I’m not doing well. I wish…
Author: Mitch Garvis
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Day 682
As I expected, my weight was down slightly again this morning. Yesterday’s increase was just a blip. I am now precisely ten pounds up from my best weight ever and will work toward getting back there.
I am going out east to have lunch with a friend today. It is a long drive, but I’m looking forward to the distraction. A lot of my friends would want to talk about what is bothering me these days. At least I can be sure that this lunch will be a mindless distraction. That is what I need.
I suppose my plan for today is to just try to stay the course. I will get into my car and turn on my audio book, and just listen to the story. Who knows? I might even bring a cigar along for the drive. It’s definitely a long enough drive (each way) so I might just do that.
I’ll see you tomorrow morning.
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Day 681
My weight crept up a full pound this morning, but after yesterday’s extreme drop of 3.6 lbs. I am not surprised that my body adjusted back a bit. Oh, and I also had more sweet potato fries than I probably should have eaten with my dinner. I will stay on track today, and tomorrow will be back on the losing track.
I had plans for today, but they fell through. That is not a big deal and should not affect how my day goes. I am going to try to take it easy. I have a couple of errands I need to run, which I will do after lunch. After that I will likely sit on the balcony with a cigar and my tablet. My week has been an emotionally draining one, and I just need to decompress and relax. Tomorrow, I suspect a friend is coming over for a couple of hours. Until then I am happy relaxing and decompressing.
Ahh… I just realized I have no chicken or fish in the house. I suppose I will be running those errands before lunch, otherwise there’s no lunch. I guess I’ll take that as my cue to get going. See you tomorrow.
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Day 680
I was hoping that my weight would be down this morning. I did not expect such a steep drop though. It was once again below 250. If I can stay on track for a few days, then I am hoping that I can make that a permanent thing. I do not know if that delineator has any relevance other than psychological, but the psychology is real. Who knows? Maybe one day I will be able to get below 220, and then make that my point of… whatever it is.
I am working this afternoon, and while I thought briefly about going out afterwards, but have almost completely talked myself out of that. While it will be raining all day, the forecast predicts it will be drying up around the time my class ends. If that prediction comes true, then my forecast for the evening looks a lot like this:
- Light the candles and say my prayers;
- Eat a healthy dinner; and
- Smoke cigars on the balcony while watching TV on my tablet.
Of course, at some point I will also take Her Floofness out for a walk. She refused to go this morning, which means that my current step count is 700. It is not that she just wouldn’t walk out the door, but she must have sensed that her best friend Charlie was with our neighbour, and she ran right to her door. That deprived me of the 2,200 steps I would normally take in the morning. She just might get a much longer walk this evening… but we’ll see.
Take care and Shabbat Shalom!
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Day 679
There is a simple rule in the universe: No matter what else you eat during a day, when you cheat by eating a bag of potato chips at midnight then you are going to gain weight the following day. Yeah, I know… it was a stupid thing to do, and I will not do it again. My weight jumped by about 1.5 lbs. overnight. It did not help that I had not been able to move my bowels since Sunday or Monday. That I was successfully able to do so later in the morning (after breakfast) bodes well for tomorrow… as long as I can stay on track. I am crossing my fingers that I can stay on track.
Life goes on… In a few minutes I am heading out for my ultrasound. I will work this afternoon, and weather permitting this evening I will enjoy a cigar on the balcony. Depending on how long I am at the appointment, I might be skipping lunch. If that is the case then I will stop off to buy a healthy snack.
See you tomorrow folks.
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Day 678
The simple rule of thumb is that the day after I order a Montreal smoked meat sandwich with a side of fries I will not lose weight. The fact that I did not gain weight is a triumph.
I fell asleep pretty easily last night, but that did not last. My eyes popped open a little before midnight, and I could not get back to sleep. Too many stresses going through my head. I finally got back to sleep around 1:30am but slept fitfully. I was waking up early to drive my buddy to the airport. It was great to have him here for a couple of days… I have not been having an easy time of things, and having a friend really helped. Now I will be getting back to my regular routine. If the weather warms up a little, I might even try to get out for a walk tomorrow.
I have an appointment tomorrow morning for my ultrasound. I am hoping they tell me that the scan is clear, but as I mentioned last week, I strongly suspect they will tell me I have a hernia. Sigh. There is no use worrying about it; they will do the scan and then my doctor will tell me if I need surgery or not.
I have not been eating too well these past couple of days, but I will get back on track today. I had my normal omelette for breakfast and will have chicken for lunch. I will most likely have fish for dinner, although that is not set in stone. I have to do some shopping today because the cupboards are nearly bare.
Speaking of which, I suppose I should head out. See you tomorrow.
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Day 677
Last night was a difficult, but I got through it. Afterward my friend and I went out for dinner, ending up at the pub down the street. I am not entirely sure why a pub needs to have a gluten-free night, but the truth is that I did not notice the absence of gluten in my fish and chips. Yes, I indulged. Normally I would not have – certainly not after 8:30pm – but I needed to eat, and my diet was not the primary concern. The fact that I did not have anything alcoholic is a huge victory.
The numbers on the bathroom scale were down this morning, but I am still slightly above the 250-pound mark. As I said, my weight goals are not my main focus right now, but it is good that I am still paying attention to it and not going absolutely over the cliff. After my call last night, I told my buddy that I could really go for a plate of deep-fried breaded wings with the sauce dripping, and he told me that it would be understandable. I told him that if I did that then it was a sign that I was giving up on my weight loss… that I was giving up on me. I am not there, but it was still tempting. We tried to go for Lebanese food, but the restaurant was closing; the pub was our fallback choice, and despite it being deep-fried, it was better than the wings. We went for breakfast this morning, and I had a plate of French Toast with berries. I know it was a cheat meal, but again… there were much worse choices that I could have made.
I am trying to stay focused and to stay on track. It is not easy, but I will continue to pray and to meditate, and to focus on what I need to do so that I can eventually get back to where I need to be. Hopefully what I am doing will be enough.
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Day 676
My weight jumped again this morning. While it was disappointing to be back above 250, I will not let that phase me. Certainly not when there are so many other things that are phasing me.
My buddy flew in this morning. It is good to have someone who I can talk to. This evening is the call I have been dreading, and I am trying to figure out how to get through the day… and then how I am going to handle that call.
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Day 675
My weight dropped below 250 this morning which was a nice relief. I still weigh 11 lbs. more than my best weight ever (which was over a month ago), but at least I dropped back below that horrible mark. Now all I have to do is work to stay there.
My diet buddy and I were speaking this morning and she asked me what I plan to do with regards to eating while my friend is in town. I told her that for the time being my biggest concerns are elsewhere; I am going to try to stay on track, but I suspect that for the two days that he is here that might be difficult… and of course there is the fact that I am in so much pain inside that I am just trying to keep it together. The fact that I have only had a single alcoholic drink these last three weeks is beyond belief.
I feel like a complete failure in so many ways and I just do not want to talk about it. I know that so many of my friends would be there for me if only I would reach out. For the time being I can count on a single hand how many people I have told of what’s going on. For someone who makes a point of always being there for my friends when they need help and support, I seem utterly uncapable of reaching out to them in my time of need. The fact that Jay is flying into town to support me reminds me that for the most part I have chosen my friends well. Through good times and bad…
I am trying to gird myself for one of the more emotionally difficult conversations that I will ever have tomorrow evening. At this point I do not know how it will go or what will come of it; I do not even know how I want it to go. I am only glad that when it is over, I will have a friend here who will help me after it is over.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
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Day 674
It is much later in the day than I would normally sit down to write my daily entry. Here I am.
I got a much later start than I normally would this morning. I did not get out of bed until 9:00am or so, which means that by the time I got home from taking her Floofness out it was closer to 10:00am. I made breakfast (as normal, if later). I then studied for thirty minutes before running out to have my haircut. When I came back home, I studied for another hour before deciding that I did not have any more time to get any smarter before I needed to sign in for my exam.
I have been trying to study all week, but my mind has just not been in it. I have really just been staring at words on the page; My mind was absorbing nothing. The only thing I had going for me was that I do know the field. Cybersecurity is not exactly unknown territory for me, although oftentimes the exam questions are written in a way that make really intelligent people scratch their heads. However much last-minute cramming I might get in, I was resigned to the fact that I was going to fail this exam.
I was not at all prepared for the exam, and as I sat looking at the screen, I was doing my best to just pick the answers that made me look least clueless. That was not an easy task. By the halfway mark, I was just hoping that my final score would not be too embarrassing. I was encouraged toward the end of the exam when the last ten or so questions seemed easier… not easy per se, but more straightforward; the answers were obvious if you understood the material. There was suddenly a chance that I would pull this off, but I was still doubtful.
I pressed the ‘Review’ button after I answered the last question. At this point I had the opportunity to review any questions I might have marked, but this is not something I normally do when sitting for certification exams. I clicked ‘End Review.’ At this point I just wanted to know if I passed… or how badly I failed. No! before that, there is a short survey they would like me to complete… not so much a survey as a questionnaire, and not so much short as… something like twenty questions. I answer them honestly, partly in protest but partly because I know soon enough, I will know for sure that I failed the exam. There is also a small part of me that is convinced that if you do not answer all of their questions honestly, they will dock you ten points from your final score. I know, that is not how it works… but maybe it is!?
Okay, it’s done. Now I will know for sure how badly I failed. The screen comes up telling me that the passing score is 750 (of a possible 900). My score is… 753. I let out the breath I had not realized I was holding in. I actually passed. I did not expect to pass. Monday or Tuesday I will receive an email from CompTIA congratulating me on my new certification. I called my buddy Jay who knows more about cybersecurity than I ever could, just so I could share the news with him. I did not make any more calls, although I did message one friend – a reader of the blog, who was chatting with me yesterday about it. I told her I was not likely to pass, and she told me she believed in me. I am happy to say that she was right. Funny… I don’t feel happy. It’s just a saying.
Alright, so where are we on the weight loss front? After the tremendous jump yesterday, I was relieved to see a slight drop on the bathroom scale this morning… although not as much as I would have liked. I had gained a full five pounds the previous day, so dropping only 1.4 lbs. this morning was a bit of a letdown… although an expected one. That kind of weight is not likely to shed off in one or two days. Yes, I am still above that dreaded 250 lbs. mark. I hope that tomorrow I can drop below it again. We’ll see.
It is now 7:15pm, and I reached out to my weight loss buddy to see if she is free for a call later tonight. If she is, then I will light up the balcony heater and pick a cigar. If not, then I will likely just stay inside and watch TV. I don’t know… we’ll see.
That’s all for today. See you tomorrow.
