Losing a part of me

Category: Food

  • Day 509

    I was expecting another decent drop in weight this morning and was pleasantly surprised to see that I am down nearly one pound from yesterday. I cannot expect to drop all of the weight that I gained in a week, but I am making good progress. I ate pretty smartly yesterday, enjoying some of the leftover shawarma (with a salad) for lunch, and then a nice piece of fish for dinner (also with a salad). I determined that it was too windy to sit outside for my cigar class, so I participated without smoking from my desk. By the time the class and then our dinner was over the wind had died down somewhat, so Leslie and I sat on the balcony enjoying a nice cigar. We had some things we needed to talk about, and then we both griped a bit about our work. Leslie and I were brought together by our work, and I really like that even though I am no longer on her team we still can help each other because we understand so much of the same technology… as well as processes. I have memories of relationships past in which my partner could hardly explain what I did, other than ‘he works with computers.’ The fact that we can dig deep in the weeds on technical issues is just one more thing that make Leslie and I perfect together.

    After coming in from walking Her Floofness I said my morning prayers and then made coffee and an omelette. While there are very delicious and tempting rolls to go with it, I stayed true. I also put three pieces of chicken into a marinade, which I will prepare for our lunch. For dinner we bought a package of chicken gyoza from Costco which we are really looking forward to! I know the gyoza are naughty, but if that is my only naughtiness for the day then I might still achieve another drop in weight tomorrow morning.

    These next three days are far too long! I am teaching from 9:30am until 9:00pm Tuesday through Thursday, which makes for a very tight schedule. I feel terrible to schedule it that way while Leslie is in town, but she understands that we both need to work, and as a contract trainer it can be detrimental to my career to turn down certain contracts. Fortunately we know that Friday at the end of the day we are hopping into the car to drive down to Niagara for a romantic weekend together. While Leslie has some meetings next week, it will still be easier for us to spend time together. One day in the not-to-distant future we will be living together full-time, and these long and stressful weeks will not be as hard because our time together will not be so limited.

    I guess I should mention that last week I realized that I could back-date posts to my blog. I know I have missed two days in the last year and a half, but both of those were because I had started and was then distracted or pulled away. In any event, this morning when I click Publish on this article, I will receive a notification that I am on a 510-day streak. It is not nearly as important as my weight loss progress, but it is still nice to have.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 508

    Collecting Leslie from the airport yesterday was sheer bliss. Seeing her again after all this time was absolutely wonderful. Our long periods of separation are always forgotten once we are together, whether that be here in Canada or there in Texas. Billy Joel once wrote a song for a girlfriend (or wife) when he could not afford to buy her a present. It was called ‘You’re My Home,’ and that is exactly how I feel with her.

    It was my expectation that with what we ate yesterday I would not be making positive progress on my weight loss, and the best that I could hope for would be to stay the same. I took her for lunch at a Lebanese restaurant and had the same mixed shawarma plate that I would normally have… although I forgot to ask for no rice or potatoes, and so I did eat some of those. In the afternoon we went to Costco and on a whim, I saw a cauliflower pizza crust kit and asked if I should make that for dinner. We picked it up to give it a try. We also went to Fortino’s to buy a reasonable sized package of shredded cheese (and some other items we did not get from the bulk warehouse store). I prepared the pizza with the sauce that was included, shredded mozzarella as well as shredded cheddar, and (coincidentally) orange cauliflower which we found at the supermarket. It was delicious, and while neither of us are concerned about this factor, it was also gluten free.

    Between my walking Her Floofness (both in the morning and when we got home from shopping) and the walking around the stores my fitness watch registered a surprising 9,250 steps yesterday. I wonder if that might have contributed to my surprising three-pound drop in weight this morning. If so, then woohoo! I suspect though that it might have more to do with the fact that my portions, especially at dinner, were much more reasonable. I have little doubt that had I prepared that pizza for myself I would have eaten all of it. That is the main reason that I will not be doing that. As I discussed with my diet buddy yesterday morning I am still not fully in control of my urges, and I cannot trust myself to just eat. These next couple of weeks will be easier insofar as I feel that I would be embarrassed to gorge myself in front of my wife – or anyone, really. Just like alcoholics drink alone, I trust myself more when I am with her because of that… and because she will remind me when I am about to go too far. This is not her being a pest – I asked her to do this, and she does. I have hope that I might continue to lose weight this week… although not as much as I did in this one day.

    Today is the beginning of a very packed week for me. I am teaching from 9:30am until 6:00pm every day. Were that it, I would consider it a reasonable if full day. This evening I have my cigar sommelier class from 6-8:30, which is not work but it is an obligation. Fortunately it is one that my wife will be glad to sit through with me. Tuesday through Thursday I am teaching from 6:00pm-9:00pm, which means that those are eleven-and-a-half hour days. Those are the jammed ones! I will schedule 2-minute breaks in the morning, afternoon, and evening… as well as a one-hour lunch break. Even if I was alone, I do not think I would have the opportunity to cheat this week! Of course, as a food addict I am sure I would find a way if I lost my mindfulness and willpower. My goal is to not lose those… and if I falter one day, then to pick myself up and get back on track the next day… or even the next meal. I will stumble along the way; the quicker I am able to recover from that the better my chances of long-term success.

    It is raining out this morning and so Her Royal Floofness did not want to go outside. We stepped out quickly and she peed, but then she came right back inside. She then decided that she wanted to try the back of the building, because maybe it was not raining there. Unfortunately her optimism was not well placed, and she ran right to the covered patio of one of our neighbours (Walter’s mom). She sat there watching the rain and was not going to move from that spot. I was almost ready to pick her up and carry her around the building when the neighbour offered to let us sneak through her apartment. Fortunately the rain is forecast to stop around 4:00pm, and I’ll be able to take her out for a really good walk after the cigar class.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 506

    I know I am anxious for Leslie to arrive tomorrow, but I still do not think that what I ate yesterday rose to the level of punishment on the bathroom scale this morning. Getting back on track is hard… but I will do better today. Tomorrow morning, I will be meeting with my diet buddy, and I hope that she and I can discuss some of the places I have gone wrong this past month. I suspect that although I know that I have to kerb my portions, the real issue this past week has been my integration of breakfast cereals into my diet. It seems this was a catastrophic mistake, and one that I am pulling back from effective immediately. I have no problem buying cereal for Leslie to enjoy while she is here, but I will not be joining her in that indulgence. My breakfasts for the next few days will consist of either eggs or meal replacement shakes.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 502

    I have to get back on track, but I am glad that my slip has not been as bad this time as it was a few weeks ago. I am still under 260 lbs. which is not ideal, but it is still better than when I ballooned to 267 when I came back from Dallas.

    Last night I was hungry, so I had a shake, but I was still not satisfied. I decided to make an omelette which did satisfy my hunger without cheating too badly. With that said, I ate too late last night, and I paid the price. It might have been worse… when I stepped onto the bathroom scale before bed the number was truly frightening, and I was sure that this morning I would see a huge jump. Fortunately, despite not being successful with my bowels this morning, my weight was higher… but not nearly as high as last night’s number hinted at.

    This weekend I have to get back on track with my running. I have not been jogging these last few weeks, owing partly to my schedule but also something else. After a couple of weeks without doing it I am now afraid that starting again I will fail. I have to get past that, and I will. If I am not able to get out sooner, then I plan to lace up Saturday morning for a good outing. There is a possibility I will be able to go between classes Thursday, or even after class on Friday. I know how important it is, so I am going to try for at least one if not both of those. I do not have to break any records, I just need to get active again. Even if I only jog a couple of kilometres and then walk to finish a five kilometre circuit then I will consider it a success. Anything more will just be gravy.

    After class today a friend is bringing his computer over for help, and then we will likely smoke a cigar. I am teaching in the evening, so he will have to be out by 5:15pm or so, but it will be nice to spend a couple of hours with him. It will be nicer if the issues with his computer are not serious and only take a few minutes to resolve. More often than not that is what will happen. We will see.

    My goal for today is to not cheat! I have been going overboard these last few days and I have to stop doing that. I did not make an omelette this morning – that was not because I did not want one or because I had one last night, but I was a bit lazy this morning and then Princess Sophie wanted to spend more time socializing on her walk than usual. I will make my usual midday meal which I will eat before my friend comes over. I am going to set a reminder to prepare a meal replacement shake during the break in my evening class. If I can stick to that then I should be able to stop the slide that I have been on these last few days.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 499

    It is rare that I sit down to write my daily journal entry at 8:30pm, but here we are. I just got very busy, but I did not want to miss the day.

    At the end of Her Floofness’ walk this morning we met up with Charlie and his mom, and they went to their place for a play date. I had a few things that I needed to get done before my 11:00am appointment at the Apple Store (Yes, my second such appointment in the past few weeks). They replaced my iPad under warranty (yay), which means I have to restore everything from backup. They really do make that very simple. I then had a lovely cigar date with my wife before Eduardo came for a visit. I made dinner, had a long chat with my rabbi, and then organized a few things around the house. I prepared a few invoices for last week and for next week so that I do not fall behind.

    Yesterday afternoon I had a bit of a bowel movement. It was painful to say the least. I knew that what I excreted was not nearly everything that was accumulated, but I was simply not able to do anymore. That means that today was really my sixth day of being blocked up. When I felt the urge a few minutes ago I decided that I was going to fight the pain. It was not as painful as yesterday, and it was certainly more productive. I do not know that my bowels are now empty, but I certainly do feel somewhat emptier. What a relief!

    I ate more than I should have today. I think I was trying to fill myself to the point where I would not have any choice but to poop. I will do better tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong, I did not completely pig out… but I have to do better.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 497

    It was going to happen eventually if I kept playing fast and loose with what I eat. Yesterday I realized I only had half of my usual portion of chicken, which I ate for lunch. I then went shopping and picked up chicken, as well as a few other items. I decided to supplement my smaller-than-normal meal with… another meal. I also had decided to splurge when I saw a fruit and yogurt treat at the supermarket, which was yet another stupid decision. The result is I lost four days worth of progress in a gluttonous afternoon. That will not happen today. My plans for today are simple: I had an omelette for breakfast, and I will have my regular meal for a late lunch… and that is it. If I do get hungry then I will supplement that with meal replacement shake in the evening, but I hope I do not have to do even that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 496

    I stuck to the plan yesterday, except that I accidentally made too much rice with my chicken. I have to remember to measure it out, and for some reason I was not paying attention and I just free poured. It could have been worse… I was probably a quarter of a cup too heavy on my pour.

    I was once again worried as I got into bed last night. Before I lay down, I stepped onto the bathroom scale. Of course the evening reading is discarded, but it usually gives me a good indication of what my weight will be in the morning. I can usually expect a drop of two pounds from 11pm to 7am. When I saw that my weight last night was a full 3.6 lbs. heavier than it had been in the morning, I got concerned that I would be gaining weight today. I might have to rethink my plans if that was the case… even if I did eat too much rice. It turns out that I worried needlessly. This morning I actually dropped .2 lb. from yesterday morning. I suspect the reintroduction of starch into my diet is having an effect on things, and the fluctuations over the course of the day are going to be less predictable. As long as I continue to lose weight from morning to morning then I am less concerned with that than I might have been.

    I am trying to remember if today is the second or third straight day that I have not had a successful bowel movement. While not yet worrying, this is certainly surprising as I have reintroduced a proper meal (and some days two) into my diet. I will have to pay attention to this over the next few days to see when I finally do, and if that becomes regular. I suspect that my next attempt might be painful, and in anticipation of that I decided to take a teaspoon of fibre powder this morning. I do not want to get so backed up that it gets uncomfortable and scary.

    My plans for the day are to do exactly what I have been doing these last few days. I will have lunch after my class, and that will be my only meal of the day. I will probably go shopping in the afternoon because I will be out of chicken, and also need some vegetables. I will not be tempted to cheat, and the best way to make sure I stay on track is to ensure that I have the proper stocks to prepare my meals in a timely fashion. I will not be straying from my path. I also need to return a couple of packages to Amazon, which I will try to do this afternoon as well.

    Today is Her Royal Floofness, Princess Sophie’s birthday! I took her for a very nice walk this morning, and she got to see some of her friends. We have treats that are usually reserved for the Sabbath, but she got one of those (and an extra cookie) this morning. She deserves to celebrate. Over the next few weeks there will be a few occasions that she and I will mark, including the day we met, the day I picked her up from her foster family, and the day I finalized her adoption. She has been my faithful friend these last four years, and I do not begrudge her the extra treats to celebrate. She will be getting a few of those this month.

    I am still reeling over a negative evaluation I got from a student from a course a couple of weeks ago. I finally read the full review this morning. It is clear to me that this student felt I was the worst instructor she has ever experienced… and was saying that the rest of the students felt the same way. On the one hand, I know that I am pretty good at what I do. On the other hand, a single really negative evaluation can cause a company to not hire me again. I am hoping that is not the case here, but I am going to make sure as I go forward that I do what I can to improve on some of the criticism she gave. On the other hand, she said that I said something that I know that I would never say to a class. I have no idea what she heard that makes her think that I said it, or if she heard it from another instructor and projected it onto me. Either way, it might be damaging, and I am hoping that it is a one-off and that the organization does not hold it against me. I am still certain they will keep an eye on me though… sort of like probation. It is a stress that I wish I did not have to worry about.

    In any event, it is time for me to get back to my day. I will stay focused and will not let any of this drag me off course. I need to succeed, and I will succeed.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 493

    I was bad yesterday, and I paid the price for it this morning. My weight jumped by .6 lb., which made me think about something that I don’t think I had considered for a long time. I have always said that one of the main goals of my extreme weight loss program is to change my unhealthy relationship with food. This morning I had the opportunity to think about some real changes that have happened. I had some snacks yesterday, and I should not have… but I stopped at a single portion of each of those snacks, even though the entire bag or container was available to me. I did not stop because I was ashamed that others would see my gluttonous appetite, I stopped because I knew that I was eating something that is fattening and I wanted to enjoy the taste, but I did not need to overdo it. The second change is that I gained .6 lb. from my cheat, where in the past (when my body was much larger and so were my cheats) I would often gain 3-4 lbs. overnight. I think going forward I will be able to live a life of moderation. That will mean the occasional moderate gain, to be followed on by a moderate loss.

    I should mention, as an asterisk to my weight gain, that I did not move my bowels this morning, and that had I done so my weight likely would have not gone up… although it is unlikely that it would have dropped either.

    I have come to a decision about my meal program. Yesterday morning I weighed in at 250. I have been plugging away at the program for almost a year and a half. I have realized tremendous weight loss and a body transformation that is nothing short of spectacular. I have thought about ‘what’s next’ often and have written about those thoughts in these pages. These next few paragraphs are my current thinking.

    If I were to walk into a bariatric clinic today without any underlying medical conditions, they would not accept me as a patient. They would tell me to eat less (and healthier), they would tell me to exercise more. They might run a battery of tests to make sure that I was not pre-diabetic or that I did not have a thyroid condition, but they would send me home and tell me to lose twenty pounds and then see my family doctor on a regular basis. Even six months ago when I was hovering around the 300 lbs. mark I could not have said that, but that is my new reality. I am absolutely overweight… but I am not in any extreme medical danger from it.

    In addition to that, I know that when I tried to jog last week (while I was on the full-fast program) I was not able to jog as much as I had, and I found myself completely drained the rest of the day – to the point of being unable to function and stay awake. Both of the clinics where I have gone through the program before told me that the full-fast program was not compatible with heavy exercise, and that I would get to a point where I would have to pace myself. I suspect that ketosis is good when your fat stores are plentiful, and your body can burn that for energy. When your body fat is not so high your body can find itself starving for energy, thus the exhaustion. If I had a job where I could take a nap for an hour to recuperate it might be different, but as a teacher I need to be on (and on camera) for the duration of my class. Knowing I have days when I start teaching at 8:30am and end at 9:30pm, I cannot take the chance of falling asleep (or even displaying listlessness).

    With all of that said, knowing that the full-fast program is not a lifetime solution, only an extreme weight loss program, and knowing that such a transition would have to happen at some point anyways, I have decided that now is the time for me to start the transition back onto eating food. This will be a gradual process that I will ease into over the next couple of months. I will start with a single healthy midday meal, while still having the meal replacement shakes for breakfast and for my evening nutrition. I will, over time, ween myself off the meal replacements, until I am eating three healthy meals per day.

    I was going to begin this paragraph with ‘the most important…’ but in reality, there is no single most important factor, rather there are many that I will have to remember. I will have to stay mindful; I will have to watch my weight, and if I see the numbers go up over a day or two then I will have to take the next few days to reverse that trend. I will indeed start ‘counting calories’ which will include weighing my foods and using an app to keep track of what I eat. I will have to make sure I am exercising on a regular basis, whether that is jogging or walking or Taekwondo or whatever else it might be. There are so many things that I am going to have to make sure I never stop doing so that I can continue to lose weight and stay healthy.

    —

    It is a beautiful day out today. My diet buddy came over for coffee this morning. After she left, I had a lovely date with my wife over video chat. Both of these were on the balcony because it is too lovely to stay inside today. My son asked if I would take him for dinner this evening, and I am thrilled to… even though he wants to go for pizza. I checked with his mother, and the place we are going does serve salads, so I do not have to be too bad. Nonetheless, I made sure to eat my midday meal so that I will not be hungry, and therefore tempted to veer from my newly-modified program. I am just thrilled that he reached out to me – that has not happened in a very long time.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 476

    I walked into the doctor’s office yesterday knowing that I have gained weight. I was hoping that I would not have gained too much, and when I saw that I was 3.3kg heavier than I was a month ago I started making excuses to myself. 3.3kg (about 7.3 lbs.) is a lot of weight, but I usually get weighed in the morning… things like that. Well, last night I lay in bed thinking about it, and realized that give or take a pound, the numbers on my bathroom scale matched up with that… in the morning. What I should have been coming to terms with was not the discrepancies, but the trend, the stresses, and getting back to my normal life, normal routine, and losing the weight once again.

    With all that, I did not expect the numbers on the scale to be down significantly again today. After all, I ate (more than I should have), I snacked a bit, and I did not exercise. I also did not have a successful bowel movement (I have only had one in the past four days). When I stepped onto the bathroom scale (yes, it is still in my bedroom) I was fully expecting to be slightly up… not three pounds down. Yes, you read that right. I was truly surprised, and not unpleasantly so.

    I realize these last few weeks I have not been nearly so verbose as I usually am. I am sure that some of my readers will appreciate that. With that said, I am still writing every day. When I pressed the publish button on my article yesterday I received a notification that I am now on a 250-day streak. There have been a few days in there these last couple of weeks – especially around the wedding day – when I only posted a sentence or two, but that is enough for the WordPress platform. I hope that as I get back on track that I will be able to start sharing positive feelings and experiences again.

    As I sit at my desk preparing to welcome my students, I have already planned my meal (which I will prepare and enjoy right after class, which should have my meal done by 2:15pm). I thought for a minute about going to the store to pick up more chicken and lettuce. Instead I will open a can to make a salmon salad with onions and non-fat mayonnaise, and I will likely make a cucumber salad with the rest of that vegetable (and the rest of my onion). By not going to the store I avoid the temptations of buying… well, just about anything that could pull me in the wrong direction.

    I might go to Taekwondo this evening, depending on how I am feeling. On the one hand, the activity always makes me feel great. On the other, I have to be the senior belt in the room unless Master Sasha is in… and even if he is, I am still at least fifteen years older than he is, so seen as a senior… despite trying to not teach or guide the kids, sometimes it is hard to not do so. The last couple of days I have not felt up to that at all, and I might just stay on the balcony to have a blessed virtual date night with my wife.

    I am not going back on the full program today, but if I can contain my eating to what I said before – the canned salmon and the cucumber salad – then I should be able to get by without gaining tomorrow morning.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 472

    It is Sunday morning. I am packed, I have a cup of coffee and I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Leslie is across the table from me enjoying her breakfast, and her son is on the floor watching his tablet. In less than an hour we will pack into the car for the dreaded trip to the airport. The countdown until she comes to Canada is thirty-one very long and lonely days. I hate leaving here. I hate packing my suitcase here. I hate getting out of the car at DFW knowing that I will walk into the terminal while Leslie drives home.

    Yesterday I cheated (as I knew I would), and I paid the price for it, but not terribly. We took the boy to our favourite sushi restaurant (which we would normally have done together on my first night here, but that won’t be happening anymore). The boy and I went shopping for his mom’s birthday present, after which we went to an amazing Japanese ice cream and taiyaki shop, where I indulged in a soft serve ice cream with a pastry fish stuffed with red bean paste. Assuming everything else I ate yesterday was perfect (it was not), I was going to gain weight based solely on that. For dinner we had tamales that Leslie’s grandmother in Guatemala made (and that Leslie smuggled back into the US) with a Mexican rice dish. Everything was delicious. Despite not having dessert or drinks after dinner, My weight this morning was up 1.8 lbs., which means my grand total for the trip (since the morning I left Canada) is a loss of 1.2 lbs. While I always cheat on travel days, tomorrow I will be back on track, and hopefully by the time I go to see the doctor Wednesday afternoon I will be no more than 1-2 lbs. up from where I was my last visit. I am nearly six pounds heavier today than I was when I last weighed in nearly a month ago. Yes, there has been a lot of mitigating stress; I still know that I need to get back on track. My goal is to now lose at least fifteen pounds between now and Leslie’s visit, which is ambitious but doable. That would take me under the 250 lbs. milestone which I have no recollection of being since the Army.

    The thunderstorms last night were gorgeous and calming. Leslie and I sat on the balcony as I smoked and we had a great conversation. I am going to miss being able to do that this next month. We’ll be back in the Rectangle Zone this evening, which really sucks. In the meantime I will be back on track, and I will focus on teaching… and next week on the course that I am starting to take Monday nights.

    Have a great day folks!