Losing a part of me

Category: Support

  • Day 399

    I was expecting this morning to fall slightly back in the comparative number from 2020 because back then, following my return from Las Vegas, I dropped 2.2 lbs. the following morning. An unexpected massive drop of the same number from yesterday kept me on pace, and while I know that will fall off somewhat tomorrow (I had two straight days of that same pace in 2020, followed by two days of terrible gains), it will level out Friday.

    After taking HRF Princess Sophie out for thirty seconds this morning (she hates snow and freezing rain), I prepared my shake and my coffee, and I sat down at my computer as I always do. I was midway through the first sentence of the first paragraph when I realized that I had a doctor’s appointment! I locked my computer, put the remainder of my morning shake into the fridge, and headed out the door. I honestly did not know what the shake would taste like when I got home, but it was not bad. It was not as good as it usually is freshly blended, but it was drinkable.

    On Monday I wrote that I was hoping to drop at much as 4 kg from two weeks ago. I dropped 3.4 kg, and am not disappointed by that… especially when I think back on the Great Nachos and Salsa Debacle.

    Both the doctor and nurse are extremely pleased by my progress. The doctor asked me what I have been doing, and I told him about how I adjusted my program. Remember that he had not seen me since January 18, and I have lost 8 kg in that five-week period. I told him that with the exception of my trip to Dallas, I have been on the full-fast program, and that even when I was in Dallas, I was able to maintain and even lose weight. He is extremely happy to see me doing so well. We discussed BMI, and I told him that mine was currently measured at 35.4, which means that another .5 drop will have me in Obesity Class I.

    We discussed several other issues, including the difficulties of the long-distance issue. I told him that things are looking rosy in every aspect of my life right now. I also told him about one conversation that Leslie and I had just yesterday, that will need much further discussion. More on that in a minute.

    I am not stupid. I told the doctor that I have started jogging, and that I have been out four times in the past ten days. I told him that so far, the jogging has not affected my knee at all, and that my issues when lying down are the same – no better, but certainly no worse. He told me that it was more important now to do the imaging for it, and I went downstairs after we were done to finally have that done.

    He asked me why I prefer to jog over a brisk walk. I told him with a grin that I am a soldier, to which he replied, ‘Yes… but you are an older soldier with a lot more weight than you once carried.’ I then told him my real reasons, which are a lot more practical. Ten minutes earlier, his nurse had measured my resting heart rate at 62 bpm, which is even higher than what my fitness watch usually measures it at. It has always been so… even my commanding officers joked that I was truly cold-blooded. The point is that it takes a lot to get my heart rate up. A brisk walk might get my heart rate up to 140 bpm (I took a moment to look back, and my average heart rate during an 8.5 km walk in September was 125 bpm). On Monday’s jog, I see that my heart rate was 164 by the end of the first kilometre, and steadily climbed to 180 throughout the rest of my jog. The higher the heart rate, the higher the metabolism, the more fat burned. That’s why I jog. He was convinced but told me that we are going to keep an eye on my knee, and if it starts to get worse then I am going to have to cut back. I agreed.

    The conversation that Leslie and I had that I told him about was what will maintenance look like? At what point will I say to myself and to my doctor that, ‘I do not need to lose any more weight, because I am happy with where I am.’ From there, Leslie asked me to start thinking about how she can best support me when I am there. For example, was this program something that I could go back onto if I gain weight again? Could I just decide at any time to do it for 6-8 weeks? I told her that yes, I could do it any time I needed, but that I hoped that I would never let myself go to a point where I would need to do it for that long. I do not know what my ideal weight will be, but I know that whatever size clothes I fit into at that point will be the size that I want to wear the rest of my life. I doubt then that gaining more than ten pounds would be comfortable. These are conversations that Leslie and I will continue to have, but the truth is that until I am there, I do not know where there will be… and so I cannot be sure how she will best be able to support me. The fact that she is asking though means the world to me.

    —

    I honestly do not understand why some people join Facebook support groups for weight loss, unless it is just to brag about how well they are doing, and to make themselves feel better when they talk down to others. The interaction:

    Original Post: Second time around and I can’t find myself to stick to it… clip_image002…I need encouragement or a support buddy.

    Response: How do you suppose an Internet support person can change your behavior? This is your journey, your call. If you can’t do it admit it and try later when you ready.

    My response: that is extremely short-sighted and just bad advice. I have supported several people through their journeys. They cannot change your behaviours, but they can be there for you to talk you through challenges, they can help get you back on track when you falter, and they can celebrate your successes. If you think weight loss is just about doing it alone then why bother with support groups at all? Why is it that so many clinics that use <The program> require regular meetings and support sessions? Do you really believe that THEY cannot change your behaviour, so they must be useless? Come on… 95% of this journey is psychological and knowing that you are not alone is a HUGE support.

    I then reached out in a private message to the original poster and wrote:

    I am begging you to ignore the TERRIBLE and completely counter-productive advice of <Response>. diet buddies and supporters are HUGELY important and beneficial, and it is not JUST about accountability. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ignore her and find someone that you can have regular check-ins with, as well as being able to call them when you are weak.

    There is a weight loss support group in Toronto that used to advertise on the radio, and they ended all of their commercials with the tag, ‘If you could do it alone, you’d have done it already.’ How true is that? Yes, there are people out there who are going to be able to lose as much weight as they want, and they are going to do it on their own. I have tried and failed many times, and I have spoken to so many people over the years who are in the same boat as I am. In 2020 I organized a number of support groups where we would have our weekly check-in meetings and discuss our successes and our failures. We would learn from each other, and we would lean on each other when we felt weak. We would celebrate and commiserate. One of the women I met in one of those groups is my diet buddy today, and she and I are helping each other once again. We both failed in 2020, but in 2022-3 we are succeeding, and we check in with each other on a weekly basis. We also call or text each other when we feel weak. There have been several times one or the other has texted and said ‘HELP! This is what I’m facing!’ The other would always talk them down from the desire to cheat.

    —

    The weather will be getting progressively worse over the next few days. Even during the drive home from the doctor’s office, it was snowing. The temperatures were a little below freezing. We are under a freezing rain warning, which is never pleasant. While I might go to the gym today, knowing what the driving could be like this afternoon I am going to take a wait and see approach to that.

    I do have a lot of work to do today, both studying and preparation. I am trying to build my virtual environment to be able to do every demo that I want for my classes, but also so that I can have every tool that I might need to prepare myself for my own certifications. It is not easy, but I am up to the challenge. One more thing that the doctor and I discussed today was the dosage of my medications. I told him that most days I am okay, but there are still days when I cannot focus at all. I told him that if it’s okay, I would like to give this dosage two more weeks, and then re-evaluate then. He thought that was a good idea, but told me that if we need to, he is not opposed to increasing my dosage. I will see how that is in two weeks… the day before I fly back to Dallas. I am truly so excited about that trip that it has the potential to be all-consuming… but I am trying to be calm!

    My plan for today for activity will depend on the weather, but for food it is simple… stay the course. There is no reason for me to fall off when I have been doing so well! It is amazing to think that I have lost over 17 lbs. since January 27, the second day of my last trip to Dallas, which is twenty-five days ago. I know that pace will not continue as I lose more weight, but it is still encouraging.

    Tomorrow is Day 400 of my weight loss journey, and I have lost an absolutely astonishing 30% of my body weight. Yes, I have lost 119 lbs. in that time, and I am just amazed by those numbers. If I lose another 30% of my body weight then I will weigh under 195 lbs., which is a weight that I simply do not remember… ever. I do not know what I weighed during the Army, but I remember clearly standing on a scale a year prior to my conscription (when I was living on the kibbutz) and weighing 100 kg… 220 lbs. I was a completely different person with a very different body back then, so whether I could get below that is possible but another unknown. I only have to lose another 20% of my current body weight to get back to that number, and I look forward to seeing what I look like then… and then evaluating if I want to lose any more. If I get there, that will account for about a total drop of 43% of my original weight… and I will not be unhappy with that!

    Stay on track, stay mindful. Whether or not I exercise, I will not cheat. If 220 lbs is my ultimate goal, then I am just over 55 lbs. from reaching it. In the meantime, looking at my short-term goals from just a couple of days ago, I am one pound from dropping below 275 lbs. before I see my tailor next Thursday, which means that unless I fall off the wagon into a vat of Buffalo wings, then I will achieve that goal easily. I am 3.4 lbs. from dropping to my lowest weight from 2017, which at an average of .4 lb. per day I will achieve by next Thursday as well. Lastly, I am 5.8 lbs. from dropping below 270 lbs. before I fly to Dallas in fifteen days… which means that if I lose an average of .4 lb. per day, I will do it. At the rate that I have been losing weight over the past few weeks, I know that I can do it all… as long as I stay on track and stay mindful.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 398 (The Real One)

    Somehow, I did it again. I noticed yesterday that I had missed a day. I went back and fixed it in the journal, and later today I will take care of it in the online blog. I have no idea how tired I must have been to just skip a number. Sure enough, both my on-line and off-line entries skipped from Day 385 to Day 387. I’ll fix it today, I promise. Sheesh!

    When I set out for my jog yesterday, I was not sure if I would be able to push myself farther than I did last week. After the previous Sunday’s outing when I was able to jog the first 3km of my route, I was hoping to improve upon that two days later. I could not. I set out on much the same path as I had that day, hoping. After the first kilometre I was unsure if I would even make it to three kilometres.

    If there is one thing they teach you in the Army, it is a drive to push yourself. When I hit the 3km mark I decided to try to make it just a little bit farther… maybe 3.2km, maybe 3.5. I was shocked when I made the turn off of Appleby Line onto Upper Middle, still jogging. The pace for the last two kilometres was as unimpressive as they come, but I logged 4km at a trot, and I am taking that as a win. I stretched the remaining route home into a 3km walk and felt good when I got into the shower a few minutes later.

    One of the women I am trying to support through her journey and I spoke after I got home, and she asked if I felt that jogging sped up the weight loss process. I told her that I do not know, and that it certainly did not prevent a nearly two-pound gain after my run-in with the nachos and salsa last weekend, but other than that, I know that even if it does not help, it certainly does not hurt! It is unfortunate that this morning, after a very good jog and not a bit of cheat, my weight was still up more than half a pound. It is frustrating, but I know it is the downward trend that matters so much more than the individual points on a graph. I also know that I was not able to have a successful bowel movement this morning, which might have made at least a bit of a difference. Tomorrow is my official weigh-in at the doctor’s office, and I am hoping for another good loss… 3.5kg would be huge.

    I am on this giant push to get to my best weight ever. I want to weigh less than I remember myself ever weighing. I want to be in better shape than I have been since I was in the Army, although I know that there is no amount of weight loss or exercise that will ever help me get back into that shape again. I just want to be the best me that I can be. My email signature has the Japanese word kaizen at the bottom, which means constant incremental improvement. I do not have to make huge, giant leaps… I need to make small improvements day after day.

    Getting through class last night was harder than usual. I am not sure that is not because I jogged in the afternoon but did not increase my caloric or nutritional intake. I did not even make myself a cup of tea during the class, which means that my total caloric intake for the day was about 910 calories (between the three cups of coffee I drank I probably had a third of a cup of cashew milk between them, which would be about 8 calories), but I did not have my final meal replacement until after class, which meant that I was working on 685 calories; between the three activities I logged during the day (walking the dog, jogging, then walking) I burned 1055 calories. I doubt anyone will be surprised that I was a little light-headed by the time we took our mid-evening break. I thought about drinking my shake then but decided against it. I did drink a couple of large cups of water throughout the evening, which helped me to get through the class.

    I was exhausted by the time I finished, happy to have my evening meal replacement… which I ate far too late, and which might just be a contributing factor to this morning’s weight gain. I got into bed and spoke with Leslie for a bit, comforted by her beautiful smile and the sound of her voice. I am losing weight for myself first and foremost… but when she tells me about improvements she sees in me – even over the tiny screen of the phone – it always makes me smile. I feel ridiculous saying that when I arrive there is to be a full eighteen pounds lighter than the day I left there, an insignificant loss… when I know that eighteen pounds in thirty-six days comes out to an incredible half-pound-per-day lost. Were I to maintain that pace, I would weigh 210 lbs. by my birthday, and I would let Leslie take me out for a cheat meal without worrying about counting carbs and sugars. Maybe for my 52nd birthday we can do that.

    I am driving into Toronto today for two reasons. I will pick up my meal replacements, and I am helping a community organization with some computer issues they are having. I am happy to volunteer to help them, as long as they understand in advance that my visit is a one-time deal. I know they pay a consultant to maintain their systems, and I have never yet walked into an organization like this one where there was not a board member who ‘knows someone who works in IT’ and who makes sure that person – either a friend or a relative – gets the paid work. They can call someone like me in to advise on more complicated issues, but if I was expecting to be paid for it, I would be holding my breath for a long time… and if I was expecting them to say ‘Oh my G-d, Mitch… you are definitely better than this than our board member’s friend… we are going to fire him and hire you!’ then I might as well expect them to send a unicorn-drawn chariot to collect me. No, today’s efforts will be a one-off, and if they have the wherewithal to give me a charitable donation receipt for my work then I’ll be happy to put that against my taxes.

    I will stay on course today. I may be driving into the city to pick up my meal replacements, but I do not want to have to open the sealed box to take from there. I will bring two meal replacement pouches with me, along with my shaker bottle. How ironic would it be if I were to fall off the program because I went to get my shakes and was not prepared? No, that will definitely not happen to me. Not today. Preparedness and mindfulness will win the day. I am sure the nurse who works at the clinic will talk with me for a bit; she is very nice and chatty. If she asks, I can honestly tell her that since I saw her last on January 16, I have lost nearly seventeen pounds, and since my first day on the full fast, meal replacements only program (January 11) I have lost over 23 lbs., which comes to an average of just over .5 lb. per day. If anyone wants proof that this program works, they can just ask me! Of course, I will also tell her that includes a week in Dallas on my modified program, which makes the pace even more amazing.

    The forecast for the rest of the week does not look jogging-friendly, so tomorrow I am going to go to the gym. For two reasons, today will not be a good day for me to get out and exercise, either outside (and it should be a nice day for the morning at least) or at the gym. I have to go into the city, but also, I want to give my body a rest after yesterday’s jog. I know that last week after I jogged two days in a row, I really felt it in my quadriceps for a few days. Taking a break between outings might go a long way to preventing or at least minimizing that. If it does not, then at least I will know.

    Stay on track. Stay mindful. Succeed. That is the order of the day! Tomorrow morning, I will be seeing the doctor who will be happy to see that I continue to make progress. I suspect that if not this time, then one day over the next few visits he is going to start asking me about my plans for long-term sustainability. Platitudes like ‘mindfulness and vigilance’ are great mantras for me to follow, but at the same time I also know that they are just that, and I will have to start planning for a future which includes food… hopefully healthier foods and smarter quantities of it, but food, nonetheless. I expect he will be encouraged (as am I) by my ability to spend a week in Dallas and actually lose weight on the modified program… but what about when the program is completely over? How will I structure my meals and my meal planning? Will I have to go straight to the Internet whenever someone asks me to meet them at a restaurant? Will I be checking the nutritional values of every meal option, weighing the pros and cons? Will I ever be able to sit down at a restaurant, look at the menu and just say ‘what am I in the mood for today?’ Probably not. I am an addict, and an addict who lets himself go just a little can fall off that cliff. I suspect that app that I use that lets me know the nutritional values of every meal and every morsel will be a permanent part of my life. It is a small price to pay to get slim and to stay slim.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 395

    Holy crap it is cold outside. Knowing that the forecast high is well above the freezing mark, I was not expecting the biting wind and cold of -8°, with the wind chill making it feel ten degrees colder. Princess Sophie, lower to the ground where I suppose the wind is not so harsh, was happy to go for the full turn through the park, which meant that I did get over 2,000 steps in before my coffee, and it also meant I was quietly thanking G-d for the wonderful scarf that Leslie knit for me last year. Even through my leather gloves my fingers were chilled. Nevertheless, I am Canadian born and bred, and I knew to dress properly for this February morning, and aside from my digits, the only discomfort I felt was to the only exposed part of my body… my face.

    I met my goals yesterday. I stayed on track. Save for a single sugar-free lozenge during class, I did not veer from the program. I remember writing yesterday, the words still on the screen if I look at the last paragraph in this immense journal, that I would drop below the 280-pound mark in the next couple of days. I did not have to wait any longer than that; when I stepped off the bathroom scale this morning, I could hardly believe my eyes, but after re-checking it several times, the numbers read 279.8 lbs. As an added bonus (but wait… there’s more!) my body mass index (BMI), that measurement that earlier this week I railed against, dropped below 36. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (www.cdc.gov), I am about 7.5 lbs. away from dropping out of Obese Class II into Obese Class I. That precise milestone happens to coincide with another upcoming milestone, which is my best weight from 2017. I have added that as a note on my comparative chart from 2020, which this morning has me 1.2 lbs. better than I was on the corresponding day from that year (Day 16 of my comparison), although that is not entirely accurate, as I was in Las Vegas at the time, as I would be through Day 19.

    I have written before that setting short-term goals is one of the keys to long-term success because they give you something to reach for that is not years away but can be reached within a reasonable period. If I were only looking eighteen months ahead then in the grand scheme of things, why would it matter if I took one day off? With short-term goals, I know that last weekend’s failure with the nachos and salsa delayed today’s milestone by four or five days. I did not cheat again during the week (although that latté also slowed my progress), and I got here. When I started out, the idea of losing the 115 lbs. that I have so far lost was impossibly distant… so I set goals for 20, 40, 80, 100, 120, 140, and 170 pounds. I also set milestones at every 10 pounds, and several other benchmarks along the way. I have strived to reach those… and I have celebrated both the scale- and non-scale victories. Without setting short-term goals, I do not know if it would be possible for anyone to achieve that long-term success. Hitting milestones feels wonderful, and it is these short-term victories that spur us on to not cheat today.

    At the same exact moment that I was about to step onto the bathroom scale, I noticed a text message on my phone from a woman that I am trying to support through her weight loss journey. Through no fault of her own, she ran into a huge obstacle on her journey, and she was desperate to figure out how to handle it. I called her, and we spoke at length about different ways she could get past it. We also discussed how she should start making small lifestyle changes that will increase her chances for success by limiting her exposure to temptations. I have said since the first time I started this program in 2017 that I was lucky that I lived alone and did not have to be around someone else’s food… let alone have to prepare it for them.

    She has a teenage son for whom she has been cooking every evening, requiring her to be in the kitchen with the food every evening. I am not a gourmet chef by any measure (well, measured against the chefs in the Army I suppose I am) but I can tell you that I cannot imagine preparing food properly without tasting it to make sure I got it right. Her husband spends a lot of time on the road for work, but the son has to eat. I suggested that she come up with several meal ideas for him, then take him shopping… and teach him how to cook for himself. This is not only a good plan for her weight loss but will also greatly benefit him for the rest of his life. Start with a simple dish like spaghetti… here’s how to cook the noodles (and if there is anything easier than this other than toast then I don’t know what it is), and here’s how to empty the sauce into a pot and heat it up. Hamburgers! Here’s the patty, here’s the frying pan. You like onions and tomatoes on your burger? Great! Here’s a knife. Let’s make chicken! Here’s chicken-quarters, here’s a pan, here’s some seasoning. You get the picture. Oh, and by the way, kiddo… everything you use, you have to clean… so here’s how to minimize the mess that you make so as to facilitate the clean-up. Trust me, when you move into a university dorm… or when you are sixteen and your parents go away for the weekend… or when you are fifty-years-old, twice-divorced and living apart from your new wife because of the US Department of State… knowing how to prepare your own healthy meals without relying on ordering in all the time will be a huge lifesaver… not to mention that women find guys who can cook for them hot.

    Okay, we have addressed that problem… but what about the meal replacements that her clinic refuses to sell her until she comes in for an appointment, but they cannot fit her in until the beginning of next month? Okay, here’s a solution to that… and until they ship to you, here’s an interim solution.

    Perfect… I just wish that my friends understood. Guess what, lady? Nobody does. Your husband is wonderful and understanding and supportive and that is amazing. That does not mean that he understands. Your friends, who think that the program you are on is unhealthy because they are all so much smarter than you? Not only are they wrong, but they will never understand. This may sound obnoxious or arrogant (and it would not be the first time this week that I have been called either or both of those), but that’s why you have me. I told her the story about the guy who fell into a hole, which rather that typing out, I will copy and paste from the site http://www.westwingtranscripts.com, as it quotes the great Leo McGarry (played by the incredible John Spencer):

    This guy’s walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep. He can’t get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up “Hey you! Can you help me out?” The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up “Father, I’m down in this hole, can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. “Hey Joe, it’s me, can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here!” and the friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out.”

    Like so many others, she is afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is not easy. I asked her what she was afraid of, and she told me that she was afraid that she would disappoint me when she failed. I told her about the nacho and salsa incident last Sunday… how I dealt with it, and how I recovered my footing the next day. I told her about how I did my research and planned out the meal in advance so that I would not fail… and then how I failed… not months ago, mind you; this happened six days ago. I could have told her about myriad other failures along my journey… not to mention the fact that my journey has started three times now, and I have now lost over one hundred pounds three times now… and twice I have regained it all back. I told her that people who do not fail, do not need my support. I told her that if she could do it alone, she would have done it alone. I told her that I would never judge her because I have been her… Hell, I am her. It is far too easy to gain weight and far too hard to lose it. The difference is that there are all sorts of people who will help you to gain it… in fact, it is so easy that you do not usually need their help. While there might be psychological reasons why we gain weight, it is a simple process… make bad choices, eat too much of it, repeat. If she wants my support then she should take advantage of it when she is about to cheat and needs someone to offer her alternatives… or when she has already cheated and needs someone who understands, and who can guide her away from the slippery slope.

    In January 2002 I was on a ski trip to Steamboat Springs, Colorado. I had not been on skis since 1981, and I knew that I would need lessons. After being fitted for my rental equipment, I spent the morning of that first day on the slopes with an excellent instructor who helped me to remember that I was once a skier, and he spent more time showing me the best trails than he did showing me technique. It really was just like riding a bike. I bade him farewell at the end of the morning, and after lunch at the top of the mountain, I headed out on my own.

    I found myself at a divide between two trails, and I decided that the green dot trail would be too easy for me. I opted for the blue square trail, which after remembering that I used to be a skier was more my speed. It was an unfamiliar trail, but I had been down many ‘blue runs’ that morning, and I would be fine. Pretty soon, that trail split into two… a blue run, and a double black diamond run, which would be far too advanced for me. I was about to make the turn to stay safe when something got in my way… I do not remember if it was another skier or a critter. The slight delay in turning forced my hand, and I was on the double-black run. I was feeling exhilarated! I was doing great… until I realized how fast I was going, and I tried to slow down… but the slope had gotten too steep, and nothing that I remembered from my childhood or from my two hours of lessons that morning taught me anything about stopping on a 70° downward slope of pure powder. My legs did everything they could to stay under me, and I made every turn possible to slow my descent, but it was to no avail… pretty soon I was on my ass (wholly predictable), and it took me another 60-100 metres to stop. I collected my skis (which took longer than you might expect, considering all of the factors), and walked down to safer ground. A ski patrol who had seen what had happened came by and clipped my lift ticket. I was done for the day.

    The trauma from that day stuck with me. I spent the next day (a gorgeous sunny ‘champagne powder’ day) sitting at a bar called The Tap House in town. The following day I did something else. My three-day ski trip turned into a one-day ski trip, with two more days of drinking, eating chicken wings, playing trivia at the bar, and sitting in the outdoor hot tub at the Steamboat Grand.

    The following year, I went on a ski trip to Montana, and I stuck to the green slopes. A year or two later, I went to Park City, Utah… once again, skiing the easiest slopes, except for when I was with a guide… who knew that I was not an experienced skier. The guides knew this from what I told them, not from watching me ski. They all tried to encourage me to try again, but I never got past that slippery slope at Steamboat Springs.

    If only I had not excused my instructor that first day. If only I had the courage to say, ‘I still need help!’ If only I had not thought to myself that I could do it myself and did not need anyone’s help. I wonder how much more enjoyment I would have gotten out of those trips had I just admitted that I needed help.

    That slippery slope can kill you and thank G-d you did not go off a cliff.

    Had I asked for help I likely would not have been on the slippery slope… and had I done so, the help would have guided me to safety.

    I did not need any help on the green and blue trails, and had I stuck to those, everything would have been fine. If my friend lived alone, never needing to expose herself to other peoples’ foods, she would be just fine. There is no shame in asking for help… and if the person that you ask knows what you are going through then they will never judge you for what you perceive to be your weaknesses. They will understand.

    People who do not make mistakes, do not slip, do not falter… they do not need support. The rest of us can truly use the support of others, and we are foolish to eschew it and try to go it alone. Weight loss is a very difficult uphill climb, and as with mountain climbing it is so easy to make one misstep… and fall off the cliff. The difference between recovering and failing is the support that we have. Refusing to reach out to them for fear of judgement is no different from making that last mistake that sees you falling to the bottom.

    Whoever you reach out to for support will be thrilled to celebrate your successes and victories with you… but they will also be there when you falter to remind you that you are not alone. They will give you tips and tricks on how to do better… and they will help you to remember that any weight loss journey will be replete with successes and failures, and that you are human and will make mistakes. Can you minimize those mistakes? Sure. Can you avoid them completely? Probably not. Along the road to being slim a few nacho chips with salsa will fall in your path. Get by them and continue on your journey.

    My plan for today is to stay on track. The fact that I achieved a milestone this morning does not mean that I get to rest on my laurels. I am now 19.5 lbs. from reaching my best post-Army weight… I am 4.6 lbs. from going to my tailor’s appointment under 275 lbs., and I am 9.6 lbs. from flying to Dallas under 270 lbs. These are all short-term goals that I have set for myself, and while they are on the far end of realistic, a single misstep would likely put them out of reach. I will not sabotage myself by falling down now. After my second shake of the day, I am going to drive into Hamilton to see Lyle and Dorothy for a couple of hours. I asked Lyle what I could bring, and he reminded me that I have had a bag of Montreal bagels in my freezer for them for the last several months. I will be glad to be rid of them at long last, and they are currently sitting in my travel cooler by the front door. I might stop in at Bulk Barn near them because there is a snack that Leslie asked for that was not available in the Bulk Barn near me. Unlike so many other snacks that I might pick up for her, these are just too decadent to tempt me seriously. Yes, I would love them… but unlike Goldfish crackers or Pop Chips, I cannot look at a chocolate-covered pretzel covered in M&Ms and make any justification that would sound plausible. ‘Hey, Goldfish crackers, eaten in moderation, are a reasonable snack!’ Maybe so… but who am I trying to kid that if I open the bag today that there will be any left by bedtime tomorrow? No, the pretzels for Leslie and her son will be safe… and by going into Bulk Barn on a day when not only did I hit a milestone, but also on a day when I spent so much time supporting (and then writing about supporting) others through missteps will not hold the same temptation as it might if it were just any other day. Stay the course. Stay on track. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I might weigh 280 lbs… or I might weigh 279.2 lbs. If it is the former, it will not be because I cheated today. If it is the latter, it will definitely be because I did not cheat today.

    (Holy crap! I do not know if I have ever written over 3,000 words for a single journal entry. If you read all of it then power to you!)

    Have a great day folks!

  • Weight Loss Platitudes

    In one of my support groups on Facebook, someone was sharing her fears about being around all of the temptations that will be in her house for the Super Bowl. Several of us gave her practical advice, and she will either follow it or not, but I am sure we all hope she will succeed.

    One person posted: Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

    I want to be clear that I feel that this statement is absolutely true, and that looking back on the 390 days of my depriving myself of all of the foods that I love, when I look at myself in pictures (not yet in the mirror) I really feel good about myself, and the only thing I would change is that I would have cheated less so that I could be further along my journey than I am. Skinny feels great! (At least, skinnier does… I have not felt skinny since I was in the Army.)

    With that said, the original poster was sharing her fears and feelings about a real challenge, and not about a generalization. I wonder how helpful this very clever platitude will be when she comes face to face with pizza, wings, chips, beer, and sodas all over her house, and there for the taking.

    There are so many of these platitudes out there and they are all true. I just wonder how helpful any of them actually are. Yes, we all know that weight loss is a marathon and not a sprint; we know that losing weight is hard and being fat is hard, so choose your hard. We have been told a thousand times to not eat our emotions, and that fat loss is a mental challenge rather than a physical one. Of course, we know that our desire to change must be greater than our desire to stay the same, and that we have to change our habits in order to change our bodies… and that if we have discipline, drive, and determination, then nothing is impossible. We are aware that we did not gain all of the weight in a day, so we should not expect to lose it in a day.

    All of those statements are inspirational, and I think there is a place for each and every one of them. Weight loss is a mental challenge, and it is an emotional one. We cannot expect to help people with strictly practical advice, especially when they are feeling down or despondent or weak. We have to inspire their emotions and their mentality so that they can either stay on track, or too often get back on it.

    We all respond differently to different situations. When I started the program the second time, my doctor was an Army veteran, so when I told him that I did not want him to blow smoke up my six, he understood that I needed the regimented discipline from him that he would have given his soldiers. He understood that I would not respond to the inspirational platitudes that so many of his patients needed to get ahead. Today I may feel a little different than I did then, but more often than not, I prefer concrete advice than inspirational quotes.

    My wife has the unenviable task of trying to read my emotions and seeing if it is one of those rare times when I need the platitudes… or if she needs to be firm with me. Last night we were talking about ice cream (she loves a particular flavour that is only available in Canada) and I told her that I would have some in the house for her next visit… and that I might even have some in the freezer now. She told me that if I had gone out and bought ice cream that she would kick my butt… ice cream is one of my kryptonites, and she knows that having it in the house is a bad idea for me. If there was a pint in the freezer today, it would not be there by the time she comes next. More likely than not it would not still be there by Tuesday.

    At the same time, there have been several days when I have been down about my lack of progress this last week. She has been supportive in reminding me how well I have been doing, how far I have come, and how weight loss is about the downward trend, and not the individual plots on the graph.

    Leslie has learned (though a lot of difficult times) that there are times when I need her to be harsh with me, and there are times when I need her soft reassurances that I am doing well. I doubt that any dieter is all that different. So, when one of them comes out and says, ‘Oh my, I am disappointed that I have not lost weight this week!’ it is important to tell them that they are doing great, and to keep doing what they are doing, and the weight will come off. On the other hand, when someone says something like ‘This is what I have facing me today, and I am worried about how I am going to deal with it…’ then it is probably time for practical advice.

    I have often said that weight loss is simple, but it is not easy. Putting aside for a moment that this too is a platitude, I am not really sure how true it really is. Yes, if you consume less foods (and even less of the wrong ones), and if you exercise, you will lose weight. However, that only addresses the physical… and if you are in prison or the military, it might be true because you are given the food that should help you to lose weight. It does not take into account all of the mental and emotional stress and anguish that we go through when we make the choices that face us every day. Here is what you need to eat in order to lose two pounds per week. Great. That does not cover the anguish and anxiety, and it does not necessarily stay at the front of mind when we are on the go during our busy week.

    There is a place and time for platitudes… they truly can be inspirational. There is also a place and a time for practical advice. Knowing which is which is also not always easy.

  • Day 369

    Any day that the bathroom scale registers a drop .6 of a pound I will be satisfied. It is not likely to be a daily occurrence, but that is the average of what I have dropped the last four mornings, and I am very content with that! If the trend continues then I will arrive in Dallas at precisely 290.0 lbs., and Leslie will be utterly shocked when she wraps her arms around me. That is not to say that a pound up or down would influence that – I know she loved me when I was at my heaviest too – but she is the second main reason I want to succeed on my weight loss journey. Before anyone tries to read into this, the number one reason is for myself!

    I came to two realizations yesterday. Oddly enough, they both came in public washrooms.

    The first of these was when I walked into the washroom to pee, and there was someone at the first urinal, so I just walked by him to use the second one. It was only after I was past that I realized that a few months ago I would have had to pay special care to pass through the opening between the man and the wall so that I did not bump either. Today I walked by without slowing down and did not touch either. That is a huge non-scale victory. Just the other day a friend asked me at what point I would stop worrying that I would bump into things, on account of my hips being so wide. I told her that I never worried about that because I wasn’t a klutz. I hadn’t thought about it, but she is right… I would so often have slowed down, turned to get through, said ‘excuse me,’ or whatever. Hmm.

    Later in the day, I realized that my shirt was untucked, so I unbuckled my belt and the pants button to tuck them in. As I secured the belt, I realized that the top of my pants were folding over. If you have been morbidly obese then whether you were ever on a weight loss program or not, there is a very good chance that you have worn a pair of pants that did not fit just right. In order to hold them up when they are a little loose, you tightened your belt another notch (or two) so that they would stay up. It might not have mattered to you, or it might not have that as you did that, the top of your pants folded over the belt. However, I did not think, knowing that less than one month ago I ordered these Size 40 pants – and then ordered another pair because they fit – less than a month ago. I know the timing because I looked on my Amazon app as I walked back to the table… I ordered them December 25. I pressed the Return button, and I will take them to the UPS Store to send them back tomorrow. I will also order a couple pair of Size 38 pants… but as I am going to be in Dallas in three days, I will order them to Dallas and not to my Canadian address. While there is a slight savings, the big issue is that I want to wear them when I am in Dallas. I am hedging my bets though… I am only returning one pair of pants and bringing the other. These may be loose on me, but I do not know if I am quite ready for a Size 38. On the other hand, I have actually lost more than fifteen pounds since I ordered these… I am optimistic!

    Now that I am most of the way through my first coffee of the morning, I realized that while I likely will order new pants, there are two things that I should remember. The first is that it is possible that they will not fit me… yet. I was all excited that I will be wearing a smaller size and had visions of whatever going through my head. It is possible that my Size-40 pants are a bit loose, but the Size-38 will still be too tight. I realized this initially this morning as I was buttoning up my second pair of Size-40 pants… the ones I ordered a few days later, so I have a few extra days before deciding if I am going to return them as well. Okay, I will not be returning them; with this pair, I will exchange them for the smaller size. However, I am going to wait and see if the Size-38 actually fit first. The second realization was that I might not have to wait a few more days to find out. Last week when I reorganized my clothes, I was left with one final bin of clothes that did not fit yet. In that bin there are two bags of pants labelled Sizes 36-38. I did not realize that I might be so close to needing them, so that bin went downstairs into my locker. I was going to have to go to the locker today anyways to get my suitcase (so excited!!), but while I am there, I will go into that bin and get those bags out. I do not know what is in them – I have not opened the bag in over a year – but I suppose it is likely that there is at least one pair of Dockers in there that are the right size… and possibly a couple other pair that I will try as well. I know that my Size-40 jeans are still pretty snug, so I do not expect that a Size-38 Levi’s 501s (which I know I have in there) will be going into my regular rotation… but I am going to spend ten minutes trying on pants this morning. For the record, in my life that is not a sentence that I ever thought I would be excited about. I have always hated trying on clothes. If it shows visible progress, then I am happy to make that exception. Last week, when I did the same exercise with all of my shirts, I was equally excited!

    I made a huge mistake yesterday. I forgot to bring my meal replacement with me. Couple that with my outing being much longer than expected (culminating with a couple of friends telling me they had something to talk about, and let’s talk at the restaurant). I sat in the restaurant as they ate, watching them eat. I used the usual excuse that my stomach has been funny lately… they did not need to know that ‘funny’ really means ‘much smaller than it was, and still shrinking.’ It turns out they wanted to discuss a business opportunity with me, and I was completely not interested. I also sat through the rest of their meal wishing there was a polite way to tell them that I was leaving so that I could go home to a meal replacement shake, but without telling them about my diet… well, not an option. I also wish there was a polite way to tell them that talk is cheap and if they want to propose a business to someone then they have to show up with a business plan, but again, not really an option. All of this to say that I did not enjoy my third meal replacement until 8:30pm… which meant that unless I wanted to stay awake until 2:00am, I would not be drinking my final one. My total daily caloric intake for yesterday was under 700 (including my coffee dressings), which is definitely not advisable… but once in a while is not the worst thing to happen. I was a bit hungry from 6:30pm, but not so much that I needed to cheat.

    On my way into Toronto, I spent nearly 45 minutes talking to one of the women from the Facebook group who has been doing the program with no real support. She read my blog and asked to talk. Wow, I heard what ‘support’ she was getting (or not getting) from the clinic where she gets her shakes, and I was silently thinking that I wish I could have them shut down for malpractice. They gave her very little guidance, which was counterbalanced by a lot of really bad advice. I told her that I would be happy to support her as she starts (in addition to her reading my blog) back on the program, but that she might want to find a woman who is going through it (or who has gone through it before) because there are a lot of issues that will be the same for men and women, but there are also going to be things that I cannot advise or guide her through. I know how my sex drive has changed, but I do not know how it would affect a woman. I also know very little about the program’s effects on menstruation… and so many other things. I think for now she will rely on me and will look for a woman for when she needs… female advice. I realize that I enjoy supporting people who are going through the same challenges as I am. She told me that she liked me because I was not pulling punches. When she told me about one of the pieces of advice her ‘support person’ from the clinic gave her, I told her that it was complete bullshit… in those words. That would offend a lot of people; I do not think that I would have the patience to counsel or support someone through the journey who needed me to blow sunshine and roses up their rear ends while they were faltering or being given bad advice. When I was a Company Sergeant in the Army, I was a hard ass… just like I was when I was coaching high school basketball. In business, I know I have to be more professional, and I know very well how to do that. On this particular weight loss program, where there are a thousand ways to fail but only one way to succeed, I do not think I can be that person. I probably could be… but I don’t think that I want to be. I want the people I spend time and effort with to succeed, and none of us (myself included) got to be fat because people were being mean to us when we ordered that 2-pound plate of wings.

    It is Monday morning, and I am eager to start the day. I have a meeting with an organization called CompTIA at 11:00am which is essentially to tell me what free or discounted materials are available to me as a trainer. It is nice to know that like Microsoft and CompTIA appreciate that trainers are not only teaching their materials, but they are in many ways their evangelists. When I teach a Network+ Class, I have the opportunity to remind students that CompTIA also offers great exam prep material that they can buy; I might also encourage them to consider the next logical course for many, Security+. While I get paid by the training organization to teach the class (who in turn buys the courseware from CompTIA), it is nice that CompTIA recognizes that building a relationship with me will encourage me to encourage my students. I did this for Microsoft for so many years (and will continue to do so for them for years to come I am sure), it was only recently (the last 2-3 years) that I have expanded my course offerings to CompTIA; I am happy that they are now reaching out to help me with it… especially knowing that the retail price for my next CompTIA exam retails for $392, and that every dollar of discount helps!

    After that, I am going to do some studying… as well as some playing around with my Linux environment because there is so much to explore in it. Yesterday morning, I was using it a lot for my study group and I as seeing a lot of things that I want to play with. As eager as I am, I know that for some of them it will be better for me to go through the courseware and then do it along with the demo videos… and then go from there. Most people do not realize that the difference between a hacker and a cybersecurity specialist is which side of right and wrong you are on. While hackers are criminals, a lot of what they do (which are things that we are exploring in this course, so that we can defend against them) is actually a lot of fun! Maybe I will go to the gym too… I really should.

    Something else that I should spend some time on today is preparing my laptop for the trip to Dallas. While that might sound like a dichotomy – aren’t laptops designed for portability, so that you just take them and go? – I am not taking my teaching laptop with me; I will be delivering two classes from Dallas, and I will be taking my much lighter (and much more powerful) laptop with me. I know that I have never taught from it, so I want to make sure it has everything set up properly. That means that I need to have the courseware on it, and make sure that the remote training software is installed and working properly. I will probably spend a few minutes teaching from it tomorrow evening to make sure that everything works before flying on Wednesday. I am not worried about the slides – I know that even if I did forget my slides and my notes on the other computer, they are all synchronized to the cloud and easily accessible. I want to see if the built-in camera and microphone are good enough. They should be (it’s a really good machine!) but I do not want to get there and realize that I missed something.

    I am astounded that it is only 8:45am, and I am almost ready to publish… even though I am not teaching this morning. My eyes popped open early, and while I tried to get back to sleep there was a combination of a pain in my knee (that pain that only shows up when I am lying down for longer periods, but then goes away when I have been upright for a few minutes. It did not help that I kinda had to pee… had my knee not been a factor I would have gone back to sleep for another hour. That was not in the cards, so I kicked out of bed at 6:45am. The ground outside is a combination of icy and salty (for my southern friends, we use a rock salt to melt snow and ice so that people can walk without slipping and falling), so Princess Sophie walked over to the nearest grass, peed, and said Let’s go back inside, Daddy! I was happy to oblige her… we will go out a little later one, when it is not quite so cold and windy (I hope).

    I am going to go down to my locker now to get my suitcase and the pants that didn’t then but might now fit. I’ll be back as soon as I have tried them on. Don’t worry, I’ll only be a minute (or so it will seem for you!)

    I told you I wouldn’t be long, right? I am now sitting at my desk comfortably wearing a pair of Size-38 Dockers pants. I could hardly believe how well they fit! I was expecting them to be tight, that I would have to suck in my belly to button them up. No, they fit… and I have two pair of them, which means that I will not be ordering another pair to Dallas; rather, I will be bringing two pair down with me… along with several pair of shorts that did not fit me the last time I tried to put them on.

    The collection of clothes that are too small on me is shrinking. A year ago, there were four full bins… pants, shorts, button-down shirts, golf shirts, suits, and t-shirts galore. suits Was it only a week ago that I consolidated what was left into a single bin that was not quite full, but certainly close to it. Now… I left several pair of Size-36 jeans and pants (most of which still have the tags on them) in the bin, along with three button-down shirts, a few golf shirts, and some t-shirts. While this morning was another best-weight-yet day on my current journey, I am now thirty (and a half) pounds from my best-weight-ever… or at least in the last twenty years. I have vague memories of weighing close to that when I was on Weight Watchers in February 2005 when my first marriage ended, and I remember walking out of the last meeting feeling dejected because I had gained a pound, and how sad I was. I stopped losing weight that day and began the long ascent into morbid obesity.

    I have so much more to say, but I am going to save something for tomorrow. It is now 10:15am. I am wearing Size-38 pants, and I called my wife so that we could kvell about that for a few minutes. Princess Sophie heard her best friend Charlie somehow, and begged me to go spend time with him, so the apartment is quiet. I have my next call at 11:00am, and after that I will study for a few hours.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Support of Friends and Family

    There are differences between nagging and encouraging. Having been exposed to both, I am familiar with many of them.

    Encouraging someone comes from a place of love, caring, and concern. It is done when someone is open to your input, and when you try to convey it in a way that will be accepted and is meant to help.

    Nagging might also come from caring, but it is usually done in a way that will discourage the person. It is done with a tone that can be hurtful or belittling, it might even be accusatory. While it might be intended to help, it can beat the person down and discourage them, having the exact opposite effect.

    A couple of months ago, Leslie and I were speaking about my weight loss regimen, and she told me that she was sorry for several things that she had said. I did not understand why and told her so. She reminded me that within the last few days she had:

    · Called me when I told her I might be too tired to walk and told me ‘Get dressed and go for a walk, Mister!’

    · Encouraged me to not have an extra salad one evening, calling it a ‘gateway salad,’ essentially that if I thought that having the salad with just vegetables was okay, I would not only make it a habit, but would then start adding canned salmon and seeds to it.

    · Reminded me on a number of occasions that I was doing well, and to stay strong so that I could accomplish what I wanted to with this diet.

    Over the years, I have told several people – not only individually, but I went so far as to write articles on it – that I did not want their input on my weight loss. That was not only about unsolicited advice, but even comments about my progress. When it comes to weight loss, everyone seems to have opinions and advice. It is all meant to be encouraging, but so often has the opposite effect.

    I cannot tell you how many times people have said to me something like: ‘You are doing great on your diet! You should try…’ and then shared their advice with me. Folks, if I am doing well, then let me continue doing what I am doing. For that matter, if I falter then the best way for me to get back on track is with the familiar, not with something new.

    I have a friend who weighs more than I do and has also over the last few months lost a lot of weight. He is doing incremental fasting, and the results are incredible. We have discussed his methods several times… and he knows mine. What he has not done was told me that I have to try this.

    When you are losing weight, it could feel good to hear people tell you how great you look. That is not always the case though, and because of that, sometimes I just do not want to hear it. I like to think that I have a pretty thick skin, but when someone tells me that I am doing good on my diet it is a judgement, and oftentimes I do not want to be judged.

    The last few days, as I have written, I have faltered quite a bit. While I walked quite a bit while I was in Montreal, I ate badly. On my second day back from Montreal, I went on an amazing, longest-walk-ever. That was Monday. Since then, I have not exercised, nor have I stuck to my weight loss regimen.

    Yesterday evening, my wife asked me if she needed to show me tough love… knowing that I have not been doing well. I told her that I did, and so she told me that if I did not get out for at least two really good walks before coming to Dallas, she would not pick me up from the airport. It’s rather a longer walk than I am comfortable committing to, so I figured that I had better set out today for my first of at least two good walks before Thursday.

    • Distance: 9.35km (10.45km)
    • Duration: 1:31:03 (1:44:12)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 9:44 (9:58)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 9m17 (9m36)
    • Steps: 11.2k (12.8k)
    • Calories burned: 1,147 (1,242)
    • Elevation gain: 46.2 (37)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 124 (122)

    Do I think that my wife would have left me stranded at the airport? Of course she would not. She knows me though, and she asked if I wanted her to be tough on me. She knows that she has leave to use the carrot and the stick. I actively seek her encouragement, support, and when warranted, her berating. While most of the people who try to give me advice and encouragement are equally well-meaning, their input is not welcome. Leslie’s is welcomed and actively sought. I do not expect her to lock me out of the house if I don’t walk X number of kilometres this week… but I also do not want her blowing sunshine and roses up my rear what I am having a bad time of it.

    I did not break records today, but I had a really good walk, and a really good sweat. I am going to take my shower, and then start preparing my lunch. After that, I will go shopping, and will try to pick up enough provisions to take me through my flight on Thursday. I am usually pretty good, but every single trip to the supermarket is another opportunity for me to falter. I will not! I will, however, buy milk for my coffee, a couple more packages of chicken, and lettuce. I will check, I might also need an onion. I do not think there is anything else that I need, and today’s can be my last trip to the supermarket until I am home from Texas in a month.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 200

    I have long since gotten out of the habit of reading where I was on my weight loss journeys from my previous two diaries. As today is a milestone (Day 200) I decided to take a gander, if only to encourage me a bit.

    In my 2017 diary, I had originally dropped to 275lbs, and by Day 220 (I took a long break from journaling) I was back up to 313lbs. If memory serves, I would spend a couple of months paying lip service to trying to stick with (or get back onto) the program, but I never again dropped below 300lbs, and eventually ended up where I eventually ended up… back where I had started.

    In my 2019-20 journal I was still living in my now ex-girlfriend’s house. It was the month before the world would shut down from the pandemic, but I was still unhappy with my situation. It is not difficult to read that in my writing – on Day 202 I wrote that her daughter had flown into town and the two of them were going away together for a few days, and how nice it would be to have the house to myself. It was extremely difficult living in a house with a woman who paid lip-service to eating well and being healthy, but for all of that was extremely overweight. I understand how that is, because I spent a lot of years thinking I knew how to eat healthy when in fact I had no idea.

    Anyhow, I had originally dropped to 304lbs, but was currently hovering around the 320lbs mark… only a few pounds off where I am at now. The difference is that back then I was rebounding from a better weight, whereas now I am on the ‘original downward trend.’ I would eventually, in the months that followed, drop to a tremendous 260lbs… but that was after I got out of her house, away from her negative influences and passive-aggressive behaviours.

    It is interesting to read from that time frame (Day 201) that I was going to make the long drive to Westlake Village, where I would eventually move and thrive. At this point, in February 2020, it was just another suburb of Los Angeles that I knew how to type into my GPS unit.

    Sometimes it is these milestones that make me look back to where I was the last time around and try to remember what caused me to eventually fail. In 2017 it was the terribly planned and executed move to Ottawa, coupled with the illness and then demise of my mother. While I do not remember at the time feeling so constantly torn about it, the truth is that I must have been. To have an abusive mother whose poisonous orbit I had finally been able to escape fall ill, to be encouraged and cajoled to let her back into my life, only to watch this unrepentant shrew of a woman deteriorate and die… the four-month process (not to mention the grieving and coming to terms with that relationship following her death) was hard on me. It can be no coincidence that in that time frame I regained fifty pounds from my best weight… and after trying to hold on, eventually abandoned all pretext of the weight management program.

    I failed in 2020 because I got comfortable. I remember the day that I lost my job in August I drove home and went for a very long walk. It is hard to remember when I started my fitness walking, but I do know that I was doing it through the first weeks of September 2020. At that point I started golfing on a regular basis, and somehow fooled myself into thinking that golfing (with a golf cart) was exercise, and that if my fitness tracker read 12,000 steps then I was really exercising. I stopped walking and jogging in lieu of golfing several times per week.

    It is coincidental timing that I had been eating well until around that time, and then decided after the Yom Kippur fast to indulge… I never recovered, and by February 2021 I was flirting with the 300-pound mark again. By December I was closer to 400-pounds than I ever had been… and hopefully I will never be back there. All because I stopped truly exercising, and because after religious services one night I decided to indulge in a meal of fried chicken from Von’s. Slippery slopes are easy to fall on… especially when you do not have a good support system.

    I mention that last part because I have a wonderful support system now. Leslie is wonderful, encouraging me along the way, and when I falter, she does not berate me, but helps me to understand what I did wrong, and what were the reasons behind it. She is my rock, and while I cannot lean entirely on her for my weight loss (I am, after all, the only one responsible for that), it is a huge help to have her by my side. How different might things have worked out if the day after Yom Kippur in 2020 I had someone to remind me ‘Yes, you cheated yesterday… you fell right off the wagon. That does not mean you cannot get right back onto it today. Look at how far you have come! I am so proud of you!’ I suspect if I had not been left to my own devices without a fallback, I would never have regained all of the weight.

    On such a milestone as today, Day 200, it is almost anti-climactic for my weight loss to be only .2 pounds. As I have said so often, down is better than up… but on Day 200 you would think there would be more. No, weight loss does not work that way. You can try your hardest and do your best (not only did I stick to the program yesterday, I also walked 9km), and the results are a trickle and not a flow. Sure, there will be other days when the floodgates open, and I will lose 1.5lbs from day to day… but I do not get to choose those days. The only thing that I can do is to stay on course with my program, which means that I will over time continue to lose weight.

    While there is another heat warning from Environment Canada for today, and the weather when I too Princess Sophie for her walk this morning was hot and humid, I am nevertheless going to venture out now rather than later for my fitness walk. I am seeing my sons this afternoon, and the forecast is calling for thunderstorms starting at 5:00pm and going through the night. If I want to get my (at least) six kilometres in to hit my seven-day target of fifty-five kilometres, now is the time to do it. I should be back in time to have lunch at 12:00pm, and then welcome my kids at 1:00pm as planned. I would normally want to give my legs a few more hours to recover, but I would rather walk in the sun than in the rain any day.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Just Ignore Them

    A few days ago, I shared a piece that I wrote about peer pressure. I was angry that a friend of mine tried to get me to eat something that was not only fattening but also not kosher. I wrote the article to remind myself – and others like me – how hard it is to stay true to one’s diet (and to one’s religion), and that pressure from friends was unwelcome.

    I got a response from a fellow dieter that read: ‘Just ignore them.’ This got me thinking.

    The word ‘just’ should be taken out of the language as far as dieting is concerned. Let’s look at some of the advice I have gotten from people over the years that begin with that word:

    • “Just cut out the carbs and you’ll lose the weight.”
    • “Just drink a glass of grapefruit juice before every meal.”
    • “Just cut out sweets.”
    • “Just eat between 10:00am and 6:00pm.”
    • “Just cut out alcohol and the weight will melt away.”
    • “Just walk a couple of miles every day!”

    The list goes on and on and on, ad nauseum. There seems to be this colossal misunderstanding that by adding the word ‘just’ in front of a suggestion means that it will be easy. If that was true, there would be no fat people in the world. Nor, for that matter, would there be any poor people, or weak people, or people who abuse their spouses and children.

    What would happen if we were to replace the word ‘just’ with something more appropriate and honest?

    • “As much as you love carbs, if you cut them out you will lose weight.”
    • “You may not like the taste but drinking a glass of grapefruit juice before eating might help with weight loss.”
    • “They are so tasty and addictive… but if you cut out sweets you will lose weight.”
    • “It is not easy, but some people find they lose weight if they only eat between the hours of 10:00am and 6:00pm.”
    • “We all love a drink now and then, but alcohol is empty calories and cutting them out can help you to lose weight.”
    • “Exercise is good for weight loss, as hard as it might be.”

    This advice may not sound easy, but it is honest. There used to be a commercial on the radio that started: “Losing weight is simple… but it is not easy.” I do not know how simple it is, but it is certainly not easy… and it is certainly not a one size fits all thing.

    I have a close friend who is a gourmet chef, and probably outweighs me by a couple hundred pounds. He is having success losing weight with intermittent fasting (the 10-6 thing) but has told me flat out that he will not cut pasta out of his diet. Okay, he still eats his carbs… and is losing weight. I have another friend who has lost a lot of weight by dieting but does absolutely no exercise.

    Do you see where I am going with this? There is no one approach to losing weight, but none of them are easy. Likewise, ‘Just ignore them’ was what my mother used to tell me about bullies when I was in elementary school. IDIOT! It isn’t like I was going out looking to be bullied. They came to me, and if I ignored them, I got beaten up. This may not have been the worst advice I ever got from my mother, but it was pretty bad. It was if she was saying “Why are you so stupid! If someone gets in your face and calls you names, just walk away and they will never call you names anymore! Name calling doesn’t hurt anyone!” Thanks, Ma.

    Rather than saying to someone ‘Just ignore them,’ try “Oh my G-d, that is terrible. I know it is hard, but you have to remember to walk away. Whatever you eat hurts you, not them.” There are lots of things you can say, but whatever it is… take the word JUST out of it and throw it in the garbage. Unless you are explaining something on a computer when you say ‘Just press the space bar’ just stop saying the word.

    </rant>

  • Kindly Shut Up!

    I mentioned earlier that I was at a friend’s birthday party over the weekend, and it was a lovely day… that was marred by my friend trying to get me to eat something that I should not eat. In this particular case, he was telling me how good the blood sausage was. I told him that as a practicing Jew, I cannot eat it because it is not kosher. My friend, who was born Jewish but has never practiced the religion, told me something like ‘I know… but today it’s okay to eat it.’ I was truly offended. My friend knew me before I started observing many of the dietary laws of my faith, so I suppose he knows that I would like it.

    It is amazing that thirty-three years after I graduated high school, I am still subject to peer pressure… and this, from an 82-year-old man.

    My relationship with G-d is nobody else’s business, and it is my responsibility alone to eat or to not eat in accordance with my faith. My friend did not hold me down and force non-kosher food into my mouth. I had to make the decision on my own… and I made the correct decision.

    Where I made the wrong decision was when the deserts came out, and I was handed a piece of birthday cake. Again, as someone on a diet, it is up to me to eat or to not eat what I should or should not be eating.

    Where that argument starts to weaken is when people try to tell you ‘Oh, you can diet tomorrow!’ or ‘Just take a break… one piece of cake won’t kill you!’ The (ironically phrased) icing on the cake is ‘Oh you are doing so well! Just have this, it is so good!’

    Let’s put this into context by replacing some of the words:

    ‘Mitch, you are a heroin addict, but you have done so well kicking the habit… one shot won’t kill you!? Just have this, it is so good!’

    Do you see where I am going with this? Food is an addiction and getting off the foods that are so terrible for us – and not just for a day, but for the long term – is extremely difficult, and requires a discipline that many people just do not have. I have been overweight for nearly as long as I have been out of the Army and kicking those terrible habits that I learned for so many years (from people who I thought loved me) is the hardest thing I have ever done. How hard? I have done it twice… and each time I ended up back where I was and am not on my third attempt.

    What is worse is that so many of the people who encourage you to take a day off from your diet are the same ones who told you that you needed to lose weight (or more often made fun of you behind your back). They are often the same people who tell you how great you are looking, and that you should keep it up. They are too often the people who claim to be your greatest advocates for success.

    By the way, some of these people are not actually trying to sabotage your diet… although that is exactly the result. Many of them think that after so many weeks or months of work that you actually deserve that piece of cake, bowl of ice cream, whatever. They do not know what temptations you were exposed to or succumbed to yesterday because they were not there. They do not know what will happen tomorrow because they will not be there. They assume that you can be on a diet 100% of the time… when you are not with them, but when you are with them you should enjoy the same foods that caused you to need to diet in the first place.

    In the end I did not touch the blood sausage, and my religious dietary discipline was maintained. However, the negative advice from my friend consumed my mind, and when it came time for birthday cake, I was not paying attention to the fact that I was doing so well on my diet; I ate the cake and a couple of pastries. While I am always responsible for what I put into my mouth, I was driven to distraction by the negative encouragement. Yes, it is on me… but my friend can claim an assist.

    Let me be clear, and this applies to both religion and to weight management: You can either be my advocate and ally one hundred percent of the time, or you can kindly shut up and keep your critiques and opinions to yourself. Do you remember how well you said I was doing? I did all of that without your advice and I am certainly not going to follow any advice to stop doing well. Some would say that your negative encouragement is counter intuitive. I say it is stupid and offensive, and I don’t want to hear it. Take your ‘advice’ to cheat just this once and shove it up your ass.

  • Lead Me Not Into Temptation!

    Thank you, but I know the way. I do not need any help finding temptation, it is all around me. When it is not around me, I am still tempted by things in my mind.

    To wit: While there are ‘naughty’ foods in my kitchen, most of them are things that are reserved for Leslie to enjoy during her visits. I have never been tempted by Bear Claw cookies or by marshmallows. Don’t get me wrong, they are both snacks that I would enjoy, but unlike other things that could be lurking in my cupboards, I have never salivated over either of these.

    We all have our temptations… our Achilles Heel, if you will. Among my favourites are Buffalo Wings… dipped in batter and deep-fried (or even baked), dripping with sauce… these have been a weakness of mine since I was a teenager. Of course, they have to be really good wings, otherwise they hold little appeal to me. Unfortunately, there is a restaurant which I used to frequent under three kilometers from where I am sitting, that makes absolutely delicious (and sinful) wings. According to their website (www.montanas.ca):

    “Dusted twice and cooked to a crispy finish. Try ’em sauced up just how you like ’em. Served with your choice of dipping sauce and carrot sticks. 390-410 Cals/serving, serves 2”

    That sounds pretty reasonable, doesn’t it? Until you realize that the 8 wings is not 410 calories, rather it is 820 calories, because they are saying that this order serves two. Would someone please tell me what self-respecting (or not) glutton with a food addiction and a particular predilection for Buffalo Wings is sharing this dish with anyone? Nay, pray bring forth the double portion, and if my table mates wish to taste them, they can bloody well get their own! 1,640 calories of deliciousness for myself!

    By the way, the same page of the same website is advertising their cheese nachos at 470 calories/serving… but oh yeah, that order serves four people, so the plate is 1,880 calories. Unlike the wings, this is a huge plate, and likely will be shared… by two or maybe three people, as long as they are planning on a good main course.

    Just like there are social drinkers and solitary drinkers, likewise there are social eaters and solitary eaters. There was a time when I would try to maintain a sheen of decorum… I would eat reasonably in company, and when I was alone, I would go wild. I do not know when that stopped; I do know that after I started my diet, Leslie mentioned to me that she was surprised by how much I was able to eat before. On a number of occasions, I took her to a pub for dinner, and we would devour a large pizza and a plate of wings. By we, I think you can guess who did most of the eating. No, I was no longer ashamed of my eating… or maybe I was, but I was not going to hide it anymore.

    I do not need to get into my car to go to the nearest fast-food restaurants to get a triple burger combo, or to the grocery store to pick up a large bag (or two) of chips. Of course, I probably would drive to either of those places if I was not actively trying to lose weight. There was a time when I would try to justify that ‘If I walk there, I will be burning off many of the calories I will be consuming there.’ No, Taz… according to www.mapmywalk.com, during the 5km walk that I did on Monday, I burned a total of 519 calories in fifty-six minutes. Extrapolating from that math, walking to Wendy’s and back (1.8km) would burn 186 calories… according to the website https://order.wendys.com, a Dave’s Double® burger (with cheese… they do not seem to list the without cheese option on their website) is 860 calories. A medium order of French Fries is another 350 calories. Assuming you add a bottle of water or a diet soda, you are still at 1,210 calories. If you burned 186 calories to get it, you are still over 1,000 calories.

    I have a diet buddy who was telling me just yesterday that she was going to visit some friends, and she was extremely nervous about the pressure she would feel to break her diet. That is very real for some people. It is difficult to say to someone, especially someone who is trying to be hospitable, that no, you do not want what they are offering. No, they cannot get you anything else. It is a bit easier when those people know that you are on a diet. It is just not everybody’s business that you are on a diet… or what diet you are on.

    There are several different responses you will get to the statement, “No thank you, I am on a diet.” These include:

    • You don’t know what you are missing!
    • Oh, come on… just one!
    • These aren’t too bad for you!
    • They are healthy!
    • You can diet tomorrow!
    • What else can I get for you then?
    • What diet are you on?
    • Dieting is bad. What you need to do is… <fill in the blank>.

    I will address these all individually.

    First of all, yes! I bloody well do know what I am missing. Do you think I got to be morbidly obese because I don’t know what really good food tastes like? I do not need to diet because I spent most of my adult life gorging on things that do not taste good.

    Just one is what we call ‘getting the ball rolling.’ Yes, it always starts with just one… and then there will be another one, and five more after that. We do not have the first one so that we cannot possibly have the second one.

    Whether something is bad for me or not does not mean that it is on my diet or not. That is for me to determine, and I do not want your help doing so.

    Avocados are healthy. They are also fattening. The fact that something is healthy also does not determine whether or not they are on my diet. Again, that is not for you to determine.

    Yes, I can diet tomorrow. I can also diet today, and that is what I decided to do. Do you know exactly how many days I said to myself ‘I will start my diet tomorrow?’ How many times did I say to myself, ‘I will just take today as a cheat day?’ I assure you, if we counted them all up, I would be slimmer than Ally McBeal.

    Please, do not get anything for me. I assure you that if I planned my diet properly, I will either eat what I feel I can from what you are serving, or I will not. I might have a meal replacement bar in my pocket, but that is not your concern. Whatever I am doing, any pressure that you might be applying to me is as unwelcome as it is unnecessary.

    If I wanted you to know what diet I was on, I would tell you about it. If I do not, then it is personal, and please do not try to pressure me into telling you.

    Yes, dieting is bad… we all know that moderation is the key. Healthy eating is the key. Eating a half a grapefruit before every meal is the key. Exercise is the key. Getting a good night’s sleep is the key. Walking is the key. Taking vitamins and supplements is the key. With all of these keys, pretty soon I am going to feel like the school janitor in the days before there were master keys. In the meantime, you do you, and let me do me. Is dieting bad? Trust me, so is being fat. Your advice is as useless as it is unwelcome.

    Do you see what I am getting at? There is temptation at every turn, and we cannot succumb to it. We got fat because we did. Is there really anyone on the planet who does not know that a diet of junk food and not exercising leads to obesity? We got fat because we were too weak to resist temptation. We are being strong now, and we do not need anyone’s help to falter. We know where temptation is, and if you think you are being helpful then I assure you that you are not.

    It is too bad that those around us who want to be helpful so often do not understand that unless we ask for their active support, the only thing they can do is to passively encourage us from the sidelines… and sometimes that will be from a distance. If they don’t understand, put it to them this way: When you are watching your favourite sports team losing a game, what can you do to help? Aside from cheering them on and encouraging them from the sidelines, there is nothing else you can do. Running onto the field of play is just not an option. Likewise, the coach does not need or want your advice. Cheer them on, encourage them… nothing else is helpful.

    Dieting is no different.

    Do not lead me to temptation. I know exactly where it is, and I will go out of my way to avoid it, if you don’t mind…