I am still trying to get back on track. My weight this morning is 256 pounds. I want to stop this upward trend and get the hell back on track. If only it was easy. If only my life was a bit easier…
Author: Mitch Garvis
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Day 692
These last few days have been a very bad slide for me, and I have to put a stop to it. I have to get back on track. Just a few days ago I was hoping to see my weight drop below 250 lbs.; now I am almost a full pound over 255. I have to stop this and get back to it, but it is so hard. Emotional eating is such a challenge. Having junk food in the house (a Christmas present from a company I teach for) was a huge temptation. I should have given the entire basket away unopened. Instead I devoured it all, and my weight loss journey has taken a body blow from that. It is mostly all gone (two gluttonous days) and I can redouble my efforts to focus. Do not buy any junk food. If I can do that then I can at least get back to a somewhat normal routine again.
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Day 691
My work schedule changed this week. Beginning yesterday I was teaching from 9am – 1:00pm, and then I had six hours off and taught from 7:00pm – 11:00pm. The change made me change my food schedule, so I had my breakfast as usual, and then after class I prepared my lunch. I was not hungry again before class, and I knew that I would not be able to eat again unless I ate a very late meal. I opted instead for a meal replacement shake, which I had not done in a couple of months. I was hungry again after class, so I had an apple. I was hopeful that I would not gain weight because of that late-night fruit. And then I saw the holiday basket that I received last week… and I started going nuts. I fell off the wagon last night and today.
I am done. I am throwing the rest of it away and will try to be back on track tomorrow. I hate what I am doing to myself. I have to pull myself back onto the right path.
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Day 690
The weekend was one giant dumpster fire of cheating. I am really hoping that it is now behind me, and that I can get back on track this week. I will not list all of the ways that I cheated but suffice it to say quite a few of them were emotional eating based on my current levels of depression.
I have gained two pounds in these last five days. I know that if I can rein my eating in for the next few days that I will get back to where I was a week ago. Once I do that then I can continue on and try to get back down to my best weight ever.
I have started to think that maybe where I am (hovering around the 250 lbs. mark) is where I am meant to be. I am not willing to accept that so quickly though. I think the combination of how busy I have been and how depressed and despondent I have been have made it easy to think that. I am not done trying to get back down to within a more reasonable range – if I can get down to 220 lbs. then I will be satisfied. If I can get lower than that, then even better. We will see… I have to get out of my emotional funk before I decide what I am going to do about my weight. For the time being, the most that I can do is to stop falling off the wagon and not cheat. It has not been an easy month. The coming month will be no easier.
See you tomorrow.
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Day 688
Another week goes by, and I have the weekend to decompress somewhat. I have a few appointments today with friends which will be nice, and in the evening I will go to my kids’ and light the candles with them for the third night of Chanukah, and then will take my son the younger for dinner. I would love to then have a relaxing evening and hopefully get some real sleep. We’ll see… it has not been working this past month, but maybe tonight will be different.
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Day 687
Some people might try to read into the fact that I skipped lunch yesterday. They might ask if I went overboard with my breakfast outing with my friend; they might even ask if, knowing I was that close to dropping back below the 250 mark, I might not be trying to starve myself. The answer to both those questions is no. After breakfast my buddy came over for a cigar. I really needed someone to talk to, and he is one of the few people who knows what is going on, and who has all of the background information. I think he probably gave me good advice. Whether or not I take it… that’s the question. It is not always so easy, even when we recognize the advice is good, to follow it.
Anyways, by the time he left, it was time for me to start my class. I told myself that I would make myself a shake between logging on and starting class, but as soon as I logged in I had students asking me questions. Okay, that’s the entire reason I log in early. I would make my meal replacement during the break. By then, I was not feeling very hungry, and I knew that I would be having dinner in a couple of hours. Bottom line… I ate one less meal than I normally would. Did that affect my reading on the bathroom scale this morning…? It did not. At least, it did not affect it in a good way. My weight was up nearly a full pound from yesterday. Grumble…
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Day 686
I finished my lunch yesterday and then sat down at my computer to log in to my class a little early. As I sat down at my computer, I started feeling a bit of discomfort in my stomach. I went to the washroom and had my most successful bowel movement in weeks. I was shocked that there was so much inside me waiting to come out. I was thinking that I would not be at all surprised if the next morning my weight might drop by a couple of pounds! I actually felt like I shed five pounds, although I know that it does not quite work like that. Still and all, I was happy be finally clear my insides of so much waste. I had been concerned that the discomfort happened shortly after eating my lunch, and worried for a minute that I might not have cooked my chicken thoroughly, thus causing possible food poisoning issues. No, everything was healthy. I was able to return to my computer in plenty of time to teach, but without the discomfort.
It may not have been quite so dramatic, but the bathroom scale did reward me with a drop of nearly 2 lbs. from yesterday morning. That is nothing to sneeze at. I am still not below 250, but I am much closer than I was a day ago. I will keep that in mind when I meet my buddy for breakfast in a little while. The last time I went out for breakfast with my friend who came from out of town I ordered French toast with maple syrup. I will not do that today. I will order something more in line with what I would normally eat, which is to say something that is not detrimental to my weight loss goals. I may not be completely on track these days, but with what I am going through I am proud of myself for not having gained a lot more weight. It would have been so easy to just fall off the wagon completely. That has not happened.
Tonight is the first light of Chanukah. I will light the chanukiah as I always do… and hopefully this weekend I will be able to do so with my kids.
I suppose it is time to head out. My friend and I are meeting earlier than I would normally want to be up, but that’s what we do for friends.
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Day 685
You would think that days when I teach until 11pm I would be getting to bed reasonably soon after that. The last few nights I have lay in bed tossing and turning with difficult and depressing thoughts keeping me awake, so last night I decided to shake things up a little. After class I had a cigar on the balcony as I watched TV. I fell asleep at around the same time (maybe 3am), but at least I did not spend three hours in depressive misery leading up to that.
My weight stayed the same this morning. I’m okay with that. I do not want to gain any more, but my diet it still not the most pressing thing on my mind. I am still above 250, but if I can stay put for a few days I’ll be happy.
I picked my car up from the mechanic this morning. I left it with him yesterday because my brakes needed to be replaced, so this morning I drove home feeling just a little bit safer. He and I were talking yesterday about how so many people wait until the last minute to put their winter tires on. I always make a point of doing that around the middle of November, so with winter wheels and new brakes I am as safe as I can be.
See you tomorrow.
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Day 684
It’s another hard day after another long night. I fall asleep after tossing and turning for hours. It’s little wonder that I am groggy throughout the day.
