Losing a part of me

Category: Depression

  • Day 1252

    I still feel like I have this pit in my stomach that is bringing my entire world down. Some people are telling me that it is obvious that I have gained a lot of weight, and that it is a shame that I have lost so much ground after how well I had done. How do you tell them that some days the choice is to eat… or to stop?

    My sleep was a little better the last couple of nights – 75 and 79 respectively. It takes me a lot to fall asleep, but once I do get there it is usually only interrupted by my bladder.

  • Day 1250

    The temperatures have been (and will continue to be) record-breaking in my part of the world. This afternoon it was a sunny 35° (which is not taking the humidex into account). Needless to say, it was not a bad day for me to have to sit at my desk and work all day… which is essentially what I did. After fighting with it for a few days, I think I finally got my home lab environment up and running. It is not completely done… but it is at a place where I am not going to worry about it. Tomorrow I am teaching a cloud security class and will not be worrying about it. If I need it for any reason, I have the essentials working.

    Today is the six year anniversary of Princess Sophie’s Adoption Day. We woke up and drove out to Beverly Hills… in our eagerness we were two hours early and found a café to relax at before heading back to the Adoption Fair. In honour of that memory, Her Floofness has been getting spoiled even more than usual today. Tomorrow is an anniversary of a different sort… I am glad I have to focus on work which means hopefully I will not be dwelling on that all day.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1247

    I was not in much of a mood to write yesterday, which is almost a shame, seeing as I had my second straight night of good sleep with a >80 sleep score. It is a pity that the streak could not be extended to three days, but despite registering over eight hours of sleep, the score was down to a 68… probably owing to the two or three periods of my lying awake and unable to drift back into dreamland. I was in my head about so many things… but none of them would surprise either me or anyone who has been privy to my thoughts and despair and anxieties these last three months.

    I had a dream last night that one of the issues that has been weighing on me was resolved. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and almost everything else started to fall into place. After I woke up needing to visit the little boys’ room, I got back into bed luxuriating in the feeling… which unfortunately I did while awake. Sigh.

    A buddy was supposed to come over for brunch, but that is now up in the air until he confirms if his honey-do list is complete. It seems a kitchen appliance might need to be replaced making the list one complicated item longer than he thought. No worries, no stress.

    In the meantime I also have a meeting in a few minutes, after which I will decide what the rest of my day will look like. I will probably spend most of the day working.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1242

    As planned, I spent the afternoon with one friend, then the evening with a group of buddies and brothers from my Lodge (and some of their families). It was a cross between a nice distraction and a horrible reminder of what I am going through. I need to get past the worst of my issues before I can move forward. My weight is the least of my concerns. The complete absence of joy and happiness from my life is what I need to address.

    While my sleep score was down below 70 again last night (to a 69) I was nonetheless able to get 7.5 hours of sleep, which is important because while I might need more, I had been getting much less. I likely would have snuck another thirty minutes in had Princess Sophie not insisted on going out again last night when I came home… but she was good enough to make it clear that she wanted to go out, and I try to be a good enough doggie daddy to listen.

    Speaking of being a daddy, there is another reason I am in the dumps. I have not heard from my children today… some Father’s Day.

    Have a great day folks… I likely won’t.

  • Day 1241

    I actually slept nine straight hours last night. Well, straight… broken up only by a trip to the latrine. My sleep score was over 80 for the first time in 11 days, and although according to my fitness watch last night’s 81 only rated as ‘good,’ after the week I’ve had it was simply luxuriant.

    I am going to spend the afternoon with friends, and then in the evening I have an event with some Lodge members that I am going to. I hope I can keep something like a positive mask on my face. I really do not want anyone to think that I am having a terrible time of it because of them. Well… one person would be right… but I am not seeing that person today. Okay… two people. All I have to do to not see the other one is avoid mirrors.

  • Day 1240

    Yesterday after class I was walking with my dog and stopped to speak with a neighbour in the next building who is usually quite nice. He commented on my recent obvious weight loss. It was all I could do to not lash out at him and yell about all of the crap that is going on in my life and how dare he have the nerve to criticize my weight. I beat myself up enough over it but I have the right. Who the hell does he think he is?

    My sleep score last night was 70… generally not very good, but compared to the last week it is a great leap. I am desperately hoping to get some decent rest over the weekend. I do know that had my alarm not gone off this morning I could easily have slept another hour or two.

  • Day 1238

    I seem to be on a path of self-destruction. So why don’t I do anything?

  • Day 1237

    Another day, another not-so-great night of sleep. I have to figure out a way to start sleeping, lest I get to the end of the week and fall asleep in the middle of my class. We definitely cannot have that happening – my reputation is at stake!

    Today was the first time in three days that I was able to move my bowels. It was not great, but at least it was something. I am sure that throughout the course of the day and possibly into tomorrow it will get a bit easier… Lord knows I have been eating enough.

    Life still sucks but I am trying to cope.

  • Day 1236

    Last night was my third straight night with a sleep score int he 50s. I did not get to bed nearly when I should have, and that is on me. Hopefully this evening I will do better.

  • Day 1235

    I am ashamed and embarrassed that I went to see my Hong Kong tailor yesterday to have larger shirts and a larger jacket made. I hate myself. With the emotional garbage that I am going through these days it is little wonder that I am having trouble with my diet, but that does not make me feel any better. It is just one more reason why I hate myself.

    My sleep score from last night was up from the previous night… but only marginally. It climbed from 50 to 58. This, despite my being in bed and trying to sleep at a reasonable hour. Sigh.