Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 1168

    There are days that are worse than others… sometimes you fall, others you use those hard knocks to remember who you are so that you can pull yourself back up again.

    Yesterday morning my weight was the worst it had been in two years. It is time to end that. I am going to go hard on the program and get back in shape. With spring in the air I am going to start walking more, and hopefully get back to jogging. Not this morning… it was -1° with a wind chill of -9°. I am working morning to night today, but I will try to get onto the treadmill between my daytime class and my evening class. It will be a start.

    I found out on Monday that an old friend who had been suffering from brain cancer lost his battle, and it has had me thinking. I am lucky in that with all of my struggles, my only physical impediment is obesity. Otherwise I am healthy. I have to use that to fight the obesity, whether or not food is an addiction. I have to overcome it.

    I have had too many false starts. Life has really been kicking me hard these last few months and I have let it get the best of me. I have to remember that I am me, and I have to work to make myself the best me that I can be.

    Day One.

  • Day 1167

    I have to get a hold on myself. Today will be better.

  • Day 1166

    As we set out on the final day of March I am still struggling to get back onto my program, and it is hard. The stress and anxieties this weekend were more powerful than my willpower, and I did eat. I have to try harder and am going to redouble my efforts today to get back on track. At least my weight did not go up today… even the ounce or two that I dropped is better than gaining.

    Today begins another crazy long week of classes that have me teaching 14 hours Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I am embracing it, but I know I will be tired.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1165

    It was not until the early evening that I found something online that might ease my stress and anxiety a little… possibly bringing it down from a fourteen to an eleven. I am hoping…

    My weight dropped by nearly a pound this morning. It is progress but only because of how bad I had done the previous two days. I am hoping to do a little better today.

    I have to go to the supermarket today. I need coffee and sugar for said coffee. I will try to be good aside from those items.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 1164

    Yesterday was a disaster. I will not go into it and it might be nothing, but I found something out that put me into a panic and an eating frenzy. I have now regained all of the weight that I dropped just two short days ago. Until I find out otherwise (regarding what I accidentally discovered) then my anxiety levels will be dialed up to a fourteen. I do not know how I will get through it.

  • Day 1163

    Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I forgot in an instance how hard it is to get back on track. I faltered. My weight crept back over the 310 mark. I will do better today.

  • Day 1162

    When I saw the numbers on the bathroom scale yesterday morning I wanted to vomit. Despite all of the stress and anxiety, and not to mention the travel, I could not believe that I had gained nine pounds in four days. I was not back to where I had started… I was a couple of paces behind that. So when I stepped onto that horrible device this morning I was hoping to see a significant drop… but would I? I was not exactly perfect with my program yesterday. The drop of more than five pounds was a relief. I was back below 310 lbs., and honestly I was about where I thought I would be after the Montreal trip.

    I am going to do my best to curb my eating today, but I was not able to make it through the day yesterday, so I picked up some pasta (I had to go to the supermarket to get milk, so I made a slight detour down that aisle).

    Today is a short work day… which is to say I am only working from 8:30am to 5:00pm, and will not have to teach in the evening as well. That is tomorrow. I was also booked last-minute for another class next week, which means that I’ll have the crazy Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule again. How fun.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1161

    Holy crap, my first instinct was right. Despite a number of successful bowel movements these past few days, I gained a ridiculous amount of weight since leaving for Montreal. It is time to get back on track.

    I do have to go to the supermarket today… the milk in my fridge turned, and I do need it for coffee. Actually, it is more likely that I will go tomorrow, as I am teaching from morning until night.

  • Day 1147

    A 500kg weight was lifted off my chest yesterday morning. The interview that I have been stressing over was for my U.S. Green Card. When the Consular Officer told me that she was approving my visa I remained calm. I thanked her and I asked the list of questions I needed to ask, and then without showing any outward emotion I walked out, collected my smart phone and watch from the locker (they make you stow any electronics before entering) and I walked out into the snowy Montreal streets.

    Considering my lack of sleep I was feeling pretty awake. I sat in my car for twenty minutes calling first my wife (she was always going to be my first call whether I was approved or not), and then one Lodge brother who I have been sharing my struggles and anxieties with. I then texted a local friend who I was hoping to have a coffee with while I was in town. I picked up bagels and then drove to his office. By noon I was driving back to where I was staying, stopping along the way to pick up a Montreal smoked meat sandwich for lunch. Yes, I ate poorly yesterday, and there is a good chance that I will not do a lot better today. Tomorrow is Wednesday and my program resumes in earnest.

    I wrote most of what is above in the morning before I hit the road, but I was not able to concentrate and so I packed up and hit the road. It was a long drive with a lot of stops, but I am now home. As I expected (and predicted in the previous paragraph) I did not eat very well today. Driving days are never good for my program. I stopped for lunch, but I then stopped for an early dinner with a friend just north of Toronto. I then made another stop to have coffee with a close friend who has been very supportive of my immigration struggles, and I wanted to tell him in person before just about anyone else.

    I do not know if it was related to the stress and anxiety of it all, but I had not had a proper bowel movement in several days. This morning that changed… and how! I was relieved (both literally and figuratively). When I arrived back home, I had another extremely successful movement, so while I know my weight will still be up tomorrow morning, it is possible that it will not be as bad as I expected it might be. I was expecting to see a five-pound jump. What will it be? Who knows. We will see in the morning.

    Speaking of tomorrow: I will be right back into the thick of it. Tomorrow and Friday I am teaching once again from 8:30am until 10:30pm, and Thursday from 8:30pm until 5:30pm. No rest for the wicked, as they say. As such, I am going to go collect my doggie, and then I am going to try to get some sleep.

    Have a great evening folks!

  • Day 1159

    It is today.

    Despite two large pours of whisky last night I was not able to sleep. I might have closed my eyes for two hours despite being in bed at 9:30pm. It will be an interesting day indeed. I only hope that I can keep my eyes open and alert through my interview.

    I did not make any good choices yesterday. I suppose it is excusable and understandable, but that does not make me feel any better about it.

    It is now 5:40am and I am already parked and waiting for the breakfast restaurant around the corner from my appointment to open. I have to wait another 20 minutes for them to let me in, but at least I can sit in the lobby of the hotel in which the restaurant is located. It is currently a balmy -5 degrees Celsius so the comfortable and warm couch is better than standing outside.

    In the next few hours I will know… or at least I will know more than I do now. The anxiety is killing me.

    The newly crowned prime minister of Canada called an election yesterday which means that the next six weeks will see the mud slinging between the parties. I am relieved that the election system in Canada is much more condensed than the American election cycle that never really stops; I only hope that we can be more respectful of those we disagree with than our American neighbours.

    Have a great day folks!