Not doing well. Gotta get back!
Blog
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Day 695
While the dental surgery did not necessarily curb my eating, I was relieved to see a fair drop on the bathroom scale this morning. What will today bring? I don’t know… but I am trying to start moving forward on a lot of things, and my eating will be a part of that.
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Day 694
Still sliding. I am having dental surgery today. I hope that forces me to curb my eating today.
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Day 693
I am still trying to get back on track. My weight this morning is 256 pounds. I want to stop this upward trend and get the hell back on track. If only it was easy. If only my life was a bit easier…
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Day 692
These last few days have been a very bad slide for me, and I have to put a stop to it. I have to get back on track. Just a few days ago I was hoping to see my weight drop below 250 lbs.; now I am almost a full pound over 255. I have to stop this and get back to it, but it is so hard. Emotional eating is such a challenge. Having junk food in the house (a Christmas present from a company I teach for) was a huge temptation. I should have given the entire basket away unopened. Instead I devoured it all, and my weight loss journey has taken a body blow from that. It is mostly all gone (two gluttonous days) and I can redouble my efforts to focus. Do not buy any junk food. If I can do that then I can at least get back to a somewhat normal routine again.
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Day 691
My work schedule changed this week. Beginning yesterday I was teaching from 9am – 1:00pm, and then I had six hours off and taught from 7:00pm – 11:00pm. The change made me change my food schedule, so I had my breakfast as usual, and then after class I prepared my lunch. I was not hungry again before class, and I knew that I would not be able to eat again unless I ate a very late meal. I opted instead for a meal replacement shake, which I had not done in a couple of months. I was hungry again after class, so I had an apple. I was hopeful that I would not gain weight because of that late-night fruit. And then I saw the holiday basket that I received last week… and I started going nuts. I fell off the wagon last night and today.
I am done. I am throwing the rest of it away and will try to be back on track tomorrow. I hate what I am doing to myself. I have to pull myself back onto the right path.
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Day 690
The weekend was one giant dumpster fire of cheating. I am really hoping that it is now behind me, and that I can get back on track this week. I will not list all of the ways that I cheated but suffice it to say quite a few of them were emotional eating based on my current levels of depression.
I have gained two pounds in these last five days. I know that if I can rein my eating in for the next few days that I will get back to where I was a week ago. Once I do that then I can continue on and try to get back down to my best weight ever.
I have started to think that maybe where I am (hovering around the 250 lbs. mark) is where I am meant to be. I am not willing to accept that so quickly though. I think the combination of how busy I have been and how depressed and despondent I have been have made it easy to think that. I am not done trying to get back down to within a more reasonable range – if I can get down to 220 lbs. then I will be satisfied. If I can get lower than that, then even better. We will see… I have to get out of my emotional funk before I decide what I am going to do about my weight. For the time being, the most that I can do is to stop falling off the wagon and not cheat. It has not been an easy month. The coming month will be no easier.
See you tomorrow.
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Day 688
Another week goes by, and I have the weekend to decompress somewhat. I have a few appointments today with friends which will be nice, and in the evening I will go to my kids’ and light the candles with them for the third night of Chanukah, and then will take my son the younger for dinner. I would love to then have a relaxing evening and hopefully get some real sleep. We’ll see… it has not been working this past month, but maybe tonight will be different.
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Day 687
Some people might try to read into the fact that I skipped lunch yesterday. They might ask if I went overboard with my breakfast outing with my friend; they might even ask if, knowing I was that close to dropping back below the 250 mark, I might not be trying to starve myself. The answer to both those questions is no. After breakfast my buddy came over for a cigar. I really needed someone to talk to, and he is one of the few people who knows what is going on, and who has all of the background information. I think he probably gave me good advice. Whether or not I take it… that’s the question. It is not always so easy, even when we recognize the advice is good, to follow it.
Anyways, by the time he left, it was time for me to start my class. I told myself that I would make myself a shake between logging on and starting class, but as soon as I logged in I had students asking me questions. Okay, that’s the entire reason I log in early. I would make my meal replacement during the break. By then, I was not feeling very hungry, and I knew that I would be having dinner in a couple of hours. Bottom line… I ate one less meal than I normally would. Did that affect my reading on the bathroom scale this morning…? It did not. At least, it did not affect it in a good way. My weight was up nearly a full pound from yesterday. Grumble…
