Losing a part of me

Category: Strategy

  • Day 493

    I was bad yesterday, and I paid the price for it this morning. My weight jumped by .6 lb., which made me think about something that I don’t think I had considered for a long time. I have always said that one of the main goals of my extreme weight loss program is to change my unhealthy relationship with food. This morning I had the opportunity to think about some real changes that have happened. I had some snacks yesterday, and I should not have… but I stopped at a single portion of each of those snacks, even though the entire bag or container was available to me. I did not stop because I was ashamed that others would see my gluttonous appetite, I stopped because I knew that I was eating something that is fattening and I wanted to enjoy the taste, but I did not need to overdo it. The second change is that I gained .6 lb. from my cheat, where in the past (when my body was much larger and so were my cheats) I would often gain 3-4 lbs. overnight. I think going forward I will be able to live a life of moderation. That will mean the occasional moderate gain, to be followed on by a moderate loss.

    I should mention, as an asterisk to my weight gain, that I did not move my bowels this morning, and that had I done so my weight likely would have not gone up… although it is unlikely that it would have dropped either.

    I have come to a decision about my meal program. Yesterday morning I weighed in at 250. I have been plugging away at the program for almost a year and a half. I have realized tremendous weight loss and a body transformation that is nothing short of spectacular. I have thought about ‘what’s next’ often and have written about those thoughts in these pages. These next few paragraphs are my current thinking.

    If I were to walk into a bariatric clinic today without any underlying medical conditions, they would not accept me as a patient. They would tell me to eat less (and healthier), they would tell me to exercise more. They might run a battery of tests to make sure that I was not pre-diabetic or that I did not have a thyroid condition, but they would send me home and tell me to lose twenty pounds and then see my family doctor on a regular basis. Even six months ago when I was hovering around the 300 lbs. mark I could not have said that, but that is my new reality. I am absolutely overweight… but I am not in any extreme medical danger from it.

    In addition to that, I know that when I tried to jog last week (while I was on the full-fast program) I was not able to jog as much as I had, and I found myself completely drained the rest of the day – to the point of being unable to function and stay awake. Both of the clinics where I have gone through the program before told me that the full-fast program was not compatible with heavy exercise, and that I would get to a point where I would have to pace myself. I suspect that ketosis is good when your fat stores are plentiful, and your body can burn that for energy. When your body fat is not so high your body can find itself starving for energy, thus the exhaustion. If I had a job where I could take a nap for an hour to recuperate it might be different, but as a teacher I need to be on (and on camera) for the duration of my class. Knowing I have days when I start teaching at 8:30am and end at 9:30pm, I cannot take the chance of falling asleep (or even displaying listlessness).

    With all of that said, knowing that the full-fast program is not a lifetime solution, only an extreme weight loss program, and knowing that such a transition would have to happen at some point anyways, I have decided that now is the time for me to start the transition back onto eating food. This will be a gradual process that I will ease into over the next couple of months. I will start with a single healthy midday meal, while still having the meal replacement shakes for breakfast and for my evening nutrition. I will, over time, ween myself off the meal replacements, until I am eating three healthy meals per day.

    I was going to begin this paragraph with ‘the most important…’ but in reality, there is no single most important factor, rather there are many that I will have to remember. I will have to stay mindful; I will have to watch my weight, and if I see the numbers go up over a day or two then I will have to take the next few days to reverse that trend. I will indeed start ‘counting calories’ which will include weighing my foods and using an app to keep track of what I eat. I will have to make sure I am exercising on a regular basis, whether that is jogging or walking or Taekwondo or whatever else it might be. There are so many things that I am going to have to make sure I never stop doing so that I can continue to lose weight and stay healthy.

    —

    It is a beautiful day out today. My diet buddy came over for coffee this morning. After she left, I had a lovely date with my wife over video chat. Both of these were on the balcony because it is too lovely to stay inside today. My son asked if I would take him for dinner this evening, and I am thrilled to… even though he wants to go for pizza. I checked with his mother, and the place we are going does serve salads, so I do not have to be too bad. Nonetheless, I made sure to eat my midday meal so that I will not be hungry, and therefore tempted to veer from my newly-modified program. I am just thrilled that he reached out to me – that has not happened in a very long time.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 438

    My weight this morning was terrible. I know there are several factors involved, and I also know that I probably overdid it for a few weeks, so this blip (and it will be only a blip) is not going to bother me. I had little sleep, I had a reasonably unhealthy breakfast at the airport, I had a decent lunch, but between this and that, with the snacks I bought for the airplane (and which I had more of with a cigar later), and with the food I ate when I got home (in addition to a bowl of cereal, I also had several slices of dried fruit – and all of that very late at night), it is no wonder that the scale this morning was trying to scare me. Today I will be more mindful, and while I am not going back onto my full-fast, I will be more careful of what (and when) I eat. I am still taking a few days before going back onto my modified program, hoping that a couple of my issues do right themselves. I hope that by the time I get back to Canada they will all be a distant memory, and I can get back to losing weight.

    I did not jog yesterday, but I did decide to walk back to where I am staying from the cigar lounge. It was a 6.5 km walk which is absolutely nothing that would be a problem for me, but I was wearing sandals; even had I not slipped and stepped into a mud puddle reminiscent of the La Brea Tar Pits, I would still have had blisters. As it was, when I got back, I spent ten minutes spraying mud off the sandal… and my foot. I was planning to take a break from jogging for a couple of days, but I still wanted to reach my daily steps goal. I crushed it!

    Today I will not be jogging again, but I am going somewhere later in the day that will, once again, involve a lot of walking… and standing around. I will wear much more sensible shoes today and will take better care. The blisters on my feet are more a nuisance than they are a pain, but if I do not take care of them then I may be taking a longer break from jogging than originally planned.

    My goal is to return to Canada a week from today no more than ten pounds heavier than when I left. As long as I am mindful, I will be fine. If that sounds like a lot, you are right… but when you go from eating no carbs or starches to eating a lot of them, the weight can jump back quickly. Yesterday was a bad day for that, but the rest of the week I will be much more careful.

    Yesterday morning I posted on my Facebook wall before and after pictures, with the following message:

    I want to thank those of you who have offered words of support over my journey. Fourteen months ago I made the decision to stop being fat. I have been overweight since shortly after the Army, and I decided I did not want to be overweight anymore. To all of you with whom I was short when asked about it or offered advice, I am sorry… not sorry. Too many people have offered too many opinions and advice, and none of them are doctors or weight loss professionals.

    To those who want to know how much weight I have lost, the simple answer is that I have lost a healthy buxom supermodel… maybe a little more.

    To those who want to know how I did it, the simple answer is cigars and the flesh of those who thought their unsolicited advice was so necessary to foist on me.

    To those who have been supportive and offered words of encouragement, who have not tried to get me to eat or drink just this once, I thank you.

    To all of you, I love you all. While I have maintained a weight loss blog (that was always openly accessible, but never publicly discussed on open forums, this is the first time I am publicly discussing it and sharing my before and current photos. I say current and not after because I am not done… but it is time.

    I will never offer unsolicited advice, and I know what works for me might not be right for you. But if you want positive support and encouragement from someone who has been there, reach out.

    Picture 1 was taken on January 19, 2022. Picture 2 was taken on March 30, 2023.

    The response from friends and colleagues has been amazing. Now I have to stay like this… or keep getting better.

    Have a great day folks!

  • On My Way… I hope.

    After taking a very dangerous slip at the kerb at the bottom of the stairs from the apartment (from which I recovered unharmed and without falling), I walked to the corner where the Uber was going to be waiting for me. Sure enough, he was late, but that is perfectly understandable. It was not only the walkway that is solid ice – the sidewalks and roads were a solid sheet of ice up until we got onto the PGBT highway. That I had to wait in the ‘cold’ for six minutes was much less an inconvenience than would have been his crashing and not being able to pick me up. The drive to the airport was slower than it ever has been, but again, that was perfectly understandable. Leslie was not kidding when she told me that I might not be able to get to the airport at all! The roads were exactly as bad as she predicted they would be. By the grace of G-d, I arrived safe and sound.

    I checked in with the airline and sailed through security. I was not sure if the weather was going to cause the airport to be a mob scene or a ghost town, so I wanted to arrive as early as I could. That everything went smoothly was great, but that left me a lot of time to sit patiently. I was going to find a Starbucks, but there is another restaurant – Chili’s – across from my gate. Their coffee is just as caffeinated as it is at Starbucks, and the Internet is just as unreliable. The only problem is that I had two hours to kill… with a lot of temptations everywhere I looked.

    Kuchisabishii!

    Leslie and I both have a love of Japanese culture and language. Last night she introduced me to a word I was not familiar with (not surprising, since I do not speak the language). Kuchisabishii (口寂しい)  is defined as ‘When you are not hungry, but you eat because your mouth is lonely.’ How many times have I told her I was going to eat something, and she asked if I was hungry or bored? I think this word is less about boredom and more about loneliness and sadness, but those are two emotions that I a feeling right now as I sit at the airport, less than 2.5 hours from when I hugged my wife for the last time until… when? I do not even know when I will see her again. It is common that we see each other every month, but that is still a month until I can hold her again… and that makes me sad and lonely.

    I have walked through airport terminals on every continent, and without exception there is temptation everywhere you look. Whether I am sitting at Chili’s on my laptop (with the tasty and extremely unhealthy foods that the very nice Darryl will bring me just for asking), or walking through the terminal, there are scores of opportunities to cheat. Would it be so bad? The food would help me to feel a little better, if only for a few minutes. Who would know?

    I would know. My weight loss program is not about show, and lying in my journal would not help me if I stepped onto the bathroom scale tomorrow morning to discover I gained weight because I was weak. As it stands, it is likely that I will have to purchase a snack along the way – either on the airplane or at LaGuardia – because the travel day that was supposed to be a direct flight to Toronto (3.5 hours) is longer than I thought (8 hours from taking off at DFW to landing at YYZ, not accounting for travel to the airport, waiting at the airport, collecting my luggage, clearing Customs, and traveling home). I do not know if the three protein bars that I packed will be enough to get me through. I will try to stay true to my program so that when I step onto the bathroom scale tomorrow morning I will weigh less than I did this morning… even though I spent the day on airplanes and in airports.

    My mouth is bored, sad, and lonely. Frankly, so is the rest of me. I am now sitting at the gate, but Chili’s is only fifty feet away… not to mention the myriad other shops and restaurants that will gladly sell me chips and chocolates and candies and and and… but I am not going anywhere until they call my boarding group. The sign reads that boarding will start in nine minutes, and while I know there are other temptations on the airplane, I am going to stay strong… no matter how bored and sad and lonely my mouth is. I have a protein bar to devour the moment the flight attendant brings me a cup of coffee… and I decline the proffered cookies or pretzels. My mouth might be all of those things, but despite it all I am reminding myself to stay mindful and remember the mission I am on… to lose weight and to keep it off. I cannot do that if I do not stay true to my program. I might, depending on availability, sit down and have a salad at LaGuardia… as long as I can find something that is healthy and nutritious, and not detrimental to my program. That would be the extent of my program deviation… and really, it would not actually be a deviation, as I had always planned to restart my full-fast program tomorrow morning.

    Okay, the gate attendant just announced that boarding will be delayed because the crew is not here yet… but they are on their way from their hotel, so as long as we are not waiting for them on an incoming flight, it should not be too long of a delay. I am crossing my fingers because the longer I am here, the better the chips at the convenience store are looking. G-d give me the strength to get on the plane without testing me too badly.

  • Day 346–New Year’s Eve

    I was hoping that when I stepped onto the scale this morning that I would be in Best Weight Yet territory, but it was not to be. There are two ways to look at where I am right now. I could say that I failed; I wanted to lose one hundred pounds in the calendar year 2022, and I did not accomplish that. Or I could say that I succeeded; Anyone who can legitimately claim a ninety-pound weight loss in a calendar year cannot be a failure. Don’t get me wrong… I know now that I have three weeks to get to the hundred-pound milestone in my complete year on the program, and I have every intention of making good on that.

    These last two months have been replete with stresses and anxieties that have hampered my success. Aside from all of the emotional issues – an extreme hit to my career, the physical separation from my wife – there was also an injury scare (which turned out to be a gout flareup in my right knee), and a soft diagnosis of Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. While both of these are manageable with medications, the realization of just what ADHD does, and how it has impacted me so many times (and never in a good way) over the entire course of my life… that has been hard. I am happy that I am now on track to improve (I am now in my second week of the meds for that), but thinking back to how much it has held me back – the professional setbacks (including this latest one), the friends and loved ones I have hurt or pushed away, the missed opportunities in every aspect of my life – the negative affects of the undiagnosed condition can be attributed to so many things that I have done or not done over the last forty years. All of that has been a real psychological blow, and one that I know has driven me to distraction and despair these last few weeks since the realizations began.

    I have heard many times that when you come to a terrible realization such as this, you can spend a certain amount of time mourning or in despair or whatever, but then it is time to move past it and focus on making things better. I cannot build a time machine and start over. What I can do is figure out how to move ahead now that I am being helped by the medicine. It is only a coincidence that tomorrow is the start of the new year, and a perfect demarcation point to start new things. That includes my diet; tomorrow I will begin to redouble my efforts to lose weight. This plateau will be behind me.

    That is not to say that I plan to cheat today; I am going to Lyle and Dorothy’s house for lunch, and they are making a turkey noodle soup. Knowing Lyle and his recent health scare, it will be very healthy. This evening I will go visit Eduardo for a couple of hours. He was extremely sad that he was going to spend New Year’s Eve all alone, so I will spend a couple of hours smoking cigars with him. Several times he tried to convince me to go for dinner with him, but I stood firm. I am not going out to eat. I will have my turkey soup for lunch, and if I need another meal then I will prepare it for myself. That way I know exactly what it is that I am preparing, and how healthy it is. I should be home by 10:30pm and hope to have a video chat with Leslie… and yes, I will enjoy a cigar on the balcony to ring in 2023.

    Tomorrow is New Year’s Day, and I can only imagine that the gym will be packed with people who made New Year’s resolutions. No matter, I will try to get in for a couple of hours after lunch. I have sufficient stock of chicken and vegetables so that I do not have to go shopping until Monday; I also have my new meal replacement bars which arrived yesterday. They are tasty and satisfying, and even my personal trainer recommends them. In other words, I will not be drawn to cheat because I have everything I need to not cheat. Really, that is what I need to keep reminding myself. I have the tools, so use them!

    I was thinking yesterday about the first time I started on the medically supervised meal replacement program in 2017. The day before I started, my housekeeper was working in my apartment, and I told her to remove every stitch of food from my refrigerator, freezer, and pantries. There was no option o cheat without leaving the house and buying something, which I did not do. The twelve-week program was a resounding short-term success. Of course, we know now that it was a long-term failure, because I gained all of the weight back. I have discussed in this journal many times how I feel that my hybrid program which allows for one proper meal per day has a better chance for long-term success. I have to remember that may be true, but that also means that I have to have food in the house, which means that I am bound to be tempted. Yes, I have cheated plenty this year. Not only have I had food at home (and sometimes the wrong foods), I have also gone to plenty of restaurants. I take my son (the younger) for dinner or breakfast or lunch every couple of weeks, but I have also gone out with Leslie and with friends in that time. While these outings may have hampered my short-term success, I think they have actually helped my prospects for long-term success. I have eaten out… but when I go to a restaurant, I consider the foods I choose more carefully. Whenever possible, I look at the nutritional values of the menu items. That is something I never really did before.

    Thinking back, I suspect that this is the year that I have sat alone in restaurants the least. That is something I have a long history of. While some people consider it a stigma, I have always enjoyed sitting in a restaurant alone, either reading a book, watching TV on my tablet, or just watching people. I remember doing that as far back as the Army (where my wife would not be surprised to learn that I had ‘collected’ a waitress at Planet Hollywood in Tel Aviv). In 2022, I have eaten at restaurants alone… but mostly when I was traveling, mostly to Montreal. With that said, I have probably cooked for myself more meals this year than any previous year of my life… including the years when I was dirt poor and should not have been wasting money on restaurants. That is a huge triumph. I have to remember one of the few lessons from my mother that rings true – eating at home is always healthier than eating out… and is almost always cheaper. Long after I have lost all of my weight, when I am finally at my goal body size, I will have to remember this. It is not only healthier but much cheaper to shop and cook than it is to order off a menu. (Of course, I still eat most of my meals alone, and I almost always do so with a book or my tablet. Some things don’t change!)

    This is traditionally the time of year to reflect on things past, and to consider how to make things better going forward. I consider that a terribly unhealthy way of improving. My e-mail signature has the Japanese word Kaizen at the bottom, which means ‘Continuous improvement.’ That means that you can make small improvements and adjustments every day without worrying about having to make huge ones in one giant lump. With that said, by some coincidence of timing I am making a few changes around this time of year. I do not simply mean that I am getting back on track with my diet tomorrow; I joined the gym in November but have not gone steadily. That has to change now, and the fact that three huge excuses are behind me means that I can do it. I added a daily calendar reminder for myself and will follow through. In the second week of 2023 I am starting work for a training company that I think I taught for a couple of times over a decade ago, but they want to have me working more and more this year (and we already have $15,000 worth of contracts signed). There are a couple of other training vendors which I will be working with, but these guys seem to be my best bet. Until I can actually get a job (long story), these contracts are how I earn a living. I love teaching, even though there are some days when I feel like I am done with it. Chances are, that will never really be the case. I started taking my ADHD medications only ten days ago, so that is another huge change around the same time of year… but that coincided with my diagnosis, and its timing relative to the calendar is coincidental.

    One last change that I am glad I was able to get in for 2022… This morning I put on my new Size-40 pants, and they fit comfortably, they do not feel too tight, and I am really pleased by that. I remember too often in the past I would down-shift to a lower pants size too soon, and I would end up with split pants. There is no indication in the fit of these that will be a concern. I have been wearing Size-40 jeans for the last month, so I do not know why I did not think to try this sooner. The fact that Day One of the new size is Day Last of the year is, again, coincidental… but it is one last non-scale victory for the old year.

    Okay, I suppose it is time for me to head on out. Lyle and Dorothy will be waiting for me around 11:30am, and I do not like to be late. I will see if Charlie wants to play with Princess Sophie, because I know that she will not want to come with me because of the weather. I have a bottle of wine to bring for them, which I cannot forget. I’ll press ‘Publish’ on this piece, then I will wrap the bottle and head out. The next time we meet, it will be the new year.

    Have a great day folks… and Happy New Year!!

  • La Plus Ça Change…

    I do not remember what diet I was on six years ago, but according to my Facebook Memories, I must have been doing pretty well. This was, of course, six months before I started on my first medically supervised meal-replacement program at the bariatric clinic in Hamilton. I do know that I posted the following on Facebook six years ago today (November 5, 2016):

    To my friends and acquaintances who have commented on my weight loss:

    1. Thank you for noticing. I am not talking about it, but I am working very hard to lose weight.
    2. How much I have lost is none of your business. If I do not offer it, please don’t ask.
    3. How much I weigh is none of your business. If I do not offer it, please don’t ask.
    4. How much I weighed when I started is REALLY none of your business. I will not offer it, please don’t ask.
    5. If you have noticed that I am losing weight, please do not suggest ways for me to lose weight. What I am doing is apparently working for me, and I am going to continue to do it my way until such time as it stops working for me… at which point I will consult with the people (professionals) who have guided me thus far and will work out other stratagem. If I have not asked your advice, please accept that I do not want it… regardless of how pure and noble your intentions are.

    That is all.

    I see that several things have not changed since then… and a few things have. For one thing, I am talking about it… or at least, I am writing about it. To date, I have written some 240,000 words about it in this journal, which is transferred daily to my blog. I do not know whether that is to inspire others, or just as a cathartic exercise to put my thoughts into some sort of order, or just to keep me on track and accountable. I do know that my blog currently has about 125 subscribers, and it gets between three and thirty hits per day. I am glad that someone is reading it… but I also suspect that I would write it even if nobody ever did.

    My attitudes about other aspects of my progress have not changed much. I do not want anyone’s unsolicited advice. While I have started writing it recently, for the first seven or eight months I did not mention (on the blog) what I weigh. These numbers were, of course, kept in the journal to track progress. Until very recently they were never shared.

    It is amazing that so many people have so much advice to offer about how to lose weight. I wonder how many of those can say that they have lost ninety pounds. Thanks for your advice… I’ll file it with the rest of the unsolicited crap I get in the post.

    For a couple of years before I moved to Israel, I coached high school basketball. I had a lot of fun with that, even though in hindsight I was not very good at it. In my last year of coaching girls, I remember a game which we were winning. We were doing really well. I had the girls playing a zone defense, and we were shutting down the opposition. At halftime, someone told me that we were not supposed to be playing zone but had to switch to man-on-man. I do not remember the details, but I remember in the locker room telling the girls to shift from one to the other. We came out for the second half, and we lost the game by ten points. It was not because man-on-man is better or worse than zone, it was because we changed our strategy mid-game… and we blew it.

    Every winning coach has a different strategy to win, and while some of them are similar, some are quite different. I remember hearing somewhere that the hardest thing to do in sports is to go into the locker room at halftime of the Super Bowl and change the strategy that worked for you all year but is not working anymore. There will come a time I am sure when I am forced to re-evaluate my plan because it stopped working. In fact, that has already happened twice. I had been having two meals per day, and I switched to one meal per day. I was having my meal in the evening, but then shifted to eating it at lunchtime (when my schedule allowed for it).

    My point is this: while I am losing weight, why would I try to change what is working for me? It is not like the people who are spewing advice at me are saying ‘Oh, I am sorry to hear that your weight loss has stalled or plateaued… maybe this will help?’ They are usually saying ‘Hey, you are losing weight? Great… this is a better way to lose weight.’ Really? You don’t say? Thanks for your garbage advice. Have a nice day.

    While my program is working, I am going to keep on it. If you are offended that I am not telling you about it, that is just something you are going to have to learn to live with. I am sure your way of doing things might work… but my way of doing things works too. In fact, it is working, and I will keep at it until I decide to change. I am not going to change my strategy that is obviously working because you feel that your way is better. I am sure your way is better for you. My way is what is best for me for now.

    Just to be clear, the answer is NO. When the time comes when I decide to change my strategy, I will not go looking for the advice of everyone who thinks they know best. You may be surprised by this, but I did not come up with the current strategy off the top of my head. It was not delivered on tablets from Mount Sinai. I came up with it by taking the advice of many medical professionals, at least some of whom know more about weight loss than do my friends the accountants, marketing professionals, bankers, and brokers. Thank you, I will continue to let you all handle my finances, marketing, and banking. I will continue to seek their advice about my health.

    I know that the above paragraph is going to incense somebody who thinks the entire medical field is a giant scam to push pharmaceuticals on their patients. I can assure you that over the past 290 days that I have been on my weight loss journey, no drugs have been involved. Also, I trust my doctor. Also, I think most conspiracy theories are stupid.

    To those of you who might ask what I am doing to lose weight safely? I encourage you to read my blog from the beginning. For those of you who want to give me advice about how to lose weight? I encourage you to pick up a book, turn on the television, or go for a walk. Do anything but give me weight loss advice. Trust me, I’ve heard it all before, and I have picked a strategy that works for me.