Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 555

    I neither lost nor gained weight this morning. Thus, the day before I fly home to Canada, I still weigh about 1.6 lbs. less than I did the day I flew here… although that morning I weighed myself at 3:00am, so it really does not count. By the following morning (my first day waking up in Dallas for this trip) I weighed 2.6 lbs. more than I do this morning. I am satisfied that while I could have done better during this trip, I also could have done much worse.

    I know these last few days I have been snacking more than I should; I have to put a stop to that. When I am back in Canada, I am going to redouble my efforts to do that. I might even go back onto a partial program for a few weeks, but that will depend on a number of factors. In the meantime, today is the last day that I am going to have to worry about the actual meals having to appeal to an eight-year-old boy, which should make my eating a little better going forward.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 554

    I was disappointed this morning to see that I actually gained another half pound yesterday. With that said, while I remember what I ate for dinner, I cannot recall what I had for lunch. I did not go out to eat, but when Leslie’s son is here, it is hard to make good choices because we have to take his finicky eating (perfectly normal for his age) into account. As an example, dinner was tacos. If I can keep with my exercising, then I suspect that once I am back in Canada I will be able to continue to lose weight. It is a simple matter of not having to take anyone else into account when preparing food.

    I remember the first time I went through the program in 2017. I was in a group at the clinic, and I was far and away the most successful on the program. I thought at the time that it was because I was just more disciplined than they were; now I realize that a big part of that was that I lived alone. When having to prepare food for others it is not so simple to stay disciplined, is it?

    This morning I was not only able but was more or less obligated to go out for my daily exercise. Leslie had two important meetings for which she was to be on camera the entire time (and speaking as well). I told her that for her first meeting I would go out for my walk; between the two meetings I would come in to shower and shave and be on the balcony with a cup of coffee and my cigar in time for her second meeting to start. That is exactly what happened, and that is exactly where I am now. If you have been reading my journal this past week, then you will know that there was one day when I tried to jog, and immediately realized that my ankle was having some issues, so I pulled up and walked instead. I decided to try again this morning, even if it was only for one or two kilometres. When I stepped out of the apartment it was barely 82° which is hot in Canada, but pretty cool in Dallas in July. Still, I was not sure if it would be sustainable. I pushed myself to jog for twenty minutes because one of the apps that I use discards anything less (for a particular challenge, not for my overall stats). Had I been thinking at the time, I would have continued jogging to round up to 3km, but was just considering the time, and so I jogged 2.72km this morning, making pretty decent time (considering it was my first jog in quite some time). I then reset my counters and started walking. Before I set out, I wanted to complete 10km, and so as I walked into the apartment complex about 700m short, I walked around the buildings until my watch read 7.3kms. I am quite satisfied with my exercising for the week, with 42km recorded since Monday. As long as I get out tomorrow morning, I will easily hit 50km for the week, with only one day off (Wednesday).

    Leslie asked me an important question a few nights ago. She knows that I had my weight down to 250 lbs. just two months ago before I fell off a bit, and by the middle of this month, I peaked just shy of 25 lbs. heavier than that. She loves me either way, but she wants me to be happy, and wanted to know what would happen if I realized that I could not get below 250 lbs.? I told her that I had certainly given a lot of thought to where I would eventually end up, and what I would do or how I would feel if what I have often stated my ultimate as was indeed unachievable. I told her that I know I can get below 250 lbs. for certain, but I would continue to listen to my body. Yes, I have taken several breaks from the program, and have stopped losing weight a number of times over the course of these last 18 months. On a few of those occasions (as with this one) I have even gained back a lot of the weight I had lost, before getting back on track. Without looking it up, I am guessing that this past relapse – during which I at one point had given back nearly 25 lbs. – was the worst, but it is by no means the only one. If I follow the patterns of the previous relapses (which were more realistically plateaus), then I will finally decide that it is time to push forward; I will redouble my efforts, and I will get back on track. I do not know if this is the first time I put words to it, but I do know that at my age it is possible that getting below 200 lbs. may not be realistic. What about 230 lbs.? What about 220? I am going to listen to my body, and at a certain point I am going to decide that I am happy with myself, and I am not going to continue depriving myself. When I get to that point, I am going to set a range, and I am going to force myself to stay in that range. For example, were I to decide that 220 lbs. is where I am comfortable, then I will stop dieting. I will not, however, stop being mindful, and I will not stop weighing myself on a daily basis. If I realize that after a few weeks of letting myself go – holidays, vacations, whatever the reason – I see that I am pushing 230 lbs., then I will go on a diet to get myself back to that ideal weight again. I will never let myself go again to the point where I have gained even 25 lbs., not to even speak of going back to being morbidly obese. That idea scares me to no end.

    Unfortunately I know that I am a food addict, and I have to pay extra care to not let that happen. I can never revert to the gluttonous ways that got me to my heaviest weight – and did it three times, no less. How does someone go from being a soldier to being a fat slob? The only way that could happen was if I had psychological issues, which I did… and not only my addiction. Indeed, many of those issues and traumas are likely what led to my addiction. I have come to learn how to manage those issues, and I think I am much healthier mentally now than I have been at any point these last thirty years. Still, I can never forget; I can never let myself go. My obesity exasperated my psychological issues, and that is a vicious course that I do not want to get back onto again.

    With this entry, my journal has surpassed 500,000 words. I am no longer at my lowest weight ever, but I am still 130 lbs. lighter than I was the day I wrote my first one. I am still a work in progress, and I doubt anyone will ever read this entire tome. Still, I am proud of what I have accomplished so far… and will continue to journal my thoughts until I am satisfied that I am where I need to be. Once I am there, I will wait another year before declaring victory. Before that, I will earn my Fourth Dan Black Belt, and with a little perseverance, next year I can run that marathon that I once told my first wife that I would run. Of course, I told her I wanted to run the Buenos Aires Marathon, and that might not happen… but there are marathons closer to home too… wherever home will be when I am ready.

    Because of my tight schedule, I skipped breakfast this morning, and so I am going to go prepare my lunch. Despite skipping breakfast, I will not go overboard. I am going to prepare a chicken breast with a side of rice. For dinner, I am going to tell Leslie to take Armin for whatever he likes so that I can, after my evening class, just have a salad. To honour the Sabbath I might even share a bottle of wine with my wife… there is a very lovely bottle of Veuve Cliquot which we both enjoy that we have been chilling. I think that for now I will do well with moderation… rather than deprivation.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 553

    I did not gain nearly two pounds overnight because of a single bad choice yesterday, but rather because of several bad choices, including bread, Chinese food for lunch, and a subway sandwich (with a bag of chips) for dinner… to say nothing of the two bowls of cereal I ate before I started teaching my class. The equation is simple: When Mitch eats lots of unhealthy and fattening foods, Mitch gains weight. Why then is it so difficult to curb my bad decisions? I have a lot of ideas around that, and it is not a single answer. I have to keep on top of things, I have to stay mindful.

    The bad news from the bathroom scale is not the reason I embarked on my 10km walk this morning. I had said that I wanted to do as much walking this week as I could, hopefully every day, or nearly so. I took yesterday off for a couple of reasons which I outlined in yesterday’s article, but the fact that I was back at it today is not compensating for anything, rather it is staying on track with my previously stated objective. Fortunately I took the appropriate steps to not get lost again today!

    As I stepped from the apartment this morning the weather app on my phone read 83°. By the time I got home, it was pushing 91°. I was glad to get home and rehydrate – I had gone through my water bottle during my walk, but I needed to down a couple more bottles when I came in. I then stood under the shower for a few minutes as I rinsed the sweat from my body.

    I am going to try to get some work done this afternoon, although I plan to run some errands as well. I need shampoo, and I want to drop into the store where I got my eyeglasses to ask them a question. I do not know if I will pick up lunch for us, or if we will eat Leslie’s yummy chicken salad which she prepared yesterday. As I wrote yesterday, our food will now be subject to the likes of her eight-year-old son. Fortunately when I am not distracted, I can focus on making smart choices, which I did not do yesterday evening with the subway sandwich. While I doubt we will be enjoying our drive-thru salad joint every day, at least most of the places we might eat will offer some reasonable options to choose from.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 552

    It happened again. I realized yesterday after I posted my article online that I had flubbed my days. It was only a couple of days since it happened, and it only took me three minutes to go back and fix it all. We are back on track, and today is really day 552.

    I must be spoiled. I was disappointed this morning that I only lost .2 lb. from yesterday. I have to keep reminding myself that the medical community agrees that a healthy rate of weight loss should only be 2-3 lbs. per week, and not the tremendous losses I like to see when I am following my program… or even my modified program. I also have to remember that I once wrote that one pound lost is three pounds of progress.

    I prepared a lovely dinner of breaded salmon last night, and Leslie took care of the side dishes (steamed vegetables with a cheesy sauce and basmati rice). It was delicious and quite satisfying. It was still stifling hot outside, so we waited an hour or so before we took up our positions on the balcony with our cigars. I love that ritual, and love that even though we cannot live together yet, we can be together for these brief visits and enjoy them. When we are in our respective countries we still enjoy the ritual, but over video conference… it is much more enjoyable when I can reach out and touch her than when I have to look at her through the rectangle of my phone.

    I decided to refrain from walking this morning for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I overdid it yesterday. That is not to say that I am in pain or discomfort, but one should always be aware of one’s own body. I am not a young man anymore, and while I want to push myself like the soldier I once was, I know that I cannot do that. I have been doing great this year, don’t get me wrong. I am in better shape now than I have been in a few years, and I am satisfied that I am doing what I can to change myself for the better. The second reason I took this morning off is because I told Leslie that I would make shakshuka for breakfast! It is my first kick at this particular can, and I am looking forward to eating the results. It is ready, and I am just waiting for Leslie’s meeting to finish before we eat. If it came out well, then I do not see why I cannot make it for us (or for myself when I am in Canada) from time to time… there is nothing unhealthy or fattening about it. If it did not come out well, then I will not give up… I will just find a different recipe. I always enjoyed it, and when the rabbi’s wife made it for our wedding reception Leslie really loved it. It will definitely be the most complicated food in my repertoire, but that does not mean it is terribly complex… only that most of my recipes are pretty simple.

    It is a lovely day, and the forecast is for another hot and sunny one. I am sitting on the balcony with my coffee writing my article, and right now it is gorgeous – 85° Fahrenheit with a bit of a breeze. The forecast high is 104°, which for us Canadians translates to holy crap it’s hot degrees out! Seriously, it is 40° Celsius, which is the absolute (pre-humidex) temperature. When I read yesterday’s temperature of 105° Fahrenheit, it said ‘Feels like 110°’. Unless you are boiling water that is hot no matter how you slice it. I will try to remember these hot days in the dead of winter when I am bundled up in sixteen layers to take Her Floofness for her walks.

    Leslie’s son is coming home today for the week, which is wonderful… except it means that our food will be somewhat dependent on the likes and pickiness of an eight-year-old boy. I have to maintain my mindfulness and not indulge in bad (but enjoyable) foods, or at least be careful with portion sizes. I am sure there will be a fast-food meal or at least something like that. I’ll try to keep at the front of my mind that I have worked too hard and come too far to let myself go; I have also done too much of that these last few months, and now that I am starting to get back on track, it would be a travesty to fall off so quickly.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 551

    It would have been nice to see a bit more of a drop in weight on the bathroom scale this morning, but I really should be grateful for the .4 lb. loss considering the factors: 1) I had two slices of Chicago-style pizza for lunch, and 2) I did not have a successful bowel movement this morning. Even so, it would have been nice to see something more drastic. It is nice to have dropped below 265 lbs., and while it is only by a hair, I am also at the same weight I was last Wednesday, the day my weight was lowest during this trip, before the disastrous Chinese meal of MSG with a side of General Tao chicken added three pounds in a single day.

    My alarm went off promptly at 7:00am, and I went about my morning routine. I then suited up and went for a walk. I was hoping to either meet or just slightly surpass yesterday’s 9km walk. I actually tried, for the first 200m out of the apartment complex, to jog; I realized quickly that my ankle was not up to it, so I slowed to a walk. I was doing just fine on a new route that I had not taken before, but it was mostly familiar territory. The roads around here are not straight, and it is easy to get a bit turned around if you are not careful; it was a simple mistake – a right turn instead of a left turn (right after nearly getting hit by a car who was more concerned with getting to her destination than in looking where she was driving) that added 3 miles onto the outing, which ended up being a pretty impressive 13.15 km… a little over 8.1 miles. When I walked into the apartment I was dripping, with the thermostat reading 89°. There had not been a cloud in the sky from the time I stepped out of the apartment… two hours and ten minutes earlier.

    I should mention at this point that I left the house without eating, so Leslie and I enjoyed an early lunch which I picked up from our favourite drive-thru salad joint. Still peckish, I supplemented my salad with two pieces of bread with peanut butter. I hope that will hold me until dinner.

    Whether or not I am going to walk tomorrow is still up in the air. I want to see how my feet feel after today’s outing before I make a decision.

    This evening is our last night alone together before her son comes back tomorrow, and I am going to prepare a nice piece of fish, and Leslie will prepare rice. We have a bottle of champagne that we will likely share with a nice cigar after dark… or maybe we will go down to the pool and relax in the water as we smoke. We can do what we want, as long as we are together.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 550

    Yesterday I realized a real change in myself and my eating. Leslie and I did go for lunch to the Chicago-style pizza restaurant, and we did share a 12” deep dish vegetarian pizza (which unfortunately did have green peppers in it despite our asking for it without). I had three of the eight slices, and we packed the remaining three slices to take home with us. We then went for our coffee and beignet, which was delicious, although Leslie assures me that she can make better… and I believe her. So far, none of this is a change. Yes, I stopped after three slices, and I might have eaten a fourth… but that’s not huge. What is huge is that when it came time to eat dinner I thought about the pizza in the fridge and knew that I could not possibly touch it. I might have it tomorrow… but I had a much lighter dinner than that.

    Over drinks and cigars on the patio I thought of my trips to Chicago back in my ‘road warrior’ days, when I was traveling to different cities to teach every week. In July 2012 I was in Chicago for a week and I probably ate deep-dish pizza every evening for dinner. What I should say is that I ate an entire deep-dish pizza every evening for dinner. It would have been the smallest one on the menu, but it was still quite significant. As I mentioned to Leslie, there were very good reasons why I ballooned to nearly 400 lbs. To think that I have not only changed my attitude to not want to eat like that, but also my physiology to not being able to do it… that is a huge change. I suppose the ravages of aging play a part in this as well… I had just turned forty at that point, and I look back at my old self from the far side of my fifty-first birthday and realize that I wish I had done a lot of things differently. It is never too late to start developing good habits, and I am trying.

    Despite the planned cheating of the pizza lunch and beignet dessert, and because I planned for that and ate properly the rest of the day, I was pleased to see a drop in weight from yesterday of nearly a pound. I was completely surprised… but pleasantly so.

    I woke up earlier yesterday morning than I have the last week and thought briefly about going for a walk. I decided instead to make a cup of coffee to enjoy on the balcony with a cigar while chatting with family and reading my book. I did not regret it, but I did tell Leslie that if I were to wake up early again this week that I would go out for a walk. I decided then to go one step further: I would set an alarm for 7:00am every morning and try to walk. While I made a mistake with the alarm for today, I still opened my eyes around 7:15am and did go out for a walk. While the mercury would top out at 103° today, it would not reach that until a bit later. I walked 5.6 miles (9km) at a pretty good pace, and by the time I got home it was still only in the high-80s. I showered and went about my day feeling good in the knowledge that I had exercised.

    I picked up salads for lunch as usually. The plan had been to eat the leftover pizza for dinner. I decided, not wanting to eat such a heavy meal after my evening class (which only ends at 8:00pm), that I would have the pizza for lunch and save the salad for my evening meal. I suspect that was the smart move on my part. I will know better once I step onto the bathroom scale tomorrow morning.

    I had a very productive business meeting in the afternoon, and am home in time to start teaching, which I will do once I press publish on this piece, which I will do now.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 549

    I did pretty well yesterday, and the bathroom scale rewarded me this morning with a 1.2 lb. drop from yesterday. With that said, I plan to be bad today (at least for lunch) and expect to give most of it back tomorrow. Leslie and I decided that we are going to share a Chicago deep-dish pizza for lunch. After that, we will go to a New Orleans style coffee house for a coffee and a beignet. The only redeeming quality of the beignet is the taste, and it is a very rare occasion indeed when I would even look at one.

    Knowing of my plans, I suspect that I will not be losing weight tomorrow… and that is okay. Now that I am no longer morbidly obese, I can take these cheat days. I plan for them and will not do it too often.

    As we discussed it last night, I mentioned that this will be the first time I will ever enjoy a Chicago pizza without meat. I have been observing the Jewish dietary laws for slightly over two years now, and I have not had opportunity to have one in that time. It will be a different experience for sure, but one that is more aligned with my beliefs that I have been getting more in touch with these last few years, and which I started observing when my father passed away. I cannot believe it has been more than two years. I had a long conversation with his partner this morning and we discussed him as we often do. We both miss him, and hope that he is sitting in the Garden of Eden looking down fondly at us. I wish he could have met Leslie.

    It is another lovely day in Dallas, and I woke up early so after showering I decided to make a cup of coffee and enjoy it with a cigar on the balcony. When Leslie wakes up I will make breakfast for us, and we will go about our day. In the meantime, I think this is the first time this month that I will publish this journal entry before noon.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 548

    I was mostly good with my eating yesterday, so I was a little disappointed to discover that my weight this morning had not dropped from yesterday. I also know that there will always be days like that, and not to worry or get down about it. Leslie prepared dim sum for dinner last night which was delicious, but I suspect the wrapper is high in carbohydrates; that, combined with the bottle of wine that we shared, might have been a factor. Other than that I ate pretty well.

    This morning Leslie served me breakfast of overnight oats with blueberries. It was delicious! We are going to a movie in the early afternoon so I suspect that we will forego lunch for popcorn. For dinner I will prepare a chicken breast with Corn Flakes breadcrumbs, and a side dish of rice. It should be delicious… and not unhealthy.

    It is a lovely day and we are enjoying the start to our weekend together. We had a very interesting discussion about weight loss attitudes which I will write about… but not today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 547

    Yesterday went about according to plan. The only aberration was the cupcake that I shared with Leslie. She had bought four the previous day and there was one left. Other than that, we had our salad for lunch, and in the evening, we went to the Davidoff dinner at The Cigar Lounge at Chamberlain’s. The food was magnificent, although we did have to tread carefully to avoid eating treyf.

    Treyf is the Yiddish word used for something that is not kosher. While Leslie and I do not observe the laws of kashruth (kosher) as strictly as some, we nonetheless do not eat pork or seafood, and we will not mix dairy with meat.

    Of the three appetizers that were provided for us, two had pork in them. They did agree to bring us the deviled eggs without the bacon toppings, and they eventually confirmed that the bison meat balls did not contain any pork. We then had to contend with the salad (which they originally brought with cheese), and the potatoes (all of their usual options contain dairy; they did offer us a baked potato, which was delicious). Of the main course options, three of them were fine, and we both opted for the filet mignon. It was out of this world! I paired these with a Diet Coke with a wedge of lemon. Eventually one of the attendees ordered a glass of bourbon for everyone, and I drank mine and part of Leslie’s (she does not like bourbon at all). When all is said and done, this was a cheat meal… but not a particularly bad cheat.

    This morning I started out with an omelette, and then I went to Starbucks to get coffee for us to enjoy on the balcony with a cigar. Leslie’s morning schedule was light, and she had her phone with her in case there were any urgent calls or e-mails. Our lunch was our usual salad from our favourite place. I find it interesting that I actually prefer my salads from there with tofu over the chicken. It is not only because I can have the creamy dressings when I choose to, but also because their chicken is not the best. I still love chicken… just not theirs. At the same time, I do not mind their tofu… but I am not rushing to start preparing tofu steaks at home.

    We have not decided what we will do about dinner this evening, but we will figure that out soon enough. I am teaching until 8:00pm, and then we will light the Sabbath candles and enjoy our Sabbath meal together. I thought for a minute about picking up a challah but decided against it. Between the bread that I ate before the meal last night, and the hamburger buns I had for lunch a couple of days ago, I feel I have had enough bread for the week. We will enjoy a bottle of wine though… which we will pair with a lovely cigar after the meal.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 546

    I do not often look at my document statistics, so I was surprised when I glanced at the bottom-left corner of my journal yesterday and saw that I am fast approaching 500,000 words. It is by far the longest document I have ever written. I have essentially written eighty percent of Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Hopefully by the time the war is over I will be beyond the need to continue to lose weight. We’ll see…

    Yesterday was not a good day on my weight management program. I enjoyed the cupcake that was proffered to honour Leslie’s father’s (and her son’s grandfather) birthday, which was sad for both of them. The sadness was heightened by our knowledge that he (the son) was going back to his father’s in the evening for a week.

    As we had discussed, Leslie and I went for Chinese food after my class. The restaurant was terrible, and we will not be going back. I have to assume that the chicken deep-fried in a mixture of oil and sodium is the real reason for the shock of the bathroom scale this morning. I hope that tomorrow some of the three pounds that I was up today will be lost. If only the food had been worth it, I might not be so glum about it.

    The three of us spent some time in the pool in the afternoon which was nice.

    This evening is the Davidoff dinner that Leslie and I have been looking forward to. I do not plan to go overboard, but I will also not just eat a salad. It is being held at a very well regarded steakhouse in town, and I will have my first steak since we celebrated our wedding anniversary nearly a month ago.

    Have a great day folks!