Losing a part of me

Category: Cheating

  • Day 32 – Who knew?

    I ate a lot of leftover turkey yesterday. Because of that I was not surprised when I stepped onto the bathroom scale yesterday evening to see that I was four pounds heavier than I was in the morning. I woke up this morning and did my bathroom ritual, and before I stepped onto the scale I hoped that I would not be more than two pounds heavier than yesterday. It was the salt that worried me more than the quantity – although they were really neck and neck concerns.

    My weight dropped 1.2 lbs. from yesterday. While I am still 1.2 lbs. heavier than I was two days ago, I dropped fully half of what I gained during the Tuesday binge night. I will take that as a win. This evening will not be another binge night, although I will eat at Lodge and I will try to do so much more carefully than I did Tuesday.

    Yes, I have another Lodge to visit this evening, and I am torn about it. On the one hand, I am always happy visiting different lodges – this will be my second visit to this particular one. On the other hand, Montreal is playing Boston this evening, and that is a very important hockey game! I will keep my phone on the seat next to me… as I have these last few games for which I had Lodge conflicts.

    I plan to spend the afternoon at my cigar lounge studying again today. Hopefully by the end of next week I will be ready to sit the exam.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 31 Oopsies

    I gained two pounds this morning. Part of it is because of the turkey, most of it is probably because I had the stuffing and the sweet potatoes… and the apple pie. Stupid.

    I brought some turkey home with me… none of the rest.

  • Another Day 30

    I do not know how many times I have started over again since I started this blog and journal. I know that I have restarted several times and not gotten through the first month, but I have also gotten through the first thirty days several times before. The hard part of this attempt is behind me; the real work is ahead of me and has no end date.

    As of this morning I am down thirty-five pounds!!! You better believe that I am happy with that. I am especially happy knowing that I had dinner at a restaurant last night with my date, and while I ordered healthy, I did take one piece of garlic bread from her. I should not have done that.

    This evening I am having a turkey dinner at a Lodge, and I have to be aware of myself and careful of what (and how much) I put in my mouth. I was not careful last night, not because of the bread but because I accidentally broke my religious dietary laws. I have to atone for that, which I will do by giving to charity.

    I thought I had a good night sleep, but I would not have minded an extra hour. Every pet parent knows that when doggie asks to go out, you listen. She made it up to me a bit later though… we lay down for a nap later in the morning.

    By the way: after writing about certification exams yesterday, I decided to sit an exam right then. I was not sure what the exam would entail because while it is a topic I am pretty knowledgeable on, I had not looked at the study material; not one bit. The questions were asked in a convoluted manner – the grammar was terrible! I was worried, especially knowing that the passing score was 80%. When I pressed the Submit Answers button I was relieved that I passed. I got the minimum passing score, but that is as good as a perfect score. I have now passed 8 exams this calendar year… and probably 9 but I will only get the results of my beta exam in January. I am hoping to knock out two or three more exams this year, but we will see.

    Okay, I have to get things done. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 28 – The end of Week 4

    With another half-pound drop this morning, the last day of my fourth week on the program has me down thirty-four pounds. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself! Would there have been more of a drop had I not cheated a few times? Absolutely… but I would rather the majority of my program be successful with a few minor cheats than have a couple of successful days in an otherwise failed attempt.

    I thought seriously about going out for breakfast this morning. I decided against it. There is a decent chance that I might have another salad with grilled chicken later today, which is fine as long as it is the only meal. Allowing myself multiple meals in a day is a true path to falling off the program, and I do not want that.

    I believe I am having two turkey dinners this week. I wrote about them in a recent entry.

    I had a chicken salad at the bar last night, and still lost weight today. I think I am going to continue including one salad per day in my program; I had decided at the very beginning of my journey that I would do that after about a month, which is almost exactly where we are now. I’m not disappointed!

    I have been working on a couple of new-to-me computers this morning, but it is almost time for me to stop working for this Sunday. I am going to have a hot bowl of stew for lunch before heading over to the cigar lounge to meet a friend in about an hour.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 27: Back on track (ish…)

    As I wrote in this journal yesterday, it was my intention to eat a slice of pizza at Lodge. That did not happen as all of the pizza had meat on it, primarily pork I would assume. My diet is a convenient with myself which I can break and only break my word to myself. Breaking my word with G-d is another story. When the Lodge sat down to eat I took my leave and went home to enjoy a bowl of soup. It worked out.

    I got hungry later in the evening while I was at the bar, and I did not think I had another meal replacement in the car. I decided to order a salad which grilled chicken, and asked them to go light on the dressing. I think I did pretty well, considering it was absolutely a cheat.

    My weight this morning dropped back to where it was Thursday. I am relieved that additional salad did not hurt my progress. In order to hit my goal of fifty pounds by the end of November, I have to drop another seventeen pounds, and I have twenty-three days to achieve it. Unfortunately, there are two turkey dinners in there – one for a Lodge that I am visiting on Tuesday, another for a Friendsgiving dinner for my Jewish group. I will do my absolute best to eat in moderation, but assuming that I gain three pounds (combined) from those two cheat days, I have 23 days to lose 20 lbs. which is not going to be easy… but as I said, I set lofty goals, and if I lose 47 and not 50 then I will absolutely consider it a success.

    I have a few things going on today, but nothing that should involve eating. If I decide to have another salad for dinner this evening then I will not feel guilty about it. We will see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 26: FAILED

    I fell off the wagon yesterday.

    I went to a Lodge and… well, it would be so easy to say that I succumbed to peer pressure, that I was encouraged or urged to eat. In truth, I just fell into old habits and did not pay attention. I asked to make sure the chili had no pork, I made sure to add onions but not cheese… but I had two large helpings of turkey chili which is extremely not on my program. The result? I gained 2.0 lbs. from yesterday. F&ck.

    Today might have become another difficult cheat day because I am going to another Lodge this evening, and I will be encouraged to eat there. With that said, I think someone mentioned they are serving pizza, and while I love pizza, most of it will not be kosher. It they have a cheese or veggie pie then I might allow myself a single slice… not two, one.

    I am already looking and feeling better than I did less than a month ago when I embarked upon this journey, and I am not going to fall off the wagon. I am, however, going to allow myself to recognize that I am not a machine, and eating only the same meal replacements for months on end will be hard. Coming into this holiday season, I am going to have a couple of turkey dinners where I can splurge. I will not go overboard, but I do love turkey. I am dating a lovely lady and I will take her out… and eat salads. I will try to separate the ‘cheat meals’ with several days of staying on my program.

    I had an interaction at my bar last night that left me a bit floored. There is a woman there that I went on a date with a couple of months ago. We kissed but nothing more. She seemed to really like me, but succumbed to peer pressure from some of her other friends at the bar who convinced her that dating me was a bad idea. The words ‘Fucking Jew’ were mentioned among the only solid reasons for this. For the most part, I did not really care. I moved on. I would say hello to her at the bar, but that was about it. Before I decided to not pursue her any further, she broke her word to me several times. She stood me up on two occasions when we were supposed to meet, she promised she would text me so that we could talk but never did, and she promised to pay me back for something (less than $20).

    Last night she was there with the guy who convinced her I was an FJ and bad news. I did not feel any need to interact. I’m sure you will agree that was the best strategy. I enjoyed my cigar, I sang a few karaoke songs, and I was getting ready to go home when she got me to come over and to speak with her and a friend of hers (not the guy). She told me that her friend had nowhere to go, and she was wanted me to bring the friend home with me. For some context, the friend is quite attractive. I am reasonably sure that had I agreed, I would be quite a bit more tired this morning than I am. The woman told me ‘She is very safe and trustworthy. I can vouch for her.’

    I said no. I did it politely, and told them both that it was out of the question. The woman asked me why not, if she vouches for her? I told her she did not want to know the answer. She insisted.

    I told her that she had no credibility with me, and that her vouching for the woman actually worked against her, rather than in her favour.

    She tried to turn it around on me that I don’t want to help her because she never slept with me, and then focused on that I don’t like that she hangs around with Kevin.

    I told her that I did not know who Kevin was. (I was telling the truth, although it was safe to assume that Kevin was the guy who called me an FJ. He was also the guy she was hanging out with that evening, and who she seemed to make out with a few times although I can’t be sure) I told her truthfully that I could not trust her because she had lied to me a number of times, and because of the decisions she makes.

    In short, this woman is going to start talking trash about me at the bar. She has no real ammunition, but lies are plentiful.

    I told the girl I am dating the whole story. I did not want her hearing it from anyone else. I think she agrees that I handled it properly. Phew!

    Okay, it is time for me to have my lunch. My new order of meal replacements arrived yesterday so I have the beef stew readying. It is not quite mouth watering, but it is tasty.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 25 – Lucky or not?

    I picked up my date last night and we drove to the restaurant which had me worried because of my diet. I am glad that I planned ahead, but in fact there were not a lot of opportunities for me to fall off my diet.

    We had dinner at a seafood restaurant. To be clear, this was not surf and turf… this was sink or swim. My date ordered something very not kosher, with an appetizer of something else VERY not kosher. Nothing to tempt me. I ordered the salad with grilled salmon with balsamic vinaigrette. Perhaps they were a bit heavy on the dressing, but it was fine.

    After dinner we went to another spot to enjoy a cigar, and she had another drink. At some point she ordered a piece of pecan pie. I was not at all tempted by it, even though she bragged about how delicious it was.

    On my way home I was hungry so I decided to stop in at the supermarket to get some almonds. My hand slipped and instead of dispensing a handful of nuts, I got something like two pounds worth in the bag. I picked up a different bag and dispensed the right amount. I tried to give the huge bag to the cashier, but she told me that they couldn’t resell them, so I was free to take them. I now have a huge bag of almonds in the pantry… which I do not particularly want. I’ll rephrase: I want… but shouldn’t have. Almonds in moderation are a good occasional snack, but they should not be a regular part of my diet.

    My weight was still down this morning… but only by a couple of ounces.

    This evening I am going to a Lodge meeting and will try to not eat.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 23… Yawn

    I had what I thought of as an attempted cheat yesterday. I was sitting at my cigar lounge and got peckish. I went to the fridge to grab a couple of pieces of cheese that I’d been snacking on the previous days and was denied! The tray from Friday evening’s event was gone. While that may have been disappointing in the moment, it worked out well for my program.

    As I sat in the bar with my friends, they ordered chicken wings which was not a great temptation for me. I did, however, gratefully accept the celery (including the extra celery) that they got with their order, as well as one carrot stick. They were tasty, they were crunchy, and as far as satiety they were almost but not quite entirely useless. Fortunately, I had a meal replacement bar in my car which I got, and had my fifth and final meal replacement of the day.

    I should mention that as I was lying in bed late last night, I was quite hungry. I thought about doing something about it… I did not. I tossed and turned for a couple of hours before finally getting up and taking a shower and a melatonin gummy. I watched television for an hour, and then I finally nodded off. I slept well for the four hours I had left before my alarm kicked me out of bed. Yes, I am tired today. No, I am not falling asleep.

    I will not consider the celery and the one carrot stick as a cheat. I got lucky with the cheese. All in all, yesterday was a successful day. My weight did drop this morning, albeit not very much… a couple of ounces at best. a little drop is better no drop. I’ll take it!

    Tomorrow evening is going to be another date night, and I will have to be careful about what I order. She is picking the restaurant, and I will have to stay adamant on my ordering. As for this evening, there is a Montreal Canadiens hockey game, so you know I’ll be watching that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 19: Date Night!

    Yes, I have a date this evening. I am looking forward to it. I am also very worried about it because I will have to fall off the program for one meal. I made the decision that the risk was worth it… but I know I have to be careful about what I eat… and how much.

    Last night I came in at 11:45pm having had only four meal replacements. I thought briefly about going straight to bed, but in then end I decided to have my final one before sleeping. I was very hungry, and it was the right thing to do.

    I finally got paid today, and am going to make my new order of meal replacements today so that they should arrive early next week.

    A Jewish group that I am a member of is hosting an event in two weeks that they are calling Friendsgiving Dinner. I think that if tonight’s cheat meal works well, then I should be able to go through to that and enjoy a small turkey dinner. If I feel that I cannot do it then I am going to get out of there. I have to be strong and yes, I want to be part of my community and I want to make friends… but not at the cost of my success with this program.

    Speaking of the program: After the hockey game last night (which my team won by the way) I went to the bar to meet my friend and her girlfriend. My friend knows all about my diet, but this was the first time I have seen her girlfriend in over a month, so it was the first time I even mentioned it to her. With the best of intentions, she stressed me out. She strongly corrected me that I was not dieting, but I was on a lifestyle change. Friend, I know all of these things. This is not my first kick at this can. I am so proud of you for having succeeded at losing a ton of weight, but unless I am in the mindset for it, I do not want to discuss anything about it – not my plans, my intake, and not the psychology behind it. I was not upset with her in the least – she is a wonderful woman who means only the best for me – but under even the most ideal conditions the subject causes my blood pressure to shoot up, and that was not what I wanted last night. She is great though… and when we are not in a bar surrounded by a bunch of strangers and near-strangers.

    It only occurred to me just now, but as of this morning my weight is down thirty pounds from Day 1. In what world would I not be thrilled by that progress? I have a long way to go… and even if after this evening’s cheat meal I do gain back a pound, I will still be happy with it. By my two new goals I have to lose twenty pounds in November, and then another twenty-five pounds in December. If I am going to succeed with both of those goals then it is much more likely that I will lose the 25 in November and 20 in December… but either way I am happy. Even if I do not lose the seventy-five pounds I want to by New Years, unless I fall off the wagon completely then any conservative estimate still has me losing another 30, which means at least sixty pounds lost from October 13 through December 31. I expect that it will be closer to seventy pounds than sixty!

    My next task, while staying on the program, is to start exercising. That will happen over the weekend… but it cannot interfere with my studying, which is extremely important. I have two major exams I need to sit in the next three days.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 12 Screwup

    I was doing well through the first half of yesterday… and then I fell hard. After I took my son to the gun range (a very positive experience I will say) I ran a couple of errands, and then decided that a salad at my favourite Italian restaurant wouldn’t hurt. It likely would not have… except that it ended up as a salad and a plate of pasta with creamy sauce. What a mistake. I’ll be back on track today… especially knowing that my new meal replacements should be arriving today and I can try the soups!

    I paid the price of course… my weight was up over a pound this morning. Of course, had I re-weighed myself after my second trip to the washroom that might have been down some. I really felt it after a while, and hope to get back on track today, if only so that my stomach does not bother me like that again.

    Today is Friday, and I am looking forward to getting through to the weekend. The Montreal Canadiens are playing this evening, and I will be watching them at my local bar. I will not be tempted to eat there – at least, I have not been yet. I just enjoy sitting in my stool and watching the game with a cigar.

    I know I have only dropped about fifteen pounds, but I am tempted to say that my sports jackets are already feeling like they fit a little better than they were. That is progress. My short(ish) term goal is for the jackets and shirts that I bought fifty pounds ago start fitting me. Hopefully by the end of the year… but it is more important that I do it and stick to it than that I do it fast.

    Happy Friday folks!