Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 1217

    Life is no better, but I have some studying to do today and tomorrow so that hopefully I can pass an exam on Friday. We’ll see.

    Last night was possibly the first decent night sleep I got in… well, since I don’t know when. My sleep score (according to my fitness watch) was 77 – not great, but certainly decent. The app reads: ‘Shorter than ideal, plenty of deep.’ While I did not sleep a full seven hours, I was at least able to fall asleep and stay asleep for… well, most of the night anyways. It was the only night in the past week that my score exceeded 75… and the fifth time in a month. I have to get back to sleeping, but I cannot figure out how. My body battery still did not exceed a 43 which I cannot imagine is good.

    Yesterday I was able to spend most of the day with friends. I then had a haircut which I sorely needed, going back to the barber I had been with until about a year ago when he left the barber shop I had been going to for a decade. It was good to be able to trust that he would not make me look bad… like the haircut I got in March from a strange barber a a shop around e corner.

    My emotions are still in the toilet and I do not expect that to change anytime soon. It’s a miracle I am still above ground. No, I will not be hurting myself…

  • Day 1216

    As bad as I am doing, it was somewhat of a relief to spend much of the day today with two very close friends. Thank you David, and thank you Mitchell.

  • Day 1215

    The last six weeks have been extremely hard for me, as anyone who has read this journal most likely realized. The last week has been even worse. I am no going to go into details. Yes, I wish I was dead. No, I do not plan to make myself dead. No, I am not going to go in details about what is going on. No, I do not think the issues I am facing are going to get resolved. Yes, I know that things might one day get better. No, I do not think that will be anytime soon… and no, there is nothing that you can do to help. Yes, this has taken a terrible toll on my weight.

    There are people who, when in emotional distress, lose weight. I am not one of those people. I am probably up nearly ten pounds since April 1. I know I need to get back on track, but the combination of the stress, anxiety, depression and more have put me in this position… and my sometimes ridiculous work schedule has made it difficult to start exercising regularly. I know I am making excuses, but mental health problems are real and often debilitating. The fact that I have been working is helpful, but only when I am on.

    I seem to have forgotten to finish and publish this article yesterday so I have to fix that… backdating it. We’ll see if it works.

  • Day 1215

    Oops.

  • Day 1214

    I can’t end it. I wish someone else would.

  • Day 1213

    I just don’t feel like writing today.

  • Day 1212

    A Lodge brother who moved away was in town this week and he came over for drinks and cigars last night. He was the first person that I spoke to about what is going on. It is hard. I am in so much emotional pain that I cannot imagine getting through it. I am trying. His conversation was very helpful. If only friends could be with me all the time.

    I am still not sleeping well despite my best efforts. I am hoping that over the weekend I will be able to reverse that. We shall see.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1211

    Not doing any better today, but at least I didn’t sleep well last night.

  • Day 1210

    Now I just wish it was over.

  • Day 1209

    I slept last night. In fact, I looked at my fitness watch which reported a sleep score of 80 (although still not long enough). That’s great… except that this was because I slept right through my alarm, and I woke up 17 minutes before I was supposed to be online to prepare for my class (instead of the usual 2 hours before). I rushed my bathroom rituals and took Princess Sophie for a very abridged walk, and was online 22 minutes after I woke up. That is not how I like to work.

    I am still wondering how I am going to get myself out from this terrible darkness.