I am feeling no better than I did yesterday. I have to figure out a way to get out of this rut. No, rut is not the right term. It is a chasm.
Author: Mitch Garvis
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Day 1187
For the first time in years my rage erupted yesterday. I have been doing everything I can to keep myself in check, and while I have not always made the right decision, I have nevertheless been able to remain composed. Yesterday afternoon, shortly after I pressed publish on my very short journal entry, I got frustrated with a mouse and smashed it to the floor. I have been trying to keep my emotions in check, but the demon came out of me for a minute. My friend, who was sitting at my kitchen table and watching it happen, was probably more than a little shocked. He asked if I wanted to talk but I said that I did not. Shortly afterwards I walked out to go to dinner with other friends.
I was not going to go for dinner last night because I was feeling so distraught. I went partly because the alternative was staying home and having to talk about it with my buddy, partly because I knew that the friend with whom I was having dinner is a mental health advocate and if I did want to talk he would be a good listener, but mostly because I knew his wife was preparing dinner based on my dietary requirements and I did not want to cancel at the last minute. During the drive down there, I was able to try to get my emotions in check, and while I am still feeling like total garbage, I am at least back to being somewhat functional.
It is funny that my head and heart are so completely asunder, and yet my friend and his wife are turning to me to help them. I feel like I am a complete fraud. There is an old saying that therapists need more help than anyone. Maybe right now I am qualified. Who knows? I am probably an idiot for trying.
It is hard for me to admit but I am in a disastrous place in my life, and I do not know how I will be able to go on. I am told I need to lose weight, which I want to do, but I also feel like I am losing everything and there is nothing good in my life and that drives me to eat. I do now know how or if I will get out of it, but I am not hopeful. At this point I wonder if…
Hopefully I’ll be a little less miserable tomorrow. I can’t imagine why that would be, but here’s hoping.
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Day 1186
I am still where I was yesterday. Emotionally distraught. I am a real mess. I am going to see some friends in Grimsby for dinner and to break my Passover after sundown. I just wish…
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Day 1185
My day today will be consumed with helping my buddy. I can’t do anything else.
I have been thinking these last few days about stopping my daily blogging… at least for now. I am not sure what I am going to do. I need to get right with myself. It is not an easy task.
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Day 1184
Today has been a long day for me… but a longer day for a good friend, who I am going to spend some time with this evening. Talk tomorrow.
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Day 1183
I did a good deed today. I felt like I needed to because maybe that would pull me out of my sorrow and stupor. I am very happy that I did it… but I am still hip-deep in sorrow. At least the wind has finally abated.
One of my Lodge brothers texted me out of the blue yesterday and asked if I was free for breakfast Friday (tomorrow). I told him I was, but because of Passover I cannot go to any restaurant. He and another are going to come here, and I will make them a traditional Passover breakfast… one that I made last year for Leslie (much to her delight). I hope it works out. I truly do not feel like seeing people right now, but I know I cannot allow myself to settle into an abyss because it will just keep getting worse.
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Day 1182
My emotions are not getting any better. I am trying to get through the days, but it is hard. Yesterday I was able to focus on work which was good. Hopefully today will be the same.
All I ate yesterday after breakfast was soup, but my weight was up this morning. I think the soup was way too salty and I am retaining water.
Have a great day folks.
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Day 1180
It did not occur to me until later that I forgot to weigh myself this morning. That is too bad, as I think I did pretty well yesterday. Well, if I continue that trend today, then I will see a great improvement tomorrow over yesterday.
The soup came out wonderfully. Unfortunately, that, along with everything else that I said or heard or did yesterday, reminded me of the one thing I am trying to keep off my mind. I swear that I must have told Lyle three dozen times yesterday that ‘Oh, that reminds me of…’ The despair continues.
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Day 1179
Last night’s Passover Seder was a delight. I was invited by a group of friends who were all kicked out of a community group because they are Zionists. Not all of them were Jewish, but they were all my people. It was a delight. The company was wonderful, the food was delicious; Passover is truly my favourite of the Jewish holidays.
I was worried about my weight following last night’s meal, but I actually dropped back down to what I weighed before I went to Toronto. Phew.
While I slept marvelously Friday night, last night was not as good. It was not horrible, but it could have been better.
As I write this, I am also making chicken soup. Once I press save I will add the matzah balls into the mix. I cheated a bit this year – I asked my buddy Lyle, a gourmet chef, to prepare the chicken stock. Actually, last weekend I asked him for advice, and he told me that he was already making it this week, and did not mind making extra for me. Now I have it on the stove with carrots, onions, and dill. I am cooking chicken in the air fryer, and in a few minutes that will go into the pot as well. It will be a good few days of soup. Hopefully it will help to get me out of my funk. As the old saying goes… if it doesn’t help, at least it doesn’t hurt. I miss my wife.
Have a great day folks.
