking for my buddy. He said ‘Is that for me?’ I told him that it was not. He then started playing upset that I help others and not him, and that he says hello to me every time I pass by ‘his corner.’ I looked at him straight and told him that am happy to say hello to everyone, but with 400 people saying hello to me in Old Havana every day, I do not have the wherewithal nor the desire to help every single one. I say hello because it is the nice thing to do, but if he is doing it solely to get something from me then he should not say hello to me anymore. He got pissed off… but he pissed off.

    I may be exaggerating with the number 400, but not by much. There seems to be an entire brigade of people trying to get you a taxi, sell you cigars, give you a tour in a classic car (or walking), or sex with their sister mother daughter aunt or grandmother. Every single person wants to change your dollars, or wants you to help the me to buy medicines or bread for their children or grandmother. Everyone has a sob story, and every one of them is well trained in sizing up tourists and figuring out an angle. While I joke about it from time to time, it really does get boring in a hurry. When I give something to someone in the street I do not know where it will end up. When I give it to the Freemasons I know that it will be distributed to people who really need it, and not to people whose job it is to con tourists.

    That is not to say that I do not give money to some people in the street. Sunday evening I was sitting at a café when a man walked by wearing a kippa and wearing a Star of David. I stopped him and spoke with him, and gave him some money. Saturday evening I was waiting for a friend outside a restaurant when a man approached me on crutches; he had one leg, and his one foot was obviously in trouble. I gave him some money (and spent time talking with him), but what he wanted I could not give him. He wanted hard currency… dollars and Euros. He said he needs it to buy his medicine. Whether or not that is true, I did not have sufficient money in my pocket… and when he told me I should go back to my apartment to get it for him, I told him that I could not. I feel terrible for him and for all of the Cuban people, but there is only so much I can do. If I gave every person in the streets that needed money for (fill in the blank) only one dollar, I would not have money to eat… let alone take care of my friends who also have their sad stories.

    I feel terrible that I get jaded, but the incessant onslaught of people obviously trying to scam me gets old fast. I feel terrible that I cannot help everyone… but I do not have that kind of money. I try to find a balance between not making eye contact with all of them and not letting my heart harden to their plight. I am reminded of my visit to Mumbai, how sad it was seeing the dichotomy between the opulence of the palatial hotel I would spend my evenings in and the modern and secure office complex in which I spent my days, and the throngs of people living in lean-to hovels along the road who had nothing. It was hard to see that. It’s hard to see the plight of the Cuban people as well… but while none of them live well, I know that none of them are going to starve to death, and they all have somewhere to live. Knowing that the tourist areas are well-manned by these hawkers and such, I have to decide each time I come whether my love for the city is enough to keep me renting the cheap apartment off the beaten path, or if I am better off at a hotel. So far the apartment and the real Havana keeps winning out.

    My plane leaves in an hour, and I am going to make my way upstairs to my gate. I was disappointed to learn that I will need to collect my luggage in Houston, but that’s life in the fast lane. I only wish I did not have the overnight layover. I miss my dog and I miss my bed. The hotel bed tonight will be much more luxuriant than the one I have been sleeping in this trip, but Princess Sophie will not be in it. I look forward to seeing her tomorrow afternoon when I finally do get home.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 796

    Yesterday was a wonderful day from beginning to end. IY”H every day should be as good.

    After the ridiculously long, stressful, and expensive two-day span that was Saturday into Sunday, I landed in Cuba only one hour later than I had originally planned for, and was at my apartment by 4:30pm. I did not unpack, but I did go into my suitcase to find a pair of shorts and my sandals (I had changed into a short-sleeve shirt on the plane from Toronto to Houston) and I went out to meet my buddy only a few minutes later than expected. He and I spent the evening together, enjoying a coffee and then dinner… followed by another snack a little later. I was back in my apartment by 11:00pm, and while I was quickly running out of juice, I had to unpack and organize my kit before turning in. I turned on the water heater so that I would be able to shower before getting into bed, which I was finally able to do by 12:30am. I slept like the dead.

    I seldom eat well on travel days, and what with all of the stress and anxiety of the entire ordeal Sunday was no exception. After everything, I should have turned it off… but as we sat in the cafe-bar toward the end of the evening, as Johnny devoured his desert I compounded it by indulging in a plate of French fries. I knew it was wrong… and I did not and do not and will not feel bad or apologize for it. My step count for the day was 14,000, and my stress count was through the roof. I deserved every morsel and every calorie that I ate Sunday.

    Yesterday would have to be better… and it was. I did not eat breakfast, partially because the restaurant I had planned to eat at was not open yet, but also because I met a few guys from Kentucky at my buddy’s cafe and nibbled on a piece of their toast. For lunch I had a plate of pasta (which in Cuba is a reasonable size, and not what one might get in a restaurant in North America). Dinner was a plate of fried plantains and a chicken dish that likely had the nutritional value (or lack thereof) of an order of General Tao’s chicken… but again it was a reasonable size. I walked 17,000 steps throughout the day, enjoyed many cigars and cups of coffee, and the company of a few friends I always see when I’m here. In the balance, yesterday was a weight-plan success.

    After dinner I went back to Johnny’s bistro for another cigar and a video call, and I ran into the guys from Kentucky who joined me for a cigar… and pulled out a bottle of very fine bourbon. I relaxed until closing and then walked with Johnny as far as my apartment, where I picked up another cigar and then went to see my friend Gloria at her work. She and I chatted until nearly 3:00am, at which point I headed back to my place and had a very good (if short) sleep.

    This morning I ordered a plate of fried eggs and toast, and a couple of cups of coffee. Depending on whether or not people I met show up or not, I will either be leading a tour today, or I will just do my own thing in Habana Viella. While it would be great if they do show up, my day will likely be no better or worse if they do or not… it will just be different.

    My goal is to register 15,000 steps or more every day in Havana. That should not be a difficult goal to achieve, and will likely do much more than that some days. The only thing I need to be aware of is the state of my feet, remembering the problems I had with them on my last trip. Those problems started with a lot of steps in a pair of sandals that were probably well past their expected lifespan (measured in steps, not in age). I gave that pair away, and am wearing another pair that I had… which are older, but not nearly as well worn. After a day and a half in them (and over 30,000 steps) my feet seem fine, so I am optimistic. I brought running shoes just in case, but so far so good. If I need to then I will switch out for runners, but if I can manage it then my other goal is to return to Canada without having worn a single pair of socks the whole trip. We’ll see…

    If the group does not show up then I am planning to have a pizza for either lunch or dinner. The other meal will likely be fish or pasta. We’ll see. I did not feel the need to snack yesterday and while I was peckish by about 12:30am, I did nothing about it and went to bed a little hungry. I would have had to be much hungrier to decide to eat after 11pm. If I can make it through today without snacking then it will absolutely be another good food day.

    It has been some time since I wrote about my bowel movements, but this morning was so good that I feel I should mention that my system is working well, and I suspect that it was ridding my body of all the garbage I ate Sunday. As I walked toward my buddy’s bistro for breakfast I felt five pounds lighter.

    On the negative side, I was extremely disappointed with myself yesterday morning when I put on one of my new shirts and it was tight. I could have gotten away with it, but decided against it and changed into something looser. Hopefully within a few days I will try it on again with better results. While I am well aware that hope is not a strategy, I am truly hoping I can make that happen.

    It is now approaching 10:00am and my group is not here. As I said, either they will show up… or they will not. Either way…

    …have a great day!

  • Day 789

    I would have had decent things to write yesterday had I had the time, but alas I did not. And then… Then I had some bad thoughts last night. I started thinking about calling her… reaching out to talk to the person who I thought was and would forever be my person. That would not have been a good idea, but it put the thought into my head, and I started eating. I ate way more than I ever should in an evening. The result? After a two-day streak of losing weight, I gained… a lot. For the second time in a week my weight jumped by a ridiculous amount. It actually peaked over the 280 lbs. mark for the first time in a very long time. I have to get control of it… but I also have to deal with my emotions. I have five more days until I am on an airplane, and I will lose a bit of weight in Cuba. After that, I might return to my extreme program for a week or two… just to get back on track.