Losing a part of me

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  • Day 675

    My weight dropped below 250 this morning which was a nice relief. I still weigh 11 lbs. more than my best weight ever (which was over a month ago), but at least I dropped back below that horrible mark. Now all I have to do is work to stay there.

    My diet buddy and I were speaking this morning and she asked me what I plan to do with regards to eating while my friend is in town. I told her that for the time being my biggest concerns are elsewhere; I am going to try to stay on track, but I suspect that for the two days that he is here that might be difficult… and of course there is the fact that I am in so much pain inside that I am just trying to keep it together. The fact that I have only had a single alcoholic drink these last three weeks is beyond belief.

    I feel like a complete failure in so many ways and I just do not want to talk about it. I know that so many of my friends would be there for me if only I would reach out. For the time being I can count on a single hand how many people I have told of what’s going on. For someone who makes a point of always being there for my friends when they need help and support, I seem utterly uncapable of reaching out to them in my time of need. The fact that Jay is flying into town to support me reminds me that for the most part I have chosen my friends well. Through good times and bad…

    I am trying to gird myself for one of the more emotionally difficult conversations that I will ever have tomorrow evening. At this point I do not know how it will go or what will come of it; I do not even know how I want it to go. I am only glad that when it is over, I will have a friend here who will help me after it is over.

    I’ll see you tomorrow.

  • Day 674

    It is much later in the day than I would normally sit down to write my daily entry. Here I am.

    I got a much later start than I normally would this morning. I did not get out of bed until 9:00am or so, which means that by the time I got home from taking her Floofness out it was closer to 10:00am. I made breakfast (as normal, if later). I then studied for thirty minutes before running out to have my haircut. When I came back home, I studied for another hour before deciding that I did not have any more time to get any smarter before I needed to sign in for my exam.

    I have been trying to study all week, but my mind has just not been in it. I have really just been staring at words on the page; My mind was absorbing nothing. The only thing I had going for me was that I do know the field. Cybersecurity is not exactly unknown territory for me, although oftentimes the exam questions are written in a way that make really intelligent people scratch their heads. However much last-minute cramming I might get in, I was resigned to the fact that I was going to fail this exam.

    I was not at all prepared for the exam, and as I sat looking at the screen, I was doing my best to just pick the answers that made me look least clueless. That was not an easy task. By the halfway mark, I was just hoping that my final score would not be too embarrassing. I was encouraged toward the end of the exam when the last ten or so questions seemed easier… not easy per se, but more straightforward; the answers were obvious if you understood the material. There was suddenly a chance that I would pull this off, but I was still doubtful.

    I pressed the ‘Review’ button after I answered the last question. At this point I had the opportunity to review any questions I might have marked, but this is not something I normally do when sitting for certification exams. I clicked ‘End Review.’ At this point I just wanted to know if I passed… or how badly I failed. No! before that, there is a short survey they would like me to complete… not so much a survey as a questionnaire, and not so much short as… something like twenty questions. I answer them honestly, partly in protest but partly because I know soon enough, I will know for sure that I failed the exam. There is also a small part of me that is convinced that if you do not answer all of their questions honestly, they will dock you ten points from your final score. I know, that is not how it works… but maybe it is!?

    Okay, it’s done. Now I will know for sure how badly I failed. The screen comes up telling me that the passing score is 750 (of a possible 900). My score is… 753. I let out the breath I had not realized I was holding in. I actually passed. I did not expect to pass. Monday or Tuesday I will receive an email from CompTIA congratulating me on my new certification. I called my buddy Jay who knows more about cybersecurity than I ever could, just so I could share the news with him. I did not make any more calls, although I did message one friend – a reader of the blog, who was chatting with me yesterday about it. I told her I was not likely to pass, and she told me she believed in me. I am happy to say that she was right. Funny… I don’t feel happy. It’s just a saying.

    Alright, so where are we on the weight loss front? After the tremendous jump yesterday, I was relieved to see a slight drop on the bathroom scale this morning… although not as much as I would have liked. I had gained a full five pounds the previous day, so dropping only 1.4 lbs. this morning was a bit of a letdown… although an expected one. That kind of weight is not likely to shed off in one or two days. Yes, I am still above that dreaded 250 lbs. mark. I hope that tomorrow I can drop below it again. We’ll see.

    It is now 7:15pm, and I reached out to my weight loss buddy to see if she is free for a call later tonight. If she is, then I will light up the balcony heater and pick a cigar. If not, then I will likely just stay inside and watch TV. I don’t know… we’ll see.

    That’s all for today. See you tomorrow.

  • Day 673

    Wow, did I fall off the wagon yesterday. I fell hard, and I paid for it this morning. Not only was my weight up a whopping five pounds from yesterday morning, but it also shot over that 250 lbs. mark that I have been trying to avoid. I know, it is a bump in the road, and I will be back on track tomorrow; that does not make me feel a whole lot better now. The important thing to remember is that I can either redouble my efforts to do better today (and over the next few days) so that I can get back on track (and below the terrible 250), or I can wallow in my guilt and sorrow and not only stay above it, but most likely keep gaining. My plan is to get back on track starting right now.

    There were two critical factors that caused my lapse yesterday. The first is the debilitating emotional pain that I have been living with these last few weeks. There was nothing that was going to happen yesterday that was going to make that better. The second was my religious dietary restrictions which, and the fact that my friends do not observe the same. I’ll explain:

    I went to my buddy’s house for the day yesterday. When I suggested we get together I did not realize it wad American Thanksgiving, let alone that he and his family prepared an authentic Thanksgiving dinner. When I found that out, I was excited because I love turkey, and I know that they would likely prepare it very well. Of course, I agreed to stay for dinner! In the hours leading up to dinner they were asking me all sorts of questions about what I could and could not eat. The turkey was the central problem because every side dish that contained dairy was out. That included the mashed potatoes, the broccoli casserole, and a couple of other dishes. It would never have occurred to me had Ryan’s mom not checked, but the turkey itself was prepared with butter.

    Any Jew who observes the rules of kashrut will agree that it is much easier to be a vegetarian when eating with others. The moment I realized that I could not eat the turkey I realized I was now free to eat all of the other dishes. When presented with the smorgasbord of broccoli casserole, mashed potatoes, and stuffing (which was not prepared inside the turkey – I checked) I piled my plate high. Had I done that with turkey then I would have been just as full, but it would have been protein, and it would not have been nearly as bad. By indulging (dare I say gorging myself) on the starches and carbs, I was absolutely setting myself up for a disaster.

    I had done my best, but I had not quite eaten my sadness away by the time I left. When I stopped to fill my gas tank, I also picked up a bag of chips. In the past few months when I have done this, I have at least done the smart thing and chose the single-portion bag. Yesterday I was hurting so bad that I bought the family-sized bag. Yes, I know exactly how stupid that was. Yes, I polished off the entire bag. Yes, I regret it. No, I will not do that again.

    I have a friend in Montreal who has been showing that she cares. Yesterday she reached out, and when I told her I was still doing badly she tried to put a positive spin on it. She reminded me how exciting it is that I got my new clothes. She is right about a couple of things: firstly, it is important to look for the good in life… even when almost everything is going terrible. Secondly, it is nice that I will be able to wear my new shirts and jacket next week for my class. I am just having so much trouble seeing anything positive, but yes, they are nice and yes, new clothes are always nice. I am trying my friend… I promise I am trying.

    My plan for today is to run a few errands, none of which are food related. I will try to find a winter jacket that I like, and once I do then I will also return the two that I bought over the weekend. I know I went shopping without a clear plan, settling on what I found at the first two stores that I went into… rather than doing my due-diligence and trying to find the right coat for me. In truth, I am going to go try them on, but that is more for the size than for the purchase. If the stores have very good sales, then I will gladly buy from them; I have already checked the Internet and see the Black Friday sale prices, and if I do not find something comparable then I will buy online. Frankly I hope that will not be the case, as I would much rather purchase from a store… but I have to get the best bang for my buck.

    With regard to food: I ate my omelette this morning… along with a piece of bread that was leftover from yesterday’s ridiculous indulgence. For the rest of the day, I am going to stick with proteins only – I will prepare my chicken; there will be no potatoes or rice, only protein. I have had my fill of carbs for the day.

    Aside from that, I will be studying. It would be nice to sit outside with my laptop and a cigar for a couple of hours, but that will largely depend on what the weather does. Yes, I have my heater ready, but this morning was the first day of the season that I saw snow flurries. I suppose the deciding factor will be the winds. My exam is tomorrow though, so whether it will be indoors or out… I will be studying. Wish me luck!

  • Day 672

    Happy Thanksgiving. Sure… how can one be happy when there is nothing to be happy about? How can one be thankful when there is so little to be thankful about?

    My weight stayed the same as yesterday. I’ll take that as a win.

    My office chair has been a problem for a few months, and I finally pulled the trigger and bought a new one (second hand). I picked it up last night and it seems quite comfortable. Is that a reason to be thankful? No… but at least I will not have to worry about the issues I had with the old chair.

    I did a lot of studying yesterday and decided to pull the trigger. I booked my exam for Saturday afternoon. I always work pretty well under pressure, and knowing that Saturday is the day I will spend all of tomorrow cramming and preparing. Will it be enough? I hope so… the exam actually retires in two weeks, and I do not want to have to take it again next week (at great cost). If I do not get it then I will most likely abandon this one and start working toward the newer version of it. That won’t be too much of a problem, but I am still hoping to pass on Saturday.

    American Thanksgiving means that most of my contacts are completely off the grid today. I am going to spend the day with a friend. I need the company. My simple goal is to not eat more than I should. I had breakfast pretty late, so I will prepare dinner when I get home. I will have a reasonable snack, but will not eat anything else until then… or afterwards either.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 671

    I do not know if I am having a harder time today than I have the last few; I do know that the emotional pain and anxiety are crippling today. I am not sure if part of that is because when I took Her Floofness for her walk we met up with her friend Angus… a corgi. The lot of us then met up with Molly. Their mommies are very nice ladies and chatty and sociable, and we did our full walk for about half an hour and all that time I pretended that everything was okay when everything really is not. Looking at Angus… it is just painful inside.

    While I was speaking with the doctor yesterday, I told her what was going on and she asked me a lot of questions trying to determine if I might be in a state of mind to do harm to myself or to others. I assured her that my religion precluded me from self-harm; my religion and my desire to be a good person preclude me from harming others. I have no interest in hurting anyone. I do not want to hurt myself either. The fact that I do not know how I can carry on does not change the fact that I do not plan to end it all. No, that is not how I am going to go. As bad as things are, I am hoping that I will come out of this into something better. That might take a long time, but it will get better.

    I had mentioned that my weight was up significantly yesterday from the previous day. Fortunately, that righted itself this morning; according to the bathroom scale I weigh the same today as I did Monday. I hope to do better today so that tomorrow morning that number goes down again. I know, hope is not a strategy. I will work to make sure that is the case.

    It has been five months since my housecleaner has been here, and she is coming over this afternoon. While the apartment is not a complete pigsty, I am looking forward to having her mop the floors and do a bunch of other things that I normally forget to do. I did not book her in anticipation of my buddy coming into town next week, it only worked out as a happy coincidence. There is so little happy in my life these days so I will take what I can get.

    I’ll see you all tomorrow.

  • Day 670

    I fell off a bit last night, so I am not surprised that I did not lose weight this morning. I am also not surprised that my weight is slightly up from my last official weigh-in. If I can get my emotions back in check then I might be able to get back on track and start losing weight again. The doctor gave me a referral for an ultrasound for my possible (I suppose it is now probable) hernia. Fun… that will be next Thursday.

    I got some studying done yesterday, although not as much as I would have liked. I will keep at it today. I will also try to not fall off again today.

    To be fair, my ‘falling off’ yesterday was just in quantity and in timing. I had my regular breakfast, in the mid-afternoon I had the same chicken as I usually do, and then around 9:30pm I was extremely hungry. I made a salmon salad and some eggs. I should not be eating that late, but it could have been worse. I will try to make today better.

  • Day 669

    Recording a three-pound drop from yesterday morning was a good way to start my morning. When there is little good in one’s life it is helpful when even the most minor successes are achieved.

    My new clothes are on a truck out for delivery, which means that sometime today I will get my new shirts and sports jacket. That would have been so exciting just a few weeks ago. Now? Well, at least I will have new shirts to wear next week when I am teaching. I am not nearly as excited as I would have been.

    Speaking of clothes, I went shopping yesterday. I am likely going to return most of what I bought, but it was so exciting to be able to purchase a ski jacket in size XL. The one I purchased two years ago was a 4XL, and the one I was wearing since 2005 (which did not fit when I was at my most extreme weight) is a 3XL. I will be taking both of those to the charity donation bin later this week, even though I will not be wearing either the ski jacket or the coat that I bought (yes, I bought a jacket and a coat… don’t ask). I will take them both back and go looking for a proper long jacket that will serve both purposes. Yes, it will cost a little more, but it will still likely cost less than the two items combined. I am keeping the sweater I bought… it is a size L, in contrast to the size XXL that I purchased two years ago. Actually, Leslie bought it for me. Maybe that’s why I needed a new sweater.

    I noticed something on my body a few nights ago that is a bit worrisome. If I did not have an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow morning, I would have made one. I have a weird sensitivity and a lump in my pelvic area. I am not one for Doctor Google but from everything I know, I suspect it is a hernia. I will not self-diagnose and will ask my doctor in the morning.

    Speaking of my doctor’s visit, my weight this morning was within .2 lb. of what I weighed the morning of my last appointment with her. With a bit of luck (and a lot of effort) I might drop another pound tomorrow morning, but even if I do not, I am both relieved that I do not weigh more, and disappointed that I have not lost more. Of course, that is ignoring the fact that three weeks after that appointment I was down nearly 8 lbs., and that just three days ago I was 3 lbs. up from that. The last month has been a maelstrom of travel, emotion, and some wonderful and some terrible things… all of this putting aside the fact that my country is still at war and that the lies of public opinion make Hamas look like the heroes of the story while my people are seen as the forces of pure evil.

    It is nearly 1:00pm and I have had a slightly productive morning. I also realized that I did not defrost chicken, which means that I can either put it in the microwave, or I can go to the supermarket to pick up a defrosted package. I think that is the option I am going to take, as the packages are too large to rotate in my microwave oven… and I do not have the ‘stay put’ tray for it. In the afternoon I will be studying for the exam that I need to take within the next couple of weeks. Hopefully I will be able to focus and remember what is in my head. I am not placing any bets on that. The exam is paid for and it expires in two weeks so I am going to take it whether or not I am fully prepared… but I really do not want to fail.

  • Day 668

    I fell off badly yesterday. I went grocery shopping (I had no food in the house) and thought ‘what’s the harm in buying a box of breakfast cereal? Oh, I also bought a bag of mini crisps. Here’s the harm: I ate all of the crisps and most of the breakfast cereal last night and finished it off this morning. The result (nothing to do with the bowl of cereal that polished off the box this morning) was a two-pound jump in my weight. I deserve it. Today I will do better. I will also remember that when I am no accountable to anyone but myself it is best to not buy large portions of cheat foods… coupled with my current emotional state I will just not have the willpower to make the right decisions. This means that I have to make those right decisions when I am in the store. If I do not have the temptations in the house, then I will not succumb to them.

    The plan for today is to take Her Floofness to the spa. She will be there for a few hours, and so I will probably check to see if the cigar lounge near Chez PetSmart has a smoking area. If it does not, then I will probably just find a park bench and wait there with a cigar and my phone or a book. We’ll see. All I know is that I have to try to be good today. No excessive food. No cheating.

    I woke up this morning to find a message from a friend who reads my blog daily. She was worried that I had not published yesterday, and what’s worse, the last entry was from Day 666. Yes, even in my current emotional state I noticed the 666, and yes, I know that it is the number of the beast (although I swear I never understood what that was about), but no… there was no connection. As a fairly religious Jew I would never use a reference from the New Testament with regard to my dismay. In fact, I had written yesterday’s article, but I somehow got distracted and never published it. I fixed that this morning. With that said, I truly appreciate the love and support from my friends… many of whom I do not see or speak to nearly as often as I would like.

    Anyhow, it is time to get moving. Take care folks.

  • Day 667

    (Sorry, I wrote this on Saturday but forgot to press Send. –MDG)

    My weight finally dropped this morning… after five days of gains and over 5 lbs. in that time, it finally receded slightly. A 1.4 lb. drop from yesterday is a bit of a relief, if not a massive one. I could not have expected more though – not from the kind of week it has been.

    It is a mixed blessing to have the next ten days off now. I have a lot of preparation for an exam that I have to do, and there are a couple of errands I need to run. I would like to resume some sort of exercise regimen. Other than that, I just have more time to think about the mess. I will hopefully get more sleep, but I will also have less to distract me from what is going on.

    I was finally able to get some sleep last night. It took me a bit to fall off, and I woke up a couple of times, but I finally settled in and rested. According to my fitness watch my sleep score was higher last night than the last two weeks. I actually slept until 9:00am, which I have not done in a very long time. A couple of hours after waking up I had a very successful bowel movement – my first good one in several days – which would likely have made more of a dent on the bathroom scale this morning had it happened earlier. All in all, my body is slowly starting to recover… I hope. Now all I need to do is to get some exercise.

  • Day 666

    It continues to creep up. Yes, it is only a couple of ounces at a time, but my weight this morning was still slightly up from yesterday morning. It is frustrating, but at the same time I know that I have a hundred things going on that are much more pressing that that, and that as long as I am staying the course with my eating then I will eventually (tomorrow or Sunday) be able to resume exercising, and I will get back on track.

    It was not because of this that I skipped the rice that I have been eating with my lunch today. I was just not in the mood for it. I might have some potatoes with dinner, but we will see.

    I received a notification this morning that my new clothes will be delivered Monday. They are already in North America. At least I will be able to wear them for myself and for my students. That was not my original plan, but it is very minor consolation.

    My mood is still not great, but I am trying to keep it together. I hope that when I light my Sabbath candles this evening that the peace and happiness that I always pray for others will come into my heart this time.