Losing a part of me

Tag: Mental Health

  • Day 3 Drama

    Yesterday I was strict on the program during the day, but not in the evening. If I am going to cheat, I know it should be during the day, and not at night. I didn’t have a lot of choice. I didn’t even cheat too bad… a friend brought Vietnamese pho for dinner. Yes, the noodles are bad for the diet, but that is the only ‘permanent’ bad of it. The reason my weight was up an astonishing 3.5 lbs. this morning was more for the ridiculously high sodium content, which is bad for the water retention issue, but will likely be reversed within a day or two.

    I was not feeling well yesterday evening. I felt a cold coming on starting mid-afternoon, and it continued to worsen throughout the day. I told my friend, who understood and went home after dinner so I could get into bed quickly. I may have been in bed by 8:15pm, but I did not fall asleep until 10:45. I still slept quite soundly, and am (so far) feeling better today.

    I am enjoying the class that I am teaching this week. It is way outside my usual comfort zone, but I spent the requisite time preparing, I sat (and passed) the exam over the weekend, and two days into it my students seem to think that I am doing well. Phew! Occasionally there is a class that I am forced to teach which I really have to ‘fake my way’ through. This week is not one of them. I have been using Microsoft Windows since 1985 and very deeply since Windows 2000 and am considered one of the top guys in it; with that said, I have used Linux quite a bit, especially for my cybersecurity work, and while I never considered myself an expert in it, the week I spent preparing for the exam (and this class) solidified a few concepts for me that were probably the difference between ‘user’ and ‘expert’ levels. I plan to keep working with Linux, and hope that I can continue to get more comfortable with it.

    In the opening paragraph of this journal entry I mentioned that if I am going to cheat, it should be earlier in the day; this is so that my body can process the bad before I go to sleep. I also said I often will not have a choice in the timing, especially when there is an evening meal involved. Today I do have the choice! There is leftover pho which I will enjoy for lunch. Not only can I eat it earlier, but because it was my friend’s leftover portion (they ordered the same as I did, but because of a weight loss surgery their stomach is much smaller, hence so is their appetite) so it is a much more reasonable portion than what I ate last night. I trust that since I will be eating smaller and earlier, I will still see a drop in my weight tomorrow morning. Even if I do not, I still feel that I am getting back on track.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1309

    I forced myself to stay awake as long as I could… which is to say until about 3:30pm. I then crawled into bed and slept for a couple of hours. As happens far too frequently, especially when I try to sleep during daylight hours, my eyes popped open a couple of hours later. I then did something that I do not usually do. Despite feeling like I was awake, and knowing that I was still exhausted, I stayed in bed. I probably got up to pee, but then I got right back into bed. I might have checked my email quickly, but I did not stay on my phone for any other purpose. I stayed in bed, and I eventually fell back asleep. While my fitness watch did not register it as such, I probably slept a full nine hours last night. It was blissful. I feel much more awake today than I have these last several days.

    These last couple of days I have eaten one of the new meal replacements for my mid-night breakfast. Aside from the fact that I would not have had time either day to prepare anything, it was a healthy and convenient ‘meal’ that I would not feel guilty about. I had the wafers both days – yesterday’s was mocha, today’s was chocolate – and they were both tasty and satisfying. By the time my lunch hour comes around (at 6:00am) I will make an omelette. As I mentioned, I have enough food in the house for a couple more days; by the weekend I should be able to get back onto the program… as long as I can do it with these meal replacements. It will be an adjustment, and I am not sure if I will succeed. I just looked and the product I usually use is still sold out. That is frustrating, and I am not sure how I will adjust… or if I will stick to a revised partial program for the time being.

    For the third night in a row, my weight dropped… significantly. I am now 5.8 lbs. lighter than I was just a few days ago. That is great, except that I am also still six pounds heavier than I was on my best day. I have a long way to go to even be back on track.

    This program is easier when the product is available but maybe the non-availability will force me to use some sort of self-control which might, in turn, become a habit.

    It is now 8:15am and I have less than three hours left to go before the end of my work day. I am hoping that a buddy is coming over for a cigar in the afternoon. I am also hoping that I can repeat yesterday… sleep from 5pm-1am. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1308

    We are half way through the week. This morning I woke up at 12:45am and said to myself that there are only two more ridiculously early mornings left before I can resume a normal schedule. I am truly looking forward to that. Once again, I got a bit of sleep in the afternoon yesterday, and then I got four hours of sleep at night. I would have slept much better in the afternoon had I put my phone onto ‘silent’ mode. I do not ever ignore phone calls from my sons, and I was happy to hear from my son the elder. After he gave me a not-so-brief rundown of what was happening in his life I told him I wanted to go back to sleep and he understood. As inconvenient as if initially felt to be awakened, it was fortunate that I was because there was a message from a friend that he was coming over… I had completely forgotten that I had invited him! Aside from wanting to catch up, he also had a portable hard drive that I had loaned him. When I thought to back up my computer over the weekend I realized I did not have it and knew exactly where it was.

    The friend who came over is one who was on the same program that I am on. He was even under the care of the same doctor that I originally did it with. As such, I felt comfortable discussing the frustration I am feeling over the company’s supply chain issues. We discussed possible alternatives, and he had some good insight for me. In the meantime, the replacement meal replacements did arrive yesterday, and I had my first one just a few minutes ago. It was palatable if not delicious. I just have to remember that it will be six per day rather than my usual four. With that said, I will not be resuming the full program today; I have food in the house for two more days, and I do not want to waste it. I also do not want my class to suffer for my Day One Syndrome.

    My weight had shot up terribly over the previous week, and I am relieved that after a peak a few days ago I am back on a downward trend, even though I am not back on the program, and my circadian rhythm (sleep cycle) is shot to smithereens. I have dropped three pounds from my peak (not Day One)

    I am tired as I type this, but I am sure I will be able to make it through the day. I only have 8.5 hours left of teaching. How fun.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1294

    **NOTE: This post was written August 6, 2025… I just noticed that it did not publish. I am backdating it for that reason. -MDG

    I was shocked when I saw the numbers on the bathroom scale this morning. Remember that nearly-1.5lbs. drop from yesterday? I put back 1.6 lbs. this morning. I was furious… until I realized two things: Firstly, it was 1:30am. I am teaching in Europe for the rest of the week, and I had to be at the computer and online for 3am. Secondly, I had not slept a wink. Try as I might, I did not fall asleep for even a minute. My alarm was set for 2:15am but I turned it off and got out of bed and showered long before that. Those two factors make this morning’s (sic) weigh-in completely meaningless.

    I passed my exam! For the second time in two weeks, I passed a very high-level cybersecurity exam. I was comfortable with most of it… until they gave me a Linux virtual machine and told me to do something that I have not done in a very long time. For the life of me I could not remember any of the necessary commands, and eventually I did what I could and then closed the VM. I was convinced that would have ended my chances of passing. Nope! I then took care of a bit of work, and then enjoyed a fine celebratory cigar on the balcony.

    I am sure there is more to write, but I am looking at the clock and my class break is nearly over. I will try to do as well with my eating today as I did yesterday… which will be more of a challenge because I will be taking my son the younger for lunch again. I am looking forward to spending time with him… but not to sitting in a restaurant and not eating.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1283

    I did not expect to see another huge drop this morning, so imagine my surprise when the numbers on the bathroom scale were another 1.4 lbs. down from yesterday!? That puts my loss-to-date at 31.8 lbs. on Day 27 of my latest attempt. I am thrilled with that! As well, after dropping only 3.2 lbs. last week, So far this week I have dropped 5 lbs.! What I am not thrilled with is that I am still well above the terrible mark. I hate that I let myself get so out of hand this calendar year.

    Analyzing the past data, while my weight first crept above the terrible mark at the end of September, in October it was higher than that for fifteen days, and then November it was fourteen days. In December I was doing better for a while… only seven days above that terrible mark. And then there was January… where I dropped below the terrible mark only once – and not since that day have I been there.

    If all goes well then by the middle to end of August I should drop below it once more. I will breathe a sigh of relief when I do.

    As it stands, the clothes that I ordered in June are a bit loose on me. I am wearing them comfortably, but you can tell I have lost a pound or two… or rather 18.4 lbs. to be precise! I am still disgusted that I cannot even button up the biggest of my sports jackets (although I am more comfortably able to wear my suits), and have reluctantly made a decision. Each time I have lost all of the weight, I have said ‘I will never gain it back again!’ and I have given away all of my fat clothes… which is why I had to get a new sports jacket and three new shirts made for me in June. When I can finally wear my slimmer clothes again I am going to take these new shirts and jacket and put them in a garment bag marked ‘If I am ever Fat and Ashamed again.’ I will not throw them out… but I will put them away in my storage locker.

    (I should mention that while I gave away the largest of my sports jackets, I am currently wearing a shirt that I had made in 2022, when I was first losing the weight. I have several shirts that do not fit yet, but I now have several from the down swing that do. They did not fit a month ago.)

    I mentioned yesterday that I had not moved my bowels in the morning… well in the afternoon I had what was probably the best movement since I stopped eating solid foods. I would not be surprised if that was a big contributing factor to this morning’s significant weight loss. What a relief! This morning I have thus far been unsuccessful, but there is still hope for the afternoon.

    My sleep score was up to an 87! I was surprised because of a number of factors:

    1. Even though I was in bed at a reasonable hour, I had a lot of trouble falling asleep.
    2. There was an Amazon delivery driver who decided to phone me at 6:30am to let me know he was leaving a package at my door. That is really my fault for disabling Sleep Mode on my phone… but I did not think I was going to get back to sleep after that. I did (phew!)

    I cannot think of the last time I had three nights in a row with a sleep score in excess of 80… Saturday night through Tuesday morning I registered 86-84-87. Woohoo! This, in addition to the nap I took yesterday afternoon.

    Yes, I took a nap. I spent most of the day trying to record a video for the course I am writing, and there was not one minute when I was not holding back a yawn. I could not figure it out, and finally I decided to walk away from the computer. I took Her Floofness out for a walk (she did not really feel like being out, so we only walked the perimeter of the building before coming back inside). She ran to Sue’s (the neighbour) for a visit, and I sat on the balcony with a cigar and a book. I thought that just maybe a break from not only sitting at my computer but also from studying computers would be beneficial. After my cigar was done I was feeling no more awake, and gave in to the temptation. I slept for an hour.

    While the nap certainly did my body good, I was still yawning all evening. On something like take 87 I was finally able to submit my video. (There was one take, maybe twenty or so takes earlier, that was definitely good enough… only for me to realize that while the screen and the mic were working, my camera was not. ARGH!) Video work is a lot more frustrating than teaching a live class… when I stumble over my words in class I can make light of it. That would not work for a recorded class.

    I did have a handful of peanuts yesterday…and I will again today. I am, as I said a few days ago, eating them in lieu of my fourth meal replacement. Three shakes and a handful of peanuts is not a bad compromise. I also suspect (with no scientific basis for it) that the peanut oil is helping the fibre in easing that last part of the digestive process. Maybe yes, maybe no… but I had the peanuts yesterday and recorded a huge weight drop, so maybe in moderation even if it doesn’t help… it doesn’t hurt.

    I do have some more video work to do today, but I also have an exam to prepare for this afternoon. As such, my plan is:

    • Head out after publishing this journal entry to visit with my son, stopping for a handful of peanuts along the way.
    • Come home, study for my exam for a few hours.
    • Clean off my kitchen table so that it will be completely clear for my exam.
    • Set up the exam computer.
    • At 4:45 I will either drop Her Floofness at Sue’s, or if she is not home I will put her in my bedroom so that I can take my exam.
    • After the exam, I will try to record the next video in the series.
    • After the sun goes down I will sit on the balcony with a cigar… if I pass my exam it will be a celebratory cigar (yes, it is a pretty advanced certification); if I do not pass then it will be an everyday pedestrian cigar. Let’s hope!

    Okay, it’s time to get moving. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1292

    30.4. The bathroom scale this morning confirmed that it took me twenty-six days to drop 30.4 lbs., and I nearly wooted out loud. I suspect it would have scared Her Floofness so early in the morning, but I quietly smiled.

    Yesterday was the second day in a row that I moved my bowels twice. I suppose the fibre is finally doing its job! Aside from dropping another half pound, I was also happy to see my sleep score of 84 this morning. Even though I wish I could have slept another 30-60 minutes, and my fitness watch categorized it as: ‘shorter than ideal, plenty of deep.’ That means that four of the last seven nights I had a sleep score of seventy-five or better. I think it is a combination of the melatonin and going to bed a little earlier that is helping. Of course, that ends Wednesday… I am teaching another class in Europe Wednesday through Friday, which means my sleep cycle will be completely upside down again. To make things even more interesting (sic), I should be receiving confirmation today or tomorrow that I am also teaching a class in Europe the next two weeks straight. Financially that is a relief. Sleep wise? Not so much.

    The class I should be teaching the next two weeks is for a certification that I do not currently hold, so I am preparing to sit the exam Wednesday… although I will be deciding sometime today whether or not to move that up to tomorrow… or even this evening. We’ll see. It is another high-level cybersecurity exam, and while it is slightly different from the CISSP, it is not significantly different. Going through a lot of the material I realized that there is a huge overlap in material, which is why I am thinking of moving it up. Practically speaking, that also would give me more time to reschedule it for the weekend if I do happen to fail… which is unlikely, but always a possibility.

    Yesterday I drove out to see my son around 11:00am, and then after about an hour with him I drove to Hagersville for my cigars, just as I had planned. I also take the opportunity when I am out there to fill my gas tank – the difference is at least twenty cents per litre!

    I kept telling myself that I needed to stop off for milk and cheese before I went home, and then I got distracted. The next time I thought of it I had already parked the car. Rather than hop back in, I went into the house, greeted Her Floofness, and took out the garbage before I headed out. I grabbed a reusable bag and walked to the supermarket on the corner. I was surprised that even with that walk I had not hit my steps goal for the day. As low as the goal is, I figured that would have done it. Luckily, despite several earlier outings, Princess Sophie told me she wanted to go out after I came in from my evening cigar, at which point not only did she poop, but I was also able to achieve my daily steps goal. I am hoping that yesterday was Day 1 of a new steps-goal streak. I know that with my crazy work schedule it might be a bit challenging, but let’s see if I can do it.

    Okay, I have rescheduled my exam for tomorrow afternoon. Now I have a bit more prep to do before I am ready. I also have some videos to record today for a contract I have been working on. It should be a fun if harried couple of days.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1289

    This morning was the first in several days that I moved my bowels as part of my early morning routine, and not after walking Her Floofness. It was not huge, but it was good to be able to do it. As I mentioned yesterday, I have to be careful so that I do not end up in agony from a blockage like a few weeks ago.

    My sleep score was up to 77 this morning… again, if I had gone to bed earlier… but also if my alarm was not set for 5:45am I am sure it would have been better. I know next week I am teaching a three-day class in Europe so I will bve jetlagged again, but I hope that it does not throw my diet willpower off.

    If today is Day 23 of my renewed efforts at weight loss, I can proudly say that I have so far lost 27.2 lbs., and while the pace of more than a pound per day will fall off within a week or two, I can still be proud for what I have achieved thus far.

    Yesterday I ran off the rails a bit… I left the house, once again, unprepared. I did have some peanuts along the way, and when I got to my meeting at the pub I immediately ordered food and a drink… I asked for a glass of water and a plate of carrots and celery. I am a bit down about the peanuts, but not the veggies. There was some family stress and although I felt bad for what my son was dealing with, there was also nothing that I could do to help other than giving him advice… which I did. I spent half an hour with my son the younger as well… it was great to see him, and I will do the same again this evening.

    I have to run out now – my new optometrist is waiting, and I am looking forward to getting glasses with an up to date subscription so I can see but more important hopefully my eyes will not tire as quickly.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 1288

    With my weight down another pound this morning, I am, after three weeks, down 26.8 lbs., and while I am impatient with my slowed rate, and somewhat disappointed by the week-over-week loss of only 3.2 lbs., I nevertheless have to remember that while my commitment to the program has not wavered, nonetheless my strict adherence to it has this past week has not been great. It has also been quite an emotional week, what with my passing my exam, my son the elder going off to begin his Master Degree, of course that on top of all of the usual excrement that is pervasive in my life… I will take it and run.

    With all of that said, I have no excuses for this week coming… at least, not that I can think of. I will be taking care of my son the younger from this afternoon until next Wednesday – he will not be staying with me, but I will be dropping in to see him twice per day as his mother and her partner drive our son the elder down to university. She specified that I can take him out to eat only once maybe twice… and I will use her instructions as my excuse to him. For the times that we do go out to eat, I will simply not eat. If I am terribly tempted then I will do what I did Tuesday evening… I will order a plate of carrots and celery. I cannot allow anything to get in the way of my success. If in the next week I achieve the same weight loss as I did the last week then I will be able to say that in four weeks I dropped thirty pounds. If I falter? Well to put it bluntly then I will not succeed.

    I was in bed and asleep at a more reasonable hour last night, and while my sleep score was up, it was only a 75. Nothing to write home about. With regard to my other bodily functions, I have not been able to move my bowels this morning. Thinking back to how I was two weeks ago, I am tracking this because I do not want to be back in the position where I am in pain because of it… let alone such extreme pain as I was in on Day 8 (Day 1275). I know that I moved them yesterday, and that while I am not eating solid foods it is not always going to happen every day… but if I go more than two days without voiding my bowels then I am prepared to take the second of the two packets the pharmacist gave me that helped clear me out. I do not want to be in a position where I am in agony before I act.

    After I pop in to see my son this afternoon after my class, I then have to drive down to Grimsby again to meet with someone with whom I have been trying to connect for the last six weeks or so. For this meeting I have no choice but to meet at the resto-pub that I was at Tuesday… the man I am meeting with is the owner. I hope he does not get offended that I will refuse his hospitality but my diet cannot afford for me to eat. If he insists then I will accept the carrots and celery that I indulged in the other day.

    Last night as we sat on my balcony, it started to rain… and rain it did! I do not know how long it lasted, but this morning was notably cooler than it has been these last couple of weeks; they say the rain broke the heat wave. While it was not raining when Her Floofness and I were out, it was clear that it had rained quite a bit overnight. There is no more rain predicted for the day, and while the rest of the week’s forecast is sunny, the temperature predictions are definitely lower than they have been. It will not be chilly, but they will be seasonable.

    My goal for the day is to get through it, then go to see my son, and then get to Grimsby and back without breaking my program. Wish me luck!

  • Day 1280 – Afternoon

    I still cannot believe it.

    I left home at 11:15am so that I would be at the testing centre thirty minutes before the scheduled start time of noon (that is not only recommended, but ISC2 states that if you are not at least fifteen minutes early then you are considered late). I was driving down Walker’s Line when I realized that I had not taken my meal replacement shake with me, which had been my plan. With all of the stress and anxiety in my gut, I did not want to make things any worse by going into the exam room hungry. I stopped at a convenience store and picked up a sleeve of peanuts. They did not have any unsalted peanuts, and I know I will be paying for that tomorrow morning when I step onto the scale. With my emotional turmoil I decided that was a problem I was willing to live with. I even splurged… seeing that the nutritional facts were pretty close, I picked the salt and vinegar flavour.

    The staff were welcoming and helpful, but that would not be helping me to get through the next two hours. They had me take off my watch, ring, and my dogtag (although they let me keep my chai necklace), and empty my pockets of everything except my drivers license. It all went into a locker and I was escorted to the exam room.

    As I sat at the computer at the testing centre filling out the post-exam survey, I was trying to think how much more studying I would need to do before I would be confident that I was ready to re-sit the exam. I clicked ‘End Survey.’ I raised my hand to call the proctor over. She had me rescan my palm print, checked my ID, and escorted me out of the room.

    As I was reasonably certain that I would not like what I would see on the score report, I did not mind that the administrator told me to collect my things from my locker before collecting it. I was actually relieved by this because I was extremely thirsty, and along with my wallet, watch, keys, and jewelry I had also left the half-bottle of water that I was drinking as I arrived.

    ‘Congratulations! We are please to inform you that you have provisionally passed the Certified Information Systems Security Professional (CISSP®) examination. Your examination result is provisional in that it may be subject to further psychometric and forensic evaluation before a certification decision is reached.’

    I did not even read past the first word… my mind exploded with relief. Unlike last week, I did not wake up this morning with that sense of peace that came with the acceptance that I was unlikely to pass and that it did not matter. I was stressed, I was anxious, and I was frazzled. I wrote in my journal this morning that I was a bit out of sorts and that I had not slept well. All true. I walked into the exam room with that same heavy weight that I have been carrying on my shoulders for… how long? I don’t even know.

    I have another high-stress situation that came up this morning, but that is going on the back-burner until Friday. This evening I am going to go for a walk, then I am kicking my feet up and relaxing. Tomorrow I have several engagements that will keep me busy, but none of them are stressful – three meetings with friends for either coffee (the two in the morning) or cigars (the evening, and my cleaning lady is coming between those. On Friday I will deal with the bullshit.

  • Day 1279

    I was going to say that I spent the morning procrastinating, but in truth I have been diligently writing emails that needed to be written. I have also (at long last) made an appointment to get my eyes checked (I suspect it has been three years since I did) so that I can then get new eyeglasses, which I suspect has been a problem for me the past year or so.

    While my bowels are again stopped up (It has now been two days since a successful movement) I am not worried because it has also been thirteen days since I last ate solid food, and …

    Okay, that was fortuitous timing. I was right in the middle of writing about it that I felt the urge, and was quite successful in the endeavour. Here’s to the fibre I have been (since Friday) religiously been remembering to add to my meal replacements in the morning!

    I have often in the past talked about how my clothes fit was a good indicator of my progress. I have a masonic ring that I purchased in the autumn which over the last couple of months has been quite tight on my ring finger. There have been days when I wore it on my pinky, and others when I did not wear it at all. These last couple of days it has fit much nicer – it is a bit tight going over the knuckles, but is comfortable to wear. I look forward to it being even a bit looser in the next few months.

    Yesterday I reported that my weight had, for the first morning weigh-in since I started on the program, was slightly up. This morning it righted itself, with a 1.6 lb. drop from yesterday (and a 1.2 lb. drop from the previous day). I was not discouraged yesterday; I know that there will be days when this happens, and I do not have to be worried or disheartened on those days. When it happens I need to remember that what tiny progress I lost on Day Q will usually more than be recovered on Day Q+1. As I have written in these pages so many times, weight loss is about the downward trend and not about individual plots on the graph.

    My sleep score last night was up from the abysmal previous night, partly owing I would think to the fact that it recorded 8.25 hours of sleep. It reported that I did not get enough REM sleep. Still and all, a sleep score of 75 is much better than yesterday’s 56. I’ll take it! How well will I sleep tonight? That depends on how prepared I feel for my exam… which is tomorrow. Right now I do not feel like I am adequately prepared. I have less than twenty-four hours to get just a little bit more prepared… if that is even possible.

    The company that offers the certification for which I am testing tomorrow is called ISC2, and I have been certified with them in other programs since December. I was made an Authorized ISC2 Instructor in April, and yesterday was my first delivery of one of their courses. The class was for the very basic entry-level certification, and is meant to be a 2-day course. The training provider scheduled it as a 1-day class, and I only saw the discrepancy over the weekend. I was worried that I would not be able to inject the class with my usual panache, and in the afternoon felt like I was rushing through material at a pace that nobody (or at least not a beginner, which is who entry level classes are for) would be able to follow. Even with cutting the lunch hour to forty-five minutes and with the rushing my lecture went over time by three minutes. With trepidation in my mind I nonetheless apologized for rushing through and asked the students to fill out their evaluations. When I read them this morning I was elated to see that yes, they all wanted to class to be longer… but gave the instructor perfect scores. That is the only metric that I am judged on, and I was quite relived to see it.

    I have to get working on my studies… there have been too many necessary distractions today and while none of them were wasting time, they were also not studying for my exam. The rest of the day will be dedicated to that. I’m not sure if I will write tomorrow’s entry before or after my exam, but one way or another I’ll see you all on the morrow.

    Have a great day.