Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 565

    I cheated yesterday. In the afternoon I had a second omelette, followed by two meatless hamburger patties that I had left in the freezer. This was before I had two glasses of whisky during my final cigar sommelier class. I regret it and will try to do better today. You might ask, dear reader, if I have any food left in the house with which I could cheat without actually going shopping. The answer is yes, there is. While the refrigerator is empty, there is canned salmon and tuna in the pantry, as well as pasta with bottles of sauce. I will ignore them… but there is the option of cheating should my willpower falter again. That is to say nothing of the reality that I can so easily go to the supermarket should I so choose.

    I must stay strong.

    Possibly as a way to remind me what happens when I do not stay vigilant, I was extremely displeased to see my weight up nearly a pound from yesterday on the bathroom scale. This despite having finally being able to move my bowels yesterday afternoon. Yes, I know… eating too much does not get erased because of a good poop. If it did then I would never have gained all the weight in the first place! I should also remember that over three days I lost a lot of weight, and it is not unusual for there to be a slight adjustment from time to time. That it was as much as it was is my reminder that overeating, and then adding alcohol to the mix, is not a good strategy for weight loss. I will do better today.

    My presentation went well l last night, and I am now officially a Habanos Sommelier. What will I do with that credential? I do not know. For the time being I am just happy to have it . I just posted it to my LinkedIn profile. Will it ever result in my getting gigs? Probably the occasional one. Am I ever going to rely on my cigar knowledge to earn a living? No. It is nice to have though… for someone who is so passionate about cigars.

    Okay, I have procrastinated enough. I am going to post this article and then make a few phone calls. I have had too many interruptions, and somehow it is already noon! I am going to try to wait until 1:00pm to have my meal replacement, after which I might try to go for a jog. We’ll see. I do have a few minor errands to run today, but nothing too stressful or taxing. I do have to do some studying for a class I am teaching next month. I do not know if there will be a lot of new material in it, but I do need to go through it because of the different way this material is likely to be structured and communicated.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 564

    My streak of checking my food intake and eating smart continues, and my weight loss streak continues, albeit with a lower drop than I have enjoyed these last few days. I am satisfied that down is better than up… and even better than staying the same. I am encouraged that I am able to get back on the horse… at least for these last few days. I will do everything I can to continue that streak into today… and into the rest of the week!

    Another unfortunate streak that is also continuing is my inability to have a bowel movement. I do not recall if today is Day 2 or Day 3, but I am hoping that whatever the number, it goes no further. It would be nice to feel the urge, and to go before the day is out. We will see. If not, then tomorrow morning at the latest. I can only hope! Well, that is not entirely true… I also added a teaspoon of fibre in one of my meal replacement shakes yesterday and will do the same today. Hope is not a strategy, and when there Is action that can be taken then one would be foolish to not do so.

    After Eduardo left yesterday afternoon I went for a walk. I suspect I broke a couple of personal records during the 12.3km outing. I was extremely pleased with my pace throughout, and while I did feel like my legs were made of jelly when I got up in the night, I am satisfied that when I suit up and go out, I am not wasting my time. Even better, when I came back in, I had a meal replacement shake (after I got out of the shower), and that was it for the evening. The combination of sticking to the plan with regard to food and ramping up my exercise… the results are going to come.

    I mentioned that my wife decided to start the American version of the meal replacement program that I have used (not always religiously) to get to where I am. She is certainly competitive but at the same time realistic. With that said, I am suspicious that when she challenged me that she could drop forty pounds before I could, she might have been doing it with the ulterior motive of encouraging me to get back onto the program religiously, and to blast out of the plateau in which I have been. My wife is no dummy! She knows that while I might not be as competitive as she, I am not one to back down from a challenge. We discussed last night some stratagem she could use to monitor and celebrate her progress, which gave me an idea that I had not tried before. I printed out a table with today’s weight and date at the top of it, and under it numbers descending in increments of two. Every time I drop below the weight on the chart, I will cross it off and write the date on the line next to it. The last is printed in red and has the stakes of the bet at the end of it. I do not know which of us will reach our goal first; I do know that this is a very good way to motivate me to get back on track.

    This evening is my final presentation for my Habanos Sommelier class, and I am going to spend some time today working on it. I have translated it into Spanish so it will not be nearly as easy for me to get through as it would be in English, so not only am I going to edit it down some, but I also plan to practice to make sure I am not going to trip over any of the harder words. I am excited about it but also nervous. Once it is behind me, I will be a Habanos Sommelier! I had a dream last night that I had a phone call with the Master and told him that I wanted to start delivering the classes in English. This is likely because someone over the last few days asked me if I might do that someday, and I told them my Spanish was not good enough. It is something I will think about.

    The only necessary aberration from my food plan for today is what I will pair with my cigars during my presentation. I will have a sip of each of the whiskies, and I might or might not open the bottle of wine… but it is unlikely, as the presentation is about ten minutes, and were I doing the actual pairing I would not be going to the wine before forty-five minutes into the cigar. Because of that I will not need to indulge in the dark chocolate either… which is probably a good thing, even though I would love it!

    Yesterday I finished the last of the lettuce that I had in the house, and starting today I am dropping to one solid meal per day (breakfast). I have eggs left for three more days which means that Thursday afternoon I will either go shopping, or I will decide to drop down to the full meal replacement program for however long I decide to do it. I have not thought that far ahead, but I know that if I go back to the full program, I will have an advantage in my bet with Leslie. It is not that she is not sticking to the program, but it is a known fact that men lose weight faster than women. So who knows how much closer I could be to my ultimate goal when Leslie and I meet in California in September if I do that? How amazing would it be if I could drop 25 lbs. between now and the end of September? It is absolutely doable… as long as I stay focused, mindful, and redouble my efforts to succeed.

    Alright, I have some work to get to so I will close today’s entry here. I have to work on my presentation, which is easier to do in English than it is in English and Spanish.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 563

    I have now dropped 6.2 lbs. in three days, and I am feeling more confident that I am starting – ever so slowly, mind you – to get back on track. I am now back to what I weighed toward the end of Leslie’s trip to Canada, although I am still six pounds heavier than I was just a few days prior to that. While it is nice to see how I am doing compared to different points during my plateau, my current short-term goal is to get back down to my best weight ever; on May 27 (Day 492) I weighed 250 lbs., and that is when my plateau and slipping began.

    I went to bed hungry last night. I had eaten my salad for dinner around 8:00pm, and then I had a lovely cigar date with my wife on the balcony. I considered having a meal replacement when I came in, but I decided against it. I will say that I have been drinking a lot of water these last few days, and that is probably helping with my appetite somewhat.

    My plans for the day are all close to home. I have my presentation to work on, and when Leslie is ready, we will have another video date. After lunch (around 2:00pm) my friend Eduardo is coming for a visit, and it will be nice to catch up with him. I cannot remember the last time we got together, but that does not matter. He will come over and it will be as if no time has passed.

    My food plans are simple. I had my omelette this morning. I will have a salad for lunch. In the late afternoon or early evening I will make a meal replacement shake. Whether I have a second one later in the evening will depend on what time I have my earlier one. I am not going to allow myself to eat late at night… even if it is a protein shake.

    My next doctor’s appointment is at the end of the month, and I am really hoping that by then I am really back on track so that I can show my new doctor that I am serious. When I was there last week she asked if I wanted the nurse to weigh me and I declined, knowing how bad I had been. That was a mistake; I always advocate facing up to those embarrassing weight jumps because when you do get back on track you will see what you recovered from. I weigh myself on the bathroom scale ever day, so I know that I weighed an embarrassing 271.2 lbs. (123kg) that morning. I know that this morning (6 days later) I am eight pounds down from that morning. My next appointment is in 2.5 weeks and by then I would really love to be back down below my best weight ever… and according to the medical records that is 116kg, which means I only need to lose another 3.4kg from what I weigh this morning… about 7.5 lbs. I want to do much better than that though. If I can lose 13-14 lbs in that time, then I will break right through that 250 lbs. mental barrier that I have no recollection of ever weighing… at least not since the Army. It is an ambitious goal to be sure… now that I do the math that would mean I need to lose about 5 lbs. per week. While that is not unheard of, I think it happened a lot more when I had much more weight to shed. Okay, I will be happy to get down to 255 lbs., which will still be slightly under my previous best medical weigh-in.

    Okay, it is time for me to stop procrastinating. Let’s get some work done.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 562

    Yesterday was my second really good day at watching myself carefully, and it paid off… at least, it has so far; two days is far to short a period to claim that I am back on track. The fact that I am down five pounds in those two days is encouraging, but it is neither a trend nor indication of a formed habit. I have a ways to go before I can claim either of those. Knowing myself, the former will come much easier than the latter. If bad habits were easy for me to change and good habits easy for me to form, then I would not have regained all of the weight that I did both times that had lost so much weight, and then regained it all back. I suppose I do not even have to look that far back! How many times have I fallen into a plateau and even slipped back before finally righting things these last five hundred and sixty-two days? I might have too hard a head to adopt good habits… and too much of an addict to shed the bad ones I have. It will only be with constant mindfulness that I will lose the weight and ultimately keep it off.

    This afternoon was a real test for me. I took my son (the younger) for lunch. My most avid readers will guess (correctly) that he opted for Lone Star Grill. I have, in the past, reviewed their menu, and know the smart choices to order for myself… and to eat as he enjoys his queso and chips and a plate of chicken wings deep fried and breaded. Never mind what I might order, my plans go out the window the moment I start going for the nacho chips and salsa that they bring before you even order your meal. I told Leslie this morning even before I knew where my son would ultimately ask to go that this would be my greatest challenge. Let me cut to the last page: I succeeded! I ordered a glass of water, and I did not touch the chips; the only things that I ate as my son ate were his two carrot sticks, and as we were getting ready to leave, I took two forkfuls of salsa (no chips). I consider that a huge victory of my willpower over my base desires.

    My plan was to drop him off and then come home and make a salad for myself. It was only as I was walking into my building that I remembered that I did not have any onions in the house. I switched my plans around and made a meal replacement shake for lunch; I had to go out later, so I would stop in at the supermarket and pick up onions. How was this a priority? Onions are a major part of my omelette!

    It is nearly 8:00pm and I am going to make my salad and then have a cigar with my wife. How great would it be to see my weight drop for a third consecutive morning tomorrow?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 561

    I was horrified last night when, before getting into bed, I stepped onto the bathroom scale. I was three pounds heavier than I had been in the morning. It is not uncommon for me to be a bit over my morning weight late at night. It is usually a safe bet that by morning I will weigh 2-3 pounds less than my nighttime weight. Unless something drastic happened, I would weigh over (or near) 270 pounds in the morning. It was not fair! I had a normal breakfast and lunch, but I finished the day with a meal replacement shake around 5pm, and then another one around 10:30. How could I actually gain weight after a day like that?

    What I had not taken into account was that the water I had drunk, combined with the fact that I suspect the shakes are a diuretic. I was up to pee three times before my morning rituals; combined with the very successful bowel movement, I ended up down from last night an incredible 5.4 lbs., and 2.4 lbs. from yesterday morning. All is well, I did not have to get disheartened that when I work at it I really can continue to lose weight.

    My wife has decided to use the meal replacement program to lose weight. While I do not care if she loses weight or not, I am happy to support her through it. Over the last few days we have discussed it a great deal. Today is her second full day on the program, and she is experiencing a lot of the side effects that are so normal for anyone who has started the program as often as I have. She seems relieved that I am able to reassure her that the headache, the weakness, the thirst, and all are all perfectly normal. I will continue to be her support system, and her biggest cheerleader.

    I had actually thought to start the full program with her but realized that I had quite a few dollars worth of perishable groceries in the refrigerator and did not want to throw it all out. I have, however, decided to go back onto the partial program. Today I had my breakfast, and after my jog/walk I will prepare my lunch. In the late afternoon/evening I will have a meal replacement shake (or two). The chicken I have in the fridge will then be done, and I will go down to one meal (breakfast) in the morning, and then three meal replacements. I will do that for another week or so, and then I will decide if I want to stick with that program, or if I might be ready to try another month or so on the full program.

    I am not making this decision solely to do it with my wife. I know that I might never get back down below 200 lbs., I know that I still have a substantial amount of weight I would like to lose. In my post-Army life I have never weighed less than 250 pounds. When I reached that milestone on May 27, I was thrilled… and then I started to lose ground. I know I can get back there, and then I can go further. If I can get down to 220 lbs., for example, then I will be completely clear of the Obese Class I category, and I can think about being normal. As I wrote sometime over the last few days, if I can get to a good place then I can make sure that I stay within a range… and not letting myself go again. If I realize that 250 is as good as I can do, then maybe that’s where I will be… but I am not giving up on getting lower unless I really try. If I have done everything I can but still cannot get below that then I will accept it. I will not settle unless I know that I have tried my best.

    This morning Leslie and I had a lovely cigar date on the balcony. I lost track of time, so here I sit writing my daily entry at 12:30pm. It is time for me to suit up and head out. Realizing I was hungry (and that jogging hungry is not the smartest thing to do) I had a yogurt. I should be showered and ready for lunch by 2:15pm or so. That is, unless I keep procrastinating… which I will not do.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 560

    I was not as successful with my plans yesterday evening as I had hoped. I stupidly bought two boxes of breakfast cereal when I went to the supermarket the other day, thinking that it could be a nice occasional morning treat that I could keep around for when I did not feel like preparing an omelette. Over the last few days I have nearly finished both boxes of it, and decided in the middle of this sentence to throw out what was left. Really, I stopped typing where I was, went to the kitchen, and poured the remainder of the box into the garbage bag.

    Other than the cereal, I ate pretty well yesterday. Unfortunately it does not take very much to throw off a good day. While my weight was only up by .2 lb. this morning, I would much rather have seen it drop by that amount (or more). I have to continue remembering that hope is not a strategy.

    For those wondering how or why I fell off yesterday, I had a lot of anxiety over something that happened during my daytime class – right at the end of class too, so it was fresh when I stood up to stretch my legs. I have to stay mindful and vigilant and not let myself go like that! I will try harder today.

    The class that I am sitting was supposed to be a 4-day class, but it was shortened to three days, which means I have tomorrow off (until I teach in the evening). Weather permitting I will go out for a jog and walk and redouble my efforts to get back on track. I will also work on my final presentation for the cigar sommelier course that I have been doing; I will be presenting it Monday, and I want to make sure I do the best job that I can!

    As for today, I am not teaching this evening… but that does not mean I have to eat. I will eat a reasonable dinner, and then after I take Her Royal Floofness for a walk, I will spend the evening on the balcony, chatting with my wife and smoking cigars. I might even pour myself a drink, depending on how I feel.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 559

    I have to remember that when I have a large meal at night it will have a very different effect from having it at lunch. Of course, I did not have the option of a large lunch yesterday because I did not have any food in the house, and my main meal was prepared after class… and after walking the dog… and after shopping. The result? I ended up gaining back 1.6 lbs. of the pounds I had dropped yesterday morning.

    I am still not fully back on track, but I want to keep pushing for it. It did not help that last night I forgot to turn on the dishwasher, which meant that this morning as I was preparing my lunch (which I prepare during the class’s morning break, and then will turn on to cook 30-40 minutes before lunchtime) I had to prepare my chicken in a baking pan instead of my regular (and healthier) air fryer. Drat. I will also forego the potatoes I have been having of late and simply prepare a side salad.

    The class I am attending is now done, and I have a few minutes before the class I am to teach is to begin. I think I will prepare a meal replacement shake and try to calm down. I am wound up and my anxiety is going through the roof. I am not entirely sure why… but I am not turning to food to calm my nerves.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 558

    I did much better yesterday than I have been. While I had a much larger breakfast than I should have, I then had a reasonable lunch, and then part way through my evening class I made a meal replacement shake. We can then factor in the 3km that I jogged and the 9km that I walked, and it would be a real shock if I had not lost a bit of weight. Having gained 6.4 lbs. over the previous three days, it was a relief to see 3.6 lbs. drop off in one go. I am not saying that I am back on track, but it is nice to at least stop (and hopefully reverse) that terrible trend.

    Today will not be an easy day to predict. I am sitting a class all day and did not plan ahead. It was not until I was in bed last night that I realized that I had not gone shopping, so I do not really have a lot of food options in the house. Of course, I had my omelette for breakfast, but for lunch I suspect the only food I have in the house are a couple of meatless burgers, which I will make for lunch. I will go shopping at the end of the class and will pick up provisions to prepare for the rest of the week. The class I am sitting today will be for the rest of the week, but tomorrow and Friday I will also be teaching in the evenings; that will make for very long days, so I would rather shop this evening for the week so as to not have to worry about it again.

    I am hoping to get out for a long walk in the morning tomorrow, but it is going to be a tight week. We’ll see what I can do.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 557

    I was distressed that my travel day took such a bad toll on my weight this morning. I am back above 270 lbs. and to blame it all on the airplane is wrong. I let myself go last night, and I paid for it this morning. The worst part of it is that I had an appointment to see my doctor today which I forgot about until my phone reminded me fifteen minutes prior to the appointment. I called to say that I would be late, but I actually made it on time, and it was the doctor who made me wait.

    My blood pressure was up (but not unhealthy), and when the nurse neglected to weigh me, I did not object. I deserved the lecture that I avoided, but I know what she would have told me. I have to get back on track. Fortunately I know that with regard to exercise I have… with all of the walking that I did last week, as long as I can stay on track with that then bringing my food intake back into line would be what I need to do to get back on track.

    I came home and suited up to exercise. The temperature was nowhere near as hot as it was in Dallas (despite three people stopping me during my walk with Her Floofness this morning to comment on the heat), and I had a feeling I would be able to give it my all. I jogged three kilometres and then walked another 9km… a respectable outing by any measure. I walked into the apartment dripping with sweat, but feeling great about what I did. I have started another week off on the right foot. I even wore my new running shoes which arrived the day I flew to Dallas, and they felt great.

    I came in and put a couple of pieces of chicken on to cook before I got into the shower. I thought I had vegetables for a salad, but when I realized I only had onion I decided to put some frozen French fries into the air fryer as well. It was an unhealthy touch, but not the worst thing I could have eaten. My plan for this evening is to only have a couple of meal replacement shakes – one before my class, and one afterwards. If I am able to stick to that then I will have no reason to feel bad about what I ate today… and should expect to see at least a slight decrease on the bathroom scale tomorrow morning.

    It started to rain shortly after I got in from my exercise, but I do not think it is too bad. My plan is to enjoy a cigar on the balcony before class, and then likely one after class as well. We’ll see how I am feeling later tonight.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 556

    We had a delightful last day together, going bowling and playing various video games and claw machines at an entertainment centre we frequent (and which Leslie and her son frequent much more frequent than my infrequent visits allow). They decided we would eat there, so I made do with one more day of fattening foods. We spent a few hours there, and then went home to rest for a few more hours before heading out for dinner. We ended up at a Portuguese chicken restaurant that we enjoy… although I suspect that the boy enjoys it less than he lets on. The ever so simple and highly indecipherable mind of an eight year old boy is still incomprehensible to me. It has been far too long since I was one to remember my thought processes of the age, but I do remember trying to enjoy things that would help me to fit in. I also remember being staunchly opposed to other foods, despite the fact that when I would eventually try them, I would often love them … and then forgetting that, a few weeks later I would staunchly object to those same foods. Maybe I understand him better than I thought.

    I did not go for a walk in the morning, waking up later than planned. I did not think I would get my steps in, but after a disagreement with Leslie I ended up going out for a walk in the evening. I did not suit up as I usually do as I really only thought I would walk to the druggist, but I ended up walking around 5km. I did not start an activity on my fitness watch, but I know how to read a map. I came home and showered, and we talked things out to make things right. We had a cigar on the balcony, and then I packed my suitcases. I hate packing to leave her, but it is what it is until my visa is approved.

    I was livid when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning. I did not expect to be over two pounds heavier than yesterday. I suppose part of the reason is that I had not successfully moved my bowels in a couple of days. After my breakfast I finally did, and I suspect that had I stepped onto the scale again I would have been pleased. That will have to wait a day though… I do not weigh myself after I eat.

    And now… I am sitting in the Admiral’s Club at the airport waiting for my flight. Leslie and the boy dropped me off around 10:00am, and it only took a few minutes to check my bags and then get through security. My flight is scheduled to board in an hour, and it should land in Toronto at 4:40pm (local time). Unless there are delays – or long lines at Canada Customs – I should be home by 6:30pm. I will make a light dinner, and then I will take the Floofness for a walk. I know she misses me so much when I am away, and the only consolation I can give her is that it was so hot in Dallas this trip that she likely would not have enjoyed it at all.

    I should mention that while I was extremely displeased by this morning’s weight, it was still slightly less than what I weighed my first morning of this trip. For a trip with so much food, I still kept my weight within a five-pound range… as high as 269.6 and as low as 264.8. While I wish I could have lost more, that range shows a level of consistency that the heavier me could never have hoped for. I suppose I should chalk that up as another win.

    Have a great day folks!