Losing a part of me

Category: Medicine

  • Day 875

    I did not fall asleep until very late last night, although that was my fault. I lost track of time as I was listening to the last chapters of the book on tape that I have been listening to. Yes, I realize that audiobooks have not been on tapes in years, but that is still what I call them. By the time I was sawing lumber it was probably 2:00am. Were it not for Her Royal Floofness, I might have been able to sleep in… but responsible pet parents know that is not an option. My fitness watch reads just under 4.5 hours of sleep, although that is not usually accurate. I would estimate that I got closer to five hours of sleep before the gorgeous girl told me that it was time for me to get out of bed.

    It is a lovely day out, even though the forecast is for high winds later in the day. We walked a little farther than usual because she wanted to go another route, but when she started walking into the street (carefully after looking both ways) without my permission, I decided it was time for her to walk me on the leash. I do not mind her cheekiness when I am not in a rush (as I was not this morning), but when it comes to safety, all bets are off.

    I did not exercise yesterday. I also did not waste my day away. I rearranged the furniture in my apartment, and after nearly three years living here, I am absolutely thrilled by what I accomplished. I spent five hours on the task, which considering the size of the apartment (and the fac that I was really just rearranging a single room) sounds ridiculous… even to me. With that said, I truly feel that the end result is worth it. Long-time readers of my blog may remember that when I started out, I had sorted all of my clothes that did not fit into large plastic containers (by size). While a couple of the containers are still in use (for other things mostly), I found two of them and filled them with books that are now in my storage locker downstairs. While I did keep some of them upstairs (mostly my cigar library and books on Israel), the vast majority of the clutter has been put away. I love having them, but I also love having a cleaner and less cluttered space. While I do not consider that exercise, I did get 8500 steps in yesterday… not bad for an off day!

    While I was not 100% true to my program (I went and bought some almonds), I still lost nearly 1.5 lbs. this morning. I am now 3.6 lbs. away from where I was at my best weight of this go-around… and 4.2 lbs. from crossing off another number on the chart on my fridge. You remember that chart? The one that is counting down my weight loss until I shave my beard! No, I have not forgotten about that.

    Part way through writing this article I felt the urge, and for the second time today I moved my bowels. I suspect had this come out earlier then my weight might have been down a few more ounces. I suspect that adding more fiber into my shakes these last few days was a good idea… especially since I was a little backed up the previous week. I will continue to add a couple of teaspoons per day, although I will not be adding them to every shake going forward.

    On the subject of regulating my body: You may recall that Monday I met with my doctor to discuss (among other things) my medications. I started taking an antidepressant at the beginning of the year because I had been having trouble sleeping, and she believed it might have been because I was depressed. A couple of months ago, she recommended that I up the dosage, but I never did. Now that things are going better (read: Leslie and I are reconciled) I do not feel that I need them, so I spoke to her about cutting them out. She recommended I wean myself off over a period of two weeks, but being the stubborn hard head that I am, I just stopped. Today is my third morning without them and I am not feeling any ill effects, but I am not flushing them down the pishadoo just yet. If by the end of the month I am doing well then they are gone. She also increased my dosage of another med, and after discussing it with Leslie I decided that I will start the increased dosage on Saturday, so that I have a couple of days to adjust before I have to teach again. She’s a sage woman, my wife!

    I am going for a haircut shortly but will spend the afternoon working on a project that I have been neglecting for work. I am excited to dig into it, and more excited that I have finally made my workspace much more comfortable and organized so that I should be able to focus.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 744

    Yesterday was another bad day… but at least my overeating was in the afternoon, and I was done by 5:30pm; the previous day it had been in the evening and is why I gained so much weight. I dropped a very small amount this morning but down is always better than up.

    One of the cigar groups that I am a member of is having an event this evening so I will drive up there for a few hours. I still need to occupy my mind which has been racing off the charts the last week. I might need to ask my doctor to increase the dosage on one of my medications. We will see. In the meantime, I did not sleep enough last night… but according to my fitness watch I did sleep deeply. If only I could fall asleep and stay asleep.

    Today is another day, another struggle. Hopefully I’ll get through it mostly unscathed with regard to my eating.

  • Day 714

    It felt good to see my weight drop a couple of pounds after the last few days of ‘up, up, and stay same.’ If I can repeat everything that I did yesterday, then I should be able to shed a few more pounds this week. It was just a few days ago that I wrote that I hoped to get back to the weight I was when I came back from Dallas in November for my upcoming trip. That is no longer realistic, as I am 20 lbs. up from when I got home, and I am flying out in nine days. I have to stay on track, keep exercising, and stop cheating. That is what I did yesterday; I will try to do that again today.

    Last night I took a sleeping pill for the first time. I told my doctor that I had been having a lot of trouble sleeping and she suggested an antidepressant, but until they kicked in she also gave me sleeping pills. It was a relief to put my head down and fall asleep… and stay asleep all night. I might have even slept longer had I not forgotten to disable my alarm, but I suppose Her Royal Floofness wanted to go out, and it is a bad idea to stay in bed all day anyways… especially when I know that I am fighting depression, and that it would be so easy to wallow in it. No, I will not let the sadness encroach on my life!

    Today is a cold day indeed. I took The Princess out for her walk this morning wearing a sweater under my new winter jacket (and not the sleeveless vest I have been wearing most of the last couple of months. Even with that I was still cold – mostly owing to my not thinking to wear a scarf. I’ll pay closer attention to that on our next outing.

    I am teaching this evening but unless the wind dies down, I do not think I’ll be sitting on the balcony today. If it does abate then I will change that plan because my heater can protect me from the cold, it is just the wind that makes it unpleasant. I will also make a point to spend some time on the treadmill… I did a 5km workout yesterday and would like to improve on that today. It will give me the chance to finish the movie I started watching yesterday.

    I still cannot believe that I am now struggling to drop my weight below 265 lbs.; It was October 15 (less than three months ago) that I registered on my fridge that I had dropped below 240 lbs. and then… well, when I came home from Dallas at the beginning of November my world fell apart. All of a sudden the last two days I was 29 lbs. higher than that weight. I am glad I was able to rein that in this morning, but I really do hate knowing how easy it was to fall off. I have done that before. I have to stay strong because there is a difference between falling off and picking myself back up again… and falling off and six months from now realizing I weigh what I weighed 713 days ago. I cannot let myself fall like that!

    See you all tomorrow.

  • Day 447

    I am not sure why I was not able to jog farther than I did yesterday. I pulled up at a little over 5.5km, opting to powerwalk the rest of the way. The two workouts combined for 12.9km, respectable by any measure. I just do not know why I stopped running. My legs were not bothering me, nor were my lungs. There was just an overall feeling of… something. While the walking did not break any records for me, it was certainly much faster paced than it had been since I started jogging, with my last complete kilometre clocking at 9m16s, which is not too shabby! My jogging pace was quite respectable as well, with three of my 5.6km clocked at 7.16s or faster. This morning I will hit the trails once more and see how much farther I can jog than I did yesterday. I might try to run the same path, only hopefully I will get farther before slowing my pace.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 5.6km (4.09km)
    • Duration: 41:34 (34:22)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 7m25s (8m24s)
    • Steps: 6,435 (5,200)
    • Calories burned: 576 (450)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 155 (151)

    Walking

    • Distance: 7.3km
    • Duration: 1:11:06
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 9m44s
    • Steps: 9,950
    • Calories burned: 689
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 140

    Leslie and I had a conversation about my running shoes last week. Most experts say that running shoes have a life expectancy, and a quick glance at the studies online shows me that most of my shoes are ready to be retired. There is one pair that is an exception to that, but most of my running shoes are approaching what looks like their golden years. That is before we even consider the fact that every pair of running shoes that I own knew my feet when I was well over 300 lbs., which would be a big factor in further reducing the life expectancy of them. All this to say that I think it is about time I look into ordering a new pair or two… especially if I am going to do a lot of running over the spring and summer.

    I have to drive into Toronto this afternoon for a meeting, which will be a bit of a schmooze-fest, but it is with someone who knows a lot of people in my industry and is going to try to get me interviews with a few companies. Knowing my current situation, I am not sure how I feel about taking a job in Canada… but contracts are always good, and it never hurts to know more people. This person was introduced to me by a former colleague who I respect, and who respects me; he would not knowingly be wasting my time. The only complication with that is the driving to and from the city… mostly from, based on the timing. I will likely stay put until the worst of the rush hour traffic is past, and then drive back to Burlington. To be safe, I will take my Taekwondo kit with me, because I would really like to get to class this evening.

    Okay, so I ran yesterday… and I walked. I also got back on the full-fast program and did not have any issues on that front. I did notice I was a little peckish as I lay in bed, but I am sure that was more mental than physical; I did not lie awake with hunger pangs; it was more of a quick ‘I think I’m a bit hungry’ as I spoke with Leslie… who reminded me that I was probably not hungry at all. She was right! I told her during our conversation that I was expecting my weight to drop dramatically from yesterday (when it rose dramatically). She reminded me that I had been off my program for ten days, and I should not expect to lose it all in one day. I assured her that I expected it would take at least a week to shed all the weight I had gained. After all, I was a whopping nine pounds heavier than my best weight (March 31, eleven days ago). The bathroom scale was very kind to me this morning, giving me back an incredible four pounds of progress, and dropping me, once again, below that dreaded 260 lbs. mark. While I am still five pounds from my best weight ever, I am only three pounds heavier than I was the morning I flew to Dallas eleven days ago… which was the morning after I had a pretty big cheat meal because of the scare with my bowels. I am feeling good, and while my hemorrhoids are still bothering me, the other bowel issues (which came with stomach cramps) seem to be gone. Nonetheless, I will still be speaking with my doctor about the issues tomorrow, and we will discuss if it is safe for me to continue on the full fast program… at least for another six weeks or so.

    Another issue I plan to discuss with my doctor tomorrow is my ADHD medications. The first couple of months on them I felt like a new man, with a renewed energy and focus, while being able to sit still without interrupting people all the time. These last few weeks – possibly since the last dosage increase – I have not felt quite so focused; at first, I thought it was just me, but when Leslie asked about it, I realized that it is real, and that I had better speak with the doctor. That meeting is tomorrow morning, which works out perfectly because tomorrow I will take the last pill in my previous prescription. I had called the pharmacy to renew, but if I do not collect the pills, and I get a new prescription from my doctor tomorrow, then they will simply cancel the old one and give me the new dosage… or new medication, as the case may be. That is not a subject that I am expert in and will listen to what the doctor has to say about it.

    Over the next two hours the temperatures should be jumping from the current 8° to 14° at 10:00am and peaking at 19° from 2-6pm. It is partly cloudy out, and while there was a bit of a breeze as I walked Her Floofness this morning, it was no worse than that. From 2:00pm the forecast calls for high winds, which seem to die down by 7:00pm. It looks like if all goes well, by the time I get home from Taekwondo this evening, the weather will be perfect to enjoy a cigar on the balcony. I finished my book yesterday afternoon, which means I should be giving some thought to my next read. I think I am going to continue with the current trend – I am listening to an audiobook that is fiction and will look for something in non-fiction to read on my e-book reader. An old friend of mine has written several books on cybersecurity, including one on the Dark Web that I have been meaning to read for a couple of years. <ten minutes later> I just reached out to him to ask if he thinks it is still relevant. Hopefully I will get an answer before it is time to read!

    My plans for today, with regard to my weight management program, are to stay on track and stay mindful. I will be going for my jog around 10:00am, after which I will come home, shower, answer any e-mails I may get, and then have my second meal replacement before heading out to Toronto. I will be taking my third meal replacement with me so that I can have it in the car before Taekwondo and will then have my fourth shake after Taekwondo (and before my cigar, should I be able to enjoy one). Staying on track and staying mindful are the best way to guarantee that I get back on track this week. I know that unless I have another tremendous weight drop tomorrow, I will not have lost weight between doctors’ visits for the first time since January. It’s okay though. I made the conscious decision to go off the program for good reason, and I stand by it. The fact that it coincided with a week of not being able to exercise did hurt a little, but I am back on track, and the weight will continue to come off. Mindfulness and focus are how I will ultimately succeed.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 413

    I am not sure if the reason I woke up early was really in anticipation of being able to check in for tomorrow morning’s flight at the very first possible minute, but that thought was certainly what occupied my mind as I lay in bed at 5:58am. Within fifteen minutes or so I would abandon all pretext of trying to fall back asleep, and I would start my day.

    I did not check in for my flight at the very first possible minute… but it was certainly completed within the first thirty minutes. An Uber has been reserved to pick me up at the ungodly hour of 0300. I even tried to fill out my CBP for on their new app, but that it seems has to be completed at the airport, so I will do it tomorrow morning. Knowing that I will wake up tomorrow morning alone, but by 10:00am I will be with my wife… you might say that I am excited, yes. If you did not read the monumental understatement in the tone of that statement, then you understand why I so prefer verbal communication. When I am back from my doctor’s appointment (and collecting whatever pharmaceuticals I need to renew) I will pack my suitcase, much of which will be filled with treats for Leslie and her son, but which will also include my blue suit and some other clothes. Before I begin my class this evening, I will pack up Her Floofness for her eleven-day visit with Sue, including her bowls and treats and toys. She gets to start her visit a day early so that I do not need to disturb Sue in the middle of the night. At the end of my class, I will be ready to drop off to sleep for four or five hours, and then the adventure begins!

    I decided to make an exception to my normal routine this morning. Most days that have an early doctor’s appointment, I will not consume anything until I am back. There are several reasons why I decided to have my first cup of coffee before going, not the least of which is that it smells so good. As is so often the case, I brewed the coffee without thinking. Yesterday I bought two different blends of coffee, this one being a mix of Swiss Chocolate Almond and an African bean that smelled too good to resist. One cup will not be the downfall of my weigh-in, will it? I have been saying that I want to register a 3kg loss from two weeks ago, which is possible based on my bathroom scale weigh-in… but it will be close. Maybe I should have skipped the coffee, waiting instead for my triumphant return from the doctor’s office. It’s too late now… maybe if I just change into a pair of shorts and go commando, I could make up for those added grams? Wait, it’s -5° outside… that is probably not a smart idea. I’ll just go with what I got, and I will hope for the best.

    —

    I missed my goal of 3kg by 100g, which means that if I had worn a short-sleeved t-shirt instead of my long-sleeve one I likely would have achieved it. I am moving the goalposts and calling it a victory. I am not going to cry over this one… especially with the memory of last week’s plateau of frustration so fresh in my mind. To lose 2.9kg over a fortnight during which my weight stayed the same for nearly a week? Huge win, thank you!

    The good news from the doctor is that I do not have arthritis in my knee. It is more likely tendonitis, but we need more imaging to confirm that. Sometime in the next couple of weeks, the imaging centre will call me to book an appointment. They asked if it needed to be rushed, but I assured them that it did not. The doc asked about my jogging, and I told him that I am still at it. He advised me to let pain be my guide. I can live with that advice. He told me there is no degradation of the knee, so I am okay… as long as I am okay.

    We decided to change the dosage of my ADHD medication, so following the appointment, I went to the pharmacy to drop off my new prescription. Sometime later today I will walk over there to pick it up. I will not be jogging today, but the pharmacy is just over a kilometre from here and will be a reasonable walk. I might continue along my path to make it a longer walk… but I will not be suiting up for a jog. Not only did I tell Leslie that I would not do that today, but I also do not want to have to do any more laundry before my trip.

    It is a beautiful day outside despite the cold. The forecast high is 2° which is not exactly beach weather, but it will be nice enough to put on my ski jacket and walk to the pharmacy… and probably the six-kilometre path around the block. When I come in, I will pack my carry-on bag, and then my suitcase. I have been chomping at the bit to do that for a few days now, and today is the day I finally get to do it.

    My plan for the day is to stay on track with my full-fast program (the last day for the next ten days that I will do that); I will go for my walk, stopping in at the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I will pack my stuff and will prepare Princess Sophie for her trip to Susan’s. I will teach my class this evening, and then I will try to get a few hours of sleep before my 2:15am alarm to prepare before the Uber arrives at 3am. If it is not too windy, I might have a cigar in the afternoon… we will see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 408

    It is not often that I actually swear at the bathroom scale, but this morning it could not be helped. I am truly angry that after a successful week of no cheating, of eschewing every temptation, that I could actually gain over a pound this morning. This is now the first week that I weigh the same on Friday as I did on Sunday. Had I cheated… had I gone off the program or taken a piece of something… had I opened one of the bags of snacks that I ordered to take to Dallas with me, then I would be a lot more accepting of this. How in the name of all that is good and right can I fucking weigh the fucking same as I fucking did five fucking days ago? This, after not one but two jogs in that time frame; after adding fibre to my diet (although admittedly it has not helped yet); after a week of religiously sticking to the program to the extent of not even taking an extra cup of tea in the evening? One day to the next I can understand, but over the course of nearly a week I should absolutely be seeing a downward trend. This fucking sucks. I would not be surprised that if you were to count the times I have used that word in this journal, now amounting to 387,000 words, fully half of them were in this paragraph. (Okay, I counted. 12 usages of the word in the previous 407 days, five in this paragraph. Not half, but almost one third!)

    At the end of my class yesterday I took HRF Princess Sophie out for a quick walk; she ran into a friend, and they played for a few minutes. We then went back into the apartment (with the normal inducement of a treat) so that I could grab my shake and go. Knowing that traffic on the highway could be terrible, and on the advice of my GPS system, I opted to take the toll road. It only extends only one exit from where I got on to where I rejoined the traffic leading to the Burlington Skyway, and from the looks of things behind me it might have saved me twenty minutes. Good choice. After circling the block, I decided to park in the hotel’s underground parking lot. I walked into the room with two minutes to spare.

    There are times when you look at how things turn out and you realize that they are a sign from G-d that you are an adult, and you have to be able to do things on your own. When the associate showed me to the fabric samples for jackets and vests, I tried to video chat with Leslie, only to find out that she and her son were huddled in their safe room with dinner, the hamster, and a number of his toys because of the tornado sirens. It was not a good time for her to talk. I was reticent because I really do value her opinion, and I have never been good at looking at a small piece of fabric and visualizing what it would look like as a vest, or sports jacket, or shirt. She had given me guidance on colours for the shirts, and with that, the associate and I looked at several options, and then I finally made my final selections. One sports jacket (blue and grey – darker than the one I got last year, and not quite as loud), one vest (burgundies and greys, which we agreed would go very nicely with both my grey and beige pants), and three shirts (a burgundy with white prints, a very light green with blue and green leaves, and a light – to royal blue). At the last minute I also splurged on a funky fabric for the inside lining of the vest which should match it really well.

    Leslie texted me that the all-clear had sounded as the tailor was taking my measurements, and that she approved of all of the fabrics… well, she was not a huge fan of one of them, but that is still a pretty good average for me. To counter the one she doesn’t love, she went nuts for the light green one. I am pleased with my selections… and what I am paying for the lot. I have a buddy in California who used to be in the industry, and he has no respect for my Hong Kong haberdashery. I get that, but at the same time, I am not prepared to pay Five Thousand Dollars for a suit and hundreds of dollars per shirt…especially knowing that hopefully by my birthday nothing that I ordered will fit properly anymore. While I know there are much higher quality clothes available, I think that what I ordered looks good, and knowing that I am still wearing clothes that I ordered from them six years ago, the quality is damned good as well.

    I do have to wonder about one thing though. This is the second year in a row that I have gone to the tailor and Leslie was unexpectedly unavailable to help me choose. Last year she was called into a customer meeting, this year tornado sirens. Maybe G-d really does want her to only pick my final weight clothes! Okay, I am being silly.

    I had another uncomfortably difficult bowel movement yesterday and decided to up my dosage of fibre. I put one or two teaspoons into three of my shakes yesterday, and hope that will kickstart my colon to start behaving. So far, so good… although I still have not had any solid foods, so I do not know from whence is coming all of the solid waste.

    As I drove toward the tailor, I was tempted momentarily by a fried chicken chain restaurant… the same one I wrote about in my article titled Temptations and Cravings that I wrote on Day 9 of my journey. I am not sure which came first – seeing the sign, or smelling the… I don’t know what it is that I smelled, because I do not think you can smell the eleven herbs and spices from the car. Maybe it is the grease that I smelled. Whatever it was, I was tempted briefly, before remembering two things: 1) However it might taste, the last few times I ate it I felt horrible afterwards, so it does not like me; and 2) I have been doing too well on my weight loss journey to throw it away on that garbage. I kept my eyes on the road, and shortly after I got home a couple of hours later, I had my fourth and final meal replacement of the day. I realized again that I am seeing these restaurants and being tempted, but so far, I have been able to resist those temptations. In less than a week from now, Leslie and I will dress up and go out for our first cheat meal… our favourite sushi restaurant. The following day I will likely have gained a pound or two on the scale (as I did on my first day in Dallas the last trip… following the same indulgent meal), and I will know that the meal I succumbed to, which had been planned a month in advance, was worth it… and a good decision. I will take my first bite and feel the juices rush through my mouth, knowing how long it will have been since I had a proper meal. I am not throwing that away – not to mention the forward momentum I have been making with my weight loss – on fast food chicken that has no redeeming qualities to it other than the addictive salt and grease.

    Today is Friday and I had planned to wear my grey Copley suit. After this morning’s terrible results from the scale, I was not in the mood to don that piece, and I decided to try on my light-gray sports jacket that I bought off the rack in 2017, and which did not fit the last time I tried it on. It fits fine today, so at least I have that. During the course of a five-day class, I do not like to repeat any piece of my outfit; until today that would have required me to wear the light-blue sports jacket which I have had altered down twice, and which I no longer feel fits me properly. I am glad that I can take that jacket out of the rotation. In eight weeks, I will receive my new sports jacket and vest (and my three new shirts), and I will retire this one as well. I do not like to think myself a snob and have never been a clothes snob. I simply feel the difference in the quality between the custom-tailored jackets that I wear and this one. There are plenty of off-the-rack brands that would likely be just as good as the ones that I get tailored; this one was bought off a liquidation rack at Sears, and probably cost me no more than $75. While there is a point at which I would not know the difference, at the lower end of the line you really do get what you pay for. For the time being, it fits, and on camera it will probably look fine… but it will not be a regular featured piece of my wardrobe.

    There is a winter weather advisory for the region. According to the radio, we are set to receive as much as 30cm of snow starting this afternoon and going through midday tomorrow. I have no place to be other than here, so aside from taking Her Floofness out for her business, I do not expect the inclement weather will affect me. I will, before class starts, run down to my car to put my windshield wipers up. If you do not understand why, it makes scraping ice and snow off the windshield much easier after the storm. With that said, unless something comes up, I have no plans to drive anywhere this weekend. My repaired shoes will be ready to be picked up tomorrow, but they will still be there Monday. Oh, I might try to go to the gym… but I am not going to dig my car out of 30cm of snow to do so. Hibernation may be the order of the weekend!

    I suppose I should log on and get my class started. Today is Day Last of my daytime class, and I promised my students (as I usually do) that I will be online early to answer questions and to offer any help they might need with their homework assignments.

    I called the pharmacy to renew my prescription (it would not do to run out of pills when I am in Dallas), and they told me that they cannot renew it until next Friday, the day after I fly out. I told them I was flying, and they told me that because it is a controlled substance, they have no wiggle room, and they would have to get authorization from my doctor to refill it in advance. That, I told her, is why I called so early. While it is possible that Wednesday we will be changing my dosage, I did not want to leave this to the last minute and have to fly without the pills. The pharmacy has a procedure in place for this contingency and will fax my doctor’s office for authorization. Even if he might not be working today (he often takes Fridays off), it will be dealt with on Monday, and I will absolutely be able to collect my prescription Wednesday, with plenty of time to spare. Pre-planning avoids all sorts of problems.

    I’ll run downstairs now to prepare my car, and then I’ll start my class. My plan for today is to stay on track… even though this last week that has not done me any good. Yes, I know it would have been worse had I cheated, I just feel… well, I feel like I have been cheated!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 344

    My wife mentioned to me last night (and it was not a throw-away) that she has never seen me properly drunk before. It is not often that I get drunk – even when I am not on new meds, and even when I am not on a diet. I am not saying it is unheard of, only that it is a rare occurrence. I think that on my next trip to Dallas I will have to bite the bullet and imbibe. That should be fun!

    Our wonderful date night last night culminated a pretty good day. For the early part of it I relaxed, and then I headed to the gym for my penultimate session with my personal trainer. I love Kezi and think that she has been extremely helpful over the years – especially in the beginning when we started working together – in showing me breathing techniques, different forms, and things like that. For this most recent package of sessions which I purchased with my membership I do not think she has been as helpful, but that is not her fault. It is a combination of things. She is a very advanced trainer who likes to use techniques that someone like me might benefit from but will likely have trouble sticking to without adult supervision. I think I will have a better time of it (not only for enjoyment, but for sticking with it) if I follow a regimen of machines, rather than trying to do a lot of things that she has me do with free weights. After we had our conversation a couple of weeks ago, she got better… but at the same time, I wonder if I needed her to show me how to do a leg press or a shoulder pull-down again. It is not on her… it is entirely on me. What these sessions have done is ensured that I have gotten back into the gym on a semi-regular basis. After tomorrow’s session, it will be entirely up to me to make sure I am not just wasting my money.

    There must be some freaky science between the algorithms on Facebook Reels. Over the last few days, the feed has stopped being entirely about anarchists trying to intimidate police and public officials and has shown me several (at least ten) reels about ‘Here’s what it is like living with ADHD.’ I do not remember typing those letters into Facebook, so either it is a massive coincidence, or Meta is spying on my private phone conversations. I should note that they also own WhatsApp, which is the primary method I use to communicate with Leslie. It is not out of the realm of possibility that they are listening in (to both chats and video calls) and tailoring what I receive to that. In the past I have blown off these intrusions because they are usually trying to sell me something. The reels I have watched of other peoples’ experience with the condition/disorder/disease that I am just trying to come to terms with are helping me to understand some of the issues that I have – some of which I have had for most of my life, some of which I have fought and overcome. I might spend an hour this morning actively seeking out more of these reels and taking notes, because the condition is such an omnibus condition. To quote one reel that I actually saved (from Austin Cunningham):

    ADHD is f-cking depressing. It is a mix of everything. You will fit in everywhere but nowhere. You are extremely arrogant, but you are very much aware of your own faults. Capable of anything yet not motivated to do a thing. Witty and charismatic but have a low tolerance for bullshit. People. Great with advice but follow none of it. You are most likely a genius but have trouble handing your own emotions. You are an extrovert who needs a lot of personal space. You love being different, but you hate being misunderstood. You have brilliant ideas but lack the patience to follow through with them. You have more interests than anyone you know but will get bored with every one of them. Easily understand the thoughts of others but find it hard to translate your own. Surprisingly compassionate yet seemingly very cold. We make it look fun but it’s really not. If purgatory had a face, it would be ours… and we would smile from behind the cell wall as if nothing was wrong.

    I made corrections and changes (from the spoken word, not the poorly copied text) only to account for differences between spoken word and written. Other than that, this is the exact text. It hit me like a brick because yeah… that is me to a T. As I said, I will spend some time this morning looking for more. It is nice to see that I am not alone with this.

    The temperatures outside are extremely unseasonable. The widget on my computer is currently reading 9° (which is about 48° Fahrenheit for my American readers). That is a nearly thirty-degree temperature swing (or about fifty-five-degree swing for the Americans) from just four or five days ago. Not only will I be able to sit on the balcony with a cigar (or two) today, but I will also need neither my winter jacket nor my heater. I only have one obligation on my calendar for today, which is my check-in call with my weight-loss buddy. She canceled last week because she was hosting for the holidays, but I assume that we will be back on for today. Other than that, I am hoping that my wife will join me for a cigar (or two) as I sit and bask in the beautiful weather.

    My back is aching a bit today. It is as if I went to the gym and worked out muscles that I am not used to working. Yes, that is exactly what happened. I am not unhappy with the achiness… I know that it is part of my penance for letting myself get so out of shape.

    The leftover turkey is finished, which is a relief. I am happy to say that while I am still 2.5 lbs. from my best-weight-yet territory, I am 2.5 lbs down from where I was yesterday. I had considered preparing a chicken dinner for myself after the gym but decided not to when Leslie invited me out for a cigar date. It was the right decision for a couple of reasons. The first of which is that I should never neglect my wife, and spending time with her is more important than almost everything else. The second reason is that I have been trying to get back on track with my eating, and while Saturday’s gourmet New Year’s Eve dinner at Lyle and Dorothy’s will be an exception, getting back on track yesterday was better than trying to get back on track today. As it is, I did have some peanuts in the car, and that was enough sustenance that when I decided to go to sleep around midnight, I had a lot of things on my mind… but hunger was not one of them. For today, I plan to make my regular chicken and salad for lunch, and then maybe later in the day I will have a meal replacement… or two, if I need it.

    Speaking of meal replacements, I ordered a box of them from Amazon yesterday. I usually run like the wind away from anything with the words ‘Cookie Dough’ in the title, but I decided to give them a chance. They are 190 calories each, with 21g of protein, 12g of fibre, and only 1g of sugar. If I like them, I can stick with them. If I do not, then I will suffer through them (there are 12 in the box), and then I will try something else for my next order. As it stands, I think I am due to receive another couple of boxes of the last ones that I ordered in a couple of weeks… their nutritional values were not as good, but they were extremely satisfying, so I decided to not cancel my subscription order just yet. We will see how good these cookie dough ones are…

    I have been spending a lot of time this last week trying to gauge my focus on my journal writing as a bellwether to see how well I am focusing (in contrast with before I started on my meds). Today’s article was not done in thirty minutes without interruption… but the interruptions were more that, and less distractions. On the one hand, I do think I want to discuss raising the dosage when I see my doctor next week. On the other hand, I still think I am doing better than I was pre-meds. Speaking of which, there are a couple of potential side effects that I am hoping to see… but they are not things that I will discuss – not even in my private journal.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 337

    I cheated yesterday. Sorry, not sorry.

    It started after my doctor’s appointment. I went shopping and I decided, in addition to my regular chicken, that I would also buy a couple of packages of meatless hamburgers with the wonderful, seeded buns that Leslie and I discovered. By the time I came home, I was extremely hungry – I had eaten my morning meal replacement quite early, and due to several delays, it was way past lunchtime. I prepared one of the buns and two of the burgers. They were delicious! They also did not completely satisfy me, and an hour later I decided to prepare a piece of chicken with salad. With that, I was good… and would have been sated for the evening, had my ex-wife not told me (at 3:00pm) that I was invited to join her and our son for dinner that evening. I had a salad, but it was still a cheat meal.

    I took my first Adderall yesterday after shopping. Since my appointment with the therapist last week, I have been thinking about all of the issues that I have, many of which affect not only me but others around me, that can be attributed to ADHD, and I have been anxiously and eagerly waiting to see my doctor so that I could get a prescription. My doctor is extremely cautious, and insists we start with a low dose. I am hoping that in the next few days I will see tremendous improvements in my focus.

    It was wonderful to see my son (the younger) and to light the candles with him. I felt so bad that I forgot the presents that I bought for him at home (along with the Channukah gelt), but that will only give me another opportunity to see him in the next few days… after the storm. Yes, we are expecting a storm that should begin this evening with rain; as the temperatures drop, the rain will transition to snow. Anyone who has lived in Canada will realize that a bad storm that starts as rain and turns to snow means that the rain that has already fallen turns to ice and makes for extremely dangerous winter conditions. The walking will be bad, but the driving will be terrible and dangerous. The prescribed advice by Environment Canada (as well as basic common sense) is to stay home. The rain is set to start in the evening, so any errands that might be needed should be done earlier in the day. I went shopping yesterday, so there is not a lot that I need… but I will go to Fortino’s to pick up challah rolls for tomorrow’s Shabbat prayers. After that? The only time I need to go outside is to walk Her Royal Floofness; she is quite unimpressed by stormy weather, whether that be a little rain or a giant winter vortex. She will step outside briefly to do her business, but she will be back inside before my step counter reaches 200.

    My only obligation today is a meeting with a company I plan to do some training for in the new year. That consists of familiarizing myself with their LMS (Learning Management System) environment, and then a quick orientation meeting to welcome me to the team. I know… dress professional, speak professional, take attendance, look good so we look good. I am happy to comply! After that, I will head to the store for what little provisions I need. After that? Knowing the storm is coming, I might sit outside under the heater (the calm before the storm) and enjoy a cigar. We’ll see.

    Leslie asked me yesterday afternoon if I was feeling a sudden laser-focus after taking my first meds, and I did not. Truth be told, I was thinking from beginning that the first indicator that I was experiencing any benefits from the medications would be the level of distraction writing this journal entry. So often these last few months I have taken over an hour to write, not because I am slow, but because I am easily distracted. Whether it be email or Facebook or whatever, on days when I do not have appointments it is not uncommon for me to start writing at 9:00am and finish a thousand-word entry three hours later. While I did get pulled away briefly (the training company sent me an email asking for some information), I still think I have gotten through this entry with more focus than usual. I started at 9:10am; it is now 9:40am, and I am ready to wrap it up. Is this because of the meds, or is it because I said to myself that this is what I needed to do in order to show measurable progress? I do not know… but it is one of those, and I suppose that my wanting to show progress and thus making progress is in and of itself progress. To quote an old adage: Fake it until you make it!

    The numbers on the scale this morning were exactly where I expected they would be, knowing how badly I veered from the program yesterday. Today I will do better, and tomorrow’s numbers will reflect that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 76

    The pains in my foot are worse than they were, and I am worried that when I tell that to my doctor tomorrow, he is going to start considering alternatives… like arthritis. In truth, it could be that I have not been taking the medications as prescribed – I have been taking it once per day, rather than twice. I have vowed that starting yesterday, I am taking it twice. Hopefully that will fix me up.

    Speaking of tomorrow’s doctor visit: while I am certainly weighing less than I did when I was last there two weeks ago, I am not going to achieve my goal of being weighed comfortably on the primary scale. As long as I keep up the pace I am at (and do not have any more trips to Montreal where I take a giant step backwards in my progress) that will be on my next visit, two weeks from tomorrow. I know that these things will not happen overnight, and small incremental steps forward add up, which is why I have lost about forty pounds in the last month and a half. It may be hard to fathom why eating as well as I am right now, I am not losing weight faster… but it is not that hard to remember that eating the way I was eating before had me looking and feeling terrible. Yes, my foot is in pain, but it is an isolated pain. The rest of my body is feeling the relief of carrying 40lbs less than I was carrying just ten short weeks ago.

    Incidentally, I am now back at the weight I was at before I went to Montreal… so I have finally reclaimed that lost progress and can start heading into new territory. I hope that over the next couple of days my weight drops below that terrible milestone, and I can breathe a sigh of relief. Unless I really fall off the program, that will happen during Leslie’s visit. She loves being here to celebrate those milestones with me, and I love having her here for them!

    With all that said, I know I have to put my dreams of 5-10km walks on hold for at least a few days, if not longer. We will see what the doctor has to say about my foot tomorrow. I suspect he is going to ask why I did not get my bloodwork done, so that at least he can check my uric acid levels. I promise, I will do that in the next few weeks. I was just hoping to lose some of the weight before having it done. I do not even want to know what my levels were at when I weighed my heaviest.

    I am so looking forward to Leslie’s visit. She is coming in tomorrow evening, and it has been far too long since I have been able to hold her in my arms. We are now inside 48 hours, and the anticipation is maddening. I go to sleep one more time, and the next time I wake up will be the day that I pick her up from the airport! Granted, her flight comes in late at night, but that does not change the fact that it is tomorrow. I told my students last night that tomorrow’s class would be adjourning a little earlier than usual, which will suit many of them just fine, as the students who are paying attention and doing their labs have a lot of work left to do on the labs… and the students who are not will be glad that they can sign off earlier than normal.

    The cleaning lady is coming soon, and I will split my time between some work at the computer and sitting on the patio. It will not be a very busy day, but I do have things I have to get done. Before my class starts this evening.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 70

    I noticed that while I am teaching, I am going through lozenges like they are candy. I have to wonder if it is because I feel the need (I do speak quite a bit while I am teaching, but not so much that I would need this many of them), or if it is just a habit. I am glad I had the foresight to purchase sugar-free lozenges.

    My weight is down nearly 1.5 lbs. this morning… and I am still nearly two pounds up from what I weighed on Friday. As I said yesterday, the system is just not fair. I know that if I was following the original program to the letter – that is, drinking four shakes per day, no meals, no coffee with milk and sugar – then the weight would be melting off. I would likely be down 75 lbs. by now. I am hoping that by doing the modified program it will allow me to maintain the weight loss long-term, rather than losing a lot of weight quickly, and then gaining it all back.

    I have noticed a couple of non-scale victories in the last few days.

    1. It is easier to stand from a sitting position than it was at my heaviest weight. Whether from my office chair or from the porcelain throne, I am no longer struggling to stand as I did for a few months. If this is not a quantifiable improvement, it is certainly a noticeable one!
    2. While I am definitely not where I want to be, I am thrilled that I can walk and maintain a slightly brisk pace. It makes a world of difference when I walk with Princess Sophie, and when I am able to start walking for exercise, it will mean even more. To be clear, I could start walking for exercise anytime I want; I am waiting for the weather to cooperate. This morning the temperatures are hovering around 0°c and with the rain the sidewalks are quite slippery.
    3. In December/January, my fitness watch band secured to my right wrist on the last hole. It was only this morning that I realized it is now on the fifth hole. That is nearly an inch of improvement… in my wrist! I am looking forward to when my gold watch fits around my left wrist. It has a solid gold band and cannot be resized. The phases to it will be: Cannot close, closes tightly, closes comfortably, closes loosely. Knowing that it was my father’s, and my father was a significantly smaller man than I was, I do not expect it will be too loose. It is the sort of watch one would only wear for fancy occasions. I was thrilled in 2020 when I was able to wear it under my suit for the High Holiday services.

    I made it through Monday with very little cheating. The jar of peanuts I bought for the ride from Montreal is half full, and I took a handful as I got into the car yesterday. I suppose that will happen from time to time until the jar is empty. I will not allow myself to buy another jar. Anyhow, I much prefer the red skinned peanuts I can get at Bulk Barn to the Planters Peanuts… and I can buy much smaller quantities when I want a small treat!

    I have a number of errands to run today so I will be out and about a lot. The first of those is a doctor’s appointment for HRF… it is a routine seasonal visit to prepare her to start with the flea and tick medications. She spent most of her life in sunny Southern California, and this winter was the first season that she did not need those meds. With spring in the air, she will get them again. Hopefully they have the same gummy option that we had in the US. I know she liked those much better than the stuff we used to have to apply to the back of her neck. I suppose we will find out in an hour or so!

    After that I will bring her home, and I have to go back out. I have a few things I want to pick up at the hardware store, and I will do a little grocery shopping as well. I will likely do those errands after lunch.

    I noticed Monday that when I picked up my prescriptions from the pharmacy, there was one that was missing. My doctor had refilled my prescription for colchicine, but he had mentioned that he would be taking me off that, and putting me on a pill called allopurinol, which would help to prevent gout inflammations by keeping the levels of uric acid in my system low. There was none of that, so yesterday I called the doctor’s office, and sure enough the nurses had no record of it. The doctor is on vacation this week, but I will be able to see him next week when I go in to get weighed. As long as the colchicine is working, I am in no rush for it… but I would like to start this new regimen, which if my father’s history is any indication I will be on for the rest of my life.

    I dug up an article I wrote a couple of years ago which I decided to republish today. It is one of those encouragement articles that I felt I needed to reread over the last couple of days, knowing that I am only losing so much per week now… It is called One Pound Lose is Three Pounds of Progress. It will go live on my blog at noon today.

    Have a great day folks!