Yesterday turned into another ‘off the cliff’ day. I have no idea why I went so crazy with fruit and nuts and dumplings and breads… but I did. I will have to make sure I do better today. The numbers on the bathroom scale this morning were a shock… a four-pound jump? That will teach me to go nuts on carbohydrates… especially later in the evening.
Today will be better. I hope. I try.
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
And now, a topic I have not touched on in a while. I had the most productive bowel movement in a long time this morning. While I felt good for it, I also know that it is because I have been overeating – and the wrong foods – these last few weeks. I have to get back on track with my diet. Yes, that will mean smaller and less frequent BMs, but I’ll deal.
Today has already started out bad with regard to eating. I have to get a grip on myself. I think that I am going to have to put myself back onto the crash-program for a couple of weeks to get myself back on track. Some people might say ‘Hey, today’s the 23rd of December… I’ll wait until January 2. I might not go full-crash yet, but I am also not going to let myself go for another nine days. I am going out for dinner with a friend this evening, and then for lunch tomorrow. After that I will take a couple of days to reset my eating. On the 26th I’ll be with my friends and godchildren which I assume means a delicious turkey dinner but will go back to eating properly the following day. The turkey dinner will also come with all manner of yummy side dishes and desserts; fortunately, most will either have dairy or lard which I cannot touch for religious reasons. On New Year’s Eve I’m visiting with Lyle and his brood and will eat then, but that will also be an exception.
I have gained twenty-five pounds since my world fell apart, and I need to get back on track. If I need to go back to the extreme diet program for a few days to get back on track, then that is what I am going to do. I just wish these holidays were not interfering with that. I do not wish to be a hermit… but that is how I lost weight the first couple of times.
My weight dropped below 250 this morning which was a nice relief. I still weigh 11 lbs. more than my best weight ever (which was over a month ago), but at least I dropped back below that horrible mark. Now all I have to do is work to stay there.
My diet buddy and I were speaking this morning and she asked me what I plan to do with regards to eating while my friend is in town. I told her that for the time being my biggest concerns are elsewhere; I am going to try to stay on track, but I suspect that for the two days that he is here that might be difficult… and of course there is the fact that I am in so much pain inside that I am just trying to keep it together. The fact that I have only had a single alcoholic drink these last three weeks is beyond belief.
I feel like a complete failure in so many ways and I just do not want to talk about it. I know that so many of my friends would be there for me if only I would reach out. For the time being I can count on a single hand how many people I have told of what’s going on. For someone who makes a point of always being there for my friends when they need help and support, I seem utterly uncapable of reaching out to them in my time of need. The fact that Jay is flying into town to support me reminds me that for the most part I have chosen my friends well. Through good times and bad…
I am trying to gird myself for one of the more emotionally difficult conversations that I will ever have tomorrow evening. At this point I do not know how it will go or what will come of it; I do not even know how I want it to go. I am only glad that when it is over, I will have a friend here who will help me after it is over.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
Wow did I fail miserably last night. I also paid the price this morning on the bathroom scale. I do not know what it is that makes me think that I can just have one chip…
It was not just a chip. I arrived at the get together as I had planned, having just finished my second meal replacement shake of the day. The popcorn and chips that were sitting out were hardly a temptation to me, and I knew I was going to be fine. I guess I let my guard down.
‘Hey Mitch, I’m preparing half of this steak for Larry… do you want the other half?’ Sure, why not? After all, it’s just protein, right? Well, if I could have the steak, I might as well have the fresh in-season corn on the cob, right? There was pareve margarine on the table, so I could put that on the corn. Oh, then there are blueberries with ice cream and cake with liqueurs for dessert, but if I only have the blueberries that will be fine. I rationalized that by foregoing the potato, and the really bad desserts then would a couple of potato chips really hurt? And a handful of popcorn? I’d be fine. Twenty chips over the next little while, five handfuls of popcorn… I was feeling horrible about what I had done to myself. I texted Leslie and told her, and she reminded me that I can pick myself up and get back on track.
I made matters worse when I stopped for gas as I left, and realizing I was 45 minutes from home (I had neglected to bring a second meal replacement), I decided to buy a bag of chips.
Fall down seven times. Stand up eight. As I said to Leslie, I just wish that it was not factors of seven and eight. I am back on track today and am going to redouble my efforts again. I paid the price for yesterday’s failures when I stepped onto the bathroom scale to discover I had gained back a pound. This cannot happen again.
I hope that I am back on track today. I prepared the exact same omelette for myself today as I have every day for the last week (or two). At 12:30pm, 4:30pm, and 8:30pm I will prepare my meal replacements. I will consume nothing else… save for water, my coffee, and possibly a glass of the lovely iced tea that Leslie gave me… it is sugar free, and I can sweeten it with artificial sweetener if I like. We will see how I am feeling, and what the weather is like.
It is a beautiful day and I plan to spend most of it on the balcony. There will be several cigars, and I will divide the day between reading, watching TV, and doing some studying. What I will not be doing is cheating on my modified program. I am going to do everything I can to make sure that yesterday was a blip on the screen, and not the end of one trend and beginning of another. That slippery slope is one I am all too familiar with, and I hate knowing that I live every day knowing that the edge of that precipice is right there… behind every ‘it’s just one chip’ and so on.
I do have one positive to write now… which I did not have when I sat down to write this entry. This morning started as Day Five on the no bowel-movements trend. Partway through the writing I finally felt the urge, and hard as it was, I was able to ‘go’ successfully. It was not painful, just strenuous. I am not sure if there is any science to this, but I feel like there was just one very solid obstruction in the way, and over the next few days or even hours I will have to go a few more times. We will see. The funny part is that as I took Her Royal Floofness on her walk this morning she had two extremely large poops; I told her that I was jealous and wished I could do the same. I do not think she is a genie who grants me wishes… but three hours later that wish did come true.
I mentioned that Leslie is on the program now, and she has been doing extremely well with it. She did tell me yesterday that she now has a much better appreciation of how hard I have tried, and apologized to me for any time she might have inadvertently made it harder for me. I told her that I was proud of her and appreciated her apology. I told her that it is impossible to understand all of the challenges of the program without having gone through it. She then told later that I did not have to go through the program with her. When I told her how terrible I felt for having cheated she told me that I did not have to do the program just to support her through it. I told her that I want to do the program for me and having her doing it at the same time made it easier for us to support each other.
I did not think of this yesterday, but I remember over the course of my journey there have been a few times when she essentially told me that I seemed to obsess about it and wouldn’t shut up about it. I think she now understands better why I did so. I am so happy that she is talking about it with me openly and frankly. There are so many emotional obstacles in our way, and being able to talk makes it a little easier to get through. I love her and am really happy she is succeeding. Of course, as I have been reminded all too often, the one obstacle that can ruin everything is hiding everywhere so she has to get through one day at a time. I will hold her hand (figuratively while we are separated by distance, literally when we are together) through it all, and will try to help her to succeed.
We also discussed that it will be easier for us to support each other when we are living together full-time. It is easier to make the right choices when you are not alone… and when your partner understands your hardships and weaknesses.
Have a great day folks!
Today is the day I tell my wife that I need her kicking my ass again. I am just under 275 lbs., which means that since my lowest point (May 27) I have gained nearly twenty-five pounds. That has to stop. I have to stop the slide, and I know what I have done wrong. I have been buying snacks and justifying the purchases by saying that they are on sale, that I can open the bag and just have a reasonable portion, that I am not the same addict that I used to be. In a moment of resolve, right after I typed the last sentence, I went into the kitchen and threw out half a bag of Goldfish and most of a bag of mini crisps. I actually made sure to ruin them – I filled the bags with water so I would not be tempted. I have wasted money and I have thrown away too much progress. Today is the day that I get back on track.
Today is going to be another hot day, with the temperatures hovering around 30 degrees until it starts to rain around 5:00pm. That should last through 9:00pm, which is perfect because that is exactly when I need to be teaching. In the meantime, it is nearly 11:00am, it is sunny and hot. I am not going to try to jog today… but I am going for a walk. I am going to pick a new audio book (I finished my last one a couple of days ago and have been catching up on podcasts since then). I will then go for a walk and will do at least 5km but will try for more. It is time for me to get my butt back on track.
When I started speaking with my wife a few minutes ago she asked me very difficult questions. Why am I off track? Stress, anxiety, and such. Why am I stressed? Why am I anxious? I hate thinking about these things… let along sharing them out loud. That does not mean that I do not need to do it. By admitting to them I can start to deal with them. I really appreciate how she is able to support me.
Alright, it is time to pick my book and then heads out. Have a great day folks!
I know I have to get back on track. I just have to redouble my efforts. Today was another rain day – the rain was supposed to be drizzling in the morning and then clearing in the afternoon. It poured most of the afternoon so I did not jog. I ate. I have to stop doing that.
I know I am anxious for Leslie to arrive tomorrow, but I still do not think that what I ate yesterday rose to the level of punishment on the bathroom scale this morning. Getting back on track is hard… but I will do better today. Tomorrow morning, I will be meeting with my diet buddy, and I hope that she and I can discuss some of the places I have gone wrong this past month. I suspect that although I know that I have to kerb my portions, the real issue this past week has been my integration of breakfast cereals into my diet. It seems this was a catastrophic mistake, and one that I am pulling back from effective immediately. I have no problem buying cereal for Leslie to enjoy while she is here, but I will not be joining her in that indulgence. My breakfasts for the next few days will consist of either eggs or meal replacement shakes.
Have a great day folks!
I am not yet back on track… but I will be. I had a good chat with my diet buddy in the morning, after which I sent Leslie a message that I never imagined I would send. She asked me several weeks ago at what point should she step in to bug me about my weight loss program if she noticed I was slipping. I told her yesterday that we were there. In the evening we had a frank chat about my plans to get back on track, and we agreed that by Thursday this week if I am not back on the program 100% then she is going to beat me. Of course, that is a figurative statement – there will be no physical violence. She is going to stay on my case and not relent. I am not looking forward to that, but I had been doing so well and I need for this last month and current crisis to be a hiccough on my way to ultimate success, and not the beginning of a slippery slope.
When Julie (my diet buddy) asked me what I was going to do to get back on track, I told her that my first order of business was to get back to jogging. Almost as soon as she left yesterday I put my running kit on and went for a run. The fact that my Body Battery did not exceed 34/100 yesterday was no matter, and if I was only able to jog 1km and then had to walk the rest of the way then that was what I would do. I honestly believe that my jogging is a huge contributing factor to my weight loss success, not only because of the exercise but also because it motivates me to not cheat on my program. I did not slow down at 1km… in fact, my 5km jog was my fastest yet!
Jogging
I believe yesterday’s was my first 5km jog where every kilometre was under 7m, and I loved it. Of course, with my Body Battery where it was (I did not look at my fitness watch, but I knew I felt drained) I could not keep it up, and so I decided to pull up at 5km and walk the rest of the circuit. My pace for the walk was also quite good (9m34s per kilometre, 6.5km). By the time I got home, I was truly knackered. I showered and then went to Eduardo’s for a cigar. I ate dinner when I came home, and finally got a pretty good night of sleep (I was in bed by 8:30pm and turned off the lights at 10:00pm). It took me a while to fall asleep, but I finally got just under 8 hours of sleep. I woke up refreshed and ready to hit the day… which will be a busy one indeed.
This evening is the first class of my cigar sommelier class. I am really excited to be invited and to be taking part in it. The only issue is that I have to track down all of the cigars and bottles of booze that I will need for the twelve-week program. I created a spreadsheet and have some of the cigars I will need (about half of them), and a few of the bottles. Rather than buying all of the bottles, when I can I am borrowing a bottle from a friend. For example, Eduardo has a bottle of the rum that I need for this evening’s class. Rather than spending the $75 to buy it, I borrowed his bottle and will return it a couple of ounces lighter. Of course, that is not going to be possible for all of them, but where I can, I will buy the smallest (or even airplane-size) bottles. For the rest? I always knew that cigar smoking was not an inexpensive hobby, and I will do what I have to. I only wish the timing were a little better – I spent a small fortune on the wedding last month.
Before the class I have a certification exam that I will sit, followed by lunch. If, following those, I have time for a jog before class then I will do that, but I suspect that will wait until tomorrow, at which point I hope my body will have recovered a little more from the jog.
Have a great day folks!
I started to write yesterday and I got distracted. For the first time in 252 days I did not post.
Getting back on track is not easy. I keep trying to dig my feet into the groove, and I keep slipping. These last few days were terrible, and I do not know how to get back on track. My diet buddy is coming over this morning and I hope that she can help. Nothing else is.
I have been having a very difficult time of it of late. I have glossed over a lot of it, not wanting to share the depths of my despair, but the last few days it has been harder to hide. I walked out of the house yesterday on my way to Eduardo’s, and as I walked out the front door, I thought to myself ‘why bother?’ It is getting harder and harder, and I am getting less and less results and frankly less support, so why do I bother? I don’t care about myself, whether I live or die, so why do I care if I lose weight? Why don’t I just splurge, go out to Montana’s and pick up a huge order of deep fried Buffalo wings? Why don’t I pick up a bag of chips – or three – and watch the World Cup the way I would have ten years ago? Chips, wings, beer or whisky (or at least sodas), and pizza? How great would that be? Okay, maybe that would be excessive… maybe I could just go out for wings though. Fuck it all and damn the torpedoes.
I did not do any of that. I wanted to, believe me. I was depressed enough that I thought about it, but I did not do it. My compromise was to have a piece of bread with a slice of cheese while watching the games. For lunch, I had a bowl of Cheerios… with skim milk. While not on my program, it was certainly not the worst thing I could have done. Even when Eduardo asked if I wanted to go out for lunch between the matches, I said no thank you. Thinking back on the options I would have had to eat in a restaurant, and how low my defenses were, I think we can all agree this was a very smart move.
I am not going to Eduardo’s this morning. Yes, I will go in the afternoon for the second match, but I have things to do this morning. I am also so down that I do not think that I could be strong for a second day in a row, so I plan to stay home until after lunch. I am less likely to splurge out there if I have already eaten a full meal that I prepared at home… a meal, I should add, that is fully in line with my program.
My weight was indeed down this morning, but who cares? The way I am feeling, I sure don’t. I want to give up… not just on weight loss, but on everything. Despite so many opportunities presenting themselves now, I feel like a complete and total failure. I am not employed, but despite having several contracts, as well as opportunities for more contracts on my plate, I hate where I am at. I am reticent to take a job in Canada, knowing that I will be moving to the United States in less than a year. At the same time, until I have my visa for the USA, I am not allowed to take a job there. I am at the whim of those who offer me contracts; thankfully those have sustained me. My problem is that while I am motivated to fulfil those contracts, my motivation to grow beyond where I am has fallen of late. I am trying, but I find it so hard to pull myself up, and when I am not contracted, I am wasting my time. I have to either be learning, or writing, or even working out. How do I get from where I am to where I need to be? That is the Sixty-Four Dollar question.
Will I be able to succeed with that? Will I be able to get back on track with my work, with my life? I don’t know if, and I don’t know how. This morning my ex-wife and I had a meeting with a school that we are considering sending our son to, and I reflected (as I so often have) on my part in his life, and if he might not be better off if I was not around. This question is not limited to him. Maybe the world would be a better place… but until I figure that out, I will make my chicken and salad for lunch, and then I will go to watch the afternoon football match… and I will put on the brave and happy face that most people think is the real me, and I will continue to fool almost everyone. I wish I could fool myself.
This is likely the most negative entry I have written in eleven months of writing about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Most of the time I am upbeat and happy, at least on the outside. When I am not, I try to put that face on anyways. After all, weight loss journals are not supposed to be about wanting to give up and end it all… but here I am. I do not have the energy or the will to lie about it today. If I have one drink today then I will open and finish a bottle, so I will not do that. If I take one pill, then I would do the same thing. If I went to a restaurant, I would not have the ability to order a small plate of anything, and unlike the Chinese food that Leslie and I shared a couple of weeks ago, not only would I not be throwing anything out, there would not even be any leftovers. Knowing all of that, I have put my chicken into the air fryer to make my lunch. After posting this entry as a blog article, I will go prepare my salad. I picked up Charlie (the neighbour dog) to come over to play with Princess Sophie, in the hopes that their playing would cheer me up a little. Here’s hoping.
Have a great day folks. I won’t, but hope you do anyways.
