Losing a part of me

Category: Mental Health

  • Day 925

    I was able to follow my plan yesterday, so when I hopped onto the bathroom scale this morning, I was relieved that my weight dropped to almost Wednesday’s number. I am still above the horrible 295 lbs. mark, but closer to it today than to 300 lbs. (which I was closer to yesterday).

    My knee has been in absolute agony since Wednesday. As there was no obvious reason for it, I suspected it was a gout attack. I have suffered from gout (as did my father before me) for years, and it is truly painful. I did not write about it these last couple of days because my mind was elsewhere, but there was nothing I could do to relieve the pain. I decided yesterday, after speaking with a buddy who suffers from the same affliction (and is on the same meds as I am) that I would see a doctor about it today. I took the opportunity to get my bloodwork done so that it would be done before my yearly checkup next week. The doctor told me that it might be gout, but if I am on the preventive meds as I am then it could either be that (which means I would need to adjust my dosage), or it could be another inflammation (such as arthritis). Either way, the same anti-inflammatory would alleviate the pain, and my bloodwork would determine if it was gout or something else. I am hopeful that by the end of the day (and after a couple of doses of the new meds) that the pain will subside. It has not only prevented me from being able to walk too far, but it also keeps me awake at night.

    Because I was going to the clinic, I did not eat breakfast until I was home. I ate late, which means I will eat my lunch late as well. In the evening I will, once again, only have a meal replacement. I am hopeful that I can drop to below 290 lbs. in the next week so that I can be below that number for my Lodge meeting next Saturday. I am hopeful!

    I want to shout out quickly to the friends and readers who have reached out to me these last few days to see if I am okay. I have been going through a lot of challenges, but I will persevere. Yes, they have caused me to put my weight loss onto the back burner. Yes, they have at times, been overwhelming. No, I do not plan to go back onto the antidepressants that I stopped taking in June. I believe strongly in psychology and those meds are hugely important for helping mental illness. I do not think that my situation is chemical, rather situational. I have to be stronger, and the meds will not change the way the world is. If I am not willing to turn to whisky to make things better, I do not feel that I should be turning to meds either. I want to be clear that this is a personal decision that is best for me and is not advice I would give to anyone else. If you are feeling overwhelmed, then you should speak to your doctor for the proper advice. Do not be ashamed if you need meds.

    I have some work to do, so I am going to close here and go make lunch so that I will then be able to continue my day.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 912

    My weight dropped to exactly 290 lbs. this morning, which is a decent drop, but not as much as it would have been had I not had the challah last night to say the blessing. Not sorry at all.

    Frankly, I am sure my weight would have dropped a bit more had I voided my bowels before weighing myself. Let me rephrase, because I actually did… but after I finished walking Her Floofness, I started making breakfast and felt the urge; too many things were on the go already (on the stove, etc.) so I decided not to. After breakfast, I had another significant bowel movement, and suspect it would have been an even more substantial loss. Oh well!

    My plans for today are a bit up in the air, but I am hoping that they firm up quickly. Whatever happens, I am going to try to be disciplined with food.

    ***

    I posted the following on my Facebook wall last night:

    There is hope!

    I was sitting in the barber’s chair discussing some of the anti-Israel Nazi protesters. She and I have known each other over a year, and she knows my position. I said something about the ‘Israel’s genocide of the poor innocent Hamas supporters in Gaza (sarcastically). The gentleman sitting waiting for the other barber loudly said ‘Excuse me? Do you really believe that garbage? All of the protesters are really just antisemites who hate Jews.’

    In nine months this was not nearly the first time that someone has agreed with me on the issue… but it was the first time anyone who did not know me stood up and said ‘HEY! The Jews have a right to exist and defend themselves and to get their hostages back by any means necessary.’ I asked the barber to give me a minute… I pulled off the cape to reveal my Israeli flag pin and my yellow ribbon pin. I told him my REAL position. I then thanked him for helping to restore my faith in humanity… if only for a minute, and if only a little bit.

    The Holocaust did not happen because EVERY German was a Nazi and agreed with the Nazis. It happened because good people stayed silent because they did not think it was their business to get involved.

    SPEAK UP! What we are seeing today is not different from Germany in the 1930s. The only difference today is that WE – Israel and the IDF – are stronger and smarter and know what’s at stake. Most of us don’t believe that ‘It can’t happen again’ because our parents said that and IT HAPPENED. With all of the lies and vitriol being spread it sometimes feels like we are alone… and if that’s what is going to be then we’ll face it alone… and we’ll win. But man, does it feel good to know that we still have some righteous gentiles who are willing to speak up for the side of right.

    If you think it won’t make a difference, then let me tell you something… this guy made my week. I’ve not been having a good time of it lately, but this guy really fed my soul and showed me that we may feel isolated… but we are not.

    I wish I got his name… I wish I had told him what his standing up for my country and my people meant to me. I wish I could have given him a hug. Thank you, Sir.

    If you think it doesn’t matter to anyone, trust me… this man meant everything to me.

    ***

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 884

    I was not feeling better at all yesterday, even though the start of the day was promising. I was happy to get through the day (although I did need to take a nap before class and thank G-d that I did!), and even got 7,300 steps in. That included a trip to the supermarket and dry cleaners. While my trip to the supermarket was for a specific reason, I did not get out entirely unscathed; I stopped at the bakery and bought a single roll, and when I got home, I toasted it and enjoyed it with avocado oil (a non-margarine spread) on one side, and grated cheese on the other. I ate this in place of one meal replacement. I am not sure, but I suspect that the carbs helped to settle the evil serotonin receptors in my stomach which have been wreaking havoc on my system these last few days.

    This morning’s bowel movement was no better than any of the myriad BMs of the last couple of days. Nevertheless, I do feel that I am doing better today than I was Thursday or Friday. I am cautiously optimistic that I just might be on the other side of the worst of things. We’ll see.

    Leslie and I had a lovely cigar date over the last three hours. What started out as a beautiful day turned, within the last fifteen minutes, into an extremely rainy storm. I was not expecting it, although the forecast did call for rain today. That rain is really coming down now.

    It is now 1:20pm. I have had to sit on the potty once in the interim, but despite that I am feeling much better today than I did yesterday. My stomach is still feeling a little weak, but overall, I am feeling good. Yay! I think I can now say with confidence that while I might possibly not be completely better, I am certainly over the worst of it.

    My weight was up by .4 lb. this morning. It is possible that is because of the roll that I broke down and purchased yesterday, but it is more likely due to the large quantity of Gatorade that I have ingested these past few days. While the drink is not high in calories, the sodium content is pretty high (270mg per bottle), and I remember Leslie telling me a few months ago that she was not losing weight when she drank it. If it is the sodium, then tomorrow or Monday I should see a significant loss as that is flushed from my system. I was not terribly put off by the slight gain, but it helps psychologically to know why it happened… and that the effects should only be temporary.

    Yes, I bought an ate a roll yesterday. I am reasonably sure that the ill-effects of my withdrawal symptoms were exacerbated by the fact that there was no solid food in my stomach. Leslie told me that there are serotonin receptors in the stomach, and the food (especially the carbohydrates) would have mitigated at least some of those issues. I remember as a child my mother would always give me dry toast when I had stomach issues (especially diarrhea). Maybe there was something to that. No, I did not have the roll dry, but that’s another story. The fact that I only had a single roll with how I was feeling, and not more and worse foods, is a minor win.

    I slept much better last night than I did the previous two, both because I did not have to get up several times to visit the bathroom and because the discomfort was much less. According to my fitness watch my sleep score was 82 (both with good balance, and a full 7h54 minutes), and my body battery was 43 when I woke up… which is still lousy, but it is still much higher than the 16 that I had yesterday morning. I am still going to take it easy today, but I might get onto the treadmill when I get home… I know that had I tried to exercise yesterday it would have been a total disaster.

    I am nearly finished with my second meal replacement of the day. I am still feeling at least some need to sit on the toilet before I go out, but it is not as pressing as it was so many times yesterday. As I taught last night, I had to keep a ten-minute timer on standby so that if I needed to (as I did twice during my class) I could give the students a break without them not knowing when I would return. Were I teaching today I would be doing the same thing, but if things continue as they have, I doubt I will need to by the time Monday’s class starts.

    I am going to drive to Grimsby this afternoon to pick up a shirt that I ordered. I am excited to see it – while I have a few items with Masonic logos on them, this will be the first that I have with my Lodge’s logo. It is very exciting! Yes, for someone who spent so many years essentially branded by Microsoft, and who later vowed to not be ‘logoed’ anymore, that is weird… but Freemasonry is different. I am not advertising a corporation but am instead proudly sporting the logo of a fraternal organization of which I am proud to be a member.

    Okay, I am going to head out… after a quick (hopefully) stop on the potty. I look forward to no longer needing to plan every trip out of the house around unpredictable bowel movements. I hope that by the time I am back the rain will be in the rearview mirror and that I can once again enjoy relaxing on the balcony with a good book.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 790

    I lost nearly a pound from yesterday, despite some stresses that I will not go into. Yes, I ate more than I should have. I even had a glass of wine with my friend in the evening. Still and all, yesterday was not nearly as bad as the previous day… except for one thing which I will not go into. I am doing my level best to put that stress and anxiety aside until the weekend. I will try to deal with it either Friday evening or Saturday, but I do not want to take it with me to Cuba.

    My weight drop this morning took me back below that abhorrent 280 lbs. mark that I peaked above yesterday. I cannot believe that after all of the work that I did over two years, one terrible, horrible, disastrous occurrence in my life has thus far caused me to gain back forty pounds. I have to get back on track. Ten days in Havana will be the beginning of that; the week that I am back I am going to try to get back onto my extreme program for at least a few days. We’ll see if I can do it. In the meantime, I have to just stop eating so much, and I have to stop making such bad choices. I hope that can stop right now.

    If you are wondering how screwed up I am… I accidentally (and irretrievably) wiped out two hard drives in one of my main systems, which means that when I am back from Cuba, I will have a lot of work to do to recover from. I am trying to start now… but wow, did this screw me up.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 773

    There is a clear rule that I have learned and relearned, and yet I keep faltering on it. When I buy breakfast cereal, I gain weight. I have to remember that it is always bad for me, and that I should never buy it!

    My weight this morning is back to what I weighed the morning I left for Cuba. I have to stop faltering, and I have to learn or relearn that the discipline I once had and seem to have lost these last four months is important to not only my overall health, but also to how I feel about myself, how my clothes fit me, and how I feel when I look at myself in the mirror.

    There will be no more breakfast cereal… and until I am back down another ten pounds, there will be no more bread… and as soon as what I have in the fridge is done, there will be no more yogurts. This week I will start back on the treadmill, although on the nicer days I might even venture outside for my exercise. I find it is easier to push myself to go farther and harder when I walk X kilometres out, and then I have to walk home. When I am on the treadmill I can just stop at any point, and I am immediately home. Yes, I will try to walk outside this week. I have the gear, so why not?

    I have to start reminding myself of something. Every morning, I have to remember to remind myself that What she did to me ended us… but I can and I must and I will go on without her.

    Have a great day folks.