Losing a part of me

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  • Day 146

    There are moments of anxiety mixed in with the excitement, knowing that in a couple of days I am flying to Dallas to be with my fiancée. The last time I tried to enter into the United States, I was denied entry. I do not think this will be a concern on Thursday, although I do suspect that I will be taken into the office for extended questioning. Fortunately, as my motives are pure and true, I am almost certain there will not be a problem.

    Now if only I could tell that to my emotional brain, which has fleeting moments of real anxiety over it. The levels are not debilitating; it is more like how I felt before embarking on a mission in the Army. You planned for everything; you just need to get through it. Okay, at least with this, there is no chance of anyone dying.

    I am back to eating peanuts, and I have to stop that. I think it is part of my anxiety, which means that in a couple of days, I’ll be off the peanuts

    On my second screen, I am watching the video of my Black Belt test, twelve years ago this week. It is amazing that it has been so long. It is amazing to look back and see how many things I would correct… and to know how many things I would have to correct to get back to that form today. I need to get back into a dojang, but first I have to figure out where I am going to be.

    I woke up really early today – 6am – and did my regular morning bathroom routine. I hardly slept five hours at that point… I had gone to bed at a reasonable hour but had trouble getting to sleep. Fortunately, when I got out of the bathroom, Princess Sophie was not gung-ho to go out, and I went back to sleep… for another three blissful hours! I cannot remember the last time I woke up at 10:00am when jetlag was not involved. Fortunately, I had nothing on my calendar for the morning, and all went fine.

    Despite the earlier predictions of rain, the forecast for today and tomorrow is sunny and clear, so I might get a round of golf in tomorrow. Today I am going to relax around the house, maybe do some writing.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 145

    I am not sure why I have been putting off writing this morning. I sat down at my computer over an hour ago, and it took me this long to get through my first sentences. Sigh.

    Yesterday morning I took my boys for breakfast at the same place we usually go. I sent our favourite waitress an email letting her know we would be coming, but she replied that she had been fired for no reason. Boo. The waitress makes little difference to the quality of the food (which is always good) or the coffee (which is always terrible), but a good server can make a meal more enjoyable. The woman serving us yesterday did not do that. Oh well. I had my usual healthy breakfast, and we had a nice time together.

    When we arrived at the restaurant, we were told there would be a 30–45-minute wait for a table, and that they would send me a text message when it was ready. We decided to walk across the street. The bookstore was closed, but the art supplies store was not. We walked around, and it turned out they sell STEM toys. My son the elder encouraged my son the younger to pick a couple out (as they were on a buy one, get 50% off the second sale), and while it was not his money to spend, I know that Gilad had never chosen a replacement STEM toy for the one that had not been delivered for his birthday. He was happy, and I never have an issue buying educational toys for my son.

    I had a headache from the moment I woke up, so after breakfast I came home and took a nap. HRF Princess Sophie was only too happy to keep me company. After a couple of hours, we got up and I went shopping… despite saying that I was going to, I did not go to the supermarket Saturday, and now I was completely out of veggies. When I came home, I made my chicken for dinner, and then sat outside with a cigar.

    I have a friend Josh who I have known for years, and a few years ago he and his wife invited me to celebrate Thanksgiving with them. Never one to turn down a turkey dinner, I was happy to bring a bottle of wine and cigars for after dinner. As we were smoking outside, he asked me: “Mitch, why is it that when I smoke any other cigar, I am left with a lousy taste in my mouth both that evening and the following morning… but when I smoke one of your cigars, I don’t get that?” The simple answer is that I only share very good cigars. Last night I smoked a cigar that was gifted to me by a friend, and let me tell you… I had to brush my teeth and gargle extra hard last night… and this morning. It was a very well-appointed cigar, with a double band that as embossed with the logo and fine print. The phrase ‘lipstick on a pig’ comes to mind. Still and all, when that friend asks me how it was, I will be nice about it.

    I mentioned yesterday that the previous day I had a very unpleasant encounter with someone. That person had told an extremely offensive anti-Semitic joke about gassing Jews, and as a result I will not hang out with or around that person again. It turns out though that I had inadvertently hurt Ryan’s sister’s feelings, and I felt terrible about that. I sent her an apology this morning, and hope that she will forgive me. I cannot help though but to wonder if her level of offense (the day after the fact) might not be somehow tied to the fact that her boyfriend is an anti-Semite, and she might be trying to create an equality that ‘Well yes, he said something that offended you… but you said something that offended me too, so it’s all good.’ I made sure that my apology did not try to excuse my words as anything other than stupid comments… but still I wonder.

    It is a beautiful day out, and I am looking forward to doing something I have not done in over a year. This afternoon I have a massage appointment booked, and I look forward to hopefully relieving some of the tension that is in my back and shoulders. I might take the opportunity to turn my mattress before I go, so that I will be sleeping on a fresh side. If I was smart, I would also go to buy new pillows… but knowing that in the next few months I will be moving in with Leslie, I do not want to rush to do that now. I am trying to keep my buying to a minimum… I already have too much stuff.

    Have a great day folks, and enjoy the weather… wherever you are!

  • Day 144

    I lost my cool yesterday and wish I could go back in time to change that. I am honestly not sure though if I should have walked away or punched the guy. Folks, here’s a suggestion: Never tell a Jewish person a joke about Hitler not being a bad guy and the gassing of Jews was a misunderstanding. It is a sure way to get you on someone’s shit list. He will not get another chance with me.

    I was at Ryan’s longer than I had expected so I ate with them… a large salad and some chicken tenders. I should have come home to eat, but that’s life. As for my weight this morning, depending on the measure it was either even with yesterday or down two pounds. I deleted those and stayed even. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

    I am taking my sons for breakfast shortly, which means that most of my morning coffee will be lousy. That’s life. When I come home (and they go home) I will brew a fresh pot to enjoy. The weather forecast is grim until 4pm, at which point it dries up a little. Tomorrow is the only sunny day on the forecast until I fly to Dallas, so I will try to golf.

    I miss my Leslie. I know she misses me. We are down to the short strokes now, but there are still four days until my love is in my arms.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 143

    I was convinced that today’s weight would be bad. I cheated yesterday with peanuts (although a reasonable amount), and some very dark chocolate, which has been in the house for months. With that said, I did not have my evening meal replacement, so it must have balanced out. I lost 1.6 lbs from yesterday. Remember yesterday? When I complained that what weight was gained in a day might take a week to lose? Well, I am happy to be redeemed on that front. I will cross my fingers that I stay on track.

    Yesterday morning I booked my Covid-19 test for my flight to see Leslie. An hour later, the USA announced that they would no longer require pre-departure testing effective Sunday, which means that I will not need the test. I am hoping that I will receive my refund (which, after a lot of searching, I discovered how to request). If I do not, I will still save the two hours that would have been required to sit in traffic getting there Wednesday afternoon. Yay.

    After a reasonable lunch, I am planning to head to see Ryan and enjoy a cigar or two. With gas prices being what they are, I might not have rushed to drive out there… but I left my hat there, and I definitely want to take it with me to Dallas, and so I have to pick it up. Princess Sophie likes the people out there as well, so it will be a nice change from sitting on my own patio smoking cigars.

    Before that, however, I will have to go do some shopping. I am completely out of every vegetable save onions and carrots, and if I want a salad with lunch, I gotta head to the supermarket. If my back was not bothering me, I might consider walking. As it is, no… my back has been tight for weeks now, and Leslie has been urging me to get a massage. I finally booked one, but it is for Monday. At least it will be in time for my flight!

    I am thinking that I might do something different with my chicken than I usually do. So often I simply spice it before throwing it into the air fryer. Today I might add the mango lime salsa to it, just to shake it up a bit. Yesterday I almost added salsa to my salmon, but instead I opted to prepare my Buffalo sauce. It is tasty and not terribly unhealthy, but it does have a lot of sugar in it. Other than that, I would be making Buffalo chicken for sure!

    I had a great chat with Leslie yesterday evening, and I did not want it to end. It is hard to believe that in five and a half days, we will be together again. It feels like forever, but it will pass and Thursday evening we will be together!

    The weather is currently gorgeous and sunny, but by 2pm there is an 80% chance of rain. Okay, I suppose the farmers need it. As I am not a farmer, I suppose it is just one more thing I’ll have to deal with. Dress appropriate and don’t roll the windows down in the car!

    Have a great day folks. I’m off to the supermarket.

  • Day 142

    A few extra mangos and some peanuts a few days ago caused my weight to jump nearly a pound and a half. Yet this morning, after a mostly good day, I was only down .2 lbs. Yes, I did have a couple of extra meal replacements… but I was still on a pretty good day. I know, that’s the way it goes… one cheat can take a week to recover from. Those darned mangos!

    Yes, I am in a better mood today than I was yesterday. While I am always completely open about my feelings and experiences and emotions, I exercise extreme discretion when it comes to others. My children and I have had discussions recently that have really thrown my emotions and affected my eating. The same is occasionally true for other people in my life, be they friends or loved ones. I write around those things because I do not want anyone to feel betrayed. Please understand that it is not me denying or hiding my feelings or emotions. I do discuss them… but I do not write about them when others might feel betrayed. Yes, Leslie and Lyle and occasionally Stephane get an earful about what I am going through!

    In six days, I will be in Dallas with my fiancée once more. I miss her so much. Our physical separation is painful, and I am so excited that in less than a week I will be able to hold her in my arms again. We have established what we call the ‘Rectangle Zone’ and the ‘Rectangle-Free Zone’… the times when we have to video chat versus the times we are actually together. It is always a relief to be with her again in the RFZ.

    After lunch today I am going to head over to Lyle’s house for a cigar on the patio. The temperatures will not be too hot (high of 22°c, but sunny), which means it will be nice and comfortable. Of course, with the configuration of their house, we might want to sit at the bottom of the stairs… the patio does not get any sun until the late afternoon, and we have found ourselves having to wear sweaters in the shade on the patio when we can be wearing t-shirts in his driveway. We’ll see. I think the last time I was there was Princess Sophie’s birthday, so not quite but close to two weeks ago. It will be good to spend time chatting with him.

    The weekend looks like there will be a mix of sun and rain, so I am not going to take the chance and try to golf. I’ll save that for early next week. Sunday morning I will try to take my son (the younger) for breakfast. Yes, I will try to stay true.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Just Ignore Them

    A few days ago, I shared a piece that I wrote about peer pressure. I was angry that a friend of mine tried to get me to eat something that was not only fattening but also not kosher. I wrote the article to remind myself – and others like me – how hard it is to stay true to one’s diet (and to one’s religion), and that pressure from friends was unwelcome.

    I got a response from a fellow dieter that read: ‘Just ignore them.’ This got me thinking.

    The word ‘just’ should be taken out of the language as far as dieting is concerned. Let’s look at some of the advice I have gotten from people over the years that begin with that word:

    • “Just cut out the carbs and you’ll lose the weight.”
    • “Just drink a glass of grapefruit juice before every meal.”
    • “Just cut out sweets.”
    • “Just eat between 10:00am and 6:00pm.”
    • “Just cut out alcohol and the weight will melt away.”
    • “Just walk a couple of miles every day!”

    The list goes on and on and on, ad nauseum. There seems to be this colossal misunderstanding that by adding the word ‘just’ in front of a suggestion means that it will be easy. If that was true, there would be no fat people in the world. Nor, for that matter, would there be any poor people, or weak people, or people who abuse their spouses and children.

    What would happen if we were to replace the word ‘just’ with something more appropriate and honest?

    • “As much as you love carbs, if you cut them out you will lose weight.”
    • “You may not like the taste but drinking a glass of grapefruit juice before eating might help with weight loss.”
    • “They are so tasty and addictive… but if you cut out sweets you will lose weight.”
    • “It is not easy, but some people find they lose weight if they only eat between the hours of 10:00am and 6:00pm.”
    • “We all love a drink now and then, but alcohol is empty calories and cutting them out can help you to lose weight.”
    • “Exercise is good for weight loss, as hard as it might be.”

    This advice may not sound easy, but it is honest. There used to be a commercial on the radio that started: “Losing weight is simple… but it is not easy.” I do not know how simple it is, but it is certainly not easy… and it is certainly not a one size fits all thing.

    I have a close friend who is a gourmet chef, and probably outweighs me by a couple hundred pounds. He is having success losing weight with intermittent fasting (the 10-6 thing) but has told me flat out that he will not cut pasta out of his diet. Okay, he still eats his carbs… and is losing weight. I have another friend who has lost a lot of weight by dieting but does absolutely no exercise.

    Do you see where I am going with this? There is no one approach to losing weight, but none of them are easy. Likewise, ‘Just ignore them’ was what my mother used to tell me about bullies when I was in elementary school. IDIOT! It isn’t like I was going out looking to be bullied. They came to me, and if I ignored them, I got beaten up. This may not have been the worst advice I ever got from my mother, but it was pretty bad. It was if she was saying “Why are you so stupid! If someone gets in your face and calls you names, just walk away and they will never call you names anymore! Name calling doesn’t hurt anyone!” Thanks, Ma.

    Rather than saying to someone ‘Just ignore them,’ try “Oh my G-d, that is terrible. I know it is hard, but you have to remember to walk away. Whatever you eat hurts you, not them.” There are lots of things you can say, but whatever it is… take the word JUST out of it and throw it in the garbage. Unless you are explaining something on a computer when you say ‘Just press the space bar’ just stop saying the word.

    </rant>

  • Day 141

    There are days when I am optimistic. Other days, I am less so… but I put on a brave face. I do not have a brave face to put on today. I just cannot bring myself to be cheerful and positive. The best I can do is to try to not jump off the wagon. I am going to try to maintain my diet program today. I have to make that promise to myself. Not that I am going to stay true… but that I will do my best. I will try to stay true. I cannot promise any more than that.

  • Day 140

    I stepped onto the scale this morning expecting to see the wrath of my cheating. I was surprised to be .6 lbs down from yesterday, which is awesome. The good news is that there is no more dried mango in the house. I will also admit that yes, I had some peanuts yesterday morning.

    There are days when it is harder being apart from my fiancée than others. Yesterday was one of the hard ones. It was her birthday, and she is not a huge fan of birthdays. Like any good, thoughtful, caring fiancée would, I called the florist on Monday and ordered a delivery, along with a lovely card. Yesterday morning I called her to wish her a happy birthday, and we chatted sporadically throughout the day (as we often do). Toward the end of the day, after she had expressed her exasperation about many things, I started to worry that wait… why hadn’t she at least gotten the flowers? I asked if she had received any deliveries, and she said she had not. I called the florist, but they were already closed. I sent an email expressing my displeasure (as politely as possible). Unfortunately, if they were closed, I would likely not get a response or satisfaction until the following day. Sure enough, this morning they responded that there was some sort of printer problem which prevented them from fulfilling the order, but it would be delivered first thing today… and it was, but still a day late.

    So how did I cheat yesterday? I think I have mentioned that I buy and stock certain snacks for Leslie (and I suppose for whoever else comes over and wants a snack) in the house. Of these, the only one that I really love is the dried mangos. Leslie knows this and does her best to hide them from me when she is not here. I have never really gone looking for them (well, once…) and they have never magically jumped out from their hiding place to tempt me… until last week. I was showing her son something in my pantry on video call, and I accidentally nudged a box of her cookies, causing them to fall… heavier than they should have. It turns out she hid the dried mangos in one place she knew I would never look! The good news is that there are no more dried mangos in the house to tempt me.

    The cleaning lady is coming today, but I also have some shopping to do. I am going to head out to the supermarket in a few minutes, and then at 2pm I will pick her up from the train station. I have nothing else planned for the day, although I might do some work on renewing expiring certifications. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 139

    I think I was reasonably good on the program yesterday, although I did have about 50g of peanuts in lieu of one of my meal replacements. I am glad that I was able to go to Bulk Barn, buy all of the chocolate marshmallows that Leslie and her son could want, fill up on pumpkin seeds (for salad toppings), and still only get a tiny number of peanuts.

    The number on the bathroom scale were good this morning… but they are meaningless on a day when I am seeing my doctor. I will be weighed on the ‘official’ scale in a little while, and I am hoping to record a huge loss over my last weigh-in. I know that 3kg is too much to hope for, but I do not think it unreasonable to expect a 2kg drop. My last weigh-in was shortly after my return from Cuba, but I know that was not the real reason I was not losing weight. More than anything, it was the peanuts. Small amounts might be reasonable, but the slippery slope from 100g to 150g to 300g was virtually unnoticed by me, and that is because I am a food addict, and I cannot allow myself to fall off like that.

    I am preparing my coffee, and then I am heading out. It is a rainy day today, so after I get home, I will probably do a little studying.

    —

    I did not quite make the 2kg mark, but 1.9kg down is pretty respectable… and with that, I reached a milestone. I have now lost over twenty kilograms since starting out. Yes, that is a drop in the bucket, but it is also progress. Small incremental steps is what I need, despite wanting those giant losses.

    I booked a haircut for today. Leslie likes my hair to be a bit longer (as it is now), but she understands that I usually prefer it to be short and cannot go longer than a certain length. Knowing we have three visits together coming up, I told her that I can either keep my hair longer for this coming visit, and then it will be short for the next two… or I can cut it now and it will be short for next week’s visit, and it will be longer for the next two. She is so wonderful and will love me no matter how long my hair or beard may be. Other than that, I have no other plans. I have not been sleeping well, so I will probably take a nap at some point. Having said that, it is Leslie’s birthday today… and although I cannot be there with her to celebrate this year, I have decided that this will be the last year that happens.

    It is raining like we are expected to build arks today, but according to the forecast, it should taper off by about 2pm. If that is the case, I will enjoy a cigar or two on the balcony this afternoon. We’ll see. In the meantime, it may be early for my haircut, but I am pretty sure I forgot my phone in the car, so I will likely leave early.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Kindly Shut Up!

    I mentioned earlier that I was at a friend’s birthday party over the weekend, and it was a lovely day… that was marred by my friend trying to get me to eat something that I should not eat. In this particular case, he was telling me how good the blood sausage was. I told him that as a practicing Jew, I cannot eat it because it is not kosher. My friend, who was born Jewish but has never practiced the religion, told me something like ‘I know… but today it’s okay to eat it.’ I was truly offended. My friend knew me before I started observing many of the dietary laws of my faith, so I suppose he knows that I would like it.

    It is amazing that thirty-three years after I graduated high school, I am still subject to peer pressure… and this, from an 82-year-old man.

    My relationship with G-d is nobody else’s business, and it is my responsibility alone to eat or to not eat in accordance with my faith. My friend did not hold me down and force non-kosher food into my mouth. I had to make the decision on my own… and I made the correct decision.

    Where I made the wrong decision was when the deserts came out, and I was handed a piece of birthday cake. Again, as someone on a diet, it is up to me to eat or to not eat what I should or should not be eating.

    Where that argument starts to weaken is when people try to tell you ‘Oh, you can diet tomorrow!’ or ‘Just take a break… one piece of cake won’t kill you!’ The (ironically phrased) icing on the cake is ‘Oh you are doing so well! Just have this, it is so good!’

    Let’s put this into context by replacing some of the words:

    ‘Mitch, you are a heroin addict, but you have done so well kicking the habit… one shot won’t kill you!? Just have this, it is so good!’

    Do you see where I am going with this? Food is an addiction and getting off the foods that are so terrible for us – and not just for a day, but for the long term – is extremely difficult, and requires a discipline that many people just do not have. I have been overweight for nearly as long as I have been out of the Army and kicking those terrible habits that I learned for so many years (from people who I thought loved me) is the hardest thing I have ever done. How hard? I have done it twice… and each time I ended up back where I was and am not on my third attempt.

    What is worse is that so many of the people who encourage you to take a day off from your diet are the same ones who told you that you needed to lose weight (or more often made fun of you behind your back). They are often the same people who tell you how great you are looking, and that you should keep it up. They are too often the people who claim to be your greatest advocates for success.

    By the way, some of these people are not actually trying to sabotage your diet… although that is exactly the result. Many of them think that after so many weeks or months of work that you actually deserve that piece of cake, bowl of ice cream, whatever. They do not know what temptations you were exposed to or succumbed to yesterday because they were not there. They do not know what will happen tomorrow because they will not be there. They assume that you can be on a diet 100% of the time… when you are not with them, but when you are with them you should enjoy the same foods that caused you to need to diet in the first place.

    In the end I did not touch the blood sausage, and my religious dietary discipline was maintained. However, the negative advice from my friend consumed my mind, and when it came time for birthday cake, I was not paying attention to the fact that I was doing so well on my diet; I ate the cake and a couple of pastries. While I am always responsible for what I put into my mouth, I was driven to distraction by the negative encouragement. Yes, it is on me… but my friend can claim an assist.

    Let me be clear, and this applies to both religion and to weight management: You can either be my advocate and ally one hundred percent of the time, or you can kindly shut up and keep your critiques and opinions to yourself. Do you remember how well you said I was doing? I did all of that without your advice and I am certainly not going to follow any advice to stop doing well. Some would say that your negative encouragement is counter intuitive. I say it is stupid and offensive, and I don’t want to hear it. Take your ‘advice’ to cheat just this once and shove it up your ass.