Losing a part of me

Category: Perspective

  • Day 646

    I have not been eating well these last couple of days, but I also have not been gorging myself. As an example: Leslie and I were at breakfast this morning. She ordered off the menu while I opted for the buffet. I went up once, took what I wanted (an omelette, an English muffin with lox and cream cheese, some berries, and a yoghurt), and went back to the table. When that was done, I knew I could have gone to take more. The old me would have done just that. I did not. I was not trying to ‘get my money’s worth’ out of it. I was sated, and although I could have eaten more, I did not need to… and I did not.

    I had two interactions yesterday that gave me pause to think about my life, and I want to share them here.

    The waitress at breakfast yesterday morning (Gladys) was talking to me. When I told her that my bride and I live so far apart she said, ‘That must be so hard.’ I thought for a minute and responded to this effect: “Gladys, I have seen a lot of very difficult and sad things in my life. From your accent I suspect you were born in Cuba which means that you have too. Would I rather live with my wife? Absolutely. With that said, my friends in Cuba who are grateful for the used clothes and half-empty bottles of shampoo and toothpaste I leave for them have a much harder life than I do. My friends and family in Israel who are at war, and the innocent people on both sides of that war have a much harder life than I do. While I do look forward to living with Leslie, I live a life that allows me to pay my rent and my bills and support my children, and I can still afford to fly to Dallas to see her every month. I can afford to eat breakfast in this lovely restaurant and still smoke the cigars that I want. That’s not a hard life… it is simply one that has some challenges and sadness.” She was surprised by my answer because she said that most people – especially her customers who have money and privilege – are seldom grateful for what they have. She is right. I try to be grateful… even though I do not always succeed.

    The second interaction was with a student of mine. He asked me if he could ask a personal question. ‘How do you deal with stress? In your career you have to deal with so much. Does your faith help you to deal? I think it is so difficult to have faith these days… it is almost seen as a weakness to admit you believe in G-d.’ I responded that it helps to put things in perspective, but that my faith was personal, and I have never felt the need to explain it to anyone. I do not shy away from it, and I do not hide it. With that said, I have never cared what others think about my relationship with G-d. As for dealing with stress, it helps to breathe… whether you do so out of religion in prayer, or just as meditation.” It was a deeper answer than that, but that was the gist of it.

    With all that said, I know I am gaining weight this weekend and I know that when we get back to Dallas I will start to get back on track. I am going to live my life, and I am not going to deprive myself of the occasional splurge.

    Oh, and despite that all I ordered two more pair of pants in the 36×32 size… they will arrive Monday!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Know Where To Stick Your Comments

    **This is another article that I wrote during a previous weight loss attempt. It is funny how little editing I needed to do in order to make it apply perfectly to this week, nearly three years later. –MDG

    Has anyone else had it up to here (gesturing just above my head) with people telling you what to do with regard to your weight loss? Is there someone in your life who thinks they know better than you? I suspect we all try to be polite to them, but sometimes it can be too much.

    There was one person that I met recently who fed into my stress. As I said, I have very little patience for people who try to tell me what I should be doing to lose weight… no matter what their intentions are. Yes, they mean well… but do me a favour and keep your opinions to yourself.

    “Mitch, you know that the extra weight you are carrying around is not healthy, right? If you were to do X, you would continue to lose even more weight. You will be so much happier when you do!”

    I usually do not respond when someone opens their mouth like this, but I suppose was having a bad day, and this was just too far. ‘Hey, Fred (not his real name) … thanks for your concern. One of us has lost about 115lbs in the last year, and the other one of us should shut up and save his advice for when I ask for it. Would you care to guess which one of us is which?’

    Yeah, ‘Fred’ was more than a little surprised that I would say that… but really, at this point I think I’ve done pretty well, and that the method I am using is pretty good, wouldn’t you say? If I did not want your advice when I was at my heaviest, what makes you think I would want it now? If you want to offer support, offer words of encouragement. Things that friends have said over the past few weeks:

    • Oh my G-d, Mitch… I cannot believe how well you are doing! Keep it up!
    • Mitch, you look amazing! Keep up the good work!
    • Wow… you are a shadow of your former self!
    • You are a true inspiration to me!
    • Mitch, you look hot!

    All of these are perfectly acceptable (and welcome!) comments. Keep them coming folks!

    The following, on the other hand, are neither helpful nor welcome, and if it is what you were thinking of saying, then just say nothing:

    • You are doing well, but you still have a lot of weight to lose.
    • Mitch, how much more weight do you think you need to lose?
    • If you’d like, I know a doctor with an amazing weight-loss plan that would help you lose the weight even faster!
    • You’ve lost so much weight and still wear a Size 38 pants?
    • You should do X to lose more weight.
    • The program you are following is not healthy, so be careful.
    • If you do not change your habits, you are just going to gain the weight back again.

    Do you see that most of these comments sound like they are meant to encourage me? Some of them are from people who want to help, who think they are helping. Do you know what they all have in common? They are all unsolicited. I can almost guarantee at this point that I know more about weight-loss, but certainly about my own body and weight loss, than you do. I have also spent more time morbidly obese than you have. Please, keep it to yourself.

    I welcome, I love hearing, I love getting words of encouragement. Positive reinforcement is wonderful, and when people tell me how great I look it makes me well with joy. I have figured out what works for me, and that is why I look the way I look now, rather than what I looked like a year (or even three months) ago. Let me keep at it… I assure you I have no desire to ever gain another ounce again. But I have figured out a way to do it without your help, and I am my own harshest critic.

    When I was married to my second wife, I went on a weight-loss program. I asked Theresa (my now ex-wife) to be my Diet Sergeant. For a couple of months, she was… and with her help I did pretty well… until I did not. When I tried to get back on track, I asked her to resume her duties. She told me that it was unfair of me to put that responsibility on her… when no matter how strict she was, I could always circumvent her ‘authority.’ She was right… My diet is just that… mine. The responsibility is mine, and the success or failure of it is mine.

    I am my own harshest critic… in all things, not just the diet program. I beat myself up over it all the time, and nothing that you say will be harsher than what I say to myself. The difference is that I have the right… you do not. My mother used to say that if you have nothing good to say, say nothing. She was the worst offender of this advice that I have encountered in my fifty years on the planet. That does not make it bad advice, it just makes her a hypocrite. If you want to encourage me, say something nice… and completely nice. Be prepared with a follow-up should I be self-deprecating. I’ll give you an example:

    (You) Wow, Mitch… you look like you have lost a ton of weight!

    (Me) Thanks, but it’s just a drop, and I have so much more to go.

    (You) Well you are doing great… whatever it is you are doing, keep it up!

    Do you see how easy that was? On the other hand, the following would be a terrible way to follow up:

    (You) Wow, Mitch… I can’t believe how much slimmer you are than the last time I saw you!

    (Me) Thanks, but I hope the next time you see me I will be even slimmer still.

    (You) Make sure you have the occasional cheat meal, so you do not give up completely. Want to join us for pizza?

    I cheat enough, and I do not need your encouragement or permission. If I tell you I want to lose more weight, just follow up with ‘Well, you are doing great!’ or ‘Whatever you have been doing, keep doing it!’ That’s all I want. That’s all I need. If you cannot say something 100% positive, then don’t say anything.

  • One Pound Lost is Three Pounds of Progress

    A pound is a pound, right? By any definition of weights and measures, one-pound equals sixteen ounces. It is very simple.

    In a recent conversation with a friend who is on the same weight loss program as I am, she told me that she had been disappointed that she was only losing one pound per week… but she was finally at peace with that, knowing that she was sticking to the program religiously. She would have to settle for what she was doing.

    I disagreed with her, much to her surprise. I told her that she had not lost a single pound, she had actually lost three. She – along with the others who were involved in the conversation – looked at me confused.

    Let’s look at the math: Take the number 150. If you weigh 150lbs and you lose one pound, you now weigh 149lbs, right? 150-1=149. That is one pound actually lost.

    Weight loss is extremely difficult. It would have been just as easy for her to have not lost that pound. She would not be 149lbs, but still 150lbs. 149+1=150. That is one pound potentially not lost.

    My friend stayed the course of the weight loss program… but what if she had cheated just a little during the week? Say, rather than having two poached eggs and a salad for breakfast on Saturday, she had instead had the bacon cheese omelet with a side of buttered toast? All of a sudden, instead of losing a pound she would actually have been up a pound. 150+1=151. That is one pound possibly gained.

    Every pound lost – nay, every ounce lost, is not only one ounce closer to your goal, it is one ounce you might not have lost, and in fact you might have instead gained. So in fact, every pound lost is not one pound, rather it is those three pounds – the one actually lost, the one potentially not lost, and the one possibly gained.

    In 1990 Paula Abdul had a hit song called Opposites Attract… ‘I take two steps forward; you take two steps back. We come together ‘cos opposites attract.’ While we may support each other, but dieting is an individual event. There are no opposites; the forward steps are successes; the backward steps are setbacks. Staying in place is the eternal glass-half-full question… did I fail for not losing, or did I succeed for not gaining? It all depends on the individual perspective, but the optimist looks at it as a success and the pessimist sees it as a failure.

    Who is right? Neither is… and both are. We all have different personality types. Some people will see the stagnation as a reason to redouble their efforts. “I stayed where I was, but I am optimistic that if I keep at it, I will get past this plateau.” Some will see it as a reason to quit. “I worked so hard on my diet and stayed the same… I might as well quit.” It is important for the pessimist’s support system to remind them how far he or she has come, and how a plateau is a temporary body adjustment. The optimist, on the other hand, might need to be reminded that too many plateaus might mean they need to make a change – in my case, they might suggest I stop adding milk and sugar to my coffee. The point is that both the optimist and the pessimist are right… and at the same time, both might need encouragement and adjustment.

    Progress is what you make of it, whether it is forward progress or the occasional backward progress. The difference between seeing the one-pound weight loss as ‘I only lost one pound’ and ‘Wow! I lost a pound!’ Can be the difference in the future between long-term success and the alternative. Keeping a positive attitude is so important and can propel a stagnating dieter to ultimate success.

  • Day 48

    “The problem with living outside the law is that you no longer have its protection.” -Truman Capote

    This quote came to me as I was pondering what to write about yesterday. There are two ways to look at yesterday:

    1. It was a total failure… insofar as I ate more than I should.
    2. It was a complete success… I did not eat anything that would be considered verboten.

    Which one is accurate? I don’t know. When I was originally doing the program religiously in Canada, you were allowed to buy enough shakes for the week… and not one more. While there was nothing stopping you from eating other foods off the program, you could have four shakes per day, and that was it. In the US when I was doing the program religiously, I had the option to buy as many products as I wanted… but the cost kept me in line. Now that I am doing a hybrid program, I can allocate X number of meal replacements per day, but I have to self-police with regard to foods not on the program… my salads, my proteins, and so on. I had a day last week when I probably had two more meal replacements than I should have, on top of the salads and proteins.

    Where yesterday was a resounding success is in comparison to the weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday were terrible cheat days – I drove the program right off a cliff, eating chips and fast foods and deep-fried Chinese food smothered in sugary batter. Yesterday I had a shake for breakfast, a salad with a can of salmon on it for lunch, two large pieces of chicken and a salad for dinner, and another shake in the evening. Did I stick to the script? No. Did I drive off a cliff? No. In contrast, I will call yesterday a success.

    There are days when we will fall down. The trick is to get back up again before the ref counts to ten.

    Have a great day folks!