Losing a part of me

Category: Stress

  • Day 1247

    I was not in much of a mood to write yesterday, which is almost a shame, seeing as I had my second straight night of good sleep with a >80 sleep score. It is a pity that the streak could not be extended to three days, but despite registering over eight hours of sleep, the score was down to a 68… probably owing to the two or three periods of my lying awake and unable to drift back into dreamland. I was in my head about so many things… but none of them would surprise either me or anyone who has been privy to my thoughts and despair and anxieties these last three months.

    I had a dream last night that one of the issues that has been weighing on me was resolved. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and almost everything else started to fall into place. After I woke up needing to visit the little boys’ room, I got back into bed luxuriating in the feeling… which unfortunately I did while awake. Sigh.

    A buddy was supposed to come over for brunch, but that is now up in the air until he confirms if his honey-do list is complete. It seems a kitchen appliance might need to be replaced making the list one complicated item longer than he thought. No worries, no stress.

    In the meantime I also have a meeting in a few minutes, after which I will decide what the rest of my day will look like. I will probably spend most of the day working.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1203

    I finally got some sleep last night. I do not know what time I closed my eyes, but I probably got eight solid hours. It was magnificent. It was luxuriant. It will not happen again this week because today and Friday I have my evening classes to teach, and tomorrow evening I have my Lodge. At least I was able to get some rest to catch up. My body really needed it.

    While rest is restorative, I am still in a bad place psychologically. I do not know what to do.

  • Day 1187

    For the first time in years my rage erupted yesterday. I have been doing everything I can to keep myself in check, and while I have not always made the right decision, I have nevertheless been able to remain composed. Yesterday afternoon, shortly after I pressed publish on my very short journal entry, I got frustrated with a mouse and smashed it to the floor. I have been trying to keep my emotions in check, but the demon came out of me for a minute. My friend, who was sitting at my kitchen table and watching it happen, was probably more than a little shocked. He asked if I wanted to talk but I said that I did not. Shortly afterwards I walked out to go to dinner with other friends.

    I was not going to go for dinner last night because I was feeling so distraught. I went partly because the alternative was staying home and having to talk about it with my buddy, partly because I knew that the friend with whom I was having dinner is a mental health advocate and if I did want to talk he would be a good listener, but mostly because I knew his wife was preparing dinner based on my dietary requirements and I did not want to cancel at the last minute. During the drive down there, I was able to try to get my emotions in check, and while I am still feeling like total garbage, I am at least back to being somewhat functional.

    It is funny that my head and heart are so completely asunder, and yet my friend and his wife are turning to me to help them. I feel like I am a complete fraud. There is an old saying that therapists need more help than anyone. Maybe right now I am qualified. Who knows? I am probably an idiot for trying.

    It is hard for me to admit but I am in a disastrous place in my life, and I do not know how I will be able to go on. I am told I need to lose weight, which I want to do, but I also feel like I am losing everything and there is nothing good in my life and that drives me to eat. I do now know how or if I will get out of it, but I am not hopeful. At this point I wonder if…

    Hopefully I’ll be a little less miserable tomorrow. I can’t imagine why that would be, but here’s hoping.

  • Day 1186

    I am still where I was yesterday. Emotionally distraught. I am a real mess. I am going to see some friends in Grimsby for dinner and to break my Passover after sundown. I just wish…

  • Day 1183

    I did a good deed today. I felt like I needed to because maybe that would pull me out of my sorrow and stupor. I am very happy that I did it… but I am still hip-deep in sorrow. At least the wind has finally abated.

    One of my Lodge brothers texted me out of the blue yesterday and asked if I was free for breakfast Friday (tomorrow). I told him I was, but because of Passover I cannot go to any restaurant. He and another are going to come here, and I will make them a traditional Passover breakfast… one that I made last year for Leslie (much to her delight). I hope it works out. I truly do not feel like seeing people right now, but I know I cannot allow myself to settle into an abyss because it will just keep getting worse.

  • Day 1176

    Yesterday was another emotional rollercoaster. I loved teaching in person, but I am still in all kinds of agony about other things that I do not care to go into. It has been over a week since I got the news, and I am still reeling from it. Despite getting to bed at a reasonable hour last night (I finished teaching, as usual, around 10:15pm, and my lights were off by 11:00pm) I did not fall asleep until nearly 2:00am. For the second night in a row my sleep score was 65. I really have to get that sorted if I am going to be of any use to myself or to anyone.

  • Day 1173

    My sleep was worse last night than I can remember it being. I finally fell asleep around 12:45am, and my eyes popped open at 3:05am. Thankfully I was able to have a nap in the morning… albeit a short one. Add to that, I was unable to move my bowels, and my weight loss streak came to an ignominious end.

    I am still exhausted beyond belief. Hopefully I can take another nap before my class this evening.

  • Day 1172

    Over a two-week period, I gained ten pounds. I have now lost that weight again, but I have a very long way to go. After four straight days of weight loss, this morning I was expecting to see a bad number on the bathroom scale; instead, my streak extended to five days. It was a relief indeed, but I hope that I can keep it up.

    I did not sleep well again last night. Friday night I slept marvelously, and my sleep score was 89. Last night my sleep was quite fitful, and my score was down to 65. How lovely would it be to have a long streak of great sleep? I am not holding my breath. Hopefully when I am able to start exercising again, I will be able to see some improvement.

    It was nice to sit with my lodge brother last night for dinner and a cigar. He is a mental health care advocate, and he knows a lot of what I am going through. While he cannot actively help me, at least he can listen. I know that he cares. He told me last night that I am not alone. If I were always among friends then it might feel that way, but as I lie in bed at night, awake, with only my wonderful doggie to keep me company, it is hard to remember that there is anyone in the world who really cares.

    Nobody knows what the future will bring, but I am hoping that things will be better. It is hard to see it from where I am… but I must hope.

    With Passover starting a week from today, and with the first Passover Seder next Saturday, I am tempted to make a pot of chicken soup with matzah balls for the week. I will decide shortly, but the idea of not having chicken soup with matzah balls during Passover is completely anathema to me. Even last year, when I was helping Leslie with an untenable situation that had us staying in a hotel for safety concerns, I found some to keep things normal. This year… well, I might drive into Hamilton to see if there is a Jewish deli that sells it and if not? Yes, I will make a pot. I suppose that will be one of my tasks for the day. Tracking down soup for Pesach. While it is not terribly fattening, it is very salty, so I will be retaining water for a few days.

    Also in advance of the holiday I am having my cleaning lady come in tomorrow to clean the place up. I do a decent job of keeping it neat, but I am woefully inadequate with certain aspects that she just does better. It will be nice to have a clean house for the holiday… even though from Tuesday through Saturday I will be away.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1171

    I am not having an easy time of it emotionally. I am doing my best to stay focused, and I am trying my best to stay on track with my program. It is mostly working, and my weight continues to drop day over day. I am seven pounds lighter than I was on Tuesday, but that still has me at a terrible number. The fact that my world seems to be falling apart around me does not make it easy to stay on track.

    I am looking ahead at the week, and I know that I will be in a hotel from Tuesday through Friday, and then Friday evening is my lodge’s banquet, and then Saturday evening is the first Passover seder. While I was hoping to be below 300 lbs. in time for the banquet that is not realistic, but I am hoping to at least continue to lose weight through my three days on the road. I know, it is strange that I will be ‘on the road’ in the same city, but that is the way it is when you live in a city this big.

    I have been taking it easy today, but in a couple of hours will head down to Grimsby to see a couple of friends.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1170

    Yesterday was hard for a few reasons, but I still managed to make slight progress with my weight this morning, dropping another few ounces according to the bathroom scale.

    My stress and anxiety are nearly crippling me right now but I have to get through. I have too many things I need to do and too many people I do not want to disappoint. If I were to disappear it would leave a heavy burden on those that I love so I am going to keep struggling through.

    I am not suicidal. There is a difference in my mind between wishing I was gone versus actively thinking of making myself gone. I will not harm myself. I will not carelessly put myself in harm’s way. I am just really struggling right now, and the only reason I can think of to stick around is to clear up my messes so that they do not become a burden to others. I am hurting, and I feel completely alone.