Losing a part of me

A couple of years ago I would have begun this entry with a dozen curse words. I would have been throwing things and spewing vile and anger. I am trying to be a better man, so I will simply say that I am extremely disappointed that after going all of Friday without solid food, only eating broth and drinking tea, my weight was up four pounds from yesterday. I know the broth is high in salt, but FOUR? That makes a nine pound increase over three days. I want to throw it all away, tell the doctors to shove it, and go out on a food binge that would at least allow me to enjoy my weight gain. I hate myself, and it is all that I can do to not go out and indulge.

No. Leslie is coming tomorrow. I will fast the rest of the time until my procedure, and then I will come home and I will prepare the chicken and salad which I had planned for.

Life sucks… today. Tomorrow when Leslie arrives it will be better, but in the meantime I might as well get myself fitted for a tent for all the good my weight loss efforts have done. I am a complete and total f&cking failure and I hate myself.