Losing a part of me

Category: Despair

  • Day 1237

    Another day, another not-so-great night of sleep. I have to figure out a way to start sleeping, lest I get to the end of the week and fall asleep in the middle of my class. We definitely cannot have that happening – my reputation is at stake!

    Today was the first time in three days that I was able to move my bowels. It was not great, but at least it was something. I am sure that throughout the course of the day and possibly into tomorrow it will get a bit easier… Lord knows I have been eating enough.

    Life still sucks but I am trying to cope.

  • Day 1236

    Last night was my third straight night with a sleep score int he 50s. I did not get to bed nearly when I should have, and that is on me. Hopefully this evening I will do better.

  • Day 1235

    I am ashamed and embarrassed that I went to see my Hong Kong tailor yesterday to have larger shirts and a larger jacket made. I hate myself. With the emotional garbage that I am going through these days it is little wonder that I am having trouble with my diet, but that does not make me feel any better. It is just one more reason why I hate myself.

    My sleep score from last night was up from the previous night… but only marginally. It climbed from 50 to 58. This, despite my being in bed and trying to sleep at a reasonable hour. Sigh.

  • Day 1234

    I did not have the same kind of headache this morning that I did yesterday, but there was a bit of it in there. Then again, then again my sleep score was in the toilet so I wonder if that might have something to do with it.

    Today is her birthday. I will celebrate by being even more down than I have been of late. I cannot even wish her well.

  • Day 1232

    My sleep score last night was the highest it has been since mid-April. It was luxuriant to wake up after eight hours of restful sleep… a real relief. I can only hope that it is the beginning of a trend, and not a single plot on a graph.

    I have a lot to do today but I just do not feel like doing any of it. I guess I should bot be surprised about that – my emotions have been in the toilet for over two months. Putting on a happy face for the world is not easy and frankly it exhausts me. If only that exhaustion would lead to a few more good nights sleep that would be great.

  • Day 1231

    I know I keep saying this but I need to get back on track. What do I need:

    • My work life needs to be on track
    • My eating and weight loss (somewhat of a joke these last few months) needs to get back on track
    • My exercise – nearly nonexistent this last year – needs to get back on track

    I am not even going to address my emotional issues… more on that later.

    My work life, which had been a disaster for months until February, seems to be back on track. January was still not a great month but things picked up a little at the end, and I got through the first two months of the year by the skin of my teeth. March, April, and May were all banner months, and so far I have courses booked for June, July, and August – traditionally very slow months in my industry, so I am relieved that I will have continuous income throughout the summer – and if it is slightly lower than the last few months then that is still far better than nothing.

    My eating and my exercise are probably quite closely tied together, and finding my way back on track with those is also tied to (although not at all related to the cause of) my emotional issues. I know I have to get back on track but I am not sure whether I have the strength right now. There are some days that it is all I can do to get out of bed. At the same time I am extremely upset about my body so I know that I need to get back on track. I have lost so much of the incredible work that I did which took me so long to do. I am hoping that with the warmer weather finally upon us that maybe I will be able to drag myself out of the house for a walk if not a jog quite yet.

    My life is the total shite right now and I have to either get out of my funk or I don’t know what is going to happen. For those of you wondering, yes I know how terrible the grammar of that last sentence is… I just do not have the energy to try to fix it.

    I slept a lot last night, but I did not feel refreshed in the morning. My fitness watch backed that up. Sigh.

  • Day 1226

    My sleep yesterday was similar to Tuesday… I slept for about four hours, then I woke up for a couple of hours, and then I went back to sleep for another 4-5 hours. After working on less than three hours of sleep yesterday, I am feeling much better (physically) today. Emotionally… that’s a whole other story.

  • Day 1225

    Unlike the previous day, I did not sleep well at all yesterday. I went right to bed after my class, but could not really sleep. I might have gotten three hours of sleep but they were fitful and interrupted. I did not give up because I knew my body needed the rest so I stayed in bed until I knew I had to get up to teach my evening class.

    I am a couple of hours into teaching my class for the day and I am going to get through it as well as I can but I am counting down the hours until I can get some sleep. Unfortunately, as of this moment that countdown is at 7.5 hours, which means I have to find a way to stay awake for that long. It also means that in all likelihood whatever method I use to stay awake will keep me awake long after I can sleep. Grrr.

    Have a day folks.

  • Day 1224

    By the time my class ended yesterday I was so tired that I was not sure that I would make it to my bed safely. At the same time, I was worried that I might not get the sleep that I needed. Sure enough, I slept five hours and then was up again. I took Princess Sophie for her walk, and when we came home I made a meal… although I am not quite sure which meal it was. I was up for about four hours, and then at 8:00pm I went back to bed… hopeful that I would get at least one or two more hours of sleep. Sure enough, I woke up after 12:30am. While it was not straight through, I did actually get over nine hours of sleep. I will make it through the day without a problem.

    My weight is another story… I have to get back on track!

  • Day 1222

    For only the second time in a month my Sleep Score was an 83 last night. I had trouble falling asleep, but when I did I slept well. I was worried when, around 6:30am, I had to get up to pee. I was worried that Princess Sophie would not let me get back into bed because she wanted to start her day. Fortunately that was not the case, and I was able to sleep another couple of hours, and for the second time in a month I recorded eight hours of sleep.

    I spent the day connecting with friends yesterday, and then the evening on the balcony with a cigar and a drink. I suppose that is my pattern these days.

    This evening I begin teaching my class in Central Europe Standard Time again… which for local time looks like 1:00am unto 11:30am. Add to that, this evening I begin my last week with my evening classes, so Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I am also teaching from 6:30pm until 10:30pm. It is going to be another disastrous week for my sleeping, but work is good for my soul. Right now it is the only part of my life that is.

    Have a great day folks.