Losing a part of me

Category: Medicine

  • Day 934

    I am not sure if my adrenaline high from yesterday has quite abated yet. What a day.

    As I wrote yesterday, I was awake at 4:15am yesterday, after getting less than three hours of real sleep. Why? Well, I was awake at that ungodly hour to pick my buddy up from the airport. Why did I sleep poorly? Mostly from the excitement and anticipation of what Saturday held. Jay had flown into town for one day to support me as I was raised to the rank of Master Mason. The ceremony was built up to me as one that I will remember for the rest of my life. There was a lot of preparation involved, and it would all culminate with the rites at the Lodge meeting. Everything involved lived up to (or exceeded) all expectations, and I was riding high until I forced myself to go to bed around 10:00pm… knowing that this morning would be another very early morning.

    My alarm sounded at 4:00am so that I could get up and get Jay to the airport in time for his very early flight. While he kept telling me he felt guilty for making me get up so early, I assured him that I could come home and go back to sleep. That has not happened so far, but Jay did get to the airport on time; I came home and took Her Royal Floofness for a very early walk; occasionally in the winter months we go out and come back in the dark, but I cannot remember the last time that happened in the summer… I suspect it would have been when we were living in California, and I had to teach an early class in another time zone. In any event, we had a good turn of it, and then came home to enjoy our breakfast.

    It is little surprise that my weight was a bit up this morning. I was pretty moderate in my eating yesterday, but there were some small cheats that were excessive, if not in the quality consumed then in the density of the fat and sugar. Yes, I had a butter tart, a desert treat for which Canada is known (and which were purchased to share with the numerous foreigners who attended my ceremony). This, after a breakfast of French toast, sandwiches for lunch, and sushi for dinner. Not a good choice in the lot… but it was a special day.

    There is nothing special about today, and I will go back to eating much smarter than I did these last two days. I had my regular omelette for breakfast. I will enjoy the sushi leftovers for lunch, but my evening will be a piece of chicken and a salad. That’s it.

    I am glad that my doctor renewed my prescriptions on Friday, but I did not manage my meds properly yesterday. Despite leaving the house before 5:00am and knowing that I would not be returning home until late afternoon or early evening, I should have brought a dose of the anti-inflammatories with me. I did not, and by 1:30pm I was in discomfort and then pain. I was quite relieved to arrive home and take the meds after 6:30pm. I have no idea why I broke my routine this morning, but I did not take any of my meds before leaving for the airport. Of course, I was home by 5:30am, and still took my pills earlier than I would normally. It is now 8:30am and I am feeling much more comfortable than I did three hours ago.

    It is a lovely day, but we can see that the summer is ebbing. I do not mind too much… it will still be a comfortable warm and sunny day, even though I did need a sweater for Floof’s walk. I am sure I will have plenty of time to enjoy the balcony in my regular shorts and golf shirt.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 931

    I increased my meds again yesterday. The upside is that I do not seem to be in as much pain, and I am seeing improvements in my knee. The downside is the constipation. Owing to that, my weight peeked back above that dreaded and disgusting number again this morning. Grr.

    I am teaching a class today that I have been stressing over these last few days. I am not looking forward to it. I am, however, looking forward to the end of the day.

  • Day 929

    My knee is feeling somewhat better this morning, which is to say that I was able to get a decent night’s sleep, and I did not need ten minutes to get out of bed. The downside is that my weight has ballooned, and that sucks. I hit a number this morning that I never wanted to see again. It better be only for a single day.

  • Day 927

    I did slightly better yesterday than I had the previous couple of days, and while I did not lose weight this morning, I also did not gain weight. I will try to do even better today. It might be a bit difficult, as I am taking my son for his favourite lunch today… or at least I assume that is where he will ask to go. I have proven before that I can get through that meal without doing too badly, but I suspect that today I will refrain from eating anything and will prepare a meal when I get home. I make no promises about that, but I will try.

    MY knee felt better during the day yesterday, and I hoped that I would sleep well for it. What I did not account for was that I had eaten early, which meant that I took my last anti-inflammatory meds around 6:15pm. I slept like a log until I woke up at 3:00am to pee… and my knee was in agony again. I decided to take one pill at 3:45am because I had not been able to get back to sleep. I also rubbed some Voltaren into it. Those helped a little… but not much. I am really hoping that after a few days on the meds I will be better, but I will still be speaking with my doctor about it on Friday; if it is a question of upping my gout meds then let’s do that; if it is not, then we need to explore further what the issue is and find a solution.

    Okay, I am off to pick up my son. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 926

    I broke two of my own rules this morning. The first: I ate a handful of peanuts before taking Princess Sophie out for her walk. The new anti-inflammatory meds that I am on need to be taken with food because they can cause stomach problems. I had already weighed myself (and was disgusted by the two-pound gain from yesterday), so I decided the benefits outweighed the importance of the rule. The second: I weighed myself again after the walk, despite the peanuts. I had another very good bowel movement after the walk, and I decided that if there might be a little improvement over the disgusting first weight then I would take it. In fact, I had dropped a full pound from the earlier weigh-in, so while I am still up from yesterday, it is not as bad as I feared. It is still disgusting.

    I stuck to the plan yesterday, except for a roll in the evening. Why did I eat a roll at 9:15pm, you may ask? Remember those anti-inflammatory meds I mentioned a minute ago? My stomach was bothering me. It would be difficult to explain just how much pain my knee was in these last three days, and so the meds were necessary. The doctor warned me that there might be more than slight stomach discomfort if I did not take the meds with food. I was not going to risk it. This afternoon I will stop into the supermarket to pick up some celery to eat if I need food late in the evening.

    I took a break from writing and now I am back at the computer, but only to close it up and post it. I’m heading up to Georgetown to see some friends for a couple of hours.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 925

    I was able to follow my plan yesterday, so when I hopped onto the bathroom scale this morning, I was relieved that my weight dropped to almost Wednesday’s number. I am still above the horrible 295 lbs. mark, but closer to it today than to 300 lbs. (which I was closer to yesterday).

    My knee has been in absolute agony since Wednesday. As there was no obvious reason for it, I suspected it was a gout attack. I have suffered from gout (as did my father before me) for years, and it is truly painful. I did not write about it these last couple of days because my mind was elsewhere, but there was nothing I could do to relieve the pain. I decided yesterday, after speaking with a buddy who suffers from the same affliction (and is on the same meds as I am) that I would see a doctor about it today. I took the opportunity to get my bloodwork done so that it would be done before my yearly checkup next week. The doctor told me that it might be gout, but if I am on the preventive meds as I am then it could either be that (which means I would need to adjust my dosage), or it could be another inflammation (such as arthritis). Either way, the same anti-inflammatory would alleviate the pain, and my bloodwork would determine if it was gout or something else. I am hopeful that by the end of the day (and after a couple of doses of the new meds) that the pain will subside. It has not only prevented me from being able to walk too far, but it also keeps me awake at night.

    Because I was going to the clinic, I did not eat breakfast until I was home. I ate late, which means I will eat my lunch late as well. In the evening I will, once again, only have a meal replacement. I am hopeful that I can drop to below 290 lbs. in the next week so that I can be below that number for my Lodge meeting next Saturday. I am hopeful!

    I want to shout out quickly to the friends and readers who have reached out to me these last few days to see if I am okay. I have been going through a lot of challenges, but I will persevere. Yes, they have caused me to put my weight loss onto the back burner. Yes, they have at times, been overwhelming. No, I do not plan to go back onto the antidepressants that I stopped taking in June. I believe strongly in psychology and those meds are hugely important for helping mental illness. I do not think that my situation is chemical, rather situational. I have to be stronger, and the meds will not change the way the world is. If I am not willing to turn to whisky to make things better, I do not feel that I should be turning to meds either. I want to be clear that this is a personal decision that is best for me and is not advice I would give to anyone else. If you are feeling overwhelmed, then you should speak to your doctor for the proper advice. Do not be ashamed if you need meds.

    I have some work to do, so I am going to close here and go make lunch so that I will then be able to continue my day.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 910

    I did yesterday what I should be doing every day. I had breakfast and lunch, and then for my dinner I had a meal replacement shake. It may have taken me four hours to fall asleep after getting into bed exhausted, but at no point did I feel hungry. That is a huge victory! It is a much smaller victory that the bathroom scale reflected a drop of 3.2 lbs. from yesterday morning, dropping me below 290 once more. I will not consider any numeric losses to be huge victories until they are in the 250s or lower… and until they stay there.

    As I wrote yesterday, I was off kilter with my meds. I did not take them on Tuesday, and I was not able to pick up my refilled prescription from the pharmacy until later in the day yesterday; rather than wait, I took one of the remaining lower-dose pills that I still had. I think it did me okay, but I was still a bit out of sorts after 9:30pm. This morning, I took my full dosage and am hoping for great things. We’ll see.

    If I can follow the same food intake today as yesterday, then I think I will do okay. That is the plan folks.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 909

    I spent the entire yesterday walking around like a zombie. I could not for the life of me figure out why I was so exhausted! I took three naps during the day – unheard of for me… unless I was sick. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, I must have been sick, right?! 

    No, I was not sick… I was stupid… and if it was not for Microsoft and WordPress telling me that it was bad grammar, I would capitalize the first letter of that word. 

    I had run out of one of my medications. Okay, I called the pharmacy and asked them to refill it, which would not be a problem. In the meantime, I did not take the meds in the morning. I was not only exhausted throughout the day, but as the witching hour approached, and as I waited for my laundry (read: my bedding) to dry, the fatigue hit me hard. Had I realized that I had not taken my medications, I would not have been so worried… but there were a few minutes when I wondered if I was truly sick. It was only once I got into bed and checked the messages on my phone that I realized that yes, the pharmacy had messaged me that my prescription refill was ready to be picked up… but the message had been lost in the shuffle. That made the lightbulb go off, and I realized why I was feeling so bad. 

    For the second day in a row, my weight is back above 290 lbs., and I am not pleased about that. With that said, I did not eat anything bad today, and I am hoping to see some weight loss tomorrow morning. 

    Lesson learned: Do not mess with the meds! 

  • Day 883

    It was late in the morning yesterday that I first realized that I not only had frequent diarrhea, but I was also experiencing bouts of stomach pains that were more than just a bit uncomfortable. These would increase and decrease throughout the day, but at no point yesterday was I just feeling fine. In fact, I did something yesterday that I have never done before. I have been using the meal replacement shakes on and off since the end of March 2017. In those seven years I have never discarded half a shake because I just could not stomach it. I was in bed by 6:30, and while I did not really sleep until 2:00am, I did my best to stay put.

    I felt bad that I had not taken Princess Sophie out for a second walk yesterday, so when she asked me to at 1:00am I got dressed and took her outside. This was not going to be a long walk because I did not have the energy, but it is not fair to make her pay for my illness. As we walked out of the building, we saw about thirty feet to our left a skunk, so we paid special attention to give her a lot of space. If I hardly had the energy to walk her, I doubt I would have had the strength to de-skunk her. From a distance, skunks are actually very cute animals. I will always make a point to observe them only from a good distance.

    I wrote yesterday that these digestive tract issues were related to my taking too much fibre the previous days. I no longer believe that, and I have Leslie to thank for helping me to realize it. She suggested that it might be due to illness (such as norovirus), or withdrawal. Last week I stopped taking my antidepressants. Among the possible symptoms of withdrawal from Escitalopram are chills (had those), Digestive issues (incl. nausea, cramps, diarrhea, and appetite loss – yep), and sleep problems (definitely). Before you say, ‘but you stopped taking the pills over a week ago!’ I would also point to one article which reads: ‘…withdrawal symptoms typically begin one to three days after the last dose. Although, rarely they can start sooner (within hours) or later (more than a week).’

    Knowing that these issues are not because of something I ate, and that despite not eating any solid food in two days I am still having terrible diarrhea, there were several times during the day yesterday (and into the night) that I thought to myself that by not eating solid food, I was making things harder on my bowels. It would have been easy to say ‘I need to eat for a day or two or three to have something in my system so that my system can expel something’ but so far, I have not. I did replace my evening meal replacement shake with a protein bar (which I ate much later than I should have), so I guess there is at least something solid in my system to expel.

    I also suspected yesterday that despite all of the water I was drinking, I might be getting dehydrated (which is not uncommon with diarrhea). As such, I ran to the supermarket and picked up a couple of six-packs of Gatorade Zero. I was happy that they had my favourite flavour (grape). I had three of them before the night was over, and I had another one this morning. I may have been imagining it, but I might have seen a slight purple coloration in the toilet before I flushed… or that could have been my mind playing tricks on me (in turn, a common symptom of severe dehydration).

    I admit that we the extreme pooping I did yesterday, I was slightly disappointed to see a drop in my weight of only 1.4 lbs. from yesterday. Given what I endured, I thought it might have been more extreme, but alas it was not. I still was able to, for the third time in as many days, cross off another number on the chart on my fridge. I restarted the program on May 22, when I was 53.2 lbs. higher than my best weight ever. There have been several stops in the last month but despite all of them I have lost 20.2 lbs. in that time, and I am extremely happy with that. I am now 33 lbs. from my best weight ever, and I will get back there by the fall.

    According to my fitness watch, my sleep score was an abysmal 33. Despite being in bed from 6:30pm until 7:30am, it measured less than five hours of actual sleep (and even that I feel is optimistic). My body battery recharged to a laughable 13. Needless to say I am going to take today very easy, although I will absolutely be taking her Floofness out for another walk so that I do not have to do so in the middle of the night.

    I woke up this morning thinking that I was feeling much better than yesterday… despite another very loose experience on the toilet, my head seemed clearer, and I was not chilled. By the time Princess Sophie and I were on the last leg of our morning walk, all of those symptoms were back… albeit not (yet) as severe as they were yesterday. I am hoping that I am getting better, and that these issues will be behind me by the time I have to teach this evening.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 877

    I realized early in the afternoon yesterday that I was extremely edgy. I was sitting with a close friend and within the first three minutes I wanted to lash out. I did not, instead explaining to him that I thought I was feeling the withdrawal symptoms from cutting off my antidepressants. I made the decision later in the afternoon that it was probably a bad idea to be at the beginning of my food-free program and going through that. I will resume the program tomorrow, but I need to get my head right. I am going to stay close to home today, only going out to walk Her Floofness.

    My weight was up significantly this morning, but keeping my head straight is the immediate priority.