Category: Depression

A Lodge brother who moved away was in town this week and he came over for drinks and cigars last night. He was the first person that I spoke to about what is going on. It is hard. I am in so much emotional pain that I cannot imagine getting through it. I am trying. His conversation was very helpful. If only friends could be with me all the time.

I am still not sleeping well despite my best efforts. I am hoping that over the weekend I will be able to reverse that. We shall see.

Have a great day folks.

I slept last night. In fact, I looked at my fitness watch which reported a sleep score of 80 (although still not long enough). That’s great… except that this was because I slept right through my alarm, and I woke up 17 minutes before I was supposed to be online to prepare for my class (instead of the usual 2 hours before). I rushed my bathroom rituals and took Princess Sophie for a very abridged walk, and was online 22 minutes after I woke up. That is not how I like to work.

I am still wondering how I am going to get myself out from this terrible darkness.

I just do not want to be here. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself, but I am just so completely lost that I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. It is not about my weight, but trying to keep my weight in check during this emotional crisis is hard.

Someone asked me what I am doing to occupy my mind when I am not working. Last week that was not really an issue because I was working those ridiculous hours. Over the weekend I spent some time with various friends, and smoked a lot of cigars. I will probably be smoking more cigars than usual during my downtime this week. Fortunately, there will not be a lot of downtime, because while I am not teaching overseas, I am still teaching all day every day… and three evenings.

I have to get a hold of myself… I have to find a way to get back on track. For once I mean more with my mental health than with my weight (which is of course connected, but right now secondary). Life sucks and I don’t see it getting better.

I did not get a good night sleep last night despite being in bed at a reasonable hour. I just have too much on my mind. Today will therefore be a long day, and I just hope that I can make it through to the end.

I am really looking forward to going to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. I did get a full four and a half hours of sleep yesterday afternoon, but against my better judgement I did wake up at 6:00pm to go to my Lodge meeting. There were several items of business for which my presence was required, and so on 4.5 hours of sleep (over the last two days) I got out of bed, got dressed, and dragged myself out to the meeting.

It will be good to get back on a normal wake/sleep schedule starting this evening, but I know that is not why I have been so down. With great effort… well, we’ll see.

After the good night of sleep I had the previous night, yesterday was a disaster. I tried to sleep after my overnight class but could not sleep a wink. I got through my evening class (barely), and got perhaps three hours of sleep before I had to get up for my overnight class. Bottom line: I am exhausted. My class will be done in an hour, after which I plan to take my dog for a walk and then jump into bed. I wish I did not have commitments for this evening, but knowing that I do makes the afternoon sleep critical.

I have been having terrible thoughts recently that I do not want to write about. I am ashamed for wanting to give up. I just have to keep pushing ahead.