Losing a part of me

Category: Dreams

  • Day 855

    There is something extremely satisfying about a successful bowel movement. In the middle of the day yesterday I felt the urge, and was very pleased with the result. My bowels felt like I had emptied them completely. It is likely the last time I will feel that again for some time. Peeing, on the other hand, is another story. You know that you are drinking more than enough water in a day when you cannot count how many times you have to urinate on both hands. Leslie and I were joking that our productivity might fall, but we would get our steps in throughout the day just between our desks and the washroom.

    I had a vivid dream last night that I had completely forgotten that I had restarted my diet program, and for some reason the delectable cheat that I was lured to cheat by was a sandwich made from matzah. I do not remember the fillings, but I remember the feeling or dread the moment I realized that I had cheated… and dreaded admitting so to Leslie. When I awoke to realize it had been a dream and that I had not cheated, it was oddly more of a relief than when I wake up from a bad dream from the Army. I suppose that could be explained by the 27.5 years that I have been out of the Army, and today is only the third day of my renewed diet program.

    Speaking with Leslie last night I thought of several things that I could add to my list of short-term goals, all of which are non-scale victories (a term that I had not thought of recently, but which my wife helped me to remember). Most (if not all) of them revolved around my clothes fitting better. I do have a lot of very nice clothes that I have had custom tailored that are either tight or do not fit at all anymore. That truly angers me, and I want to get back into them.

    I wrote about my thinner face yesterday. It is certainly something that I noticed at the time, but not until it was pointed out to me. My friend and occasional cleaning lady Kerry noticed and commented on it, and that made me feel good. She is someone I only see every couple of months so while I missed the gradual loss that I was seeing daily, the all-at-once transition hit her like that. Now if only I could get back to that…

    Yesterday looked almost exactly like the previous day in a lot of respects. I ate exactly the same (including the almonds cheat in the early evening), and my pot of coffee. I also drank more water than I have drunk in any two (or three) day period in a very long time. I did 5km on the treadmill, half of which was done at a jog (4mph), the rest at a brisk walk (3.5-3.7mph). I will try to do the same today, but that will partly depend on my timing, as I have to take Her Floofness to an appointment, and then I have some things I need to do in the afternoon. We’ll see.

    It is a lovely day, and I am not looking forward to starting my productive day… but it is time.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 198

    I do not know if I could have gotten this far into my weight loss journey without the love and support of a good woman. The fact that she understands my struggles is a huge relief, and has gotten me through many hard days.

    Yesterday evening I wrote an entry that began with four paragraphs of how I was going to pick up a whole lot of really unhealthy foods for dinner. It was a dream sequence, and when that sequence was completed, I decided to space it so that the next line (‘WAKE UP, MITCH! You were dreaming! ‘) would be off the bottom of the page for most readers. I wanted the reader to feel that this was real… as real as the temptation was in me.

    When we sat down for our date, Leslie told me that I had her going, and that while she was reading it… let’s just say that she was not impressed. I told her that I did not write it as a ruse or a joke, but rather as a demonstration that while my goal is to change my unhealthy relationship with food… I am nowhere near achieving that goal. It would have been as easy for me to pick up the Chinese food and Buffalo wings as it was for me to go for my walk. Easier, in fact, because it would have required no pain, endurance, or dedication… only my credit card.

    My walking and weight management routines are still in their nascent stage, and nowhere near habitual. While I do not wake up every morning salivating over the thought of French toast drowning in Quebec maple syrup, I also am not at the point where I am addicted to my exercising. I also know that it would not take much to push me back into my old habits. Even if I were able to curtail the overeating, I would still be indulging in unhealthy foods (mostly take-out) on a daily basis. Otherwise, I might be eating only my own cooking… but eating three large meals per day. The more likely scenario is that I would be overeating a combination of my own foods and the unhealthy take-out… and that only because restaurants do get expensive, and I am not made of money.

    I do not want any of that to happen. I know that I still have a few things I will need to cut out when my current weight loss plateaus. My one meal is larger than it needs to be, and I could cut it down. I will eventually have to cut out milk in my coffee, and sugar or sweetener as well. With regard to food intake, those are currently the only things that are I might cut out if I wanted to speed things up. Yes, I could stop adding pumpkin seeds to my salad, and fewer tomatoes and onions (which are both high in sugar), but that is it.

    As I discussed with Leslie yesterday, there will be days when my weight is up (as it was yesterday), but the science is clear that if I stick with my current regimen of food and exercise, there is no way for me to not lose weight. Before I was ever introduced to my current (rather extreme) program, everyone told me that a 1,500-calorie diet would be an extreme but effective way for me to lose weight. Well guess what? I am not consuming that many calories in a day. No, I am not on the 900-calorie regimen that the full-on program calls for (four meal replacements, nothing else), but I have done that twice, and both times I succeeded until I failed. Thank you, I will do my modified program that is less extreme, but hopefully will show longer-lasting results.

    It is quite the relief that Princess Sophie is feeling better. Last night was the second in a row that she slept through the night; this morning she had her second solid and healthy bowel movement. I am relieved that whatever she was afflicted with is behind her. She had a half-day play date with Charlie yesterday, and I suspect she will be with him all day today at our neighbour Sue’s house. Every loving dog parent wants their fur-babies to be happy and healthy; the five days when she was not were not fun, not because I had to clean up several poop accidents in the kitchen (although there was nothing fun about that), and not because she got me out of bed in the middle of the night (when she did let me sleep at all), but mostly because I hated seeing her unhappy. She is a very proud pup, and I know that she was embarrassed by her needs and by her weakness. I can see it in her eyes that she is relieved to be feeling better.

    My plan for the day is no different from yesterday. My fitness watch has a sliding scale for daily step goals, which I believe is based on your average steps for the last week. Today’s goal is 11,540, and judging by my performance this week I should not have any trouble achieving that. I am going to set a goal though… I have since Monday walked 31.75km, averaging just under 8km per day. I am going to aim for a fifty-five-kilometre goal from Monday through Sunday. To achieve that, all I have to do is average 8 km per day, which is really my baseline now anyways. The challenge is getting out there to do it… and that despite whatever the weather may be. Today will likely be my easiest day – the forecast high is 26° (79°F), and the only rain forecast is before noon. Tomorrow the forecast is mostly sunny with a high of 31°C (88°F), with Sunday being slightly higher, and with a 50% chance or rain. So as long as I am willing to brave the elements, I can achieve that goal.

    I tried to find a reasonably flight to Dallas over the next few days, but last-minute inexpensive flights are very hard to come by. I miss Leslie terribly, and really wish I could be with her.

    Have a great day folks!

  • And So It Goes

    What the heck? I was getting ready to finish up my class for the day. I was going to be able to call Leslie and speak with her for a few minutes, and then I was going to hit the road. What is that noise? I looked up, and out of my window I saw a deluge that made me look for Noah and his ark.

    I did speak with Leslie for a bit, and then I got ready to go out. As I walked to the front door, I thought to myself how nice it would be to have a really good meal right about now. I don’t mean something that I prepared at home… I was thinking about the kind of comfort food that I learned to luxuriate in as a child. What a great idea!

    The only problem was that I could not decide if I wanted Chinese food or a large plate of breaded, battered, and deep-fried Buffalo wings. Both are wonderful, both would really hit the spot. Both were within a five-kilometre radius. Decisions, decisions. Wait a minute… why not just do both?! I could combine the two!

    It is settled then… I called the Chinese restaurant on Upper Middle near Brant Street and I ordered a large bowl of hot and sour soup, two large egg rolls, and an order of wok-fried chicken dumplings. They would be ready in fifteen minutes for pick-up. I then rang Montana’s on Guelph Line south of Mainway and ordered the large plate of Buffalo wings with the medium sauce. They would take twenty minutes, but that was perfect because by the time I picked up my Chinese food and drove there, I would pull in just in time for my wings to come out. I would be gone and back in less than thirty minutes, and I would be able to sit at my table and pig out like I used to.

    .

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    WAKE UP, MITCH! You were dreaming! Come on, shake the cobwebs and tell us about your walk!?

    Okay, okay. I put on my exercise kit, down to the shoes that I least worry about in the rain. I made sure I had my hat in my satchel, and I added a face cloth, because when it rains it helps to be able to clear off my glasses, as well as wipe the rain from my face.

    I was pushing pretty hard. I did not expect to break any records, which is good because I did not. What I did manage to do was my first split-pace kilometre under 10m00s since last Monday, making this only the second outing that I have been able to accomplish that feat… and while wearing the shoes I consider my slowest and bulkiest pair. I did take a five-minute break after three kilometres, but then I got right back to it, attacking the course with gusto.

    • Distance: 8.5 km (7.03 km)
    • Duration: 1:27:43 (1:12:07)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:19 (10:15)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 9m57s
    • Steps: 10.6k (9k)
    • Calories burned: 1,156 (725)
    • Elevation gain: 34.6m (29m)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 122 (126)

    I should point out that a few days ago I changed my source for the Calories Burned stat. While the MapMyWalk app and the Garmin Connect app report most of the stats nearly identically, the Garmin is detecting calories burned based on my pulse and heart rate, and not just a chart in someone’s book. To show the discrepancy, the MapMyWalk app reported that I burned 494 calories today, while Garmin reported 1,156 calories burned. I tend to trust the one checking my pulse and heart rate, thank you.

    I did have one potentially hazardous encounter along the route. There was a group of teenagers from a Krav Maga school out for a run with what looked like body-shaped weights on their backs. One of the runners miscalculated his cool factor, and instead of missing me by a hair (ha ha! I buzzed the old guy!) he actually bumped into me… and went flying because I saw it happening, anticipated it, and at the moment of impact I threw a defensive arm out, throwing him off balance. He had the good sense to apologize sincerely, and that was the end of the encounter. I am glad I threw him onto the soft grass and not to the concrete, which would have necessarily resulted in my having to stop and explain myself to a supervising adult.

    Okay, it is time for me to hit the shower. I am zonked, I am hungry, and I am dreaming of all of the naughty food that I cannot have, and will have to settle for my evening meal replacement shake after my shower, followed by a cigar on the patio and a video date with my wife. Woohoo!