Losing a part of me

Category: Mental Health

  • 2026 Day 21

    I was sleeping quite well until I wasn’t. My eyes popped open at 4:45am, and there was absolutely nothing that I could do to close them again. I finally gave up and decided to start my day around 6:00am, although I never did end up getting out of bed. I was tired enough that I guess I was hoping beyond hope that I would be able to nod off again. I eventually did nod off for a couple more hours of sleep… but the damage was done. I hope I am able to make it through this day (and especially my class this evening) without falling asleep!

    • Sleep score: 45 (Poor)
    • Duration: 4h01m (Poor)
    • Stress: 29 avg (Average)
    • Deep: 1h33m (Excellent)
    • Light: 2h20m (Excellent)
    • REM:8m (Poor)
    • Awake/Restlessness: 7m, 17 Restless Moments (Excellent)

    I did not expect my weight to be down this morning for a number of reasons… and for one other reason I am not putting a lot of stock in the reading I got.

    Reason #1: I ran some errands yesterday and decided to pick up some peanuts. My former habit, when I was on the program but adding peanuts to it, was to buy a single (mostly) measured serving. That way I knew what I had, and I did not have to worry about willpower to stick to the proper amount. These last few times I have bought them I bought two or three servings; I knew that I would keep them in the car, and I have not been doing a lot of driving, so it would be okay. Yesterday’s errands had me in motion for a couple of hours, by the end of which the two servings of peanuts were gone. I was back home by 4pm, having consumed two meal replacements and two helpings of peanuts already. I decided that I would not eat anything else for the rest of the day. Despite my going to a buddy’s house to smoke cigars and watch the hockey, I stuck to that plan.

    Reason #2: Getting a good nights sleep is so important to weight loss, and I did not get that last night.

    Reason I don’t put stock in the reading: I usually weigh myself between 6:30am and 9:00am. This morning I weighed myself shortly after 11am. I know that my weight fluctuates throughout the day, which is why I weigh myself (when I can) at around the same every day. The lateness of my date with the bathroom scale makes me wonder how much it might have fluctuated. I hope this evening I will be able to sleep well, and that I will be able to trust the measurement tomorrow morning… as much as I can trust the questionable scale on the unsteady floor.

    There is a lot going on with regard to one particular part of my life which has been throwing my emotions asunder these last few days – and really since mid-December. I have not and will not discuss it until everything is signed and sealed and finished… but I will say two things about it: 1) One of the reasons it has been so difficult for me to get back on the program and stick to it – both in December and January – is because of this. It is absolutely life-changing, and it is the hopeful culmination of a very long process. 2) The fact that these last few days the worst that I have done on my program is a few extra peanuts, knowing what is going on, is a complete shock.

    All of this to say that my weight this morning was indeed down by 1.4 lbs., which puts me just .2 lb. above the best weight I have had this month, which was the morning before I stepped onto my scale to see a 5 lbs. gain from the previous day (a day during which I had been good and stuck to the program). Since that day I have gone up and down within about a six-pound range. This includes my ‘bender’ which began when I fell off the wagon and gained five pounds in one day thanks to General Tao and his army of fried Chinese foods, and lasted through my getting back onto the program this past Sunday morning. As far as benders go… the fallout from this one was not too bad.

    While I still have enough to last me another week or so, my diet buddy is running low and so I placed an order for more meal replacements yesterday. I should be okay through mid-February at this point.

    I am teaching this evening, but let’s see if I can get a couple of hours of productive work done between now and then.

    Have a great day!

  • 2026 Day 12

    I was obviously in a terrible frame of mind yesterday after I weighed myself. Nonetheless, I did not cheat. I had some celery, a pinch of grated cheese, and three meal replacements. This morning my weight was slightly up from where it was yesterday… although within the margin of error. That does not make me feel any better about it.

    I did something stupid this morning. I had to leave the house around 7:00am to get to an appointment across town. I took the toll road and was extremely early, but even then the traffic could have been bad, and I could not be late for this one. I took Her Floofness for her walk, and then I fed her, prepared a cup of coffee to go, and headed out. I was just pulling out of the parking lot when I realized I had not prepared a meal replacement. For a brief second I thought about turning back, but decided to venture forward. The appointment and my punctuality were too important. There were maybe fifteen peanuts in the car, and that is what I ate before the appointment. When I left there I decided to stop at Bulk Barn. I bought peanuts and four slices of dried mango. It got me home by 11:15am without needing to stop off and eat something else that would necessarily have been a worse choice. Yes, the mangoes were bad. In my current state of mental health (my weight loss is only one thing weighing on me) I accept that, and will continue to try to do better. In the meantime, I decided to forego my second meal replacement of the day (which would have been my first). I will have one before my class starts this evening… and another between my evening class and my overnight class. Yes, it is going to be one of those weeks!

    Despite my terrible state of mind yesterday, or possibly even because of it, I got a lot of work done on a project that I have been quite delinquent on. In fact, I would venture to say that it was the most productive weekend day I’ve had on a work project in years.

    Knowing that it was going to be a very early morning (my alarm was set for 5:15am) I was in bed at a very reasonable hour. I turned off the lights and all devices a few minutes after 10:00pm… and then proceeded to toss and turn until 1:30am. No wonder my sleep score was in the toilet.

    I am going to do a little bit of work on that project now, and then will try to sleep for a few hours. I am crossing my fingers that I can.

    Have a great day folks.

  • 2026 Day 10

    I fell off the wagon today.

    This weekend was supposed to be a quiet one, relaxing at home and such. When a Lodge brother texted me yesterday afternoon asking if I would be able to come to help his sister with her computer, I said I would be delighted to. This morning I took that opportunity to book a haircut as I really needed it, and my barber is near his sister.

    The list of things that I did wrong is long, but it all started with my bathroom scale. I was good yesterday, following the program as I should. How then, please tell me, could I have gained five pounds from yesterday morning? I swore, I cursed, and the fact that a couple of my attempts had be only about two pounds up from yesterday did not change that my weight is so severely up from yesterday. I know, it is a bad idea to weigh myself every day; I also know that weight loss is about the overall trend, and not about individual plots on the graph. None of that changed the fact that I was in a shitty mood and ready to throw it all in and dive into a plate of chicken wings.

    After leaving my buddy’s sister’s house (with an appreciation bottle of scotch in hand) I realized how hungry I was. I had my morning meal replacement around 8:30am, and it was now… 3:00pm. Had it been a normal day I would have stopped and picked up some peanuts. As I weighed as much as an elephant this morning despite my best efforts, I also picked up four slices of dried mango. I only ate three of them (more on that in a minute). I was really in a bad mood, and I was close to giving up.

    As I walked from Bulk Barn to Dollarama (to buy sugar free chewing gum) I had a loud altercation with a driver. After I yelled at him he rolled down his window and said ‘Didn’t you see me enter the intersection? Why did you continue crossing?’ I replied: ‘Do you mean did I see you blow through the stop sign ignoring everyone else’s right of way because you think you are more important than the rest of us?’ He replied with a comment that I will not repeat here… and as he pulled away he found himself slapped on the cheek by a flying slice of dried mango. Four slices became three.

    I am still down about the weight, even though I know that tomorrow things will be back to normal… or at least I hope they will be, but the mango and peanuts might impede that. I might be going out with someone this evening, and if I do then I will try to not eat… and if I do, it will be a very light cheat. Tomorrow, rain or shine, up or down, I will be back on track with my program.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 7

    The last few days have been a huge bell curve. I mentioned a couple of days ago that one evening this week a friend brought me Vietnamese pho, which is extremely salty, and that I ate that for two days. In short, from Monday to Thursday my weight was up over five pounds, which really did not do anything good for my mental state. This morning I was pleased to see that I had dropped all of that excess weight, likely caused by retaining water based on the high sodium content of the soup. Phew. I have dropped 8.2 lbs. in the first week… not bad, could be better.

    I am not in a good head space right now. A combination of personal and financial issues are weighing on me. Last night I was sleeping like a baby… until I woke up to pee at 4:00am. It probably took me 45 minutes to get back to sleep. Somehow my sleep score was still 88… I am glad I did not give up and pick up my phone to start reading.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1158

    Yesterday was not a good day for me.

    I was a bit out of sorts when I woke up, but that was not a big issue. I hit the road around 11am and was all ready for a nice and relaxing drive to Montreal. When my diet buddy texted me I called her so that I did not have to text while driving. With no ill intention she caused my stress and anxiety to shoot through the roof. I pulled off the road and fell off a cliff with regard to my eating. Large bags of potato chips are never a good idea. While it is bad that I turn to eating junk when in emotional crisis, at least I recognize it.

    When I arrived at my friends’ house I got some horrible news about his health, and I am doing my best to be as good a friend to him and his wife as I can be. When he woke up this morning we went for a walk and I talked to him about everything, including his feelings and intentions. He will not know a course of treatment until he speaks to his doctors tomorrow, but he has a very positive attitude which is important.

    To top everything off, my wife called me in a panic after our American puppy (HRF Duchess of Mischief) was viciously attacked by a large dog who had gotten away from his owner. We spent quite some time talking because she was in a state, but she did everything right and handled it perfectly, and I told her how proud I was of her. It is fine to fall apart after dealing with a situation; falling apart during an incident is where we fail.

    I am sure I gained seven pounds yesterday, but it is what it is. I will do better today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1102

    I am coming to terms with the degree of my emotional despair and current state of mental health. I discussed it a little with a buddy and more with my wife. While it is not about my weight, my inability to lose weight is both partly the result of my mental state, as well as a contributing factor to my mental state… albeit a minor one.

    I spent a couple of hours yesterday with a buddy who understands some of what I am going through, and while we spent maybe seven minutes talking about our combined mental health issues, it was good to sit and talk with a friend and NOT have to stress over anything. He did ask me for some help with his computer, but it was the sort of thing that I can do in my sleep.

    My weight was seriously down this morning. I have to assume it will rebound tomorrow; hopefully it will not be all the way back up.

    I am seriously happy that I am teaching this week. I really need the money, but I also need the distraction.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 1101

    I am still in my funk, but at least I have something to look forward to. I spent a couple of hours preparing for the class that I am teaching this week. I have been sitting on my hands for nearly two months. I want to come out of the gate swinging for the fences.

    My weight was just about where it was yesterday, but at least I slept a little better. Not a lot…

  • Day 1096

    Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) sucks.

    Yesterday was the first day of the cease fire in Gaza, and the first innocent hostages were traded for 30x their numbers in violent terrorist murdering scum. We do everything we have to in order to bring our people home… at almost any cost.

    That was what was mostly on my mind as I walked up to the bakery counter at Fortino’s yesterday afternoon. It just so happens that as I approached the counter, the kid serving (probably in his mid-teens) was talking about the bagpipes. I made a funny quip about ear plugs. He looked at me and started telling me how they are the only musical instrument specifically designed to be used in war (which I knew). He then started saying: “Can you imagine being in a war, and going into battle to face the enemy…’ I stopped him and said that I really could, but that he couldn’t and hopefully never would.

    I walked away with my bread but felt the need to go back and tell him that I was sorry for being rude. He told me I wasn’t and that he shouldn’t speak about certain things. I told him that he did nothing wrong and that he should not change at all.

    The fact that he did nothing wrong does not change the fact that I freaked out. I pictured it, and I was right back there. My heart was racing and there was nothing I could do to calm it down… none of my usual techniques worked. I sat in my car for fifteen minutes until my phone buzzed reminding me that someone I was meant to meet so that I could give him something was at my door. I told him I was on my way, and I was home in four minutes.

    I overate last night. I also drank. I felt bad doing it, but I did not know what else to do. I was shaking all evening until I finally got to sleep. Yes, I had nightmares. It was not a good night.

    I knew that my weight would be up this morning… I never expected that it would be up slightly over three pounds. I kicked myself for the transgression… but at the same time I know that it was literally a ‘mental health falling off the cliff’ occurrence. I hope to do better today.

    Well somehow I forgot to post this, but it was almost done. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 940

    I do not know why I was so hungry last night. Once again, I ate more thank I should have… but still within the parameters of what I had been doing the whole week. I was again afraid that my weight would be up this morning… especially since it is now a few days since I have had a half-decent bowel movement. In fact, my weight dropped another .4 lbs., bringing my weight loss since Sunday to nine pounds. That is nothing to sneeze at indeed, but I have to find a way to keep it going. The mental and emotional side of weight loss is the hardest part.

    Last night I was out after my class to pick up dog food and treats for Her Royal Floofness, and I briefly considered stopping into Fortinos to pick up a challah roll for Shabbat. I decided not to, and I think that is the reason my weight was down this morning. It is bad enough that I am not able to stick to only eating meal replacements in the evening, but if I were to add carbs and starches into my diet I know the results would be disastrous.

    Will I be able to get out to exercise today? I might try. The afternoon forecast is rain, so I would have to get out earlier. I have a couple of errands I need to run, so maybe I will go out in a few minutes and then do some work in the afternoon.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 933

    I did not realize that my ‘joining people for meals to celebrate’ obligations were starting last night. We went to the pub and I had fish and chips… a bad choice, but certainly not the worst thing I could have ordered. I paid for it this morning… but not as bad as it could have been. Without being able to move my bowels, my weight was back up to exactly that terrible number. This weekend will be difficult but hopefully tomorrow afternoon I’ll be able to get back on track.

    My doctor confirmed the pain in my knee is indeed caused by gout, and we adjusted my meds accordingly. I am crossing my fingers that by next week my knee will be fully healed and I will be able to do some exercise. In the meantime, yesterday was the first day in a few weeks that my step count exceeded 9,500.

    I knew that I would not sleep well or much last night. My sleep score is an abysmal 33. I was both too excited to sleep well, and also kept waking up afraid I might oversleep. I left the house before 5:00am today, already in a suit and tie. As I type this I am at the airport waiting for my friend. It will be great to see him!

    Have a great day folks!