Losing a part of me

Category: Despair

  • 2026 Day 12

    I was obviously in a terrible frame of mind yesterday after I weighed myself. Nonetheless, I did not cheat. I had some celery, a pinch of grated cheese, and three meal replacements. This morning my weight was slightly up from where it was yesterday… although within the margin of error. That does not make me feel any better about it.

    I did something stupid this morning. I had to leave the house around 7:00am to get to an appointment across town. I took the toll road and was extremely early, but even then the traffic could have been bad, and I could not be late for this one. I took Her Floofness for her walk, and then I fed her, prepared a cup of coffee to go, and headed out. I was just pulling out of the parking lot when I realized I had not prepared a meal replacement. For a brief second I thought about turning back, but decided to venture forward. The appointment and my punctuality were too important. There were maybe fifteen peanuts in the car, and that is what I ate before the appointment. When I left there I decided to stop at Bulk Barn. I bought peanuts and four slices of dried mango. It got me home by 11:15am without needing to stop off and eat something else that would necessarily have been a worse choice. Yes, the mangoes were bad. In my current state of mental health (my weight loss is only one thing weighing on me) I accept that, and will continue to try to do better. In the meantime, I decided to forego my second meal replacement of the day (which would have been my first). I will have one before my class starts this evening… and another between my evening class and my overnight class. Yes, it is going to be one of those weeks!

    Despite my terrible state of mind yesterday, or possibly even because of it, I got a lot of work done on a project that I have been quite delinquent on. In fact, I would venture to say that it was the most productive weekend day I’ve had on a work project in years.

    Knowing that it was going to be a very early morning (my alarm was set for 5:15am) I was in bed at a very reasonable hour. I turned off the lights and all devices a few minutes after 10:00pm… and then proceeded to toss and turn until 1:30am. No wonder my sleep score was in the toilet.

    I am going to do a little bit of work on that project now, and then will try to sleep for a few hours. I am crossing my fingers that I can.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 7

    The last few days have been a huge bell curve. I mentioned a couple of days ago that one evening this week a friend brought me Vietnamese pho, which is extremely salty, and that I ate that for two days. In short, from Monday to Thursday my weight was up over five pounds, which really did not do anything good for my mental state. This morning I was pleased to see that I had dropped all of that excess weight, likely caused by retaining water based on the high sodium content of the soup. Phew. I have dropped 8.2 lbs. in the first week… not bad, could be better.

    I am not in a good head space right now. A combination of personal and financial issues are weighing on me. Last night I was sleeping like a baby… until I woke up to pee at 4:00am. It probably took me 45 minutes to get back to sleep. Somehow my sleep score was still 88… I am glad I did not give up and pick up my phone to start reading.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1359

    I am really at the point where I wish I was re-starting my weight loss program today, and not Tuesday after Thanksgiving. I really do hate myself at this weight. This weekend will not be a bang, but it will be my last eating for a while. I have to get back on track.

  • Day 1345

    I was a bit surprised by how excited I was to see that my regular meal replacements are once again available. I checked yesterday afternoon (I have been checking on a regular basis since the last time I tried to order them) and was thrilled. I ordered a number of boxes, and it looks like after Yom Kippur I will be able to restart my program. What a relief.

    The past year has been terrible in so many ways, and I only hope that as we embark upon the Jewish year 5786 things may start to get better. I am not holding my breath, but I am praying for it.

  • Day 1343

    Rosh Hashana has not been nearly as peaceful as it should be. I mistakenly took a contract to teach this week, and I am having a terrible time of it. There are myriad stressors in my life and I really do not know how I will make it through this week. Yesterday I needed to lie down at lunchtime for a nap. I might do the same today.

  • Day 1339

    I have not been in a very good way emotionally these last few weeks and it shows. These last two days have been particularly difficult for reasons that I cannot put my finger on. As such, yesterday’s entry was a bit more morbid than it might have been. To be clear for those who are still reading: I am not suicidal. I am just doing badly emotionally.

    I slept reasonably well last night, but I ate extremely poorly. I hope that this week I can get back on track. The Jewish New Year begins Monday at sundown. As such I wish I had not taken on the class that I will be teaching this week, but there is nothing that I can do about that now. I hope though that I can use the New Year as a reset for the terrible place I am in.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1270

    As I had the previous day, I stuck to my program religiously yesterday… with the (again) pinch of grated cheese that I nibbled as I was giving Princess Sophie hers. In fact, owing to a weird schedule and a possibly failing memory, it is possible that I ingested even less than I am supposed to – I might have only had three meal replacements rather than the four that are medically recommended. I have made a note to try to do better both with remembering and with the consistency of timing so that I make sure I do get all of the vitamins and nutrients that I need to be healthy.

    In addition to those, I had my coffee (as usual) and, as I was sitting on the balcony studying (and because it was 36° and sunny) I decided to pour myself a cold iced tea. I sweetened it with aspartame rather than the raw sugar that I use for my coffee, and I do not think that would be considered a cheat.

    I also drank my water. Folks, it is much easier to remember to drink copious amounts of water when the weather is scorching than it is in the winter. I am easily going through at least four litres of water a day, and probably more than that.

    Remember my plan from yesterday morning? I had gotten up to pee however many times the previous night, and so I was going to try to make a note to stop drinking after 8pm? That did not happen… I studied on the balcony until nearly 9:30pm, and then sat there watching TV on my iPad. It was still hot, so I kept drinking water to stay hydrated. When I went into the house to get ready for bed I counted the empty water bottles next to the sink… between the time I finished my evening meal replacement (around 7:30pm) and the time I went to bed I drank a little over 1.5l (54oz) of water. The result? I peed three times between coming into the house and going to sleep, and I got up from sleep another four times. Will I never learn?

    Despite that, my sleep was much better than the previous night. My sleep score was 79, up from 58. I’ll take it.

    Yesterday afternoon I was asked by a couple of friends to go out to a bar for the evening. I politely declined, telling them that I need to study… and in fact that is what I did. What I did not tell them is that I was on Day 3 of my program and I was not ready to spend a night at a bar surrounded by all of the temptations of food and drink. It is much easier for me to keep my resolve if I stay home alone.

    Today is Day 4, and I am remembering some of what I was going through on Day 4 on my previous attempts. It has now been two days since my last bowel movement, and so I added fibre to my meal replacement this morning. I was very sluggish on Day 1 & 2, but I think that is behind me. I remember that I was very cold from within, owing to the sheer volume of water I was drinking. Wouldn’t it be nice for that to happen while it is this hot? It hasn’t kicked in yet if it is going to… I’ll keep waiting.

    My weight has dropped drastically these last three days but that is not unusual for the first few days of the program. Wouldn’t it be nice to see that trend continue? It is unlikely. Yes, if I stick to the program, then my weight will continue to drop… but not at the tremendous rate it has fallen these three days. As it is, I have already dropped all of the weight that I gained this last month.

    This year has been a dumpster fire for so many reasons. My weight dipped below ‘that horrible mark’ only one day this year – back in January. Since then it has skyrocketed and I do not even want to say how bad it got. Suffice it to say, I want to get back below that horrible mark, and if I can do so by the end of September then I will be a happy man. No, that is not entirely true… I will be a relieved man. I will only be truly happy when I have lost every single pound that I gained back since falling off the wagon two years ago.

    Is it a coincidence that I fell off the wagon when my heart was shattered in November of 2023, and then again when it was shattered in April of 2025? I doubt it. I am the only one to blame, but it does not take a genius to recognize that the actions of others is the root cause of these falls.

    A good friend of mine has been asking for help with his computer for a couple of months, but every time we have scheduled to meet he has been called away for work at the last minute. As of this minute he is supposed to come after work today, and unless there is an incident that necessitates his working overtime then I will see him then. He is one of my friends who has gone through the medically supervised program that I did, so he will understand that no, I will not let him take me out to dinner as a thank-you, but we will be able to sit on the balcony with a cigar to chat and catch up. It will be great to talk with him because he knows what I am going through and if he cannot advise me then he can at least listen with a sympathetic ear.

    Other than the visit from my buddy, my plan is to once again study until I cannot read the words on the page for one more minute. My exam is scheduled for precisely 49.75 hours from this minute as I type, and I am nowhere near confident that I will pass. I will do everything in my power to do so, and if nothing else I will walk into the exam room confident that I have done all that I can to prepare.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1268

    It was Sophie’s fault.

    Okay, that is both wrong and unfair. The explanation for it, unjustified though it may be, is that I was extremely hungry as I prepared to end my class yesterday, and my plan was to have a meal replacement shake before taking HRF Princess Sophie out for her walk. She was having none of that. She was ready to go out immediately and no amount of coaxing would change her mind. We went out for a long walk… she insisted on seeing the sights and greeting her friends and possibly sniffing every blade of grass in her park.

    When we got home I was even more ravenous, but knowing that I was on Day 1 of my program I could not go crazy. I did, however, decide to prepare those three eggs that I was going to give away or throw out. All in all I could have done much worse, but I still felt guilty about it.

    This morning there were no eggs in the house. After we got home from our morning walk Her Floofness wanted to go to see the neighbour, and knowing that Sue had told us that Charlie would be there today, I was more than happy to accommodate her. I came back home and put on the coffee before preparing my meal replacement shake.

    Four shakes per day for the foreseeable future. Not fun… but I have put on a disastrous amount of weight since my life fell apart, and it is time to get off that ride and to try to get control of my life back from my emotions. That starts by losing the weight… again.

    It pains me to know how heavy I am. I had done so well, and then my life fell apart… in fact, it happened twice over a 19-month period. Thanks, Lady. No, I will not go into detail. Yes, I am somewhat bitter. That doesn’t matter though… it is time to pick myself up off the floor and get back on track.

    I got an email yesterday that my new sports jacket and shirts are en route from Hong Kong and should arrive by the end of next week. I am excited to receive them; I am equally hopeful that within a few months they will no longer fit, and I will be back to wearing my original weight-loss wardrobe… hopefully by the beginning of September?

    I have been sleeping poorly the last week, in which my fitness watch registered a sleep score over 70 only once. Last night was the first night in over a week that it was slightly better… an 81. I hope to continue that trend.

    It is Friday, and thus my last day of class. I had some technical issues yesterday which means that I am going to have to rush through a little of the material today but I am still confident that I will be able to get through it all. This evening I will light the Sabbath candles as usual, but for the first time in a long time I will not be eating my ritual challah bread to say that blessing. Nor will I be saying kiddush on the wine… I am back on the program.

    Because I had eggs for both breakfast and dinner yesterday I might consider yesterday to have been a Day Half rather than a new Day One. Sabbath or not, today I am drinking my meal replacements, coffee, and a lot of water… and that is all that I will be ingesting. I hope that I can follow that discipline for a few months and not just a few days. I have fallen off the wagon too many times. I have to be strong this time.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1263

    This weekend has been unique in my experience. I drove to Strathroy Friday morning and my buddy greeted me and immediately took off. He and his wife are spending the weekend away. I walked into the house and was greeted (somewhat) by sixteen legs… two children (9 & 6 years old), a dog named Buddy, and two cats. If you know me at all you will realize that the first eight legs were no problem, but I am quite allergic to the last eight. Won’t this be… fun.

    We spent Friday afternoon in the back yard. They had a blast on the trampoline, and I sat on the patio trying (unsuccessfully) to read. I mostly watched them and relaxed. I prepared spaghetti for dinner, and then we took Buddy for his evening walk to the park. Buddy is a four-year-old Labrador retriever who probably tips the scale at around 100 pounds. He is not overweight that I can tell, he is just a lot more dog than I am used to. As a comparison, HRF Princess Sophie weighs in at just under 18 pounds. The difference did not really hit me until we were out on the walk, with the kids on their bike and scooter. Buddy stopped to sniff and chew and whatever, and when I pulled on his collar to tell him it was time to go I was met with a resistance that I am just not used to. Walking him would actually be exercise.

    Did I mention that sometime during the afternoon, as I was sitting in the house for a few minutes, he threw up? This is not unusual for dogs, I know. What was unusual was the size and texture and odour of what came forth. It smelled terrible, but looked like it should have come out the other end! I grabbed some paper towel and picked up the now-confirmed solid component of it and put it in the kitchen sink. Whatever it was, you can be sure that it had spent some time in his digestive tract, if not actually in his stomach. I apologize, I am not an expert in these things. Once I had cleaned up the entire mess, I returned to the sink and rinsed off what ended up being three very small (6-year-old sized?) socks. I was not quite sure what to do with them, but I did not want to potentially contaminate the laundry basket which would not be addressed for at least two days. I decided to leave them to dry off in the basement bathroom. I made a mental note to tell Amanda they are there.

    Taking care of very picky children and eating well can go one of two ways: You can prepare two separate meals for you and your charges… or you can resign yourself to eating crap. With the knowledge that my extreme diet starts Thursday, and that I would have to pack them into the car and take them to a supermarket, inviting the constant fight of ‘Uncle Mitch can we get this?’ I opted to try to do my best with what they were eating. As I mentioned earlier, I prepared spaghetti for dinner Friday. I had been told that the kids took care of their own breakfasts (mostly cereals) so Saturday morning I made myself an omelette and a bagel (of which Buddy stole half when I was not looking).

    The kids had started haranguing me to go for fast food for lunch on Saturday within 20 minutes of my arriving on Friday. Their dad had already told me that it was okay, so we ended up at Wendy’s. I tried in vain to get them to accept Harvey’s but at a certain point there is no point in arguing with a 6-year-old. Had I known that there was a toy giveaway at Wendy’s it would have made more sense. The meal was enjoyable though – the kids really are well behaved, and a lot of fun – so I did not mind.

    While they tried to convince me to either go out for or order dinner in (as well as every other meal all weekend), I managed to convince them to pick something that we had in the house. Chicken nuggets and French fries are not the worst things they could have picked. I eschewed the nuggets for some pasta salad that was in the fridge.

    When I told my buddy Friday that I had packed ten cigars, he told me that they would last me at least until the following morning. Ha ha, right? Well I do have one cigar left as I sit writing this two days later… but only one. I also expected there might be something to drink by way of adult beverages… I mean, what kind of person leaves their kids with someone and doesn’t make sure there’s at least a bottle of scotch somewhere? To add insult to injury, I noticed Friday afternoon there was a wine bottle in the fridge… but when the kids were in bed I discovered it was half a bottle of peach Bellini. Not cool.

    Okay, at least there were three bottles of decent beer in the downstairs fridge.

    Today is my fifty-third birthday. With all of the well-wishers on Facebook and LinkedIn, as well as a few more personal ones, I do not feel much like celebrating. Truth be told, if I was not here with the kids I would most likely be working on my computer at home, possibly preparing for my class tomorrow (although I think I’ve already done that), and then smoking cigars on the balcony. It was nice to be feted last week at the barbecue, but I really have not felt festive this year. Can anyone blame me?

    I should mention that my godson’s birthday is in two days, so I ordered him a present from Amazon which was delivered yesterday. I do not think they realize that today is my birthday, and I am fine with that. When I find out what time the parents are due back I will decide whether or not I will take them out for lunch… I probably will because I doubt they will be home before 1:00pm. We’ll see.

    I should mention that I have not wasted my time here. Last week I booked my CISSP (Certified Information Systems Security Professional) exam for next week, and I have been studying for it. I brought my study material, and have read over a hundred pages of what I need to read. While I am still certain I am going to fail the exam, at least I will do so knowing that I did take it serious and tried my best. I will spend at least an hour every night this week reading and studying and preparing for the exam which I am sitting next Tuesday. I am teaching a different cybersecurity class this week and while the content is not the same, it is the same general realm which will be helpful. I am not going to go into that exam unprepared. On the other hand, it is probably the highest level and most important certification exam I will have taken to date… and if I get it then it will open more avenues for me professionally – both for teaching and for consulting. Am I nervous? In ways that surprise me.

    While I am thinking about it, I am probably going to downgrade my home lab that I built over the last few weeks. The host operating system on the servers seems to be troublesome, and there is a lot of talk online that the latest server version from Microsoft is not very stable. I have found at least three issues that might be caused by an unstable host, and I do not want to spend anymore time troubleshooting it. Fortunately, it is only on the actual physical host servers that i am experiencing the problems. The virtual machines (the vast majority of the work) is stable, and can just be dropped onto the new hosts if I end up doing that. We’ll see. This might be a thought I have while I am 200km from home, but falls by the wayside when I am in front of the keyboard. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1258

    Happy Canada Day? Not really. Not for me.