Losing a part of me

Blog

  • Day 685

    You would think that days when I teach until 11pm I would be getting to bed reasonably soon after that. The last few nights I have lay in bed tossing and turning with difficult and depressing thoughts keeping me awake, so last night I decided to shake things up a little. After class I had a cigar on the balcony as I watched TV. I fell asleep at around the same time (maybe 3am), but at least I did not spend three hours in depressive misery leading up to that.

    My weight stayed the same this morning. I’m okay with that. I do not want to gain any more, but my diet it still not the most pressing thing on my mind. I am still above 250, but if I can stay put for a few days I’ll be happy.

    I picked my car up from the mechanic this morning. I left it with him yesterday because my brakes needed to be replaced, so this morning I drove home feeling just a little bit safer. He and I were talking yesterday about how so many people wait until the last minute to put their winter tires on. I always make a point of doing that around the middle of November, so with winter wheels and new brakes I am as safe as I can be.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 684

    It’s another hard day after another long night. I fall asleep after tossing and turning for hours. It’s little wonder that I am groggy throughout the day.

  • Day 683

    I’m not doing well. I wish…

  • Day 682

    As I expected, my weight was down slightly again this morning. Yesterday’s increase was just a blip. I am now precisely ten pounds up from my best weight ever and will work toward getting back there.

    I am going out east to have lunch with a friend today. It is a long drive, but I’m looking forward to the distraction. A lot of my friends would want to talk about what is bothering me these days. At least I can be sure that this lunch will be a mindless distraction. That is what I need.

    I suppose my plan for today is to just try to stay the course. I will get into my car and turn on my audio book, and just listen to the story. Who knows? I might even bring a cigar along for the drive. It’s definitely a long enough drive (each way) so I might just do that.

    I’ll see you tomorrow morning.

  • Day 681

    My weight crept up a full pound this morning, but after yesterday’s extreme drop of 3.6 lbs. I am not surprised that my body adjusted back a bit. Oh, and I also had more sweet potato fries than I probably should have eaten with my dinner. I will stay on track today, and tomorrow will be back on the losing track.

    I had plans for today, but they fell through. That is not a big deal and should not affect how my day goes. I am going to try to take it easy. I have a couple of errands I need to run, which I will do after lunch. After that I will likely sit on the balcony with a cigar and my tablet. My week has been an emotionally draining one, and I just need to decompress and relax. Tomorrow, I suspect a friend is coming over for a couple of hours. Until then I am happy relaxing and decompressing.

    Ahh… I just realized I have no chicken or fish in the house. I suppose I will be running those errands before lunch, otherwise there’s no lunch. I guess I’ll take that as my cue to get going. See you tomorrow.

  • Day 680

    I was hoping that my weight would be down this morning. I did not expect such a steep drop though. It was once again below 250. If I can stay on track for a few days, then I am hoping that I can make that a permanent thing. I do not know if that delineator has any relevance other than psychological, but the psychology is real. Who knows? Maybe one day I will be able to get below 220, and then make that my point of… whatever it is.

    I am working this afternoon, and while I thought briefly about going out afterwards, but have almost completely talked myself out of that. While it will be raining all day, the forecast predicts it will be drying up around the time my class ends. If that prediction comes true, then my forecast for the evening looks a lot like this:

    • Light the candles and say my prayers;
    • Eat a healthy dinner; and
    • Smoke cigars on the balcony while watching TV on my tablet.

    Of course, at some point I will also take Her Floofness out for a walk. She refused to go this morning, which means that my current step count is 700. It is not that she just wouldn’t walk out the door, but she must have sensed that her best friend Charlie was with our neighbour, and she ran right to her door. That deprived me of the 2,200 steps I would normally take in the morning. She just might get a much longer walk this evening… but we’ll see.

    Take care and Shabbat Shalom!

  • Day 679

    There is a simple rule in the universe: No matter what else you eat during a day, when you cheat by eating a bag of potato chips at midnight then you are going to gain weight the following day. Yeah, I know… it was a stupid thing to do, and I will not do it again. My weight jumped by about 1.5 lbs. overnight. It did not help that I had not been able to move my bowels since Sunday or Monday. That I was successfully able to do so later in the morning (after breakfast) bodes well for tomorrow… as long as I can stay on track. I am crossing my fingers that I can stay on track.

    Life goes on… In a few minutes I am heading out for my ultrasound. I will work this afternoon, and weather permitting this evening I will enjoy a cigar on the balcony. Depending on how long I am at the appointment, I might be skipping lunch. If that is the case then I will stop off to buy a healthy snack.

    See you tomorrow folks.

  • Day 678

    The simple rule of thumb is that the day after I order a Montreal smoked meat sandwich with a side of fries I will not lose weight. The fact that I did not gain weight is a triumph.

    I fell asleep pretty easily last night, but that did not last. My eyes popped open a little before midnight, and I could not get back to sleep. Too many stresses going through my head. I finally got back to sleep around 1:30am but slept fitfully. I was waking up early to drive my buddy to the airport. It was great to have him here for a couple of days… I have not been having an easy time of things, and having a friend really helped. Now I will be getting back to my regular routine. If the weather warms up a little, I might even try to get out for a walk tomorrow.

    I have an appointment tomorrow morning for my ultrasound. I am hoping they tell me that the scan is clear, but as I mentioned last week, I strongly suspect they will tell me I have a hernia. Sigh. There is no use worrying about it; they will do the scan and then my doctor will tell me if I need surgery or not.

    I have not been eating too well these past couple of days, but I will get back on track today. I had my normal omelette for breakfast and will have chicken for lunch. I will most likely have fish for dinner, although that is not set in stone. I have to do some shopping today because the cupboards are nearly bare.

    Speaking of which, I suppose I should head out. See you tomorrow.

  • Day 677

    Last night was a difficult, but I got through it. Afterward my friend and I went out for dinner, ending up at the pub down the street. I am not entirely sure why a pub needs to have a gluten-free night, but the truth is that I did not notice the absence of gluten in my fish and chips. Yes, I indulged. Normally I would not have – certainly not after 8:30pm – but I needed to eat, and my diet was not the primary concern. The fact that I did not have anything alcoholic is a huge victory.

    The numbers on the bathroom scale were down this morning, but I am still slightly above the 250-pound mark. As I said, my weight goals are not my main focus right now, but it is good that I am still paying attention to it and not going absolutely over the cliff. After my call last night, I told my buddy that I could really go for a plate of deep-fried breaded wings with the sauce dripping, and he told me that it would be understandable. I told him that if I did that then it was a sign that I was giving up on my weight loss… that I was giving up on me. I am not there, but it was still tempting. We tried to go for Lebanese food, but the restaurant was closing; the pub was our fallback choice, and despite it being deep-fried, it was better than the wings. We went for breakfast this morning, and I had a plate of French Toast with berries. I know it was a cheat meal, but again… there were much worse choices that I could have made.

    I am trying to stay focused and to stay on track. It is not easy, but I will continue to pray and to meditate, and to focus on what I need to do so that I can eventually get back to where I need to be. Hopefully what I am doing will be enough.

  • Day 676

    My weight jumped again this morning. While it was disappointing to be back above 250, I will not let that phase me. Certainly not when there are so many other things that are phasing me.

    My buddy flew in this morning. It is good to have someone who I can talk to. This evening is the call I have been dreading, and I am trying to figure out how to get through the day… and then how I am going to handle that call.