Losing a part of me

Blog

  • Day 138

    I fell off the wagon yesterday… hard. Eduardo’s birthday barbecue was a great family affair, and I saw a lot of people I have not seen in years. My friend – and he truly is a friend – tried to convince me to eat blood sausage, which is not kosher for many reasons. It stuck in my craw that my friend who was born Jewish and who at the age of 76 I helped to get bar mitzvah’d would try to get me to eat that. I told him ‘Sorry, I can’t eat that.’ He replied, ‘No of course not… but today you can!’ I was truly hurt. I know he did not mean to hurt me, but that did not change the fact that I spent so much time on it. I focused on that, instead of eating properly. I had some cheese, which I doubt will do me much harm. After a reasonable wait, I had chicken and salad for lunch, which is not harmful. Then the birthday cake was served, and I fell right off. Not only did I have a piece of red velvet cake, I also had a couple of treats from the pastry tray.

    For dinner I had a piece of salmon with a side salad, and a huge helping of guilt. I then had four pieces of dried mango, which I wish I had not found the other day. At least I did not have a meal replacement in the evening on top of that.

    The bathroom scale scolded me gently this morning. I truly thought it would be worse, but I was only up .4 lbs. I was going to say that I hope and pray that I can stay on track today… but hope is not a strategy. I know that I have to go grocery shopping today – I am nearly out of milk, and I have only one head of lettuce left. I know I have enough chicken and fish for a while, as well as canned salmon and canned tuna. That means my trip to the supermarket can be reasonably brief. I am out of pumpkin seeds, so I will go to Bulk Barn… but I will not be buying any peanuts. What I might buy is the chocolate covered marshmallows that both Leslie and her son love. While he is already really excited to meet me, I told Leslie yesterday that I have no qualms about bribing him and buying his affection.

    I have taken chicken out of the fridge to defrost, and I will try to be as true to my plan as possible today. I feel terrible about how I fell off the wagon yesterday, and I need to get back on track. If I don’t… well, then I will always be a fat fuck.

    I have a few errands to do today, some of which are online, others I have to go out. Other than that, I plan to relax. My foot is bothering me, but it is not a gout issue – I think I had something stuck in my shoe between my foot and the heel, and there is a bit of a bruise there. I’ll wait a day or two before venturing out to exercise.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 137

    I am a little disappointed to be nearly one pound up today over yesterday. Even though I did cheat (I had 100g of peanuts, as well as a kiwi (thanks to my son… long story), and a couple of pieces of dried mango. I do not think that any of those were the reason I was up. I suspect that the chicken wings from Costco are super high in salt, and I am retaining water. Tomorrow, if I am good today, will be better. Of course, this afternoon I will be at Eduardo’s birthday party barbecue, and I have to be careful what I eat there.

    I golfed much better yesterday than the previous two rounds. Some might say that is because I golfed at a slightly easier course; I think it is because I shanked the ball less than I did on my previous two outings. It doesn’t matter how easy or difficult a course is if you keep shanking the ball.

    After the game, I stopped at Bulk Barn (I knew I was not going home) and I picked up my peanuts. We all went back to Ryan’s place for a cigar, and we were joined by his neighbour. He’s a nice enough guy, but he is a salty old, retired cop, and he spent the hour that we were sitting there complaining about absolutely everything that he felt was wrong in the world. I lost count, but if he did not say the word ‘fuck’ over three hundred times then I would be surprised. I finally did something that I cannot remember ever doing. I stood up (in the middle of one of his rants… it would have been hard to wait until the end of one to be polite, because if you blinked, he would have started in on a new one) and excused myself, telling our host that I had to go. I thought about texting him from the car to tell him why I left but decided against it. I do not know what everyone else’s position is on everything, and I did not want to offend him. Later in the afternoon I called Ryan to apologize, and he said ‘Look, Mitch… I knew when you looked at me that you weren’t enjoying it. Sometimes when he goes off, I have to walk away too. No apology needed!’ I was relieved… I never want to offend a friend, but at a certain point I was either going to explode on the guy or walk away. Better to walk away, I think!

    After taking HRF Princess Sophie for a walk, I made lunch. I realized my mistake in freezing the entire load of chicken wings as one, something that I usually would not do. Not only was I eating them for lunch, but that would also be my dinner. With lunch I tossed some vegetables with olive oil and seasoning and roasted them. With dinner I had a salad. After my lunch, I was chatting with Leslie and asked if she would like to have a virtual date night after her son was in bed. She told me that there was no way I was going to stay up that late! I told her I was going to nap so that I could… and so my pup and I got a couple of hours sleep in the late afternoon.

    The virtual date was going really well, until HRF started giving me signals. Usually, she tells me with her eyes that it is time to go inside, and so at 10:30pm or so I did just that. However, she made it clear that she wanted to go outside… and that is a sign that no dog owner should ignore. I told Leslie I would call her back, and the pup and I went for a little walk. Who knew that waking up so early in the morning would throw her schedule off like that? She thanked me for taking her out, and I was able to resume my date with my fiancée.

    It is time for me to start the day. I am taking cigars to the birthday party, so I have to pick what I am bringing. As well, I am gifting him a box of cigars… but those were selected a couple of weeks ago. I am tempted to lie down and rest for another hour, but I will probably just surf the net for a while and then head out.

    It is a beautiful day out, so enjoy it folks… wherever you may be!

  • Day 136

    As you probably know, I seldom write in advance. My schedule in the morning is pretty set – After I am out of the washroom, I weigh myself and then get dressed to take Princess Sophie for her walk. When we come back, I make coffee and my breakfast shake, and I take the shake and my first cup to the computer to write my daily entry. Of course, I am usually writing about what happened the previous day… along with my thoughts about food, my progress, and whatever else is going on.

    While I am scheduling this journal entry to go live tomorrow morning, I am writing it Friday evening. Tomorrow we are waking up at an ungodly hour, and after I take the princess out, I am driving to Cambridge for a 7:00am tee time. I will have my shake and then take my coffee with me… but I am not getting up an extra half hour earlier to write! Allow me then to write about today (Friday) as if I were writing tomorrow (Saturday).

    Yesterday morning my son the elder came over, and we went to Costco together. Most of what I bought was on my usual list, but in the butcher department I came across a package of seasoned chicken wings which looked like they would be tasty. I also bought enough balsamic vinegar that he asked if I would be able to finish it all before I got married and moved to Texas. I told him that while I did not know what the timeline for that move is going to look like, I am pretty sure that the United States has no import restrictions on balsamic vinegar. I also bought a piece of salmon that was big enough that I cut it up into five servings and froze them each in large Ziplock bags.

    We came back to my place, and after we put the groceries away, I asked if he wanted to stay for lunch. I made half the package of wings, and I froze the other half. I also made roasted vegetables. I absolutely love being able to do both simultaneously in the air fryer! Everything came out very well, and we had a good lunch that was reasonably healthy, while still sating my craving for wings. We had some interesting conversations, and after lunch he headed out, allowing me to sit on the balcony with a cigar… until it started to rain.

    The weather in this part of the world can be strange sometimes. I went onto the balcony at 2:45 and it was sunny and calm. Twenty minutes later it was windy and pouring rain, so I went into the house. Twenty minutes after that, it was sunny and calm again. I went back outside and spoke with my fiancée for a bit. After taking the Princess for another walk, I went to pick up my prescriptions, and then stopped at the supermarket. I realized that while I bought so many important items, I still did not have lettuce in the house. I also bought carrots, which is a good vegetable for my roasted vegies.

    I had chicken and salad for dinner and am ready to turn in early. Yes, I am setting my alarm for the ungodly hour of 4:30am, and so a 9:00pm curfew is called for. As for tomorrow’s golf game, I do not know what is in store. I can only hope that I will have improved somewhat over my last two abysmal performances. Because HRF Princess Sophie will be staying home, I will not be out too late. I might stay at Ryan’s for one cigar after the round, but I make no promises. I do not like leaving my girl home alone too long!

    (Actually written in the morning)

    One thing that I did accomplish by going to bed early last night was to forego the final meal replacement of the day. I was hoping that would show on the scale this morning, but in fact I was back up – more than the full loss from yesterday. I can attribute that to weighing myself a full four hours earlier than I normally do, but whatever. I will try to stay on track today… and if they ask me again if I am staying for dinner, the easy answer is ‘Sorry, no… I have to go home to take care of my doggie.’

    Have a great day everyone!

  • Day 135

    This morning I stepped out of the shower, I shaved, and then I went to the bathroom scale. Knowing that yesterday morning I had lost over a pound and a half, I was not expecting anything of significance today. I was not only pleasantly surprised, but also thrilled to be at a new low on this diet! With the 1.2 lbs drop from yesterday, I finally dropped below the lowest weight that I had achieved a week ago. With any luck, this downward trend can continue for the next couple of weeks (until I fly to Dallas to see my baby).

    I confess that I did cheat yesterday. I ate 100g of peanuts from Bulk Barn. I did not do so out of weakness, rather out of necessity. I left the house without a meal replacement and did not think I would make it through an entire round of golf without something. Yes, that is a ridiculous 564 calories… with 7g of saturated fat. It is also 25g of protein and 7g of dietary fibre. It gave me the energy to get through the round of golf.

    Speaking of golf… even though I did not play very well, I can say that the peanuts helped because I improved over the last six holes. On Monday, when I had not eaten anything past my morning shake, I was really dragging the last few holes, and just wanted it to be over so I could go home to eat. I played a course called King’s Forest, which is a very challenging course. Also, because of who I was playing with, I played from the white tees, which is something I have not done in a couple of years. Still and all, I shot a 103… a terrible score for me. Mike and I were talking about it, and it is true… golf is a game that if you do not play often, you cannot play well. This was my second game after a ten-month hiatus, and I cannot possibly expect to be shooting in the 80s like I was a year ago… when I played five rounds most weeks.

    My new dual-zone air fryer arrived yesterday, and I made dinner in it. On the left side I prepared my regular chicken. Once that was cooking (for 25 minutes), I prepared (for the first time in the air fryer) roasted vegetables. I chopped up some cauliflower, carrots, and onions. I drizzled them with sesame oil, and then sprinkled a vegetable seasoning on them. I mixed them up, and then popped them into the right side of the air fryer. It was convenient to have both sides available to me, and while the individual baskets are smaller than I am used to working with, they were both more than sufficient for what I was preparing. I expect I will be very happy with this new appliance… much more than I was with the other air fryer, which I did drop off yesterday as I planned.

    I have to do some shopping today. I have no lettuce in the house, no balsamic vinegar, and I am almost out of olive oil. I have extended an invitation to my son the elder, and if he accepts then I will go to Costco. If not, then I will just go to Fortinos. I also have to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy, which is in the same building as my doctor’s office. Okay, the idea to try that pharmacy rather than the one near me was convenient at the time (because I was in the building already) … but for renewing prescriptions I have to go a bit out of my way to pick them up. To be fair, it is probably still easier than the place near me, because for them I would have had to drive there, drop off the prescription, and then either wait around for 45 minutes or come back later to pick it up. On second thought, I guess I don’t mind driving to Oakville today.

    Good news! My son the elder just responded that he eagerly wants to go to Costco with me. I am thrilled that I will be able to spend a couple of hours with him. We haven’t spoken since last week when he told me some very important information, and I am relieved that I can spend some stress-free time with him… or at least as stress-free as any trip to Costco can ever be.

    It’s a beautiful day outside, and while there is a 50% chance of rain between 2-3pm, the rest of the day is either sunny or partly cloudy. I’ll take it!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 134

    This should be easy math: Yesterday I did not (really) cheat, and therefore my weight this morning was down. While it is certainly the case today, it frustrates me that it does not always work this way. Yes, my measurement on the bathroom scale was a good one (not quite my lowest weigh-in, but close). I am not unhappy with my progress. I simply wish that every day that I do not cheat, my weight would be down. Such is not the case. Oh well.

    On April 9 I was thrilled to drop below 350 lbs. It is nearly two months on, and I have not dropped below 344 lbs. I am sick of that, and hope that last week’s revelation about peanuts will allow that to change… and no, this past weekend’s terrible cheating did not help one bit, but if I can stay the course for the next few days then hopefully I will drop below 340 lbs. I know that in two weeks I am flying to Dallas, and after that will be my birthday, and after that a quick jaunt to Long Island to celebrate a friend’s wedding. I know that I will likely be back to the 340s for most of those… I just want to get below them to prove to myself that doing things the right way will show results.

    It might seem strange to many that I speak in pounds, and yet my official weigh-ins are in kilograms. Of course, if you are following along on my blog then you will not see that… I do not post my weights there. Yes, I grew up in a household where we were taught pounds and ounces; the 2.5 years I spent in California did not hurt that. Fortunately, my physician’s office is Canadian, and they work in the metric system. While I cannot convert pounds to kilos as seamlessly as I can do miles to kilometres, I do understand both systems. I should eschew the antiquated and senseless imperial system in favour of the completely logical metric. Old habits do die hard though, so I still do both.

    Leslie finally received the right birthday gift yesterday, and I decided to pull the trigger and buy myself the same Ninja dual-zone air fryer that I bought for her. Before I did, I made sure that I was able to return the essentially no-name one that I had bought previously. I still had a few days left to return it, so all is good. I am glad that I saved the box for it… I will pack it up and drop it off at UPS on my way to the golf course later this morning. Amazon asks you to select the reason you are returning something. This, dear reader, is an IQ test. If you answer, “I do not want it anymore,” or something similar, the return shipping cost was $65. If you go back and change your answer to, “It did not perform the way I had hoped,” then the return shipping is free. What can you do, right? The new machine will cost a lot more than the old one… but I really did not like the old one.

    As I alluded to briefly in the last paragraph, I am golfing again today. I must be a sucker for punishment, right? Hopefully today’s round will be slightly better than my last one, which was abysmal. If I had any brains on the subject, I would sign up for golf lessons… or at least spend some time on the driving range before heading out on the course again. At least the weather forecast for the day is not nearly as extreme as it was Monday, with a predicted high temperature of 21°c. I will not be as hot as I was… although heat had never bothered me.

    I was paid for two separate and unrelated payments for work done yesterday, which was a bit of a relief. It is not that I am running out of money, it is simply that I do not like having to chase the companies that I contract to. There are still a couple of outstanding payments owed, but the oldest of those is less than 60 days old, and so I am not entirely concerned. That is also owed to me by a company that a) loves me and wants me to continue to work for them; and b) paid another invoice yesterday. Again, not worried. It is just nice to see money going into my bank account… especially knowing that my actual day job has been stagnant for the past two months. I exchanged emails with them about that yesterday, and there is progress on the horizon… I just wish it was quicker!

    Two weeks from today I am flying down to Dallas to see my baby, and I could not be more excited. Monday afternoon I took delivery of my new threads that I ordered in March. Unfortunately, they all still fit perfectly. Yes, that sounds weird… but I do wish that by now I would have lost enough weight that they would already be loose. No such luck. I am hoping that by the time we get married in November, I will fit into my older suits and shirts. Here’s hoping and praying!

    Have a great day folks… I’ve got a couple of errands to run before hitting the golf course, but that’s what I have planned for the day. Whatever you have going on, try to enjoy it!

  • Day 133

    Yes, I cheated yesterday. In the evening I had a bag of popcorn and an extra meal replacement bar. I do not know why I was so hungry, but I was. I will do better today. The result is a very slight gain from yesterday. Today I will do better.

    I realized last night that I was out of balsamic vinegar so I will have to stop in at the supermarket. I also have an appointment to have a 3D image of my mouth taken as the preliminary step to getting a dental implant. Not an issue for now, but when it does come time to get the implant, I will have to be off cigars for something like three months. I am not looking forward to that. If I am still in Canada, then I will have the implant done in December, so that I will miss the worst of the winter months. What will happen if I am in Dallas by then? Well, I will have to figure that out. Time will tell.

    While I have no other plans for today, I have a golf game scheduled for tomorrow at a reasonable hour, and another for Saturday at a completely unreasonable hour. Really, Ryan… who thought that 7:21am was a good time to tee off, knowing that a) I have to take HRF out for her walk, and b) the course is an hour’s drive from my place? Gee, thanks!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 132

    As predicted, I was not going to win any prizes on the golf course yesterday. I hit a few good shots, I hit a lot of bad shots. It was a beautiful day to be outside, and I am happy I did it. What I should do is go to a driving range somewhere today. We will see about that. I have a game with a friend on Thursday, and wouldn’t it be nice to not suck up the course? We’ll see. I do have to do some shopping this morning. Maybe after I am done, I will go to the range.

    I did not cheat at all yesterday… although my schedule was off. My morning shake was normal, but then I did not have anything else to eat until after golf. I came home and almost immediately took the Princess for a walk, but not before I put the chicken into the air fryer. When we came home, I steamed the vegetables, and everything came out great. A couple of hours later I was still hungry, so I had a meal replacement bar… I am going to have to order more this week. At around 7:30pm I made a salad with a can of tuna, and around 9:30pm I had another shake. I ate within my program, only the times were off. Yes, I know I should not be eating at 9:30pm. I was 1.4 lbs down on the scale this morning, which is a huge yay!

    A trip to the supermarket is urgent because I am out of all of the provisions that I would need for a normal day on my diet program. I will buy vegetables, chicken (and probably a couple of pieces of fish), as well as some of the seasoning that I bought last time. Oh, and I think there is a vegetable seasoning that I might like for my steamed vegetables. I have enough milk for coffee, and I still have at least a half dozen cans of tuna. Chicken, fish, and vegetables, and some seasoning is all I will need. Oh, and I will look in the treats section to see if there is anything fun to bring to Dallas!

    Today is HRF Princess’ birthday! So yes, I will be spoiling her rotten. I might forego PetSmart and head to a gourmet doggie bakery to pick up some treats for her. While PetSmart is great, they can always be relied upon to have the same old stuff. I think if I head to Bark & Fitz there will be plenty of new options, which she will love. Yes, I plan to spoil my girl today… I will be mixing some chicken in with her evening meal for sure! I thought of just giving her chicken, but knowing her, she would expect that forever, and would never taste kibble again. No, I cannot do that.

    The high temperatures today is predicted at 31°c, which is about 88°F. It will be a good day to relax. I might call Lyle and see if he wants to smoke on his patio, which has a nice breeze. We’ll see.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 131

    Yes, I had popcorn at the movie theatre yesterday, with a large Coke Zero. Yes, I know that I should avoid treats like movie theatre popcorn at all costs. Yes, I know that aside from the 600 calories, it contains 31g of fats and 67g of carbohydrates. I made the conscious decision, knowing all of that, and knowing that it also has 10g of protein, and I used it as a meal replacement. I did not add butter, only some of the salt and vinegar flavouring that they give you… which probably added a million grams of sodium to my cheat, but very little else.

    Despite the popcorn, the bathroom scale was still better than yesterday. I did not lose tremendously, but I lost .4lb, which is better than staying where I was… or gaining.

    I have a tee time booked for this morning! As soon as I finish this entry, I am heading to the Tyendaga Golf Course to play my first round of golf in ten months. I am really excited… although I do not expect to do very well. I do not want my first round with Mike to be the first time I swing a club in a year. Wish me luck!

    I should also mention that Environment Canada has issued its first heat warning of the year. We are looking at a high of 29°c… which to put into perspective for my American friends is just under 85°f. Yes, Canada can be pretty wimpy when it comes to weather. I know I will be sweating out there, but I don’t mind. All I want is to enjoy myself… and to not embarrass myself too badly on the course.

    When I come home, I will prepare chicken for dinner, with a side of steamed vegetables. It should be a lovely meal… and yes, a perfectly predictable one, as I eat that nearly every day!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 130

    I was terrible yesterday, and the numbers on the scale reflected it. Normally, when I go to Ryan’s house for cigars, I can withstand the temptations. For some reason, yesterday was an exception. I had nuts; I stayed for dinner (hamburger patties, not terrible); I had cookies for dessert (terrible). I even had one (yes, only one) gummy worm… which in contrast to the cookies, which do have some nutritional benefit, has absolutely none. As I walked into the apartment last night, I felt the shame and disappointment that I failed… but would do better tomorrow. I will.

    There are reasons I will not go into why I was down. I was not depressed nor disappointed by news that I received Friday, but I would lie if I said I was not distracted by it. It was the distractions that caused me to veer.

    As a former soldier and hopefully a good friend to some, I know the importance of keeping confidences. There are things that people have shared with me that I will not share with others. Just as I do not like having my confidences betrayed, I try to not betray that of others. Where this complicates issues is that there are times when someone shares something with me that I could really benefit from the advice and input of others… but I am not really allowed to seek it. On the other hand, there are people who I would trust with my life, so if I discuss someone’s confidence with Leslie, for example, I know that the secret is safe… but it does not make me feel less guilty for sharing.

    Speaking of Leslie, she went to the beauty salon yesterday, and OH MY G-D does she look gorgeous! Combine her hair do with the makeup she did when she got home… yes, she is MINE, and I will never forget how lucky I am to be able to say that. She shared with me an interesting quotation yesterday. It was something like this: “When you get the woman that everyone wants, never forget that she is still the woman that everyone wants.” I have to remember to treat her like a queen every day… to treat her like I know how wonderful she is… because I do.

    My plans for today include trying to do better on my diet, but they might also involve going to see a movie. My fiancée does not like Tom Cruise, so I am free to see the new Top Gun movie on my own… I might just catch the early showing. After that? I will likely sit on the balcony with a cigar or three.

    Oh, and how happy am I? I have my first golf game of the year booked for Thursday! A cigar buddy and I have an 11:40am tee time, and I am thrilled. So that I do not go out there and look stupid, I might just go to a driving range either today or tomorrow… and who knows? Once my golf clubs are in the trunk, I might just book another round or two

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 129

    It is no surprise that the bathroom scale was up this morning. Yes, I had a glass of rum with my son… but it was more because it just did not make sense that I had lost five pounds in five days. Yes, I am down this week… but just over three pounds, which makes a lot more sense.

    I should also mention that my dinner, while very healthy, was extremely high in calories. I made a salmon steak with a side of steamed vegetables. The vegetables were fine, but it looks like the salmon might have had as much as 1,400 calories in it. I have to make a point to not do that one too often.

    Other than that, I was pretty good. I should not have had the rum but knowing that my son the elder wanted to talk to me about something, I felt it would put his mind at ease if I drank with him.

    Plans for today: Stay on the path. I’ll head over to Ryan’s for a cigar or three, and will avoid all of the temptations they put on the table (there are always nuts and chips and popcorn and such around).

    Have a great day!