Losing a part of me

Category: Awareness

  • Day 1046

    After two days of missing it, I hit my steps goal yesterday. I walked four kilometres on the treadmill, in addition to being out and about quite a bit. I was rewarded with:

    • A sleep score of 80, based on 7h20m of sleep
    • A Body Battery of 56 when I woke up… not great.
    • Another drop on the bathroom scale… down 1.2 lbs.

    My sleep score is still not where I would like for it to be, but it has started to get better this week since I am exercising… as well as the new ‘supplement’ that I am taking to help me fall asleep. Yes, I am still waking up with a slight headache, but it is not nearly as bad today as it was a couple of days ago.

    In speaking with Leslie yesterday, she berated me for stopping in to buy almonds. She is right of course. I have to stop supplementing what I am supposed to be eating. It is not just about losing weight… it is about changing my habits. Staying away from the store is a good step toward doing that.

    My plans for today are to stay on track. In a few minutes I will press ‘Save’ on this journal entry, and I will log off the computer. I will change into my jogging kit and get onto the treadmill. After that, I will shower and enjoy a meal replacement. In the afternoon I am meeting with my diet buddy in Yukon; we have not connected in way too long, and it is time… especially since both of us are trying to get back on track.

    The weather is still too windy for me to walk outside, but the forecast is for the wind to die down somewhat by late afternoon, which means I might actually sit out to enjoy a cigar with my wife on a video chat. We will see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1042

    The Microsoft Word document that I keep these entries in is now 993 pages long. That accounts for 1,147 journal entries comprising over 667,000 words over nearly three years. That is a lot of successes and a lot of failures; a lot of ups and downs (in my weight, my life, my emotional state, and more). It includes a lot of travel… but mostly to Dallas and California and Cuba. It includes a lot of great advice to myself (I do not ever want to give anyone else advice), some of which is easier to follow short-term than long.

    As an example of advice I do not seem to follow through on: I have been very clear that I lose weight faster and feel better when I am exercising. I then let work and travel and life get in the way, and I get out of the habit of exercising. It is maddening because I love doing it, but sometimes it is hard to fit in… and then just like that I am out of the habit of exercising.

    On that note, I did get out for a walk yesterday. While my pace was slower than the previous day, the distance was nearly identical. Whether it was because of the weather, or my choice of shoes, or the fact that I had walked the previous day so my muscles needed to recover… whatever it was, my pace was thirteen seconds per kilometre slower than Monday, and the same route (in reverse) took me 1m50s longer. In other words… not a big difference, and I am really just nitpicking.

    I was hoping that the exercise would help me to sleep. That did not happen. I was in bed early but tossed and turned until nearly 2:30am before I finally nodded off. How I achieved even 70 for my sleep score I do not know. My body battery was up to an abysmal (for the morning) 34. I hope that I make it through the day! There has been speculation that from time to time my cigar smoking might keep me awake. If that is true (and the science suggests that it is) then I can assure you that it has not been a contributing factor these last few days. I have not smoked a cigar since the weekend. That will end today. More on that later.

    Another bit of advice that I give myself and do not follow is not to cheat. I broke that yesterday when I bought a couple of rolls (which I am eating with breakfast) as well as a handful of peanuts and trail mix. I should not have done that. What I should have done was sit in the traffic and when I got home had a shake. No, that is not what I did. Instead, I pulled off the highway and stopped in at Fortinos to buy the cheats. How undisciplined am I? I mean, I was on my way home from Costco and I had protein bars in the car! Why didn’t I just eat one of those? I need to control myself.

    While I did not manage to sleep well, and with my slight cheat yesterday, I still managed to drop about 3.5 lbs. from yesterday. The bowel movement helped, but so too did the exercise and mostly good eating. Hopefully I can continue on that trend for a few days. If I do, then by next week I should be back below the terrible mark.

    When I do go back to eating, I need to eat smaller portions. There is no good reason for me to eat a whole chicken in a day. End of story. Yet there it is, that is what I do. While I commend myself for cutting almost to zero how often I eat at restaurants (I do so occasionally with friends, and when I am with my wife), but when I am alone? I can count on one hand the number of times I have done so in the last six months. All this to say that while I have improved my habits somewhat, I am almost completely negating the improved behaviours by ignoring the bad ones. I have to prepare smaller portions if I want to improve long term!

    I followed my plans pretty well yesterday. I went for a good walk; I came home and had a shower and then a meal replacement shake. I studied for a few hours; I went to Costco to return an item and to pick up meal replacement bars. I got to bed early, although I did not fall asleep. I will try to get to bed early again tonight.

    The original plan was for my friend Mitchell and I to drive down to Niagara Falls, NY tomorrow. He needs to pick up a package, and I’m going to go along for the drive. When I told Leslie she reminded me that tomorrow is American Thanksgiving and that everything will be closed. Because of that, we changed the plan and are driving down there today. I suspect that we will stop off to smoke a cigar, which I have not done in a few days. I might bring some home with me, but it would not be very many… I would declare them, and I do not want to be killed on the customs and duties. We should be home by dinner time, and I will do my best to get a good night sleep tonight.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1014

    I am usually disappointed when I step onto the bathroom scale to find that I have gained weight, let alone two full pounds. This morning I expected my weight to be up, but not because I ate badly or made poor choices. Yes, I went out for lunch and had panang curry chicken with rice and a couple of spring rolls, but that was not the worst thing I might have eaten. No, I was expecting to be up because I did not believe the numbers on the scale yesterday… the loss was just too extreme. Add to that I was not able to successfully move my bowels this morning, and the two-pound gain was expected, and I was not upset. With that said, my weight is still below the terrible mark, and I am very happy with that.

    I made chicken and salad for dinner last night when was quite healthy, so that probably offset the worst of the effects from lunch. It was to be the last adult dinner that Leslie and I will enjoy during this visit. We then enjoyed two small bottles of ice wine on the balcony with our cigars. I mention that they were small bottles because I do not want to give the impression that it was excessive. We each drank roughly 7oz (200ml) of wine which amounts to 350 calories and 3.5g of sugar. It will be the last of our alcoholic consumption because her son comes home this afternoon and we do not drink when he is here.

    This morning I realized that I had not bought eggs yesterday, and so I had a bowl of breakfast cereal. I actually had two half-bowls, as one of the boxes was empty. For lunch we decided to order sandwiches which should arrive shortly. I told Leslie that as I am planning to go out for a long walk after lunch I did not mind if she wanted to order something high in carbs… specifically the bread. My walk will burn it off and hopefully it will give my system fuel to push myself. Until I get my body back into a state of ketosis I know that the carbohydrates are bad, but they are also what the body burns as fuel. I think my heel is healed enough to push myself farther today, but I will be sure to check my socks before heading out. If I can do 8km then I will be more than halfway to my goal for this week.

    I do not know what we are planning for dinner and will not know until my stepson is here. His first night back we always involve him in the food decisions. With that said, I will have to be mindful of my choices, and if we order in I will not let myself say ‘Oh, I walked, so I can cheat.’

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 834

    I know I did not eat very well yesterday, what with the snacking and having leftover pizza for dinner, but I had hoped that with my exercise I would have at least lost a couple of ounces. I stepped onto the bathroom scale to see a slight increase. I was not pleased, but I deserve it after the way I have been eating these last few weeks. The fact that I will be returning to Canada under 290 lbs. is a success… I would love to have been under 280, but unless there is a miracle tomorrow that is not going to happen.

    I went for another walk/jog yesterday. The first kilometer I jogged with Duchess, and because of that my pace was nowhere near what it would normally be… but it was still a good jog. I brought her home after a circle of 1km, and then proceeded to walk another 6.25km. I was quite satisfied with that, knowing that I have been out of it for so long. My pace for the last kilometer was much slower than the previous ones, and I am glad that I did not try to extend the path.

    I had my omelette for breakfast today, and for lunch Leslie and I shared the leftovers of chicken and a tiny piece of steak, and the sautéed mushrooms from the other night. I do not know what we will do for dinner, as it will depend on what her son is in the mood for. Whatever it is, I will try to eat carefully.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 832

    I did it! Yesterday after I published my article (and did a few other housekeeping items that I needed to get done) I went out for my walk/jog. I walked the first kilometre, jogged the second, and then walked the rest of the way, totaling just over 6.5km in total. I will call that a win indeed!

    After I showered and cleaned up Leslie and I sat down for our last Passover meal. We had the same salad I’ve been making all along, but instead of the balsamic vinegar and olive oil we decided to substitute an Asian dressing. While we both applaud the concept, I think the dressing we chose was too subtle for what we were looking for. Live and learn, right?

    After lunch we completed some paperwork which was hanging over our heads, and then to celebrate we had a cigar on the balcony. Leslie then went back to work, and I had a number of calls and meetings I had to join as well. I then made a reservation for dinner, and then answered a slew of outstanding emails.

    As I might have mentioned, this trip was a last-minute and sudden one, so I packed a bit haphazardly. Had it occurred to me when I was packing that we would be celebrating our anniversary together then I would have packed a jacket and tie. I am glad that I had a button-down shirt and a bow-tie that I had ordered from Amazon. When Leslie emerged from the room in her gown I was breathless, and felt between my weight gain and my lack of a jacket that I had severely married up. I couldn’t help but thinking that I love being married to the most beautiful and radiant woman in the room… wherever we go.

    We headed to Chamberlain’s for dinner and I had already decided that I was not holding back. While I would not violate the dietary laws of my faith, I was not going to be on a diet this night. We had two cigars for each of us (one for before the meal, and one for after). I ordered a very lovely scotch whisky and Leslie ordered a cocktail, and we enjoyed our cigar with those until the appetizer came. We shared a plate of bison meatballs that were delicious. For our main course Leslie ordered a filet mignon and I ordered the bone-in rib steak, only because I knew that Duchess was being elevated today and that she would really enjoy the bone. For our sides Leslie ordered the mushrooms (probably her favourite vegetable) and I ordered the green beans. Everything was delicious, and for possibly the first time in my life I did not finish my steak, opting to take some of it home. Could I have polished it off? Yes. Would that have been the right thing to do, knowing that I was no longer hungry? I think I did right. Also, I will have the leftovers for lunch, making it a win-win!

    I had told Leslie that, as Passover was officially over, we could order an indulgent dessert. Non need… Kelly (our fabulous waitress) brought over an amazing cake for us to share. If the cake had not been among the most deliciously decadent chocolate cakes I have ever had (and it was) then the presentation would have still been award-worthy. It was gorgeous and it was fabulous… and despite knowing I could easily have taken those last few bites, we left some of it over. As it was I knew that I had sinned against my diet, and I felt that having the willpower to not polish it off showed that I am not just paying lip-service to it.

    Following our post-dinner cigar (a fabulous Davidoff Royal Robusto) we were both ready to head home. I took Duchess out for her walk because Leslie’s ball gown was probably not what you want to be wearing when you are traipsing through the grass and bending down to pick up poop. I came home knowing that we had enjoyed a wonderful second first anniversary.

    My weight was, of course, up this morning. In fact, it was slightly above 280 lbs. again. After last night’s dinner, coupled with two days of not being able to move my bowels, I was neither surprised nor upset. Tomorrow it will be better.  have had the last matzah that I need to eat for another year, and my bowels should go back to normal pretty quick. To that end, after my breakfast this morning I was able to finally have a good movement, and am already feeling a couple of pounds lighter.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 803

    I got back to my apartment at 2:00am and decided it was better to start packing before I went to sleep, rather than rushing it and trying to do everything in the morning. It was not at all surprising that although I came down with two suitcases that weighed 60 lbs. each and two carry-ons that weighed 25 lbs. each my two suitcases (which included my larger and heavier carry-on) weighed less than 60 lbs. combined, and my knapsack that I am carrying on weighs probably 20 lbs. From the beginning it was my intention to leave a ton of stuff (much of which I collected from my generous friends in Canada) with my buddy in Havana who is a Mason; some of it was for him and his family, most of it will be distributed by his lodge. It feels incredible to be able to help the poor Cuban people who need it; it feels wonderful to be traveling home with a much lighter load than I came with.

    Yesterday was another good day, both with regards to walking and with food intake. Late in the evening I was hungry and thought about enjoying a protein bar, but instead I opted to go to sleep with a slightly empty stomach. According to my phone (which I know is not as accurate at my fitness watch) I walked nearly 18,000 steps and climbed sixteen flights. There is nothing wrong with that!

    As I write this journal entry I am sitting in the airport in Havana. After passing through all of the checkpoints I purchased a bottle of booze at Duty Free, as well as some crackers and wafers. I gave my buddy the last of my US Dollars this morning, after putting aside enough to get to the airport and $5 extra for a cheese sandwich (which I am slowly savouring as I write). I was hoping that my Canadian credit card would work at Duty Free, but it did not, and I was relieved to have Canadian Dollars. The exchange rate is lousy, but the bottle that I purchased is not available in Canada, and as long as the US does not confiscate it from me, I should not have a problem. I have an hour and a bit before my flight boards, and while I will not be connecting to the Internet (which means it will not publish until I land in Houston), I am happy to have a relaxing time to sit and put down some thoughts.

    I love helping the Cuban people, and am happy to have the ability to do so. What sometimes jades me is how blatantly the people in the street size you up and try to separate tourists from their money. Last night as I was walking home a lady (in the loosest sense of the word) accosted me in a vain attempt to get me into bed (and for her to get into my wallet). This was not the first time that has happened to me, and I was not in the mood to even stop walking. As I kept telling her no, she asked why. I eventually told her that she was not my type. She asked what was my type, because she has a friend. I told her that I only like boys. This shocked and offended her… but after a snide comment it also got her to leave me alone. (For those who are wondering, it was as blatant a lie as I have ever told, as I clearly am quite straight!)

    This morning a guy saw me walking with a couple of bags that I was taking for my buddy. He said ‘Is that for me?’ I told him that it was not. He then started playing upset that I help others and not him, and that he says hello to me every time I pass by ‘his corner.’ I looked at him straight and told him that am happy to say hello to everyone, but with 400 people saying hello to me in Old Havana every day, I do not have the wherewithal nor the desire to help every single one. I say hello because it is the nice thing to do, but if he is doing it solely to get something from me then he should not say hello to me anymore. He got pissed off… but he pissed off.

    I may be exaggerating with the number 400, but not by much. There seems to be an entire brigade of people trying to get you a taxi, sell you cigars, give you a tour in a classic car (or walking), or sex with their sister mother daughter aunt or grandmother. Every single person wants to change your dollars, or wants you to help the me to buy medicines or bread for their children or grandmother. Everyone has a sob story, and every one of them is well trained in sizing up tourists and figuring out an angle. While I joke about it from time to time, it really does get boring in a hurry. When I give something to someone in the street I do not know where it will end up. When I give it to the Freemasons I know that it will be distributed to people who really need it, and not to people whose job it is to con tourists.

    That is not to say that I do not give money to some people in the street. Sunday evening I was sitting at a café when a man walked by wearing a kippa and wearing a Star of David. I stopped him and spoke with him, and gave him some money. Saturday evening I was waiting for a friend outside a restaurant when a man approached me on crutches; he had one leg, and his one foot was obviously in trouble. I gave him some money (and spent time talking with him), but what he wanted I could not give him. He wanted hard currency… dollars and Euros. He said he needs it to buy his medicine. Whether or not that is true, I did not have sufficient money in my pocket… and when he told me I should go back to my apartment to get it for him, I told him that I could not. I feel terrible for him and for all of the Cuban people, but there is only so much I can do. If I gave every person in the streets that needed money for (fill in the blank) only one dollar, I would not have money to eat… let alone take care of my friends who also have their sad stories.

    I feel terrible that I get jaded, but the incessant onslaught of people obviously trying to scam me gets old fast. I feel terrible that I cannot help everyone… but I do not have that kind of money. I try to find a balance between not making eye contact with all of them and not letting my heart harden to their plight. I am reminded of my visit to Mumbai, how sad it was seeing the dichotomy between the opulence of the palatial hotel I would spend my evenings in and the modern and secure office complex in which I spent my days, and the throngs of people living in lean-to hovels along the road who had nothing. It was hard to see that. It’s hard to see the plight of the Cuban people as well… but while none of them live well, I know that none of them are going to starve to death, and they all have somewhere to live. Knowing that the tourist areas are well-manned by these hawkers and such, I have to decide each time I come whether my love for the city is enough to keep me renting the cheap apartment off the beaten path, or if I am better off at a hotel. So far the apartment and the real Havana keeps winning out.

    My plane leaves in an hour, and I am going to make my way upstairs to my gate. I was disappointed to learn that I will need to collect my luggage in Houston, but that’s life in the fast lane. I only wish I did not have the overnight layover. I miss my dog and I miss my bed. The hotel bed tonight will be much more luxuriant than the one I have been sleeping in this trip, but Princess Sophie will not be in it. I look forward to seeing her tomorrow afternoon when I finally do get home.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 796

    Yesterday was a wonderful day from beginning to end. IY”H every day should be as good.

    After the ridiculously long, stressful, and expensive two-day span that was Saturday into Sunday, I landed in Cuba only one hour later than I had originally planned for, and was at my apartment by 4:30pm. I did not unpack, but I did go into my suitcase to find a pair of shorts and my sandals (I had changed into a short-sleeve shirt on the plane from Toronto to Houston) and I went out to meet my buddy only a few minutes later than expected. He and I spent the evening together, enjoying a coffee and then dinner… followed by another snack a little later. I was back in my apartment by 11:00pm, and while I was quickly running out of juice, I had to unpack and organize my kit before turning in. I turned on the water heater so that I would be able to shower before getting into bed, which I was finally able to do by 12:30am. I slept like the dead.

    I seldom eat well on travel days, and what with all of the stress and anxiety of the entire ordeal Sunday was no exception. After everything, I should have turned it off… but as we sat in the cafe-bar toward the end of the evening, as Johnny devoured his desert I compounded it by indulging in a plate of French fries. I knew it was wrong… and I did not and do not and will not feel bad or apologize for it. My step count for the day was 14,000, and my stress count was through the roof. I deserved every morsel and every calorie that I ate Sunday.

    Yesterday would have to be better… and it was. I did not eat breakfast, partially because the restaurant I had planned to eat at was not open yet, but also because I met a few guys from Kentucky at my buddy’s cafe and nibbled on a piece of their toast. For lunch I had a plate of pasta (which in Cuba is a reasonable size, and not what one might get in a restaurant in North America). Dinner was a plate of fried plantains and a chicken dish that likely had the nutritional value (or lack thereof) of an order of General Tao’s chicken… but again it was a reasonable size. I walked 17,000 steps throughout the day, enjoyed many cigars and cups of coffee, and the company of a few friends I always see when I’m here. In the balance, yesterday was a weight-plan success.

    After dinner I went back to Johnny’s bistro for another cigar and a video call, and I ran into the guys from Kentucky who joined me for a cigar… and pulled out a bottle of very fine bourbon. I relaxed until closing and then walked with Johnny as far as my apartment, where I picked up another cigar and then went to see my friend Gloria at her work. She and I chatted until nearly 3:00am, at which point I headed back to my place and had a very good (if short) sleep.

    This morning I ordered a plate of fried eggs and toast, and a couple of cups of coffee. Depending on whether or not people I met show up or not, I will either be leading a tour today, or I will just do my own thing in Habana Viella. While it would be great if they do show up, my day will likely be no better or worse if they do or not… it will just be different.

    My goal is to register 15,000 steps or more every day in Havana. That should not be a difficult goal to achieve, and will likely do much more than that some days. The only thing I need to be aware of is the state of my feet, remembering the problems I had with them on my last trip. Those problems started with a lot of steps in a pair of sandals that were probably well past their expected lifespan (measured in steps, not in age). I gave that pair away, and am wearing another pair that I had… which are older, but not nearly as well worn. After a day and a half in them (and over 30,000 steps) my feet seem fine, so I am optimistic. I brought running shoes just in case, but so far so good. If I need to then I will switch out for runners, but if I can manage it then my other goal is to return to Canada without having worn a single pair of socks the whole trip. We’ll see…

    If the group does not show up then I am planning to have a pizza for either lunch or dinner. The other meal will likely be fish or pasta. We’ll see. I did not feel the need to snack yesterday and while I was peckish by about 12:30am, I did nothing about it and went to bed a little hungry. I would have had to be much hungrier to decide to eat after 11pm. If I can make it through today without snacking then it will absolutely be another good food day.

    It has been some time since I wrote about my bowel movements, but this morning was so good that I feel I should mention that my system is working well, and I suspect that it was ridding my body of all the garbage I ate Sunday. As I walked toward my buddy’s bistro for breakfast I felt five pounds lighter.

    On the negative side, I was extremely disappointed with myself yesterday morning when I put on one of my new shirts and it was tight. I could have gotten away with it, but decided against it and changed into something looser. Hopefully within a few days I will try it on again with better results. While I am well aware that hope is not a strategy, I am truly hoping I can make that happen.

    It is now approaching 10:00am and my group is not here. As I said, either they will show up… or they will not. Either way…

    …have a great day!

  • Day 691

    My work schedule changed this week. Beginning yesterday I was teaching from 9am – 1:00pm, and then I had six hours off and taught from 7:00pm – 11:00pm. The change made me change my food schedule, so I had my breakfast as usual, and then after class I prepared my lunch. I was not hungry again before class, and I knew that I would not be able to eat again unless I ate a very late meal. I opted instead for a meal replacement shake, which I had not done in a couple of months. I was hungry again after class, so I had an apple. I was hopeful that I would not gain weight because of that late-night fruit. And then I saw the holiday basket that I received last week… and I started going nuts. I fell off the wagon last night and today.

    I am done. I am throwing the rest of it away and will try to be back on track tomorrow. I hate what I am doing to myself. I have to pull myself back onto the right path.

  • Day 513

    Leslie and I checked into our Bed and Breakfast last night and then drove down the street to a local pub for dinner. I did something that I have not done in years… I ordered a pint. It went very well with my fish and chips! After dinner we picked up a bottle of wine to enjoy with our cigars in the garden of the inn (and for the Shabbat blessings). So far the weekend is going great!

    I am not on a diet this weekend but I am also not going to go overboard. There will be opportunities to indulge, but I will make a point to not overindulge. Leslie is being very helpful with that! As an example, when she was full, she offered me the last bites of her fish… but spoiled her remaining French fries, which I appreciated. At breakfast I could have asked for more toast, but decided not to… both to be good, and to not let Leslie think I was falling.

    We are currently enjoying our latté and cigar in the garden, which is truly a peaceful oasis. Our plans for the rest of the day are to do whatever tickles us at the time. That might include picking strawberries, a vineyard tour, or who knows what. We are together and we are not working, and that is our only goal… to enjoy being together.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 340

    It’s Christmas Day, and Princess Sophie and I will be relaxing at home for most of it. Yes, she woke me up in the middle of the night to go out again, because she absolutely hates the weather, so she holds her business until she realizes that she can’t anymore. I appreciate the consideration; I just wish she had it at 9:30pm and not 2:15am. I love my doggie, so despite my issues falling asleep the last little while, I got bundled up and took her out. Fortunately, she was not dawdling… she did her business, and then made a beeline for the front door of the building.

    Despite my best planning, I had to go out yesterday afternoon… to the store… in violation of every rule that I have ever set for myself. I was not careful, and I spilled the last of the milk, meaning I could either venture out and brave the cold, the wind, and the holiday hordes, or I could drink my coffee this morning black. I do so when I have to, but I really do prefer a little bit of cow-juice in my coffee, and my morning coffee is one of my constant pleasures in life, through good times and bad.

    While I was at the store, I decided to splurge. Yes, my diet has gone to crap through these last few days and weeks, but I am still essentially treading water. I decided to buy myself fancy buns and meatless hamburgers, and I made them for dinner… even though I had already eaten my daily meal. The bigger mistake that I made for my meal plan was having that in the evening, after having my chicken earlier in the day. I should not be eating carbs and starches at night; if I am going to eat them, I should be doing so earlier in the day. I bought two of the buns, but only ate one of them last night. I will correct this mistake today and will have (meatless) hamburgers for lunch. Of course, since they are vegetarian burgers, I might even add some cheese to them today. Happy Holidays!

    I was hoping that the winds would die down so that I could enjoy a cigar on the balcony today, but that is not in the cards. Depending on whether I listen to the CBC (who predicted a forecast high of -2°, or the weather app on my phone (which has it at -5°), the winds are not dying down today. They should abate in the middle of the night, and tomorrow should be better. HRF and I are driving to Strathroy tomorrow to visit with my godchildren tomorrow, so it is unlikely that I will be smoking – unless I decide to enjoy a cigar in the car. Tuesday, however, shows a forecast of partly cloudy with a high of -3°, which would make for a perfect day to spend a couple of hours on the balcony… as long as I bundle up and light up the heater. We will see.

    It is incredible what a difference a year makes. I remember spending last Christmas with my wife (then girlfriend) and it was wonderful… but I was at or near my absolute heaviest weight; despite my joy at spending the week with Leslie, I hated myself. I did not have to look into the mirror to feel it, I remember the difficulties I had tying my shoes, I remember hating that even my XXXL shirts did not fit properly, and I hated that I needed to buy a 4XL ski jacket, because the jacket that I had worn for fifteen years wasn’t just tight, I actually could not close it up. Walking Princess Sophie was a chore, and we would hardly walk to the corner before turning around and heading back. I remember the difficulty in just bending down to pick up after her, and how embarrassed I was that I had to struggle to do so. Today I am married to a woman who loves me. I am ninety pounds lighter than I was; in warm weather, I can walk ten miles, and at a very good pace. I am wearing Size 40-42 pants, and shirts that are either XXL and loose on me, or XL and fitting properly. I can bend down to tie my shoes, or I can do what was not so long ago unthinkable and cross my leg (without bending down to pull it over) to tie them. I still look in the mirror and see that I am extremely overweight… but despite plateaus, I am still trending down toward where I want to be. I may not truly love myself yet… but I see great potential, especially with the recent realizations of what many of my real problems are and beginning on the road to fixing them.

    Why do I plateau? The physiological answer is simple… I stop following my meal program religiously, and I cheat. The psychological answer is not so simple, nor is it as simple as saying ‘here’s something we can point to that is the reason for cheating.’ In 2017 I lost nearly a hundred pounds, and I did so in a twelve-week period. It was intense, it was regimented, it was absolutely unforgiving. When the program was over, it did not take very long for my weight to creep back up, until I was back to where I started… and worse. 2019-20 was not so different. I think those two times I was so unforgiving of myself that when my life got more difficult, I forgot the lessons I learned – just like after my military service, I let all the regimented strict behaviour go. I hope that this time around, taking longer but being more forgiving of myself will allow me to not revert back to old behaviours once the program is over. I have to remember that cheat meals might be an occasional indulgence, but not a daily one. I have to remember that portion size matters, and that if I go overboard on a given day, the following day cannot be a continuation of that… despite the fact that I will feel hungrier and tempted to indulge. I have to stay focused… forever. So yes, I have these plateaus, and I sometimes beat myself up over them. I have to find a way to make sure that they stay in check, even though they are going to happen.

    This current plateau (which has now lasted a month) has to end, not with my going back up, but by getting back on track. I know that tomorrow I will be indulging at Cam and Amanda’s house for Boxing Day, and I know that New Years Eve I will be indulging at Lyle and Dorothy’s… although that one will be less of an indulgence, knowing that while they are gourmet chefs, they have been trying to lose weight (even before Lyle’s stroke). Aside from that? I will be back in the gym this week, and I will be back on my program. Today I am making the correction to eat my hamburger (with the seeded ciabatta bun) at lunch and will have chicken as an early dinner. I will not be buying any more breads, with the exception of challah rolls for the Sabbath. I will not be buying any more popcorn or pop chips – While a serving portion may not be bad for my program, I do not yet have the willpower to limit myself to a serving portion. I have said it a few times this week… Focus.

    In addition to focus, which has been a theme these last few days, I have to include awareness. I have to be aware of everything that I eat, and everything that I buy at the store. As an example: a couple of days ago, I decided to buy a box of Corn Flakes so that I could make a different chicken recipe for myself. The fact that the box of cereal was here means that Mr. No-Willpower had the means and opportunity to have two bowls of it a couple of nights ago. Does that mean I cannot make my different chicken recipe because I cannot withstand even the slightest temptation? No… but rather than buying the cereal, I will look for breadcrumbs that have similar nutritional value, but no temptation to eat.

    I am over eleven months into this program, and I still do not feel that I have built the willpower to withstand temptation. That does not mean that I have not changed (or at least started to change) the unhealthy relationship I have with food. Not only am I more aware of my dietary requirements for my religious progression, I have also noticed that some foods are just less appetizing to me when I see them in advertisements. That is not to say that I did not steal one chicken wing from my son the other night when we were out for dinner… but the fact that I only stole the one chicken wing shows real progress. As for the salad that I ordered, which was delivered in an edible bowl: I took a very small taste of it, and then crushed it down and doused it with water so that I would not be tempted to eat it. The speaks to my awareness that is better than it was; I knew that eating the bowl was a bad idea, so I took action to eliminate its allure.

    Today is Day five of my medication journey, and I am seeing some real improvement. As I mentioned yesterday, I do not know if that is because I am looking for it, and so I am behaving the way I want to be… or if I am really seeing a difference from the medications. It might be a little of both, but in the meantime, this journal entry (which is now close to 1,700 words) was done with only minor interruptions… I got up to pour another cup of coffee, and while I did, I realized that the tower of wrapped presents that was perched on the side of my desk might fall if I did not move them, and so I did. Other than that, I have been writing from the time I sat down. Is that medicated focus, or is that my wanting to be focused? I don’t know… maybe it is a little of both.

    Have a great day folks!