Losing a part of me

Category: Addiction

  • Day 1221

    As do many adults, I enjoy a drink from time to time. I have for years followed the guidance that when I feel I need a drink then I do not drink. I have never wanted alcohol to be a crutch. That seems to have gone by the wayside these last few weeks (and especially the last two). I am not drinking to excess, but I am pouring myself a double almost every evening. I would like to say that I need to stop… but for the time being, I have more pressing things going on in my life, in my head. If it’s simply a couple of drams of whisky or rum in the evening then it is much better than it might be.

    I spent most of the last five days cramming for an exam for which I still felt that I was not fully prepared, but I needed to pass it by yesterday in order to be able to teach the class this week. It paid off, and yesterday evening I passed the Microsoft Cybersecurity Architect exam. Don’t get all excited – while it is certainly a bear of an exam, I do not think of anyone who passes it as an architect or anything close. I actually failed it on Thursday (I started that morning with another crushing email that threw me and my emotions (which had already been in the toilet) completely asunder. I then spent ten hours Friday and eight hours Saturday preparing to retake it, and I was able to eke out the passing score in the evening. I did not ace it, but it was also not a borderline pass. What a relief.

    That is the good news, and the fact that the related course seems to be in huge demand all of a sudden means that it was a smart move. The bad news (not really bad, but…) is that this week’s class is another Central Europe Standard Time class – another week (well, four days) of overnights. It will be grueling, but I will make it through; I always do.

    It is time for me to start my day… even though I wish I could just crawl back into bed I have commitments. Her Floofness decided that nearly five hours was enough sleep for me, and would not let me stay in bed. Now I have things to do, so I will hit it.

    Have a day folks.

  • Day 497

    It was going to happen eventually if I kept playing fast and loose with what I eat. Yesterday I realized I only had half of my usual portion of chicken, which I ate for lunch. I then went shopping and picked up chicken, as well as a few other items. I decided to supplement my smaller-than-normal meal with… another meal. I also had decided to splurge when I saw a fruit and yogurt treat at the supermarket, which was yet another stupid decision. The result is I lost four days worth of progress in a gluttonous afternoon. That will not happen today. My plans for today are simple: I had an omelette for breakfast, and I will have my regular meal for a late lunch… and that is it. If I do get hungry then I will supplement that with meal replacement shake in the evening, but I hope I do not have to do even that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 420

    The day I landed in Dallas I told Leslie I wanted to do another before and after picture. It is great to see the numbers on the scale drop; it is amazing to fit into smaller (and more stylish) clothing; it is spectacular to see what I can do when I work out. With all that said, there is nothing so incredible as to see the sheer transformation of my body, side by side, from when I started until now. We took a few moments this morning to recreate that photo. Unlike the last time we did it, I decided to leave out the interim pictures. One next to the other is all I need to see the results of my hard work!

    420 Days_use

    To look at this image is to look at two different people. I do not remember the exact moment, but I am certain that when my friend took my picture on Day 0 he told me to smile. This morning as Leslie snapped my picture I know she did. Just look at the difference in the smile! I suppose it is the difference between someone embarking on a challenge, and someone who is well into the challenge and who has seen tremendous results. I still have a ways to go… but there is no denying that I deserve that smile this morning!

    I absolutely killed it yesterday on my jog! I remember setting out shortly after I wrote my article in which I said that I am hoping to do a combined walk/jog of ten kilometres before I left Dallas, but I did not think it would be yesterday. Even more exciting is the fact that I jogged 8.2km… without stopping! I absolutely smashed my previous bests for distance and duration. I decided on 8.2km because that is slightly over five miles. Of course, I did not set out expecting to come close to that… but at each kilometre I evaluated my legs (especially my right knee) and my lungs. It was not until I hit the fifth kilometre that I thought I might be able to do it, and I still reevaluated every kilometre. In truth I probably could have jogged the full 10km and am really not sure why I pulled up. Tomorrow is another day, and I guess I wanted to leave myself another attainable goal for the rest of the week.

    Jogging

    • pb Distance: 8.22km (5 km)
    • pb Duration: 1:06:03 (39:40)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 8m01s (7m55s)
    • pb Steps: 10,170 (6,200)
    • pb Calories burned: 866
    • Elevation gain: 35.6m
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 154 (157)

    Walking

    • Distance: 2 km
    • Duration: 21:37
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10m48s
    • Steps: 2,460
    • Calories burned: 194
    • Elevation gain: 6.4m
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 114

    The weather was perfect for it too. It was sunny, but not too sunny. It was cool, but not cold. It was a little breezy but not windy. In short, the conditions for a strong showing were all there, as long as my knee and my lungs held up. I finally followed my doctor’s advice and rubbed some Voltaren on my knee before setting out, and I was off to the races.

    According to the stats in the app that I use to track my workouts, this was my fastest five-mile run… which makes sense because I do not think that I have jogged five miles since I started using it. My fastest five-kilometre was Friday, but I will try to pick up the pace over the next few days to see if I can beat it. It does not really matter though… I am not trying to race; I am trying to get out and get into shape. I want to burn calories, not win prizes.

    I was thrilled when I stepped onto the scale when I came in yesterday though… while I won’t count it because it was not first thing in the morning, I still registered my lowest weight yet! I hoped that if I could maintain just some of that weight loss into this morning then I would be happy. I was not expecting what I saw when I stepped onto the scale this morning and saw that I had absolutely killed it! Not only did I lose the couple of pounds I had gained from when I got to Dallas, and not only did I get back under the 270 lbs. mark, but with a full 3.6 lbs. loss from yesterday, I am more than a full pound into best weight yet territory! I ran out of the bathroom to show Leslie the numbers (which register on my phone as well… it would have looked silly had I picked up the bathroom scale to bring it to her). She was as amazed as I was. Wowee!!

    It is not only jogging that contributed to this morning’s loss. I have been eating but doing it smartly. Yes, I had a half-chicken at the restaurant yesterday, but I was working on 450 calories on the day, having burned over 1,000 calories exercising. I took a few pieces of Leslie’s fried casavas (which were really tasty!) but I counted them, and when I reached my limit I told her I am done… and never reached for another one. I even made myself a cocktail last night (gin and bitter) which was lovely, but I did not go overboard… I had one ounce of gin with four ounces of Schweppes Bitter Lemon. All in all, I think I had a great day.

    Leslie and I were speaking last night about the 12-step program that my therapist recommended I look into for overeaters. It has been six weeks since we discussed it, and I had told her I was going to table the idea until this week. At the time, I did not realize that I would be in Dallas this week, so when we met last week, I told her I was delaying until I got home. Over these last few days, Leslie has now seen me shut down on eating things that were available twice… last night with the fried casavas, and Saturday evening with the nacho chips and salsa. She asked me if I still felt that I needed the program. I told her that I do not know. It is easy to be good when she is watching because I want her to see me succeed. The next real test will be how I do the next time I am faced with that sort of temptation and she is not there… likely the next time Gilad and I go to that same restaurant where I faltered in February. I am not sure that I like the idea of a 12-step program for myself, but if I really cannot control myself then it is something I will strongly consider.

    I just told Leslie a few moments ago that I am not going to jog today. My knee is absolutely fine, but I am feeling some aches in my hips. These are not pains, these are the aches of ‘this part of your body has not worked that hard in a long time, and it is reminding you that it needs to recover.’ I have no problem with taking the day off. I will hit the trails again tomorrow, although based on the forecast I might have to plan around rain. As of now, my safest bet will be to wake up and hit the road early; maybe I will set an alarm for 6:30am and see if I can get out and back before the precipitation starts. If not, I could always go to the indoor gym and jog on the treadmill… but that is my fallback, and only if it is unavoidable.

    It is a beautiful day in Dallas, and I am looking forward to having lunch with my wife (between her meetings). After lunch I will head out to my cigar lounge and will try to get some work done. I want to skim the material I will be teaching this evening, just as a quick reminder to myself. I have taught the class many times before, but it never hurts to refresh. I might also do some studying, but I might just open my book and do some reading. Leslie recommended a book on the anthropology of human sexuality that I started the other day, and I am quite enjoying. While the thought of our parents having a sex life might be repugnant to some, learning about how sexuality evolved with our ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago is quite fascinating.

    My plans for the day are simple. Stay on track and stay mindful, especially with the knowledge that I will not be jogging today. I might take a brisk walk… but we’ll see. Before I return home from the cigar lounge, I will stop in at the supermarket to pick up a nice piece of fish to make for dinner. The tuna I made the other night was not exactly a resounding success, but I do know how to prepare salmon or trout, and that is likely what I will look for. Also, either a broccoli or cauliflower as a side dish would not be completely out of the question.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 398 (The Real One)

    Somehow, I did it again. I noticed yesterday that I had missed a day. I went back and fixed it in the journal, and later today I will take care of it in the online blog. I have no idea how tired I must have been to just skip a number. Sure enough, both my on-line and off-line entries skipped from Day 385 to Day 387. I’ll fix it today, I promise. Sheesh!

    When I set out for my jog yesterday, I was not sure if I would be able to push myself farther than I did last week. After the previous Sunday’s outing when I was able to jog the first 3km of my route, I was hoping to improve upon that two days later. I could not. I set out on much the same path as I had that day, hoping. After the first kilometre I was unsure if I would even make it to three kilometres.

    If there is one thing they teach you in the Army, it is a drive to push yourself. When I hit the 3km mark I decided to try to make it just a little bit farther… maybe 3.2km, maybe 3.5. I was shocked when I made the turn off of Appleby Line onto Upper Middle, still jogging. The pace for the last two kilometres was as unimpressive as they come, but I logged 4km at a trot, and I am taking that as a win. I stretched the remaining route home into a 3km walk and felt good when I got into the shower a few minutes later.

    One of the women I am trying to support through her journey and I spoke after I got home, and she asked if I felt that jogging sped up the weight loss process. I told her that I do not know, and that it certainly did not prevent a nearly two-pound gain after my run-in with the nachos and salsa last weekend, but other than that, I know that even if it does not help, it certainly does not hurt! It is unfortunate that this morning, after a very good jog and not a bit of cheat, my weight was still up more than half a pound. It is frustrating, but I know it is the downward trend that matters so much more than the individual points on a graph. I also know that I was not able to have a successful bowel movement this morning, which might have made at least a bit of a difference. Tomorrow is my official weigh-in at the doctor’s office, and I am hoping for another good loss… 3.5kg would be huge.

    I am on this giant push to get to my best weight ever. I want to weigh less than I remember myself ever weighing. I want to be in better shape than I have been since I was in the Army, although I know that there is no amount of weight loss or exercise that will ever help me get back into that shape again. I just want to be the best me that I can be. My email signature has the Japanese word kaizen at the bottom, which means constant incremental improvement. I do not have to make huge, giant leaps… I need to make small improvements day after day.

    Getting through class last night was harder than usual. I am not sure that is not because I jogged in the afternoon but did not increase my caloric or nutritional intake. I did not even make myself a cup of tea during the class, which means that my total caloric intake for the day was about 910 calories (between the three cups of coffee I drank I probably had a third of a cup of cashew milk between them, which would be about 8 calories), but I did not have my final meal replacement until after class, which meant that I was working on 685 calories; between the three activities I logged during the day (walking the dog, jogging, then walking) I burned 1055 calories. I doubt anyone will be surprised that I was a little light-headed by the time we took our mid-evening break. I thought about drinking my shake then but decided against it. I did drink a couple of large cups of water throughout the evening, which helped me to get through the class.

    I was exhausted by the time I finished, happy to have my evening meal replacement… which I ate far too late, and which might just be a contributing factor to this morning’s weight gain. I got into bed and spoke with Leslie for a bit, comforted by her beautiful smile and the sound of her voice. I am losing weight for myself first and foremost… but when she tells me about improvements she sees in me – even over the tiny screen of the phone – it always makes me smile. I feel ridiculous saying that when I arrive there is to be a full eighteen pounds lighter than the day I left there, an insignificant loss… when I know that eighteen pounds in thirty-six days comes out to an incredible half-pound-per-day lost. Were I to maintain that pace, I would weigh 210 lbs. by my birthday, and I would let Leslie take me out for a cheat meal without worrying about counting carbs and sugars. Maybe for my 52nd birthday we can do that.

    I am driving into Toronto today for two reasons. I will pick up my meal replacements, and I am helping a community organization with some computer issues they are having. I am happy to volunteer to help them, as long as they understand in advance that my visit is a one-time deal. I know they pay a consultant to maintain their systems, and I have never yet walked into an organization like this one where there was not a board member who ‘knows someone who works in IT’ and who makes sure that person – either a friend or a relative – gets the paid work. They can call someone like me in to advise on more complicated issues, but if I was expecting to be paid for it, I would be holding my breath for a long time… and if I was expecting them to say ‘Oh my G-d, Mitch… you are definitely better than this than our board member’s friend… we are going to fire him and hire you!’ then I might as well expect them to send a unicorn-drawn chariot to collect me. No, today’s efforts will be a one-off, and if they have the wherewithal to give me a charitable donation receipt for my work then I’ll be happy to put that against my taxes.

    I will stay on course today. I may be driving into the city to pick up my meal replacements, but I do not want to have to open the sealed box to take from there. I will bring two meal replacement pouches with me, along with my shaker bottle. How ironic would it be if I were to fall off the program because I went to get my shakes and was not prepared? No, that will definitely not happen to me. Not today. Preparedness and mindfulness will win the day. I am sure the nurse who works at the clinic will talk with me for a bit; she is very nice and chatty. If she asks, I can honestly tell her that since I saw her last on January 16, I have lost nearly seventeen pounds, and since my first day on the full fast, meal replacements only program (January 11) I have lost over 23 lbs., which comes to an average of just over .5 lb. per day. If anyone wants proof that this program works, they can just ask me! Of course, I will also tell her that includes a week in Dallas on my modified program, which makes the pace even more amazing.

    The forecast for the rest of the week does not look jogging-friendly, so tomorrow I am going to go to the gym. For two reasons, today will not be a good day for me to get out and exercise, either outside (and it should be a nice day for the morning at least) or at the gym. I have to go into the city, but also, I want to give my body a rest after yesterday’s jog. I know that last week after I jogged two days in a row, I really felt it in my quadriceps for a few days. Taking a break between outings might go a long way to preventing or at least minimizing that. If it does not, then at least I will know.

    Stay on track. Stay mindful. Succeed. That is the order of the day! Tomorrow morning, I will be seeing the doctor who will be happy to see that I continue to make progress. I suspect that if not this time, then one day over the next few visits he is going to start asking me about my plans for long-term sustainability. Platitudes like ‘mindfulness and vigilance’ are great mantras for me to follow, but at the same time I also know that they are just that, and I will have to start planning for a future which includes food… hopefully healthier foods and smarter quantities of it, but food, nonetheless. I expect he will be encouraged (as am I) by my ability to spend a week in Dallas and actually lose weight on the modified program… but what about when the program is completely over? How will I structure my meals and my meal planning? Will I have to go straight to the Internet whenever someone asks me to meet them at a restaurant? Will I be checking the nutritional values of every meal option, weighing the pros and cons? Will I ever be able to sit down at a restaurant, look at the menu and just say ‘what am I in the mood for today?’ Probably not. I am an addict, and an addict who lets himself go just a little can fall off that cliff. I suspect that app that I use that lets me know the nutritional values of every meal and every morsel will be a permanent part of my life. It is a small price to pay to get slim and to stay slim.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 252

    I said something in a meeting on Friday last week that was haunting me yesterday. Fortunately, I got a good response from the head of the team I am working with. We were meant to have a meeting scheduled for today, and I had not heard back from them, so I started to worry that they took offense. When I got a meeting request from them this morning, it lightened my load somewhat. Yes, we are all good, and yes, I remember my French-Canadian slang. There are a few words in the dialect that can be used both gutturally, and to describe something in business as a disaster. I used one of those words to describe part of their systems, and it bothered me for a bit that I might have stepped over a line. The good news is that the people who implemented the systems are no longer with the company, so there should have been no personal insult. It all worked out.

    I mentioned in yesterday’s article that I had toast for breakfast, and then after my walk, I had a sandwich for lunch. After that, I only had meal replacements. I hope that as of today I can be completely back on track. My last two weigh-ins were bad, but this morning I was back in the right direction. I am not quite back down to 315lbs, but I am close to it. With any luck, I will be able to stay on track today. No, luck has nothing to do with it. I have to stay on track, and blaming or crediting luck is silly, and possibly counterproductive.

    This morning I walked into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. I almost went for the last of the raisin challah from Rosh Hashana, which would have been delicious with some peanut butter. I picked it up… and I put it down. I prepared my meal replacement shake and a cup of coffee. There is no luck involved in weight loss, and there is no raisin challah either. I have said it before; however tasty and satisfying it would be, the satisfaction of weighing less tomorrow morning outweighs the tasty challah treat. I also know that this evening, Leslie and I are going to take her son for dinner this evening, and that will be my only meal. I said at the beginning of the holiday that I wanted to be back on track today. I meant it!

    We have a meeting at the bank this morning, and then in the early afternoon I have a meeting with my customer. If that meeting ends when I expect it to, I will go for my walk in the afternoon. If it goes longer, I might have to forego the walking today, which I do not want to do. It may not be an addiction, but I still enjoy it. I also enjoy knowing that I am getting closer to my goals.

    While walking yesterday, I was thinking about addictions. Why is it that it is so much easier to become addicted to food, booze, drugs, whatever than it is to get addicted to exercise and physical activity? Yes, the former are easier, but the latter is actually good for you, literally something that we need. It should be easier to get addicted to things that are good for you. After all, have you ever heard of anyone with a salad addiction? Of course not. I freely admit though that I am addicted to foods… and not the good foods. I am addicted to foods with little to no nutritional value whatsoever. That just sucks.

    I understand the science behind the addiction. Sugar and salt are both substances that our bodies crave, and carbohydrates give us energy. That energy can be used for good – yesterday, after eating my toast with margarine, I hit the road and did a ten-kilometre walk. That energy can also be wasted, at which point the carbohydrates simply convert to fat, rather than burning off. The fact that I understand the science does not mean I am any less thrilled with the fact that salads and exercise are not easy addictions to come into, and that I would happily fight someone for a plate of Buffalo wings. Life is not fair.

    Okay, so here’s the plan for the day: I had my meal replacement and am drinking my coffee. While preparing for my early afternoon meeting, I will have my second meal replacement. After that meeting, I will go for a walk – not as long as yesterday’s, especially knowing that it will be quite warm out, but a walk, nonetheless. I will come home, cool down, take a shower, and likely have a third meal replacement. When Leslie and the boy come home, we will decide what to do for dinner; it will most likely be sushi, but that will be their decision. I will go along with whatever they decide, and I will just try to make good decisions when we are at the restaurant. We will come home, and while Leslie spends some time with her son, I will either participate, or I will give them space. That will be based on how things go. By the time I get into bed, I will have ingested under 1,200 calories, and as few carbohydrates as possible. Sound good? If that works, then tomorrow morning I should once again be happy with the numbers on the bathroom scale.

    Of course, if it were that easy, I would be slim already. That is why we say ‘One day at a time.’

    Have a great day folks!

  • And What a Walk!

    Speaking with Leslie today (and over the last little while) I have started to fully understand that I need exercise for a few reasons. It crucial for my weight loss strategy, there is no question that exercise is a critical component to losing weight and getting back into shape. That is an obvious and direct benefit.

    There is a less obvious (if equally critical) benefit to exercising. I know that food is an addiction, and I have to break that unhealthy relationship with food. Leslie reminded me (several times) that if I have been turning to food (and mostly unhealthy foods) to deal with stress, anxiety, sadness, and depression then I need a different go-to that I can use to replace food in those moments of despair and desperation.

    I have known my friends Rick and Isolina (The Beard and The Munchkin) nearly twenty-five years. He has been for many years the most faithful and constant reader of my main blog (www.garvis.ca) and has watched trends in my life. He pointed out to me a couple of weeks ago (yet again) that he can tell when I am back at my Taekwondo training from my tone… not only when we talk, but in my writing on my blogs and on Facebook. I know that he is right… although I am going to put in one slight amendment to that statement. I am more upbeat when I am in training… whether that be walking, running, weight training, or of course my primary sport, Taekwondo.

    (Rick is going to read that and within a day I am going to get a phone call from him saying ‘You know, you are probably right… but it is even more clear when you are in Taekwondo; I know that you love it and it shows.’ I love you, Rick!)

    Okay… so if working out in general and Taekwondo in particular are activities that lift my spirits, then why shouldn’t I turn to them as a crutch? ‘Hey, I am having a really terrible day today… I’ll go for a long walk and maybe I’ll feel better.’ Or: ‘Wow, what a crappy day. Fortunately, I can go to a Taekwondo class or two this evening, and that will help me work out my aggressions.’

    It is a question of shifting my go-to from eating bad foods to making healthy choices.

    By the way, if I do that, there will be another added benefit to my general mood. I am always in a better mood when my weight is down. Yes, this morning was the exception to that rule, but sometimes things really do get that bad. Okay, so if I am in a better mood when my weight is trending down, then exercising instead of eating will prevent weight gain and usually cause weight loss. As I wrote in my article ‘One Pound Lost is Three Pounds of Progress’ (republished on my blog March 30, 2022), every pound that I lose not only means that pound, but it also represents the pound that I could have stayed the same, and the pound that I could have gained. Lower weight equals happier Mitch. It really is that simple.

    I started today, and as the title of this entry alludes to, I had one hell of a walk. I don’t know if it was because of the motivation, because I weigh less than I have in years, or if it that I spent ten hours in the car yesterday, or that I have not walked in eleven days. I do know that I am wearing a new pair of running shoes (thanks Leslie!) and that my feet were feeling fine from beginning to end, and that I have a lot of crap in my head that I am trying to sort out. I also know that today’s walk broke a few records. Here are the numbers:

    • Distance: 9.03 km (7. 5 km)
    • Duration: 1:33:28 (1:22:42 minutes)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:21 (11:01)
    • Steps: 10.8k (9.3k)
    • Calories burned: 524 (429)
    • Elevation gain: 34.1m (28m)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 116 (112)

    There is a lot of bold text there because yes, each one of those is a record. I beat my previous best distance by 1.5km, which of course means that it was 16m25s longer in duration. My previous best pace was 10m37s per kilometre. Today it was a full 16s per kilometre better. In fact, each of my first seven kilometres was well faster than that, and had I stopped after five kilometres, my pace was actually 10m05s per kilometre!

    Yes, I kicked butt out there on my walk, and I am proud of it.

    I do not know if I will walk tomorrow because it is a Taekwondo day (as are all Tuesdays and Thursdays). What I might do is go for a lighter 5km walk… I won’t push myself; I will just do it to get a little more exercise than just the classes. I have to decide how I am going to do that, but we will see.

    I suppose there is another ulterior motive for an extra workout tomorrow… the following day is my fortnightly weigh-in, and it would be good to show progress. As it is, this morning I weighed 2/10ths of a pound more than I did on my previous weigh-in.

    That is another attitude I have to be cognizant of. I cannot act ‘business as usual’ for ten days, and then in the days leading up to my doctor’s visit push myself to get back on track. While weight loss is indeed a marathon and not a sprint, I do not know a lot of marathon runners who slack off for any amount of time during a race. I cannot either. Yes, there will be moments of weakness; what is most important is recognizing them and recovering from them as quickly as possible. All important lessons.

    I would love to push for a huge weight loss between now and the end of the summer, and so I am going to stay close to home. By that I mean I am going to avoid social situations where I am tempted to take peanuts or hamburgers or whatever else. Happily, I have a month-long teaching contract starting next Monday, which will also keep me focused and disciplined. It would be wonderful if Leslie were to come for a visit or if I were to go to visit her during that month, but unlike so many of my friends, Leslie encourages me to stay on track and to eat healthy. After all, I hope she wants to have me around for many years to come.

    As I write this, I realize the following:

    1. I have not showered since coming in from my walk. Yuck.
    2. I have ingested precisely one meal replacement shake today, which means that with the 524 calories that I burned on my walk, I am in a deficit of 299 calories.
    3. I have to get my butt in gear and go pick up Princess Sophie.

    Have a great afternoon folks!

  • Food Addiction

    There is a difficult side to food addiction that most other addictions do not have. It makes it hard for people who are not addicted to understand it. It makes it difficult for people who are not overweight to ‘get’ why we don’t just cut down on our food intake. Eat less food = lose weight, right?

    If you are addicted to drugs, you stop doing drugs. That is not to belittle how incredibly difficult it is to get off drugs as an addict, but that’s how it works. The same thing with booze. “Hi, I’m Fred, and I’m an alcoholic. (Hi Fred!) It’s been 473 days since my last drink and…” While I have never been to an AA meeting, that is how they are portrayed in pop culture; I have to assume that at least one of the myriad screenwriters who have portrayed this scene has been to a meeting and is doing their best to convey them accurately. Whatever it might be that you are addicted to, by cutting it out and spending the rest of your life not doing it, then you have conquered your addiction.

    Food does not work like that. You cannot cut food out of your life. You need food to survive. Sure, you can cut certain types of foods out of your life… if you are addicted to sweets, you can to a great extent cut sugar out of your diet. You cannot cut food out completely.

    People see food addicts as weak, but the truth is that if we overcome our lifelong battle with obesity and do manage to get slim, then we are among the strongest people in the world. Alcoholics say that if they have just one more drink, they will go back to drinking. While this is always portrayed in pop culture, I have seen it firsthand, from people I know to be alcoholics. When I lose all of my weight, will I be able to just have a small order of whatever it is that I crave? I will have to… but it is more likely that I will have to avoid a lot of foods completely.

    In September 2020 I weighed 260lbs. I was at my lowest weight since I first became overweight after the Army. I had been doing so well. After an event at my synagogue, the rabbi invited the volunteers to join him for a l’chaim (a drink). That would never have gotten me. It was the other volunteer who brought homemade baked goods that she insisted we all try that was my downfall. I had one… then another, because they were there. We all left the event, and I went straight to the grocery store… to the prepared foods department, where I picked up a large order of fried chicken.

    For the previous six months, I had eaten properly. I was combining my meal replacements with a healthy diet of food that I cooked myself – mostly chicken and salad – and I had lost a tremendous amount of weight. It took a cookie to bring that all to an end.

    Food addicts cannot cut out all foods. We have to change our habits to those of moderation, and that is not an easy ask. We have to learn to say ‘Thank you, but no thank you’ when people offer us foods that are tempting, but which are not on our diet plans. Had I turned down that cookie, would I have gone off the program? Probably not… I know that had I not gone to pick up the fried chicken that night then my life today might be extremely different than it is.

    Now here’s the rub… How can I say all of this, and then turn around and say, ‘When I drop below this or that milestone, I will allow myself a cheat meal?’ Or ‘When we are on vacation, I am pausing the diet.’ How can I say these things, knowing what I know? I know that I have not beaten my addiction… but I also know that I have learned from my missteps and will fight like hell to do what I need to do. I know that yes, I have cheated… but every time I have, I have been able to get right back on track the following day. I know that I have the love of my life who will ask me (upon our return from Cuba next month) if I am back on the program… and if I say ‘No,’ she will encourage me to get back to it.

    I also say it knowing that I am nowhere near where I need to be yet. I am not talking about my weight; I am talking about changing my relationship with food. I am still a food addict and know that it would be simple for me to revert back into gluttony. I do not want to do that, and I will not let myself do that. Yes, when we are in Cuba, I plan to eat. No, I do not plan to gorge myself. I might bring healthy snacks for when there is nothing else available, but in truth there is usually something available that I can eat. In truth, the only food in Cuba that really will tempt me is the proteins – the chicken and seafood, mostly – and that you get one helping of at your meal.

    On the resort, we will mostly be eating at the buffet. By tempering what I take, and by loading my plates down with salads, I will be able to stay mostly on track. When we are in Havana or the town of Varadero, I will not go nuts… I would rather spend my money on great cigars than on decent food.

    Food addicts cannot cut our addiction completely out. We will spend the rest of our lives battling our demons and trying to keep our addiction in check. I have now lost the fight three times – I have been below 275-pounds three times in my life and gained nearly (or over) a hundred pounds three times. This time around, I plan to win, knowing that I can never really go off the program… not really. If I plan to win, then I will need to be aware of and careful with what I eat every day for the rest of my life.

    If only I were simply addicted to drugs…